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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to have a 3rd baby against DH's wishes

999 replies

Babysuprise · 09/01/2017 17:02

DH and I have two lovely children - while I have always wanted more, DH only really wanted one so two was a compromise.

We have had quite heated discussions about having a third and he has always been clear he doesn't want another one.

However, I have just found out I am pregnant. I'm pretty pleased about it as I had resigned myself to just having two, but I know DH will be devastated. I haven't told him yet. AIBU to have this baby anyway?

OP posts:
MissStein · 09/01/2017 22:13

Navy what the op wanted is neither here nor there. She didnt force him to ejeculate into her. Nor did she lure him on with false promises of taking the MAP. He chose of his own free will to ejaculate into his wife, whom he was fully aware wanted another child (and would surely know as a loving and decent husband that his wife wouldn't want to terminate any child conceived that she had longed for). What did the OP think would happen by having unprotected sex on xmas eve would result in. I see at no point did the dp suggest getting the MAP or arrange to go out and get it. No, he actively engaged in getting the op pregnant, whilst doing fuck all afterwards to stop pregnancy (MAP) but its still the womans fault???

zad716 · 09/01/2017 22:14

I'm just surprised anyone is defending either of these two. They're both clearly immature people that play Russian roulette with innocent kids.

They've seem to manage ok in the past, so either they have been lucky, or the full story isn't being told.

cakegoblin · 09/01/2017 22:15

This has been a very useful thread for me. Like the OP, I biologically want a third, against all practical reasoning - DH wants emphatically not to have another child. He knows I want one, I know and agree with his reasons not to. Now, I wouldn't ever deliberately get pregnant. But if I did fall pregnant by accident I couldn't pretend be anything other than delighted and I could never terminate.

However, as I am determined not to spend any more of my life depressed and spotty on the pill (tried all types, don't get me started, coil too, don't get me started on that either), if I'm honest I have not fully discussed with him in detail the fact that our current withdrawal method is not foolproof. He seems to think it is, he's in denial a bit in that he also thinks I am too old to conceive (I'm 36! I have just laughed that off up until now.) The risk now might be very small but we would stand to lose a lot with an accidental pregnancy - firstly, how would he ever trust that I hadn't engineered it on purpose?
So after reading this tonight I have just explained this to him properly, it didn't start well as he thought I was trying to restart the have-another-baby conversation! He refuses point-blank to consider a vasectomy, and I am in turn exercising my right not to take a pill that makes me some degree of crazy every single day of my fucking life. I have done that for 10 years of our relationship, to be fair, I just think it's his turn. Anyway we are at a standoff in some ways but thanks to this thread we are now completely up to speed with each other's point of view.

I am posting this just to say to you flamers that it's easier than you'd think to just not address things like this over time - in bed beforehand it's a total passion killer and afterwards would be useless - and some people (my DH) just feel awkward talking openly in the kitchen about issues like this. And in my experience men often don't know about the risks, for whatever reason. Head in sand, whatever.

OP I have been there, that day when you are a bit hungover the morning after a mistake, you are busy managing the kids and hoping your OH is going to get up and take over so you can get dressed and go out in the cold to the out of hours chemists, and he gets up late, you're bickering, parents are coming over, hoovering, toddler wees on the carpet, the day flies by, you reason with yourself that the risk is so small... surely if it happens, he'll come round... Also it was Christmas day, no-one does anything organised on Christmas day if they have kids do they? Some people on here have no empathy whatsoever. Congratulations, hope it all works out for you.

NavyandWhite · 09/01/2017 22:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SilentBatperson · 09/01/2017 22:17

I think it's because OP is the only one who's been subjected to attacks based on things people have presumed with no basis, user. They have both been weapons grade stupid, but the worst anyone's said about him is that he's a selfish, irresponsible fool, which is true. Whereas OP has also been accused of lying and tricking.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 09/01/2017 22:18

This is one of those threads where I would like to hear the DH point of view.

As with most things we only get one side.

We only have the OPs word about MAP. Even if he did source it he can't force OP to take it.

As the OP wants another DC, I can't see her taking MAP at all.

UnoriginalNN · 09/01/2017 22:19

You should have talked about it the next day.

Not talking about it is kind of like lying by omission - knowing that you should say "so I should probably get a MAP" and choosing not to makes this baby somewhat planned.

You're both in the wrong here - though I do think that if he finds the thought of another child that devastating, he should act like the adult he is and get himself sorted.

Libitina · 09/01/2017 22:22

OP, have you told him yet?

HorridHenryrule · 09/01/2017 22:22

How? Do you know when your ovulating Navy?

tooclosetocall · 09/01/2017 22:22

he actively engaged in getting the op pregnant, whilst doing fuck all afterwards to stop pregnancy

Woah, fucking hell that's an acid trip.
Time for a nightcap for me. And let's not forgot a little alcohol was involved on that Christmas night Grin, so not everything is as it seems.
The OP has some sound advice from a good few responses on this thread and she can make of them what she will.

Mistressiggi · 09/01/2017 22:23

Of course it's a wanted baby Navyonwhite how many babies do you think are born who are not wanted by 50% of their parents? It's ones who are not wanted by 100% who are in bother.
This baby would not want for love by the sound of it.

Prompto · 09/01/2017 22:24

that is precisely how it works if fertilisation has taken place.

No, it isn't. The MAP isn't an abortifacient. Levonelle and ellaOne (the two MAPs most commonly used in the UK) work by preventing/delaying ovulation so that there is no egg for the speed to fertilise.

If an egg has already been released and fertilised they do absolutely nothing and the MAP will fail, they don't cause an already fertilised egg to be aborted. This is why the earlier you take the MAP, the more effective it will be - the sooner you act to block ovulation, the less likely it is that you'll ovulate in the meantime.

It is not an abortifacient

Prompto · 09/01/2017 22:25

Speed = sperm

SilentBatperson · 09/01/2017 22:25

Does that mean DH not talking about MAP is also lying by omission?

GabsAlot · 09/01/2017 22:25

well not sureif this is real but if it is

yes both of u have to take precautions -what i didnt like was op post saying i thought id take the risk by not getting the map

that seems underhand and deciftful to me-if she had said to her dh should i grt it what do u think then he said no fine-but she didnt

Sweets101 · 09/01/2017 22:26

The man ejaculated inside his wife whilst fully being aware that she A) was not on any form of contraception B) he was not wearing a condom and C) He had not been circumcised.

Back up a minute, circumcised? How would that help? I really want to know!

OP these things happen.

Mistressiggi · 09/01/2017 22:28

I would not take a pill that prevented the implantation of a fertilised egg when I wanted a baby. That would be too mentally fucked up to cope with (imo) I am aware the MAP acts in other ways too but in this case the egg obviously was fertilised.
I don't think the partner has a say in what happens once he's already fertilised the egg, that's a bit too close to saying he has the right to make her have a termination if he has a say over her body like that.

DodoRevival · 09/01/2017 22:28

GabsAlot the dh also didn't consider it though did he? He also chose to take the risk.

Prompto · 09/01/2017 22:30

The MAP doesn't prevent a fertilised egg from implanting.

The MAP prevents/delays ovulation so that there isn't an egg to fertilise in the first place.

Once the egg has been fertilised, you can still take the MAP but it'll fail because it has fuck all effect on an already fertilised egg.

Buttercupsandaisies · 09/01/2017 22:30

Prompo
Levonelle alters the womb lining so it can prevent a fertilised egg implanting

Google and it says so in its own literature

SheldonCRules · 09/01/2017 22:30

A marriage without trust is a sham.

Given the OP wanted a third, ensured that a few drinks were had in her fertile period so that contraception was lax and then failed to get the MAP or inform the DH of that decision he's very likely to come to the conclusion that his wife wanted her own way regardless of his feelings.

It's a hard life lesson to teach sons, even in marriage you can't trust your partner.

Mistressiggi · 09/01/2017 22:30

Sorry have just read Prompto's post - so in this case, how would the MAP have made any difference?
How long after sex does it take sperm to fertilise an already existing egg?

Prompto · 09/01/2017 22:32

Sperm live for around 5-7 days on average, egg is viable for around 24hrs so if there are any sperm there when the egg is released, there's a chance of fertilisation.

UnoriginalNN · 09/01/2017 22:32

Silent not lying because the pregnancy is not what he would have intended from what the OP has said - he's just another presumptious idiot imo.

SilentBatperson · 09/01/2017 22:32

OP ensured a few drinks were had, did she?! Where did you learn this? It wasn't in any of her posts. Honestly, the level of invention in some of these posts is astounding. And it isn't as though there's nothing to slag the pair of them for based on what's actually been said.