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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to have a 3rd baby against DH's wishes

999 replies

Babysuprise · 09/01/2017 17:02

DH and I have two lovely children - while I have always wanted more, DH only really wanted one so two was a compromise.

We have had quite heated discussions about having a third and he has always been clear he doesn't want another one.

However, I have just found out I am pregnant. I'm pretty pleased about it as I had resigned myself to just having two, but I know DH will be devastated. I haven't told him yet. AIBU to have this baby anyway?

OP posts:
tooclosetocall · 09/01/2017 21:03

Okaay.
If an OH had had the snip and the OP had wanted more children and came on here with an AIBU, there would be a whole other lynch mob bashing the H and supporting the OP.

It is the responsibility of both. Just because a man ejaculates, withdraws or does/doesn't use a condom does not mean the fault lies solely at his feet. The female - in this case the OP - needs to share the responsibility as well. But all we are getting is that 'she knew there was a risk and didn't want to take the MAP'. That doesn't sound anything like responsibility to me.

OP wanted a third child. Ta-daa! OP is now pregnant with third child.
Regardless of how her DH responds now, she wanted a third child with or without his consent.

HorridHenryrule · 09/01/2017 21:05

Very well said MissStein Know one should ever be forced as the effects on the body is horrible. Clearly the Op is not using contraception for a reason not everyone gets on with the pill or implants. I bled for 6 weeks with the implant in my arm I had it removed and before they removed it they offered the pill to take with the implant. I said no thanks remove now.

SickTiredDesperate · 09/01/2017 21:05

This is the first thread (& I've been around for a pretty long time) where I've ever had the sense of being gaslighted by the OP.

As I do believe this thread, nothing screams troll (sadly, as that would be better than this). But OP's posts are not sitting easy and just don't really stack up - how would you know your period was a couple of days late yet not know when the middle bit of your period was? How can OP be pretty pleased... whilst simultaneously saying she knows her OH will be devastated? WTF kind of marriage is that?

I do completely agree with all PPs re if he didn't want a baby he should put something on the end of it so it does beg the question why he didn't... and on that I just do not buy what OP is telling us, suspect is more to it. And also there is a sort of 'smugness' coming across that is deeply unedifying given there are children at the heart of this.

And I feel fucking awful for couples who are desperately TTC and then read the casualness with which this child is being brought into the world.

tooclosetocall · 09/01/2017 21:06

Here's hoping (sincerely) that all turns out well when he is told about the pregnancy.

DixieNormas · 09/01/2017 21:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Zarachristmas · 09/01/2017 21:07

But wtf did the dh think was going to happen after they had unprotected sex? That his sperm would just magically evaporate or something?

It doesn't make any of it right but they are both responsible for the pregnancy.

DodoRevival · 09/01/2017 21:08

Ultimately what's happened here is:

two fertile people have had unprotected sex.
Both are aware no contraception is being used.
Both know how babies are made.
Neither discuss the possibly of pregnancy after the event.

Only difference in the two individuals here is one would like another baby and the other expressly doesn't, yet is willing to run the risk of doing nothing to prevent a pregnancy.

MissStein · 09/01/2017 21:09

Its not the responsiblity of both. Its the responsibility of the one not wanting children. In other words the only person responsible for one's fertility is yourself. Fucking hell, isnt that what we teach children in schools? You dont want an unplanned pregnancy, then take appropriate contraception. Is this what you all tell your teenage sons, dont worry, leave it to the woman? Furthermore the op has been open about her desire for another child so contraception isnt her responsiblity. DP must have on some level agreed to this to (a) abandon his previous means of contraception i.e. withdrawal method and (b) actively ejactulate into his wife. He needs to take responsibility for his fertility.

Zarachristmas · 09/01/2017 21:09

I agree sicktireddesperate this thread stinks.

ollieplimsoles · 09/01/2017 21:10

God this thread is gross, op your attitude repulses me. You are so blasé.

You clearly dont give a shit at all how this will impact your husband/ family.

Remember that this may well be a breaking point in your marriage, your husband may never trust you in the same way again, and when the baby comes along and you are both in the throes of sleepless nights, you get ratty with each other due to the stress a newborn brings to a relationship- you know the lingering feeling he has that you tricked him into this will always come to the fore.
I hope it was worth it.

NicknameUsed · 09/01/2017 21:10

I agree with SickTired

Riversleep · 09/01/2017 21:10

I know a few couples who don't use contraception, just withdrawal or safe time of the month. It sounds like madness to me, even if they don't have sex very often. I would say that the Op's DH has virtually consented through his own laziness. Now whether that will be enough for him to just accept it is another question. For someone who only wanted one child to end up with three is quite a lot. He has been stupid but that might not be enough to stop him feeling railroaded or trapped.

PurpleDaisies · 09/01/2017 21:11

And I feel fucking awful for couples who are desperately TTC and then read the casualness with which this child is being brought into the world.

I can't figure out why you think couples struggling to conceive would be upset by this thread (beyond wishing they conceived as easily). I say this as half of one such couple. Total red herring.

SilentBatperson · 09/01/2017 21:13

Regardless of how her DH responds now, she wanted a third child with or without his consent.

Knowingly having unprotected sex means both parties consent to the possibility of conception, because Mother Nature.

MissStein · 09/01/2017 21:16

Furthermore, personally, i consider MAP to be a form of termination. You are not preventing conception, it has already happened. The map just stops the progress of the pregnancy, albeit at a much earlier stage. No where on MN would we state that a woman should have had a termination because her dp had unprotected sex with her, causing her become pregnant when dp doesnt want another child. Why is this different?

ollieplimsoles · 09/01/2017 21:16

And I feel fucking awful for couples who are desperately TTC and then read the casualness with which this child is being brought into the world.

^Exactly this

And all the women who battle on a daily basis with feelings of resentment towards their partners because they are coming to terms with the fact they don't want any more children. Imagine:

"Me and DH have two children, he only wanted one but compromised on two as I wanted three. I just cant let go of the idea of a third child but he is adamant he doesn't want it and we agreed we wouldn't. As a couple we don't use very concrete forms of contraception and lets just say a 'mishap' would be easy to orchestrate. WIBU to just take advantage of this set up to have a third child- after all, he probably won't think to use protection either as we both agreed we wouldnt have a third child?"

Purplesky2 · 09/01/2017 21:16

I think the OP is in the wrong. I would love another baby -DH doesn't. He hadn't had snip because I don't want it to definately be the end even though it is. A few months ago I found myself accidentally pregnant ( I take responsibility for contraception because of above). Part of me dreamt of having the baby but DH expressed his non desire for a baby but stated it was up to me and he would stand by me whatever. I did what was best for our family (3dc) and had an early termination at 6 +3 weeks (surgical with no anaesthetic- no worse than smear test) and live goes on. I suggest op does what is right for her family not herself.

lifetothefull · 09/01/2017 21:18

Of course you would not be unreasonable to keep the baby. Your DH may not have chosen for this to happen, but I expect he knows how babies are made. Give him time to get used to the idea. Be patient and understanding.

Valentine2 · 09/01/2017 21:18

Larry
That was a mental thing to say. It's adults doing adult things to each other and you want only the woman to take full responsibility. Yeah sure. I would avoid MAP like plague. It does horrible things to my body after having DCs. In fact I cannot use any form of hormonal contraception. It takes two to tango and there are other ways to take precautions than MAP on Christmas.

charliedontsurf · 09/01/2017 21:19

Gallavich yes!

MissStein · 09/01/2017 21:22

purplesky are you actually suggesting that the op should have a termination for the benefit of her family, by which you mean husband, even though this would go against her own wishes. Really. MN has really went to the dogs if this is considered acceptable.

You may have considered your termination a minor blip, but you dont have the right to expect other people to consider it the same, especially people who have clearly desired their longing for their unborn child. How fucking callous.

SilentBatperson · 09/01/2017 21:22

The bigger question ollie is why you think your description bears any relevance to what happened with OP and DH? Lots of assumptions there, and one thing that appears to be entirely wrong: since they rely on condoms and withdrawal, both of which are within DHs control, how exactly would a mishap be easy for OP to organise? It would have to be condom sabotage, and on the facts we've been given it that hasn't happened.

Yoarchie · 09/01/2017 21:23

How did you get pregnant? What happened to the contraception?

In any case now that you're pregnant if you want the baby then you should have it. Be prepared for it to distress your dh pretty majorly though.

WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid · 09/01/2017 21:25

missstein

Furthermore, personally, i consider MAP to be a form of termination. You are not preventing conception, it has already happened. The map just stops the progress of the pregnancy, albeit at a much earlier stage

That is not how MAP works. It's primary mode of action is to delay ovulation.

PurpleDaisies · 09/01/2017 21:25

How did you get pregnant? What happened to the contraception?

Did you miss the previous twenty pages?