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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to have a 3rd baby against DH's wishes

999 replies

Babysuprise · 09/01/2017 17:02

DH and I have two lovely children - while I have always wanted more, DH only really wanted one so two was a compromise.

We have had quite heated discussions about having a third and he has always been clear he doesn't want another one.

However, I have just found out I am pregnant. I'm pretty pleased about it as I had resigned myself to just having two, but I know DH will be devastated. I haven't told him yet. AIBU to have this baby anyway?

OP posts:

Purplesky2 · 09/01/2017 21:25

Yes right really callous as the other children don't come into it do they? The op is selfish - expresses a longing for a baby (which I do also) but is not in the best interests of the family as OH is not willing. So yes she can go ahead and risk it and be a single parent to 3 dc - why not?

Marynary · 09/01/2017 21:27

Purplesky2 Just because you chose to have a termination it doesn't mean any women that doesn't is "wrong".

Marynary · 09/01/2017 21:30

You could just as easily argue that it is not in the best interests of the family to make a woman abort a much-wanted baby.

user1478860582 · 09/01/2017 21:31

Whatever the upshot of this I bet your husband never trusts you in the future on anything.

HorridHenryrule · 09/01/2017 21:31

I asked my brother as a joke what would he do if his girlfriend was pregnant he said she would have an abortion. He was serious about that. What if she wanted to keep the baby no she's getting rid of it end of. I thought he was a fucking swine and he knows what I went through when I had an abortion. To tell another woman I did it for my family so you should do the right thing by yours is not the right attitude to walk with. Purple it was your decision to make and its never an easy one but it shouldn't be given as advice that's wrong. Its a massive decision and know one should ever be held to ransom. I would rather ltb than stay.

SilentBatperson · 09/01/2017 21:32

I was under the impression it might be possible for MAP to prevent the implantation of a fertilised egg, though that's not the primary way in which it works? If so, it's going to be ethically unsuitable for some people in a way that eg condoms wouldn't be, because there are people who believe life begins when sperm meets egg. Obviously we don't know if this is relevant here, but if a person is a pretty strict pro-lifer MAP might not be an option.

Lweji · 09/01/2017 21:32

ollieplimsoles

Actually, your attitude repulses me.
He was there. He didn't use a condom, didn't withdrew. He knew she was not on the pill. He didn't ask if it was a safe time.
He knew she could get pregnant.
He has chosen not to have the snip knowing that he didn't want another baby, and that the other methods can fail anyway.

That was a shitty comment to the OP and very unfair.
From you and everyone who's blaming her.

MyNewUserNameIsSecret · 09/01/2017 21:33

The DH is an idiot but I'm shocked that the OP said "I was prepared to just risk it and wait and see what happened." about something so important. It's a baby's life we are talking about. Why would you willingly 'risk' a child being brought into a family where it might not be wanted by its father and who's arrival might cause serious marital problems.

Both the OP and her DH have been reckless, immature and unkind.

Raines100 · 09/01/2017 21:34

DH's wisdom: if he didn't want another baby, he should have cum on your tits

MissStein · 09/01/2017 21:36

Whenshewasbad I think you need to read up on MAP. - The emergency contraceptive/morning-after pill has three modes of action -

The normal menstrual cycle is altered, delaying ovulation; or
Ovulation is inhibited, meaning the egg will not be released from the ovary;
It can irritate the lining of the uterus (endometrium) so as to inhibit implantation.

Therefore, if a woman ingests emergency contraception after fertilization has taken place, the third mode of action can occur.

i.e. for people such as myself who believe that a child is conceived as soon as the sperm enters the egg, the map is essentially ending that child's life, imo termination albeit far earlier that other forms of termination.

That is something that i would never ever consider. Fine for other people if that is their wish. Not for me. And would be pretty fucking irate if people were trying to force it on me against my wishes.

Oomph · 09/01/2017 21:36

I really think that you need to make a decision together with your husband on whether to continue the pregnancy. You don't seem to have much respect for him.

wictional · 09/01/2017 21:38

Yes, you are quite a bit to blame. It does sound a little bit dodgy.
BUT it takes two to tango. You can conceive regardless of your fertile window, and if DP is so against DC3, he should be taking steps in the bedroom. He knew the risk when he didn't use contraception.

lifetothefull · 09/01/2017 21:38

for you OP.

DodoRevival · 09/01/2017 21:38

Purplesky2 why isn't the man responsible for his own fertility and execution of his desire for no more children?

Why is it OK for a man to take an action (unprotected sex) that could result in a pregnancy with a women who he knows desires a pregnancy and then expect that pregnancy to be terminated so to fulfill his wants, at this juncture, over hers?

She must do everything possible to make his wants reality over hers despite him doing nothing himself (such as a vascectomy or a condom, or shock horror not having sex with her)?

NavyandWhite · 09/01/2017 21:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsDesireeCarthorse · 09/01/2017 21:40

OP, if your husband had gone out and got the MAP, would you have taken it?

HorridHenryrule · 09/01/2017 21:41

I really think that you need to make a decision together with your husband on whether to continue the pregnancy. You don't seem to have much respect for him.

If she keeps the baby then she is disrespecting her man. Really. I cant read on anymore what a dreadful thread. What if she don't believe in abortion then what. Know one knows where she lives she could live in a country where its against the law to terminate a child.

WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid · 09/01/2017 21:41

silent

I was under the impression it might be possible for MAP to prevent the implantation of a fertilised egg, though that's not the primary way in which it works

Well you could also argue that the pill does this too. It's primary mode of action is stopping ovulation but it also thins the lining of the uterus (less likely to have a fertised egg implant).

The main way MAP works is delaying ovulation. That's why it gets less effective the longer you wait to take it after you've had sex (if you wait a few days you might ovulate in the mean time).

BeMorePanda · 09/01/2017 21:42

any man who has unprotected sex with his partner, can't be at all surprised if she falls pregnant.

If he REALLY didn't want another child he REALLY wouldn't have had unprotected sex with you. At very least he would have made efforts to get MAP the next day, if he was at all concerned. Or at least had a conversation with you about it.

Fertile people, have unprotected sex and make a baby - it's hardly news.

Touchmybum · 09/01/2017 21:45

Oh dear god, there's been unplanned pregnancies since God was a little boy, you dip your wick, you take your chances if you haven't made provision for contraception!

Buttercupsandaisies · 09/01/2017 21:46

I did the exact same thing as purple. I was desperate for a third child and bullied my DH into it for months. He eventually relented to stop the rows. I got pregnant and only after that did I come to my senses and realise how bloody selfish I was. Just because i was the one to get physically pregnant doesn't mean I get to decide for both of us. I had a medical termination within two weeks of finding out. DH and I are closer than ever - it's about respect.

I don't believe for a minute the whole "contraception background" of the OP. I think it'll be very clear to her DH that she planned this hence her nerves in telling him

Lweji · 09/01/2017 21:46

The decision together should be before conception. Once pregnant, OP, it should be entirely up to you. And he should support you regardless.

Or he can tell his children he decided to have unprotected sex with their mother and then rejected her and their baby sibling, thus punishing them all for his own choices.

madgingermunchkin · 09/01/2017 21:47

Hang on a minute, the DH trusted his wife. Trusted that they had reached a compromise on the amount of children they would have. Trusted that they were both on board with their method of family planning. Trusted that as she knew his feelings on the matter, and so would warn him "we need to be careful, I think I'm near my fertile time" or "I think I miscalculated, there's a chance we might have hit my fertile window, we need to talk."

All the OP has shown is a blantant disregard for his feelings, or even how this would affect their family.

I feel bloody sorry for men in this day and age. They trust their wives. Believe that they have discussed, compromised and agreed on it, and then an "accident" happens. And they are then powerless to do do something about it. Women are so quick to harp "her body, her choice" yet when it comes to men and vasectomies, it's a completely different story. It's a case of "well it's his own fault, he should have got the snip."

The OP and her husband had compromised on their family, and compromised on their contraception. Now the OP, through her own selfishness has betrayed his trust.

So yes, she does deserve the vitriol.

SilentBatperson · 09/01/2017 21:48

Yes I've also heard that about the pill too, whenshewas. They're both problematic for hardline pro lifers. I suspect people who won't use either tend to be motivated by side effects rather than ethical objections, having said that.

carabos · 09/01/2017 21:48

My friend tricked her husband into a third baby that he adamantly didn't want. They are still together but their marriage hangs by a thread because of the broken trust. They row constantly and their DC1 (teen) is badly affected by it. But according to my friend it was worth it and he'll get over it. DC3 is now 7, and he isn't over it yet...

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