AIBU to have a 3rd baby against DH's wishes

[Babysuprise]

DH and I have two lovely children - while I have always wanted more, DH only really wanted one so two was a compromise.

We have had quite heated discussions about having a third and he has always been clear he doesn't want another one.

However, I have just found out I am pregnant. I'm pretty pleased about it as I had resigned myself to just having two, but I know DH will be devastated. I haven't told him yet. AIBU to have this baby anyway?

@MissStein I completely agree.

It's a case of "well it's his own fault, he should have got the snip."

Or condoms.
Still, his wish not to have children, his choice to make it impossible or not. No snip, not impossible, accept that it becomes the women's choice.

Congratulations OP and Good Luck I hope your DH supports you with your pregnancy and new baby when it comes.

I can't honestly see how your DH could be cross with you,you didn't have sex with him against his wishes,he's a grown man,he knows where babys come from and he knows that neither of you were using contraception!

Some of these views I find pretty shocking. I can understand the OPs attitude. The probability of conception per month is, what, 20%? Chances each month are pretty low. The MAP reduces the risk by 50% if taken the day after which was xmas day, I wouldn't piss around christmas day away from my kids looking for it. Surely DH should have thought of that (but perhaps OP could have mentioned it, not that it's her responsibility to). Boxing day, now it's been a long time but doesn't waiting an extra day reduce the effectiveness by half? Therefore the probability of it working is 25% on boxing day. So it would have reduced the chance of contraception to 15% (ish- all approximate figures based on assumptions). Mathematically speaking, for a reduction of risk of about 1 in 20, I wouldn't bother...

What's your basis for saying DH trusted his wife to mention fertile windows madginger? She says herself that they don't normally discuss it, so why have you invented an assumption on his part that she would do so? You talk about their agreed methods of family planning, but reference to ovulation has never been part of that!

Or he can tell his children he decided to have unprotected sex with their mother and then rejected her and their baby sibling, thus punishing them all for his own choices. this 10000000%

Kitty that is so true no point in taking it at all especially if its likely you'll end up pregnant anyway.

YANBU to go ahead and have the baby. However, the impact on your marriage may be far-reaching.

You can choose to have a third child. He can choose to leave your relationship because he doesn't want this. That's the reality of the situation.

I'm wondering whether his reasons for wanting a small family are financial because the pressure of having a larger family should not be underestimated especially if he is, or is likely to become, the sole earner. That pressure can be enough to tip someone over the edge in terms of re-evaluating their desire to remain in the relationship.

OP i'm unclear on a few points - 1) You 'havent been tracking your periods' yet you know to-the-day when your period was due and peed on a stick the very next day (i cant remember your exact words but along the lines of 'period was due a couple of days ago and i tested yesterday')? 2) why would you use withdrawal as a bc method if youre not tracking, ie the potential for such a risky method in your fertile time? 3) what was the 'accident'? If youre doing withdrawal method, did he stay in too long? Or if condoms, did the condom break? Etc? 4) Did DH know there was an accident? 5) if there was an accident, why didnt you both discuss it, and discuss what to do about it? 6) you and DH had discussed and 'compromised' on two DC, which to me is a pretty serious agreement between you both about a pretty serious subject - yet you yourself then KNOWINGLY CHOSE not to get the MAP when you knew youd had risky sex? To me that's underhand. Sorry. I know he did his part, but youve admitted purposely choosing to go against what you had agreed with each other! I'd need to know his side of the story. He may also be equally at fault, but that doesnt change the impact of your actions after the fact.

Whatever has or hasnt happened so far could have far-reaching implications as PPs have said - divorce, resentment, a DC who doesnt feel wanted, existing DCs' feelings etc etc. I feel sadness written all over this - i sincerely hope i'm wrong. I hope with all my heart that your DH warms happily to this news. And then gets a vasectomy if he really doesnt want any more kids. And that in future you respect his opinion a bit more - it's supposed to be a partnership after all

Furthermore, personally, i consider MAP to be a form of termination

Well that's not quite how it works but we are all entitled to our own opinions...

madgingermunchkin If the op is expected to know her fertile dates from her period, then why the fuck is her op not expected to know the same. He'll have known when his wife has her periods -especially as he doesnt want children--. And as such is just as bloody capable of working out her 'fertile' moments as the op is. And since he doesnt want a child it would be prudent of him to do so. As for trust, i expect the op trusted her dp to fucking withdraw as they bloody agreed to. If anyone has broken the trust, its the dp. But dont let that get in the way of blaming the woman at all costs

madgingermunchkin

Knowing she doesn't take the pill and knowing their chosen methods are condom/withdrawal:
He chose to have sex
He chose not to use a condom
He chose not to withdraw
He chose not to discuss the risk of pregnancy after all his other choices
He chose not to bring up the subject of MAP.

But its the OPs fault for not magically knowing she was fertile when she has already said fertility tracking wasn't a method they used.

Dear gods, would you like her to wear a red dress with winged hat or simply pack her off to the Magdelenes with all the other naughty girls?
God forbid he take any responsibility for his own behaviour though.

tooclosetocall, that is precisely how it works if fertilisation has taken place.

The Op didn't want him to withdraw, though

Christ-on-a-bike give me strength?

In what normal, sane world is that a valid argument for absolving the male of all responsibility?

Ugh

Are people suggesting that a woman abort a WANTED baby? Fuck that. His chance to say no to a baby passed when he failed to wrap his cock up or take any precautionary measures.

I'm just surprised anyone is defending either of these two. They're both clearly immature people that play Russian roulette with innocent kids.

They're both clearly immature people that play Russian roulette with innocent kids.

I agree tbh.

*Wanted by the one actually pregnant

We use the withdrawal 'method' with no variations regardless of where in the cycle I am, hence I don't particularly track it. That is our choice, I'm not getting into a debate about it. BUT because that is our 'agreed' method it is our understanding that dh pulls out, end of. Even if I particularly wanted another baby, how could I ever 'trick' him into not withdrawing if he didn't? And in fact, if our implicit agreement was that he pulls out and he deliberately doesn't, well he is the one that has broken that agreement. If my dh did that then expected me to go and get the map on Xmas day he would be a dick.
This thread is bonkers. Op its a bit of a mess but it happens. Hope it works out.

It is possible the OP's DH could be just fine with the news that she is pregnant.
And, once he knows of the pregnancy, it is also possible that he actually does feel responsible. After all, we are only reading what the OP tells us of her DH. We are only reading one side of the story.