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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to have a 3rd baby against DH's wishes

999 replies

Babysuprise · 09/01/2017 17:02

DH and I have two lovely children - while I have always wanted more, DH only really wanted one so two was a compromise.

We have had quite heated discussions about having a third and he has always been clear he doesn't want another one.

However, I have just found out I am pregnant. I'm pretty pleased about it as I had resigned myself to just having two, but I know DH will be devastated. I haven't told him yet. AIBU to have this baby anyway?

OP posts:

JeanLouise123 · 09/01/2017 19:58

It was "engineered" by the husband also when he risked it by knowingly ejaculated into his wife too no?

HorridHenryrule · 09/01/2017 19:58

If the Op and her DH was arguing about having more children then surely he would have taken extra precautions knowing she wanted another baby. Its not her fault and even if she did take the MAP its not 100% effective in preventing pregnancy. If they had sex Christmas Eve and she went out Boxing Day to buy the MAP that's 48hrs.

flowery · 09/01/2017 19:58

"Not sure how you square this with them apparently not usually discussing whether OP is fertile or not when they have sex. According to OPs account he usually operates in blissful ignorance."

That's perfectly consistent with what I said. If they usually use withdrawal, presumably that means he is relying on her checking her fertile periods and telling him when there is a risk.

Yes of course he should actively ask her, but if their habit has been to use withdrawal without him asking and with her just saying whether he needs to withdraw or not based on the time of month, I don't think it's massively unreasonable for him to think the same approach was still being used, and to assume his wife, who knew he didn't want another baby, would tell him he needed to withdraw, or at least that she thought there was a risk.

He's obviously been daft not being more proactive about contraception, but he decided to trust her about fertile times instead. He's been stupid. But she's been deceitful. At least since Christmas Day, when she knew she needed the MAP and elected not to tell him that.

NapQueen · 09/01/2017 19:59

The op doesn't take contraception. Of course she shouldn't have to run around trying to stop a potential pregnancy when she doesn't mind if the sex resulted in a pregnancy.

The man doesn't want a pregnancy. He should have stopped or used a condom.

WookieWoo · 09/01/2017 19:59

I'm sorry the OP is getting such a hard time.

People are so black and white about things. Yes, it's possible for couples to not talk about contraception...doesn't mean they are stupid or trying to decieve anyone. Shall I tell you why? PEOPLE AREN'T PERFECT.

A series of incidents have led to this pregnancy....incidents that both the OP and her dh are accountable for.

Marynary · 09/01/2017 19:59

If the OP has TOLD her husband that she's on contraceptive pill, why should he question her? Shouldn't he take her word for it as she's his partner and there's trust in a standard relationship.

She didn't tell him she is on the contraception pill. Where did you get that idea from?

Prompto · 09/01/2017 19:59

Errrrr the fact that OP has said she was prepared to just risk it and see what happened..

And the DH was apparently willing to risk it and see what happened too seeing as he knew she wasn't on the pill or other contraception, didn't wear a condom, didn't abstain from having unprotected sex, and didn't ask her if she wanted to take the MAP.

He's not an innocent trapped into it. He knowingly had unprotected sex.

thatdearoctopus · 09/01/2017 19:59

Therefore, what does exactly should the OP confess to?

They both knew. BOTH. OK, so he didn't suggest the MAP, (and we don't know how much of a risk he thought they'd taken) but the OP, who did know, deliberately didn't suggest it either, because it suited her to have conceived.

That's dodgy on every level in my book of ethics. I wouldn't be able to live with my conscience. I would have felt compelled to at least remind him and say, "look, we were careless last night. Do you want to source the MAP?" At least give him the choice.

InterchangeableEmma · 09/01/2017 19:59

I was prepared to just risk it and wait and see what happened.

This has been clear from the off TBH. It seems you did think of the risk of pregnancy at the time you had sex but chose not to mention it. That's deceitful in my book. I do think your DH is a utter prat for not looking after his own fertility, certainly. A total fool. OTOH he probably though he could trust you.

Was there alcohol involved? You refuse to answer that one so I'm guessing
there must have been.

MissHemsworth · 09/01/2017 20:00

If their normal contraception is condoms or withdrawal then presumably OP would have noticed he did not put a condom on & therefore assumed he would withdraw. Considering the nature of the withdrawal method wouldn't that responsibility pretty much fall entirely to the man? Given the lack of communication demonstrated between them OP may not have been aware he was about to ejaculate.

I do find it odd that her DH has not discussed it since & did not even SUGGEST the MAP considering how he is adamant he wants no more children. He's either oblivious or complacent.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 09/01/2017 20:01

I was prepared to just risk it and wait and see what happened.

Then you also have to be prepared to just take the risk that this could be the end of your marriage.

NapQueen · 09/01/2017 20:01

OTOH he probably though he could trust you

Trust her to do what? After the fact?

lauryloo · 09/01/2017 20:02

Congratulations OP

I hope dp is supportive

HorridHenryrule · 09/01/2017 20:03

How would she know when she was ovulating if she doesn't use a kit. I had sex the day after my period stopped for a week and I got pregnant.

Marynary · 09/01/2017 20:03

That's perfectly consistent with what I said. If they usually use withdrawal, presumably that means he is relying on her checking her fertile periods and telling him when there is a risk.

Apart from the fact that is hardly an effective method of contraception, if OP has never said she was tracking her fertile periods then he would be a bit thick to assume that this was happening.

slummamumma · 09/01/2017 20:03

To be honest, I think most men in this situation, having had the discussion they have had, would rely on the woman to get herself the map. OP too is a grown woman and knew her DH's thoughts. Only OP could take the map, not him!
Sorry OP but I think you sound quite smug about your situation and complete disregard and respect for your DH.

As there is a new life involved however, I hope all goes well

Gallavich · 09/01/2017 20:04

broody the op did nothing of the sort. She said she has never been on the pill. They use condoms or withdrawal, neither of which the man chose to use.

How the fuck has she been deceitful? He spunked inside her without protection. She didn't trick him, or lie to him. This thread makes me weep for women kind.

PollytheDolly · 09/01/2017 20:05

Oh Lordy!

I'm interested to see what his reaction is....

RacoonBandit · 09/01/2017 20:05

I think this is a massive trust issue.

The couple have used the withdraw/fertile period as a way of contraception for years. Of course they have got in to some sort of habit with it. Rightly or wrongly.
I doubt the day after every sex session he asks if she needs the MAP but on this occasion on Christmas Day the day after DTD the OP knew she needed it and didn't bother telling her DH. I wonder if she had told him she got her dates mixed up if he would have gone out and got it? I suppose we will never know as the OP chose to keep this information to herself as the result is the baby she wanted.

Pluto30 · 09/01/2017 20:05

Not sure how the OP could be so out of tune with her own body as to not know she was in her fertile window, but "knew" she was pregnant almost immediately.

HorridHenryrule · 09/01/2017 20:05

Anyway congratulations Op it takes 2 to tango and I hope he will step up.

CalmItKermitt · 09/01/2017 20:06

Hopefully he'll get over it and welcome the new addition.

SilentBatperson · 09/01/2017 20:06

If that is true slummamumma, and based on my sample size of one I've just asked it isn't, then most men are as thick as pigshit.

Gallavich · 09/01/2017 20:07

The morning after pill is fucking horrible. I'd rather risk unwanted pregnancy than take it, since the chance of pregnancy is low and the chance of horrible side effects on the map is 100%. No man should assume a woman will choose to take debilitating synthetic hormones just so he can have a bareback orgasm.

OnionKnight · 09/01/2017 20:07

Yes, I'm sure he'll get over it

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