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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

AIBU to have a 3rd baby against DH's wishes

999 replies

Babysuprise · 09/01/2017 17:02

DH and I have two lovely children - while I have always wanted more, DH only really wanted one so two was a compromise.

We have had quite heated discussions about having a third and he has always been clear he doesn't want another one.

However, I have just found out I am pregnant. I'm pretty pleased about it as I had resigned myself to just having two, but I know DH will be devastated. I haven't told him yet. AIBU to have this baby anyway?

OP posts:
Mistressiggi · 09/01/2017 22:33
Sweets101 · 09/01/2017 22:33

Given the OP wanted a third, ensured that a few drinks were had in her fertile period so that contraception was lax and then failed to get the MAP or inform the DH of that decision he's very likely to come to the conclusion that his wife wanted her own way regardless of his feelings.

You just writing your own little piece of fiction there Sheldon ?

HorridHenryrule · 09/01/2017 22:34

She is deceitful for not getting MAP but what if she didn't have the time. What if family was staying over. Christmas is a busy time for families it could have slipped her mind. That doesn't make her deceitful. Her thinking what she should have done is pointless she has to tell her dh and move forward. Woulda coulda shoulda no point in dwelling.

Buttercupsandaisies · 09/01/2017 22:34

A fertilised egg can take days before it implants. That's one of the ways levonelle works - I've taken it in this case before after ovulation

MissStein · 09/01/2017 22:34

Sheldon, if thats truely what you are teaching your sons, hopefully they will give women a wide berth full stop for the benefit of women everywhere.

SilentBatperson · 09/01/2017 22:34

That's not very persuasive unoriginal, since if a couple have unprotected sex it makes not one iota of difference whether they intend it to result in conception. It's actions that matter in this respect, not wishes! And they both acted in the same way

Agree he's an idiot though.

Prompto · 09/01/2017 22:34

From the NHS: "Levonelle works primarily by delaying or preventing ovulation"

Research done by Van Look and Stewart (1998) "The morning-after pill will not induce an abortion in a woman who is already pregnant, nor will it affect the developing pre-embryo or embryo"

MNHQ
YetAnotherHelenMumsnet · 09/01/2017 22:36

Thanks to those who have been in touch, we can confirm at least that BabySuprise has been with us for a while and so we are inclined to say congratulations and give her the benefit of the doubt.

MumsKnitter · 09/01/2017 22:36

Don't tell him yet OP. You may well have an early miscarriage, and if you've told him, you'll not get another chance which will be devastating. I got "accidentally" pregnant with my fourth as I wanted my DS1 to have a brother. He's autistic, and was getting left out once DD1 got DD2 to play with. I got my DS2 ( which might well have been DD3 obviously), and my DH got his beloved mini him son whom he adores. Clearly this could have gone horribly wrong - but in my case it didn't.

Buttercupsandaisies · 09/01/2017 22:36

It doesn't affect the embryo - but it affects the lining of the uterus which in turns affects the embryo

It is right to say it has no direct affect on the embryo but levonelle doesn't just prevent ovulation, though that's the main way

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 09/01/2017 22:37

Don't tell him yet OP.

The longer OP leaves it the worse it will be.

stitchglitched · 09/01/2017 22:38

Wow Sheldon HappyMummy I'm surprised you didn't manage to work a dig at SAHMs or benefits into that completely fabricated nonsense you just posted.

Isittimeforwineyet · 09/01/2017 22:38

Mumsnet that was an amusing choice of words.

Buttercupsandaisies · 09/01/2017 22:39

A pregnancy is only considered as such medically once it's implanted which is usually about 10 days post ovulation

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 09/01/2017 22:39

You may well have an early miscarriage, and if you've told him, you'll not get another chance which will be devastating.

Another chance at what?

Buttercupsandaisies · 09/01/2017 22:40

Conception occurs once sperm fertilise egg but pregnancy is determined by presence of hgc which is only produce on implantation

MumsKnitter · 09/01/2017 22:41

Another chance of a successful pregnancy obviously. Clearly it is unreasonable for OP to do so, but I'm not at all sorry I did.

Italiangreyhound · 09/01/2017 22:44

Babysurprise congratulations. I hope your dh will come round. If you were not already pregnant, I would say you were being unreasonable but now you are pregnant no one can pressurize you, or should pressurize you, into an abortion.

Shallishanti "YWBU to have the baby and expect him to be it's father- he's been very clear he doesn't want a third child. He may change his mind but you would have to be happy to risk that he may not, including the consequences of that for your other two dcs." It is all very well the dh not wanting to be a dad, but he will be.

My friend left his wife because of this type of thing. I wonder if it was a bit of an excuse really.

If he loves you, he should be able to get over this, AND get he snip.

Do you know why he thinks 3 is a bad idea? My dh would not want a third because of money, too much work and we are too old! The age thing we cannot do anything about, I could get a better paid job, maybe and as my dh does lots around the house I could do more! But I am guessing my dh just thinks two is enough, and so do I, so no worries for us. Can you explore with him why it's a problem? I think you are going to need to tell him sometime and see how he reacts, if you plan to keep the baby.

Do not let him pressurize you.

Thanks
GrumpyDullard · 09/01/2017 22:44

I don't see why so many PPs think the woman should take responsibility for contraception when (a) she wants a baby and (b) her DH is taking no responsibility whatsoever.

I don't see how some PPs think you've been dishonest, OP. Your DH is a pillock. If he doesn't want more kids and knows you do, he really should do something about it. I hope he takes the news well. And then has a vasectomy.

Italiangreyhound · 09/01/2017 22:47

Oh blimey, I saw 25 and thought 25 messages not 25 pages! I've got some catching up to do!

Woody67 · 09/01/2017 22:48

I have a 16 year old son. I have explained to him and he has been taught in school, that if you have sex, particularly unprotected sex, that you risk pregnancy. Full stop. Whatever the time of month. And no form of contraception is 100% safe. This is something that I would expect adults in their 30's/40's to know as well. You are both responsible, and your husband has a very blasé attitude towards contraception for someone who absolutely doesn't want any more children. You need to tell him and discuss where you go from here but you are equally to blame for the mess you now find yourselves in.

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/01/2017 22:49

I was in exactly the OP's position after DD1. I wanted another; DH didn't. DH isn't an irresponsible man-child and took matters into his own hands as it were and got a vasectomy.

DH and I didn't see why I should continue to take all the responsibility for contraception, including the physical and mental side effects, when I really wanted a baby.

I'm quite shocked at the level of vitriol leveled at the OP. She seems blase, yes. But people are raising TRUST issues. She is perfectly trustworthy. She wanted a baby, he knew. She wasn't on contraception, he knew. How is she untrustworthy? Bloody stupid, I'll give you because I would want any baby to be wanted by both parents. But untrustworthy? No.

Italiangreyhound · 09/01/2017 22:49

MumsKnitter "Don't tell him yet OP. You may well have an early miscarriage, and if you've told him, you'll not get another chance which will be devastating." That is a good point. I did think of that but it wasn't really a main thought.

"I got "accidentally" pregnant with my fourth as I wanted my DS1 to have a brother. He's autistic, and was getting left out once DD1 got DD2 to play with. I got my DS2 ( which might well have been DD3 obviously), and my DH got his beloved mini him son whom he adores. Clearly this could have gone horribly wrong - but in my case it didn't."

I am so glad it worked out well for you.

dontbesillyhenry · 09/01/2017 22:50

Your DH is an idiot taking this risk but you are an arse for knowingly allowing it to happen also. Although ultimately the responsibility lies with him. It's just not very considerate on your part really but he certainly hasn't been tricked into it

Doublechocolatecake · 09/01/2017 22:51

YANBU my mum always wanted a larg family, my dad insisted on having one child and hey ended up having me making two. Mum got pregnant after me with a third and had a termination and still regrets it to this day. Keep your baby if he loves you he will come round and if he doesn't he wasn't worth it. You'll have a beautiful baby regardless and will always be thankful for that xxxxxx