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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to have a 3rd baby against DH's wishes

999 replies

Babysuprise · 09/01/2017 17:02

DH and I have two lovely children - while I have always wanted more, DH only really wanted one so two was a compromise.

We have had quite heated discussions about having a third and he has always been clear he doesn't want another one.

However, I have just found out I am pregnant. I'm pretty pleased about it as I had resigned myself to just having two, but I know DH will be devastated. I haven't told him yet. AIBU to have this baby anyway?

OP posts:
Tilliii · 09/01/2017 20:07

"I was prepared to just risk it and wait and see what happened."

Well its happened so go tell the man. Then let us know how it goes.

thatdearoctopus · 09/01/2017 20:07

Congratulations?

That's a bit like saying 'well done' to someone who you know has cheated in a test. I feel very sad for the baby, to be honest.

Marynary · 09/01/2017 20:08

They both knew. BOTH. OK, so he didn't suggest the MAP, (and we don't know how much of a risk he thought they'd taken) but the OP, who did know, deliberately didn't suggest it either, because it suited her to have conceived.

I am sure that a forty-year-old man who has had two children knows the facts of lifeHmm He knew that he had unprotected sex and therefore he knew pregnancy was a risk.

JeanLouise123 · 09/01/2017 20:08

Gallavich This thread makes me weep for women kind.

I'm with you there

WaitrosePigeon · 09/01/2017 20:09

Oh dear.

HorridHenryrule · 09/01/2017 20:09

but "knew" she was pregnant almost immediately.

I knew when I was pregnant it was my last pregnancy I didn't notice because I started working.

Not sure how the OP could be so out of tune with her own body as to not know she was in her fertile window,

Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr Confused

Gallavich · 09/01/2017 20:09

And those of you incredulous that a man would have unprotected sex without considering contraception- have you met men? I've fucked my fair share and about 75% of them would have merrily spunked away without a second thought to contraception (or STI prevention) if I hadn't made it clear that wasn't happening.

The reason so many men are so fucking cavalier and feeble about taking responsibility for their fertility is because attitudes that are on display on this thread are so prevalent. It's always the woman's responsibility isn't it?

CandleWithHair · 09/01/2017 20:10

Firstly, congratulations on your pregnancy!

The contraception issue is a joint one, I'm not going to make any remarks there as you're both grown ups.
What I do find odd OP is that you've obviously thought about the possibility you could be pregnant pretty much ever since the event and you haven't said a WORD to your DH. That is odd at best, deceitful at worst and the middle ground is just a murky area of bad relationship communication which is always a terrible idea.

Go and talk to your DH now. The 'advice' you've solicited here is really precious little use to you now the deed is done!

DodoRevival · 09/01/2017 20:11

His actions on Christmas day suggests that he was OK with risking a pregnancy.

Her actions suggest she wants another pregnancy

And I hope most men don't think 'ah she'll sort it'. I know any man I've been with wouldn't. They have made damn sure there's not pregnancy risk - and on the two occasions the risk is apparent the day after (ie regardless of the time in the cycle unprotected sex as take place) the MAP was mentioned by the man (and me because I didn't want to be pregnant either)

MissDreanor90 · 09/01/2017 20:11

Absolutely disgusting behaviour by the op to 'accidentally on purpose fall pregnant' with a third unwanted baby. After the husband already compromised on 2

And those saying it's 50/50 / husband should have got the snip give your head a wobble should we enter every relationship - not trusting the other person ?

He may have believed she was taking the necessary precaustions

And TBH women should take more responsibility ! As it's OUR bodies that it affects and our lives it has a greater impact on.

If he leave you, I'd say good on him. I wouldn't want to stay with someone who disregarded my feelings and essentially tricked me into something against my wishes ( having a child)

It's like a man telling you he's had the snip, so you stop taking birth control and it turns out he never had the snip, knows full well he didn't have it - but wanted a baby and knew you'd say no so went a very underhanded way around u
Very cuntlike imo

Tilliii · 09/01/2017 20:11

If you were prepared to risk it and see what happened then it sounds as though you were secretly hoping to get pregnant anyway.

RacoonBandit · 09/01/2017 20:11

Just to add I don't think he is any less responsible he ran the risks and if he leaves you he is a monumental arsehole.

HorridHenryrule · 09/01/2017 20:12

Yes, I'm sure he'll get over it

Does he have much choice he cant take it back and say sorry I left sperm in your vagina.

SilentBatperson · 09/01/2017 20:12

I must say, when I'm not formally tracking my cycle I tend to only realise I was ovulating after the fact.

Marynary · 09/01/2017 20:12

I don't get why some people think that only the OP "knew" she needed the MAP to avoid pregnancy and her DH wouldn't have done. FFS they are both adults who know the facts of life. It seems that some posters are just dying to make this all OPs fault. They are both equally responsible for the pregnancy.

ImperialBlether · 09/01/2017 20:12

Miss Dreanor: He may have believed she was taking the necessary precaustions

Clearly he didn't believe that.

OnionKnight · 09/01/2017 20:13

Does he have much choice he cant take it back and say sorry I left sperm in your vagina.

Nah but her can divorce her.

slummamumma · 09/01/2017 20:13

silent no most men are not "thick as pig shit". OP and her DH have had the discussion about more children. Let's ask the OP - OP, did you tell your husband that, should the chance arise, you would try to get pregnant at any point? Or, did you just go along with the flow and think "He's a man, as thick as pig shit and should have no say in our future"...

Northernlurker · 09/01/2017 20:13

Mid cycle there's a good chance the map wouldn't have worked anyway, certainly if she waited till Boxing Day.
Bottom line is two consenting adults had sex without contraception. There doesn't appear to have been any deceit. A lot of couples will have had an unprotected shag three weeks ago. They won't all be pregnant.
In thus case one will be pleased, one presumably wont. Both will just have to deal with the situation

BantyCustards · 09/01/2017 20:13

His actions on Christmas Day suggest that he was OK with risking another pregnancy

No, his actions suggest that he just wanted to take the risk and put the responsibility onto his wife - because society allows for that.

Blueskyrain · 09/01/2017 20:14

To decide to willingly take the risk, without discussing it with him, knowing he's got strong feelings on the matter is wrong IMO. He was an idiot for not mentioning it obviously

Saying that its ok because the OP wanted a baby is awful IMO. Its like saying its ok to go to a random club and have sex with a guy unprotected, because you want to get pregnant, without any thought for if he wants the child. But its 100 times worse, because the man who you are 'using' is someone who you are supposed to love.

And its not exactly rocket science when you ovulate is it? Have you just come off your period in the last week? No - ok, are you about to come on your period in the next week? No = a blatantly higher risk time.

slummamumma · 09/01/2017 20:14

Marynary OP is not sorry in any way for the predicament she finds herself in!

Tilliii · 09/01/2017 20:14

OP just said she decided to take a risk and see what happened

SilentBatperson · 09/01/2017 20:15

He may have believed she was taking the necessary precaustions

On what basis, though? Nothing the OP has said gives any reason why he could reasonably presume that.

It's like a man telling you he's had the snip, so you stop taking birth control and it turns out he never had the snip, knows full well he didn't have it - but wanted a baby and knew you'd say no so went a very underhanded way around

It isn't even slightly like that. For that analogy to work, OP would need to have lied about being on some form of contraception herself. Or sabotaged the condoms maybe.

SarfEast1cated · 09/01/2017 20:15

Crikey OP, whatever the whys and wherefores are you now have to deal with it. How are you going to broach this, and how do you think he'll take it? I really hope he is happy and all goes well. You have a lot of worry and soul searching to go through when you decide what to do for the best.