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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to have a 3rd baby against DH's wishes

999 replies

Babysuprise · 09/01/2017 17:02

DH and I have two lovely children - while I have always wanted more, DH only really wanted one so two was a compromise.

We have had quite heated discussions about having a third and he has always been clear he doesn't want another one.

However, I have just found out I am pregnant. I'm pretty pleased about it as I had resigned myself to just having two, but I know DH will be devastated. I haven't told him yet. AIBU to have this baby anyway?

OP posts:
BantyCustards · 09/01/2017 20:16

He may have believed she was taking the necessary precautions
Because when it comes to getting their rocks off men have every right to all of the fun and no responsibility for the consequences - give me a break.

toasttoasttoast · 09/01/2017 20:16

broody sounds like there's a fair bit of projection going on in your posts... (nice username)

My DP doesn't want anymore kids at the moment. We use same admittedly dodgy methods as the OP. On the two three occasions we've had an accident, he's asked and encouraged me to take the MAP, found out where to get it, bought it for me, come with me and taken as much responsibility as me as he can for it, short of actually bloody taking it.

Again, on those slip ups, he's asked me before dtd if I'm sure / if I'll be willing to take the MAP etc and we always talk about it after (clearly we have great sex chat in our relationship...) - because he knows it's just as much his responsibility as mine.

Why does it have to be all on the woman to track her fertile windows / take the contraception / engineer the conversations etc?

Congrats OP. I hope it goes well with your DH and you can figure it all out together. Flowers

NicknameUsed · 09/01/2017 20:17

After having read the OP's updates it seems like the fault was as much his as it was hers.

Just tell him.

alltouchedout · 09/01/2017 20:17

I've used the MAP without horrible side effects.
More to the point, you're pregnant, the choice of what to.do.about that is wholly yours. No idea about the whole ethics debate going on here but your dh should have made sure of contraception if he was adamant a third child was a no no. Idiotic and lazy of him not to.

SilentBatperson · 09/01/2017 20:17

silent no most men are not "thick as pig shit"

Yes, that was sort of my point...

I don't think most men are as thick as pigshit, because I don't believe (or want to believe) that most of them are so stupid that they'd assume, without even bothering to mention it, that a woman who they know wants a child would take the MAP after unprotected sex. On Christmas Day. To presume that would happen and not even raise the subject is indescribably thick. Luckily for me, I don't think so badly of 50% of the world's population as you seem to!

HorridHenryrule · 09/01/2017 20:18

Nah but her can divorce her.

He may not leave her or it may shake him up and get the snip. He is the one who didn't want children not her. He should take responsibility.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 09/01/2017 20:18

Because when it comes to getting their rocks off men have every right to all of the fun and no responsibility for the consequences - give me a break.

Of course not, however OP and her 'just see what happens' attitude has a heck of responsibility too.

Misstic · 09/01/2017 20:19

This is not a healthy relationship and won't last. OP what you did is wrong and should never happen in a trusting healthy relationship. Your husband may very well resent you for your deception. Worst of all you are doing this to an innocent baby because of your selfishness.

I hope for the baby's sake your husband is able to forgive you and to love his child unconditionally.

Marynary · 09/01/2017 20:20

Marynary OP is not sorry in any way for the predicament she finds herself in!

So what?

thatdearoctopus · 09/01/2017 20:20

I'm struggling to see how you can continue a marriage with two such opposing ideals.
If I were your dh, I'd be seriously unimpressed with you.

larrygrylls · 09/01/2017 20:21

The OP has given out v little info on this and rather drip feeded. A lot depends on the exact circumstances of conception.

The reality is that she is capable of having an early termination if it is a deal breaker for her husband. Of course, her body, her choice. But equally his body, his choice if he wants to remain in the marriage.

The idea of using withdrawal as contraception unless you are indifferent about conceiving seems v bizarre to me.

Marynary · 09/01/2017 20:21

This is not a healthy relationship and won't last. OP what you did is wrong and should never happen in a trusting healthy relationship. Your husband may very well resent you for your deception. Worst of all you are doing this to an innocent baby because of your selfishness.

What deception?? OP's DH knew they weren't using contraception. He took the risk despite stating that he didn't want a third child.

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 09/01/2017 20:22

It's not just going to affect trust the baby she desperately wants but the first two too.

Justmuddlingalong · 09/01/2017 20:22

Did you both agree to stop at 2 DC, or was it still up for negotiation?

Pluto30 · 09/01/2017 20:22

The OP has given out v little info on this and rather drip feeded. A lot depends on the exact circumstances of conception.

I'd hasten a guess that that's because there's a lot more shady shit on the OP's side than she's willing to divulge. Nothing she's said thus far suggests that this is an accident on her behalf.

BantyCustards · 09/01/2017 20:22

If a man does not want children he should take the necessary steps to ensure he does not have any. Full stop.

TheThingsWeAdmitOnMN · 09/01/2017 20:22

He says he doesn't want more children.

He knows the op would like more children.

He chose to have unprotected sex with his wife, who he knows isn't on the pill (etc) and wants more children

He's 40, not 14. He has two children so presumably knows what causes pregnancy...

If HE didn't prevent it, then more fool him. He has NO reason to be angry with the OP or the situation. None.

Marynary · 09/01/2017 20:23

The reality is that she is capable of having an early termination if it is a deal breaker for her husband. Of course, her body, her choice. But equally his body, his choice if he wants to remain in the marriage.

It's always a choice whether or not to remain in a marriage. Some reasons for leaving are knobbish though and this would be one of them (if it's the only reason).

Original poster
Babysuprise · 09/01/2017 20:24

I don't really track my periods/fertile windows and only have when we were TTC. I didn't lie or mislead about that.

Whoever asked about drinking - we'd had a few drinks but weren't drunk (anticipating 5am start the next day).

OP posts:
Isittimeforwineyet · 09/01/2017 20:24

WTF this thread is mad!

He had unprotected sex with a wife who'd expressed a wish to become pregnant. Of course having a third child was a possible (and perhaps on some level wanted) consequence of this decision.

Put the pitchforks down ladies Grin

Servicesupportforall · 09/01/2017 20:24

You should b a team op. What a shame

larrygrylls · 09/01/2017 20:25

Mary,

That is your opinion. Having an additional child against his will would seem a very sound reason to leave a marriage, especially if there were any element of trickery.

HorridHenryrule · 09/01/2017 20:26

The reality is that she is capable of having an early termination if it is a deal breaker for her husband. Of course, her body, her choice. But equally his body, his choice if he wants to remain in the marriage.

Wow my brother came out with that knowing I had an abortion. The thoughts that are running through my head right now. Disgusting thing to say his fucking body and his fucking sperm.

TheThingsWeAdmitOnMN · 09/01/2017 20:26

Larry A lot depends on the exact circumstances of conception

He came inside her & wasn't using a condom. How much more detail would you like exactly? If you're suggesting it wasn't consensual, then you're accusing her of raping him - you get that right? If you're suggesting she 'led him on' are you saying he was so taken by her he had no control? Come on...fgs.

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 09/01/2017 20:27

You tracked them enough to know you may have needed the MAP or not... the vetoed the idea as you wanted more children.