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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to have a 3rd baby against DH's wishes

999 replies

Babysuprise · 09/01/2017 17:02

DH and I have two lovely children - while I have always wanted more, DH only really wanted one so two was a compromise.

We have had quite heated discussions about having a third and he has always been clear he doesn't want another one.

However, I have just found out I am pregnant. I'm pretty pleased about it as I had resigned myself to just having two, but I know DH will be devastated. I haven't told him yet. AIBU to have this baby anyway?

OP posts:
SantaPleaseBringMeEwanMcGregor · 09/01/2017 19:24

You haven't engaged at all with what your usual method of contraception is despite lots and lots of people asking

While I can see the question of, "Were you both unprotected, and you both knew it?" would be relevant, I don't see why her form of contraception is relevant. It strikes me as horribly intrusive, but maybe I've missed a reason for so many questions about it.

But when you have unprotected sex, as long as you know it's unprotected, congrats, you are consenting to be a parent. (If one partner knows they're unprotected and the other does not, that is a huge breach of trust.)

Regardless, she's pregnant now, so the two of them are going to have to have a serious discussion. Two if she led him to think they were protected.

Also, pulling out is not contraception. It's baby roulette.

HorridHenryrule · 09/01/2017 19:25

She could have bought the MAP on boxing day I am sure Boots would have been open.

Timetogrowup2016 · 09/01/2017 19:28

Are you Kerry dyer ?

Badcat666 · 09/01/2017 19:28

Sounds like the OP got want she wanted, by hook or by crook.

As it happened over Christmas I wonder if drink was involved considering contraception wasn't it would seem.

HorridHenryrule · 09/01/2017 19:28

Santa she already answered that question its either condoms or the pull out method. Which works for many people but you have to be on the ball.

Blueskyrain · 09/01/2017 19:28

I just don't understand how if you usually use condoms or the 'withdrawal method' why the two of you didn't naturally discuss it when you had totally unprotected sex. Do you have issues with communication within your marriage?

worridmum · 09/01/2017 19:28

Hes a twat because he would leave because of a deal breaker?

Tbh If i was your husband i would be angry and would serously consider divorce and hope your prepared to be a single mother incase he doesnt get "over it".

Be prepared for the possiblity of the hard work involved with raising 3 children single handed (also possibly dealing with the fallout of the dad refusing to parent 1 dc when a friend had a "accident" and had a third child it wasnt a accident she lied about being on the pill and ripped the condom and was boosting about it in text message form and her DH found out about and walked out then and there.

And the extra joy of refusing to see the 3rd child and the hurt of her youngest child when they know for a fact they were not wanted (while he is a sort of twat for refusing to see or have anything to do with the 3rd child other then paying maintance) while this might be a extreme reaction it is a possiblity.

flowery · 09/01/2017 19:30

"The DH didn't want another child and yet he didn't have a vascectomy, use condoms, find out where to get te MAP on Christmas Day"

Presumably he was under the impression there was no (or very little) risk, otherwise he would have been asking the OP about the MAP and asking about whether she'd done a test/when can one be done.

He was relying on her telling him that, despite the fact that they'd used the withdrawal method previously, on this occasion she hadn't in fact been tracking her periods so there was a risk.

Prompto · 09/01/2017 19:31

Why is so much hate being poured on the OP? Her DH was the one who didn't want a child therefore the onus was on him to prevent one being conceived. He should have been a grown up and put a rubber on it but he didn't, he took the risk of unprotected sex and now he has to live with the consequences.

If this was the other way around and someone was posting that she doesn't want more kids but had unprotected sex with her DH and he'd gotten her pregnant she would be getting told in no uncertain terms that she didn't want more children so she should have taken precautions. Well it works both ways - he doesn't want more children so he should have taken precautions.

The OP was under no obligation to take the MAP or get an IUD fitted just as her DH was under no obligation to evacuate inside her without a condom on.

Prompto · 09/01/2017 19:31

*ejaculate

worridmum · 09/01/2017 19:31

Oh and the older children also know the youngest had broken up the family as they were 8 and 9 at the time, so there is alot of sibling problems.....

MarcelineTheVampire · 09/01/2017 19:33

Loup that is rape, which is illegal.

SummerHouse · 09/01/2017 19:33

Our first child was accidental. I never look at him and think he was an accident. I look at him and think he was meant to be

He is the single best thing that has ever happened to us.

You both knew the risk. Some things are just meant to be.

SilentBatperson · 09/01/2017 19:34

It would be pretty twatty to blame the other person for something you are, if OPs account is correct, equally responsible for...

The whole thing seems to have involved a total abdication of sense from both parties. Each choosing to have unprotected sex, knowing they are in disagreement about whether to have a child, knowing they're both fertile and neither even bothering to mention the topic of emergency contraception?! This is one of those where you hope the OP is bullshitting.

Prompto · 09/01/2017 19:34

Presumably he was under the impression there was no (or very little) risk

He's an adult in his 40s not some innocent little lamb. He has presumably been having sex for around twenty years or so, he should know how it works by now and that sex carries the risk of pregnancy.

TataEs · 09/01/2017 19:34

yanbu

ur getting roasted here but he's an adult who chose to have unprotected sex.

he could say 'i had unprotected sex with my wife, now she's pregnant, wibu to give the ultimatum "have an abortion or i am leaving" because i don't want another child'

Blueskyrain · 09/01/2017 19:34

If he didn't want a child, they both have a responsibility to try not to create one. Him, because he doesn't want a child, the OP because she should be considering her husband's feelings on the matter.

Eevee77 · 09/01/2017 19:35

You got pregnant on purpose IMO. I really don't understand why you didn't use MAP, you can take them 72 hours after DTD. Do not be surprised when he is unhappy.

LoupGarou · 09/01/2017 19:36

Marceline yes I know. I was and still am disgusted, far far too mild a term for the sentiment. She didn't see it that way and used the "but he enjoyed it" which made me feel murderous. We are still close friends with the DH, he didn't press charges. I have been raped and anyone taking away another's rights makes me blood boil

thatdearoctopus · 09/01/2017 19:36

I had an accidental third baby - it happens to lots of people

Except that, with every post the OP makes, it's quite clear that this wasn't an accident, but quite likely engineered.

Anyway, so what, you've got what you wanted, OP, so who gives a shit about your husband's thoughts on the matter. You certainly don't seem to.

WookieWoo · 09/01/2017 19:37

I seriously worry about the sort of men some of your hang out with...it's acceptable for a married man to leave his family because of an unplanned pregnancy, he'll hate the child, refuse to see it and the other children would hate the child as the trigger for the family breakdown.

Seriously.

It's written about as if this would be acceptable behaviour!

He had unprotected sex with his wife, who he knew wants another baby. Even if she said it was a 'safe' part of her cycle, if he was so desperate to not have another baby he should have used a frigging condom or not had sex or had a vasectomy or pretty much anything other than have unprotected sex!

Jesus wept.

JeanLouise123 · 09/01/2017 19:37

Congratulations. It's not your fault. It takes two to tango. I used to be risky like this. Now I've had a (planned) child and know I don't want to get pregnant I am no longer as care free, that is my responsibility. If I was male and didn't want to impregnate someone, I would take similar precautions. We're responsibile for our own fertility are we not? Presumably he knows how babies are made, he can't be all that surprised when you tell him. Wishing you all the best OP

Marynary · 09/01/2017 19:37

Hes a twat because he would leave because of a deal breaker?

He certainly would be a twat to leave if his wife because of a pregnancy if he knowingly had unprotected sex with her.

worridmum · 09/01/2017 19:38

Sadly under UK law Marceline it is not rape at best it would be classed as sexaul assault (which in theory is meant to be treated the same as rape but is not).

All unconsented sex should be classed as rape, No means No and gender should not be considered (but at the current time a woman cannot rape a man Under UK law or another woman for that matter)

tooclosetocall · 09/01/2017 19:38

Is it really worse for a woman not to take the morning after pill than it is for a man (who doesn't want a baby) to not use contraception?

No. Both are equally irresponsible.
Although OP, you are coming across worse as it seems you had an inkling knew it was risky, went ahead with unprotected sex anyway (did you not ask for your DH to use a condom?) then still knowing it was risky; decided against the MAP. Were you both sober at the time?
You are coming off a damn sight more guilty than your DH at the moment but of course we are only hearing your side of the story.

It's just a lot happier all round isn't it when both partners are wanting the pregnancy. You'll never know what your DH will say or how he will react until you tell him. When are you planning on doing this... soon I hope Confused? I do hope this has a happy ending for your family.