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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to have a 3rd baby against DH's wishes

999 replies

Babysuprise · 09/01/2017 17:02

DH and I have two lovely children - while I have always wanted more, DH only really wanted one so two was a compromise.

We have had quite heated discussions about having a third and he has always been clear he doesn't want another one.

However, I have just found out I am pregnant. I'm pretty pleased about it as I had resigned myself to just having two, but I know DH will be devastated. I haven't told him yet. AIBU to have this baby anyway?

OP posts:
2ducks2ducklings · 09/01/2017 19:49

Did your husband ever mention the morning after pill? Why should it be your responsibility to hunt for one on Christmas Day? I know I wouldn't have done. Especially if I wanted another child and he didn't. If he'd suggested the MAP and you had gotten hold of one but not taken it, that's a whole other issue.
Both of you were responsible for making sure you were protected, though I think he should have taken the lead in this area as he's so against another.
Congratulations by the way! I'm jealous Smile, we're trying for number 3 at the minute and it would have been great for it to happen as easily for us!

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 09/01/2017 19:50

Oh dear what a fucking car crash

I hope he takes it well . Don't show him this thread if I were you .

It's just sad how we
Play Russian roulette with babies lives really

Good luck OP

thatdearoctopus · 09/01/2017 19:50

So I take it you're intending to 'fess up to that - you wanted to risk it and you didn't make any effort to get the MAP (or ask him to go and get it) on Christmas Day.
You engineered this, you need to own it.

ImperialBlether · 09/01/2017 19:50

Bloody hell, Gallavich, there's more than one way of saying that!

tooclosetocall · 09/01/2017 19:51

I was prepared to just risk it and wait and see what happened

just risk it
Biscuit

DodoRevival · 09/01/2017 19:51

"He didn't ask, we didn't talk about fertility/pregnancy."

And he's aware how babies are made?

Unreal the attitudes on here. Unreal. Yep totally fine that a man, who willing took the risk of pregnancy by willing having unprotected sex should leave his family if a prenacy results for his actions.

In no way at all should a man ever have to consider preventing a pregnancy he doesn't want. But absolutely a woman should do everything possibly to prevent a pregnancy she wants in order to submit to her husband's wishes after he's done something that could lead to the exact thing he doesn't want

WookieWoo · 09/01/2017 19:52

Totally agree Gallavich.

To all those calling the OP for everything, could it be possible the husband said he didn't want more children but actually felt differently? Maybe he's the manipulative one. Perhaps he was worried about committing or was just plain lying to his wife then one night decided to have unprotected sex with her to manipulate her into having a baby at a time of his chosing?

Or perhaps this couple are just a silly about contraception and its consequences. I know I'm in that category. Doesn't make me evil, stupid or manipulative and it certainly wouldn't give my husband carte blanche to leave me if I got pregnant.

EC22 · 09/01/2017 19:52

Unless you accidentally on purpose got pregnant then it is no more your fault than his.

You have to deal with it together.
Shit happens.
Congrats on your pregnancy x

Badcat666 · 09/01/2017 19:52

I have a horrible sneaky feeling the OP maybe either lying or not telling the whole truth.

OP - You wanted another baby but your OH didn't and "he never asked" about contraception? WTF??

I smell someone who perhaps was on the pill/ using the cap and stopped taking it.

"The words "he never asked" sounds like something a pregnant woman on the Jeremy Kyle show would say.

"did you tell them you were on the pill or using another female contraception when he didn't use a condom?"

"He didn't ask...."

Prompto · 09/01/2017 19:52

Where is your evidence that it was engineered!?

The DH doesn't want another child. Did he make any effort to source condoms prior to having unprotected sex? Did he discuss MAP with the OP? Or did he too make a decision, spoken or unspoken, to risk it?

thatdearoctopus · 09/01/2017 19:52

I'm jealous smile, we're trying for number 3 at the minute and it would have been great for it to happen as easily for us!

Except there's no "we're" in the OP's case. They're not meant to be "trying for number 3." The OP clearly was, but neglected to inform her dh. I doubt he's going to be thinking it's quite so great.

HorridHenryrule · 09/01/2017 19:53

Does DH need a sex ed lesson he will have to adjust to it. I have 4 children and we live in a four bedroom house only 2 bedrooms are used. The 3 girls wanted to share a room together and my little man is to young and to needy to have his own room yet. I don't think I will be ever separating the girls into separate bedrooms 1 of them would have to share and I cant take the arguments. I'm sure he will be able to cope and use my situation if he brings up space. If he never wanted another child why ejaculate inside you that makes no sense what so ever.

DodoRevival · 09/01/2017 19:54

So I take it you're intending to 'fess up to that - you wanted to risk it and you didn't make any effort to get the MAP (or ask him to go and get it) on Christmas Day.

He risked it to. He also didn't offer to go get the MAP, not did he ask her to go get it.

Why the hell is this difficult for so many to grasp?

Lorelei76 · 09/01/2017 19:54

I'm with Gallavich
Op is guilty of a major drip feed but at the end of it all, this man knows he had unprotected sex, didn't ask for wife to take MAP
but anyone who thinks withdrawal is a good method is a bit mad anyway so he'll probably be angry and not see his responsibility
I hope he he gets a vas on hearing the news.

Pluto30 · 09/01/2017 19:55

I was prepared to just risk it and wait and see what happened.

So basically it was planned unilaterally.

LastLeaf · 09/01/2017 19:55

Surely we are all responsible for our own fertility? Or if you want somebody else to take responsibility then you make sure you have a proper conversation and come to an agreement about how best to proceed with contraception?

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 09/01/2017 19:55

Where is your evidence that it was engineered!?

Errrrr the fact that OP has said she was prepared to just risk it and see what happened..

Marynary · 09/01/2017 19:56

So I take it you're intending to 'fess up to that - you wanted to risk it and you didn't make any effort to get the MAP (or ask him to go and get it) on Christmas Day.

"fess up" to what? I presume that the DH knows OP didn't spend Christmas day sourcing the morning after pill and he certainly didn't bother doing that either. He also knows that they had unprotected sex. Therefore, what does exactly should the OP confess to?

thatdearoctopus · 09/01/2017 19:56

All the reasons he didn't want a third child will still stand. And at the back of your mind, as you're congratulating yourself that you got your own way, you will always wonder if he feels the same way about this third one as the first.

I'm not saying he's right to feel that way, but you can't help your feelings, and there'll be a niggle in the back of your mind.

Hope it's worth it.

broodypsycho · 09/01/2017 19:56

I don't understand how people on here are calling her DP stupid for having unprotected sex bla black

If the OP has TOLD her husband that she's on contraceptive pill, why should he question her? Shouldn't he take her word for it as she's his partner and there's trust in a standard relationship.

Definitely a trap and I hope your partner sees through it

Lorelei76 · 09/01/2017 19:56

In a cancel the cheque way, people are missing that op never took the pill so why would her DH assume she was?

Robinkitty · 09/01/2017 19:56

Sounds like the husbands desire to have sex was stronger than his will not to conceive any more children.

DixieNormas · 09/01/2017 19:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Andrewofgg · 09/01/2017 19:57

I once had to go out and find the MAP half an hour before bloody midnight. Sure, this is in London where an all-night chemist is not too far away, but oh lord, the memory of it. DS was about six and we only have the one so as you will gather the mission was successful.

slummamumma · 09/01/2017 19:57

"I was prepared to just risk it and wait and see what happened."
think you're answer is there - knowing he didn't want another child?

Talk to your DH please OP