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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to have a 3rd baby against DH's wishes

999 replies

Babysuprise · 09/01/2017 17:02

DH and I have two lovely children - while I have always wanted more, DH only really wanted one so two was a compromise.

We have had quite heated discussions about having a third and he has always been clear he doesn't want another one.

However, I have just found out I am pregnant. I'm pretty pleased about it as I had resigned myself to just having two, but I know DH will be devastated. I haven't told him yet. AIBU to have this baby anyway?

OP posts:
Misstic · 09/01/2017 20:39

I agree, I think this thread is a wind up. Pretty ticked off I let myself get pulled into this Grin

Okkitokkiunga · 09/01/2017 20:39

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Okkitokkiunga · 09/01/2017 20:40

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DixieNormas · 09/01/2017 20:40

This reply has been deleted

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Tomorrowillbeachicken · 09/01/2017 20:41

I'm hoping it is as I'd be worried for stability of marriage and the poor kids involved.

Marynary · 09/01/2017 20:41

You tracked them enough to know you may have needed the MAP or not... the vetoed the idea as you wanted more children.

The decision to use MAP should be based on whether someone has had unprotected sex and whether they want to get pregnant. It has nothing to do with "tracking fertility".

JeanLouise123 · 09/01/2017 20:41

Okkitokkiunga your analogy is missing the part where you knowingly put in an application to buy said car. Now would you really be surprised and annoyed if you were accepted and find out you now own one?

EpoxyResin · 09/01/2017 20:42

Okkitok don't be silly, that's like saying "you say you didn't steal this gentleman's car. What DID you steal then??". It's ridiculous.

HorridHenryrule · 09/01/2017 20:42

I don't really know how much information you want she pretty much gave it all to you. You just want to be nosy.

Gallavich · 09/01/2017 20:42

But what you've done. I'd leave you and probably fight you for custody of all the children. That's how horrified I am by your deceit.

Congratulations you win the prize for stupidest fucking comment in an epic thread of epically stupid comments

HorridHenryrule · 09/01/2017 20:44

HAHA custody people love to spout of their venom.

Misstic · 09/01/2017 20:44

Galla, I think it is a very sensible comment. Yours on the other hand .....

Fairenuff · 09/01/2017 20:46

The issue here is that they had an agreed method of contraception in place.

Yes. Condoms or withdrawal. Both of which are under his control, not hers. He chose not to use either.

Okkitokkiunga · 09/01/2017 20:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WookieWoo · 09/01/2017 20:47

Gallavich has it spot on.

Baylisiana · 09/01/2017 20:48

it would have been stupid to assume OP was taking precautions, that is no more reasonable than her assuming he must have ha d a vasectomy, since he has just had unprotected sex when he has said he wants no more children. Taking into account that he has not mentioned the whole thing since it happened I can only see two explanations, he either does want another child or he is very stupid/mentally incapacitated.

HorridHenryrule · 09/01/2017 20:49

Why Misstic what didn't you like.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 09/01/2017 20:49

I guess you have a tricky conversation to have with DH. Hope it goes well OP and you can resolve things. FWIW I don't think you have been unreasonable in your actions.

JeanLouise123 · 09/01/2017 20:50

Okkitokkiunga how hasn't she respected their agreement?

SilentBatperson · 09/01/2017 20:51

I expect that the husband feels that life is getting back on track now and one, if not both children, are at school, and the last thing he wants is to go back to is disturbed nights/nappies/weaning etc etc. And quite frankly I don't blame him. Children are hard work and not very restful if you like a quiet life.

Best not bareback with a person you know is capable of bearing children then!

HarryPottersMagicWand · 09/01/2017 20:59

"I was prepared to just risk it and wait and see what happened."

So ultimately, you planned it as you would have been hoping. I doubt your DH is going to be very happy, he will certainly look suspiciously at this given you desperately wanted a 3rd and conveniently you are pregnant. Can't see him trusting you again.

MissStein · 09/01/2017 21:00

This thread is bonkers, and i dont mean you op. Man ejaculates into woman willingly, knows she is not on any contraception, but its the womans fault she is pregnant and she tricked him. WTF has mumsnet turned into. Who the fuck knows when their most fertile days are unless they are specifically tracking with ovulation sticks. Ive not done that for 6 years (since conception of ds2) and couldnt fucking tell when my fertile window is. Op YANBU. Your dp isnt stupid, he knows the risk of having unprotected sex, especially since you had stated your desire for a third child. As for MAP, no woman should be forced to take MAP against their wishes anymore than they should be expected to have a termination against their wishes.

jumpingcold · 09/01/2017 21:01

I genuinely don't understand this thread... I feel like everyone on the op's marriage has been upfront. He knows she wants a third, she knows he doesn't. He knows their current method is withdrawal/condoms. He didn't use either, or mention the morning after pill.

"The OP should have been very clear to her husband that she was not prepared to use contraception so that if he wants to have sex with her, he is basically agreeing to another child. That would have been the honest and ethical thing to do. At least he would know what the deal is and could have decided to not have sex or end the marriage."

But she is prepared to use contraception?? The condom?? None of us know why they didn't that night but I highly doubt she mimed putting it on and that's the only way I can see actual deception in this.

I guess it is weird not to mention it in the three weeks since but he hasn't mentioned it either.

Dh and I are currently in the two week wait after we "got carried away" (Christmas booze, eh, op?) Afterwards we did discuss the map and decided not to go for it (even though I'd like dc4 and he'd like to stop now). I checked my period app later that night and it was on day 12 so thought we would probably just about be fine - but when I looked back through my notes it was day 12 I conceived dd2! (Cycles are a bit different at the mo though so who knows). He knows I am hoping for a positive, I know he's hoping for a negative. The hypothetical baby would be loved beyond measure regardless.

Zarachristmas · 09/01/2017 21:02

Another bonkers thread on mumsnet.

How has this husband been tricked? He knowingly has unprotected sex despite being dead set against a baby.

That just doesn't add up does it?

I don't know why everyone is saying he might leave her. What would that achieve?

Although op I think you both sound really irresponsible. You for knowingly getting pregnant when you knew he didn't want any, very selfish. He sounds extraordinarily stupid and irresponsible I mean wtf did he think was going to happen?

Marynary · 09/01/2017 21:02

So ultimately, you planned it as you would have been hoping. I doubt your DH is going to be very happy, he will certainly look suspiciously at this given you desperately wanted a 3rd and conveniently you are pregnant. Can't see him trusting you again.

He would be a bit thick to be suspicious about the fact she is pregnant considering that he knows that they had unprotected sex.