Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

AIBU to have a 3rd baby against DH's wishes

999 replies

Babysuprise · 09/01/2017 17:02

DH and I have two lovely children - while I have always wanted more, DH only really wanted one so two was a compromise.

We have had quite heated discussions about having a third and he has always been clear he doesn't want another one.

However, I have just found out I am pregnant. I'm pretty pleased about it as I had resigned myself to just having two, but I know DH will be devastated. I haven't told him yet. AIBU to have this baby anyway?

OP posts:
PigletWasPoohsFriend · 09/01/2017 19:39

it's acceptable for a married man to leave his family because of an unplanned pregnancy

It's acceptable for a man to leave a marriage because they no longer trust their partner, or are no longer happy, or a million and one other reasons.

DodoRevival · 09/01/2017 19:40

I can't crash why so many are rushing in to tell the OP she is manipulative or it's obvious that she is lying or did it all on purpose.

So the DH - before he chose to have unprotected sex with his wife, and he ejaculated inside her must have asked 'are you in your fertility window?'

Because if he didn't then he's as 100% responsible for this pregnancy as she is. Now considering he is the one that doesn't want another baby then it's up to HIM to prevent the possibility of another pregnancy - but he hasn't.

So according to many on this thread despite the fact that he didn't take any precaution to prevent something that he (and he alone) doesn't want then is is obvious that she must take a pill (that is't exactly marvellous for her body).

Two adults have sex that they both know could lead to pregnancy - one adult (whose body will be the pregnancy body) is OK with this outcome - one apparently doesn't what another pregnancy. Why is it that the one that's OK with a pregnancy should take the responsibility to prevent it? Seriously why?

OP one question for it - did you at any point (when I'm assuming your DH made sure there was not change that anything could lead to a pregnancy seeing this is what he most definitely doesn't want) did you give him the impression that there wasn't any chance you could get pregnant?

Did he ask? Or (sorry to be crude) did he just go ahead and have sex and ejaculate in you without thinking about the possible outcome.

BravoPanda · 09/01/2017 19:40

Why didn't he get the snip? Hmm

Aeroflotgirl · 09/01/2017 19:40

My goodness some very sexist attitudes. He chose to have unprotected sex, so there is 50% chance op coukd get pregnant, he took that risk. Wh did he not produce a condom, to be extra safe, or go for a vasectomy. Op woukd like a child, so probably wasent bothered, and more relaxed about not tracking her periods, but her dh should have taken more responsibility with contraception.

Softkitty2 · 09/01/2017 19:41

It takes 2 to tango. You are both responsible for this pregnancy. The onus is not on the woman to use contraception. Although i agree that he didn't want anothe child so HE should have made absolute precautions

NotYoda · 09/01/2017 19:43

There's a middle way between withdrawal and vasectomy. Most couples negotiate it. I don't think a man should have a vasectomy because he can't trust his wide. Mind you. He should use a condom.

Original poster
Babysuprise · 09/01/2017 19:43

He didn't ask, we didn't talk about fertility/pregnancy.

OP posts:
NotYoda · 09/01/2017 19:43

wife

SilentBatperson · 09/01/2017 19:43

Presumably he was under the impression there was no (or very little) risk, otherwise he would have been asking the OP about the MAP and asking about whether she'd done a test/when can one be done.

He was relying on her telling him that, despite the fact that they'd used the withdrawal method previously, on this occasion she hadn't in fact been tracking her periods so there was a risk.

Not sure how you square this with them apparently not usually discussing whether OP is fertile or not when they have sex. According to OPs account he usually operates in blissful ignorance.

Tilliii · 09/01/2017 19:43

Just go tell him already. You havent said much on your thread here.

Blueskyrain · 09/01/2017 19:44

Hmmnn, given that it seems you don't discuss contraception, does he know that you aren't on the pill?

DodoRevival · 09/01/2017 19:44

"I can't crash why" = "I can't understand why" .

Have no clue why it came out crash!!!

Aeroflotgirl · 09/01/2017 19:44

Totally agree DODo, he is just as responsible for this pregnancy as she is!

CakesRUs · 09/01/2017 19:44

If he had unprotected sex with you, pregnancy is likely. If he's adamant he didn't didn't want any more kids, he shouldn't be having unprotected sex with you. Let us know how you get on when you tell him.

NotYoda · 09/01/2017 19:45

But it suited you not to talk about it, didn't it? He's an idiot and you are prepared to take the risk that his idiocy will result in a pregnancy you know he doesn't want

Gallavich · 09/01/2017 19:46

What a lot of vitriol towards a woman whose husband KNOWINGLY SPUNKED IN HIS WIFE'S VAGINA WITHOUT CONTRACEPTION

You've done nothing wrong. I question your husband's maturity if you rely on withdrawal yet rarely discuss whether you're fertile Hmm

Original poster
Babysuprise · 09/01/2017 19:46

I've never been on the pill so he has no reason to think I would be.

OP posts:
pipsqueak25 · 09/01/2017 19:46

totally pathetic on all accounts.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 09/01/2017 19:47

I question your husband's maturity if you rely on withdrawal yet rarely discuss whether you're fertile

You question his maturity but not the OPs.

redexpat · 09/01/2017 19:47

As my late GFIL used to say if you play the lottery you risk winning. If the dh didnt want to win then yes he should have taken resonsibility for not impregnating his wife with whom he was quite willing to have sex.

Original poster
Babysuprise · 09/01/2017 19:47

I was prepared to just risk it and wait and see what happened.

OP posts:
DixieNormas · 09/01/2017 19:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gallavich · 09/01/2017 19:49

No! She's not the one taking the risk of an unwanted pregnancy that she can do nothing about is she? Her behaviour has been perfectly rational. He's the idiot here.

Prompto · 09/01/2017 19:49

OP, ignore the amount of shit being thrown your way. He knew you're not on the pill, he knows that you're healthy and of childbearing age, he knew you want another child and he still came inside of you without protection. You haven't tricked him, you haven't stuck pins in a condom or 'forgotten' to take your pill. You had sex. He is just as responsible.

Talk to him. Regardless of how this turns out, you need to tell him.

NapQueen · 09/01/2017 19:49

I took the MAP once after a mishap (condom came off), and it played holy he'll with me for at least 6 weeks afterwards. No way will I ever take it again!

Obviously that means I would have to run the risk of making a decision if I happened to fall pregnant, but for now dh and I are super cautious about contraception.

Your dh didn't stop and put a condom on. He knows you aren't on the pill. He didn't ask if you would consider the map. You chose not to take it as you personally aren't bothered about the outcome - why take it if you don't want to?!

You need to talk to him.