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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to have a 3rd baby against DH's wishes

999 replies

Babysuprise · 09/01/2017 17:02

DH and I have two lovely children - while I have always wanted more, DH only really wanted one so two was a compromise.

We have had quite heated discussions about having a third and he has always been clear he doesn't want another one.

However, I have just found out I am pregnant. I'm pretty pleased about it as I had resigned myself to just having two, but I know DH will be devastated. I haven't told him yet. AIBU to have this baby anyway?

OP posts:
TaliZorahVasNormandy · 09/01/2017 19:10

How can she get pregnant on purpose, if no contraception is used?

Tbh OP, you've both been stupid, you know he doesnt want another baby, but then he cant be arsed to deal with his own protection, knowing you arent using any. If this goes badly, you both only have yourselves to blame.

SilentBatperson · 09/01/2017 19:10

Am I the only person who believes than an individual (yes, even a man!) has the right to control their own genetic material? Have a say in their own finances and family life? Bodily autonomy?

Not at all. I would defend, to the death if necessary, a man's right not to ejaculate into a woman he knows is not using contraception and is not infertile.

If this is in any way genuine OP, you're both irresponsible idiots.

Xmasbaby11 · 09/01/2017 19:11

That was irresponsible of you. I hope dh is happy about it.

Thegirlinthefireplace · 09/01/2017 19:12

Disappointing response. Assuming facts given are accurate there is no deceit, just two people taking a risk. OP was obviously happy to take the risk and her husband clearly was too or he would have done something g about it.

When I wanted to try for number 2 but husband didn't there was no sex without a condom. I would have taken the risk, husband didn't want to so condom was worn. Ops husband cocked up here if he's that adamant he doesn't want another.

MarcelineTheVampire · 09/01/2017 19:14

Purple no, she decided not to spend her entire Christmas Day searching for open chemists and/or being ill- her husband could have spoken to her about it and gone and got her he MAP himself...she never said she would have refused to take it, but she wasn't inclined to source it.

RacoonBandit · 09/01/2017 19:15

I don't get the impression the OP is that bothered about DH tbh. She wanted another now she has one. He is 50% responsible for this child and he should have protected himself so however this pans out is down to both of them.

It will probably be fine and there will be no awful fall out.
Personally I could not have a baby knowing my husband did not want it but that's just me as my DC were all planned and very much wanted by both.

Original poster
Babysuprise · 09/01/2017 19:16

Is it really worse for a woman not to take the morning after pill than it is for a man (who doesn't want a baby) to not use contraception?

OP posts:
BoopTheSnoot · 09/01/2017 19:16

Seems to me that you've either been deceitful in all of this ("I'll get the MAP", "I'm at a safe point in my cycle" etc etc); or their of you have been massively irresponsible.
You could have got the MAP on Boxing Day if necessary, as Boots are open then. But I suspect that you know that very well.
It's the baby and your already born children that I feel sorry for. It's them who will feel any fall-out the hardest.

BoopTheSnoot · 09/01/2017 19:16

the pair of you rather!

happypoobum · 09/01/2017 19:18

I think you have had a really rough ride on this thread OP. A lot of projection going on.

Your DH had unprotected sex with you, knowing you had no other means of contraception. So he has absolutely no right to start squealing about any subsequent pregnancy! You are equally responsible.

Marynary · 09/01/2017 19:18

Well yes, but the op clearly realised there was a risk and actively decided not take the MAP.

Unless he is extremely thick he would have also realised there was a risk of pregnancy too, not just OP. He could have suggested the MAP, found out where she could get it on Christmas day (not easy I'm sure), drive her there etc etc but he did absolutely nothing.

Champers4Pampers · 09/01/2017 19:19

I agree with the other posters that say if your DH absolutely didn't want anymore children he should of had the snip. However, I'm finding it hard to believe that this was a complete accident on your part. I think you knew exactly what you were doing. I don't think it should come as a complete surprise to him considering you usually use condoms or withdrawal and on this occasion you used neither.

Have you considered how your children will feel if he leaves you over this? They could really resent the new baby.

I don't know what your hoping to achieve in posting this? Certainly not a pat on the back for ultimately tricking your husband into a 3rd baby.

I hope this isn't a deal breaker for him & wish you the best in the future.

HermioneJeanGranger · 09/01/2017 19:20

I don't get why OP has to take most of the blame here.

Both of them had unprotected sex. Both of them know the consequences. If the DH was so bothered, he could have gone to find the MAP himself, used a condom or refused to have sex without protection.

Why is it all her fault? Hmm

FatOldBag · 09/01/2017 19:20

Your dh has every right to decide he doesn't want any more children. He can choose this through getting a vasectomy, abstaining from sex, or using a condom. Instead however, he hoped to avoid pregnancy by having unprotected sex with a woman in her fertile years and just hoping it wouldn't happen. If he really, genuinely doesn't want children, then he's a bit of an idiot (massive understatement) to have done this, isn't he! It's his responsibility to manage his fecundity, if he blames you, he's a knob.

Of course Yanbu to have the baby you are pregnant with. Congratulations.

MrGrumpy01 · 09/01/2017 19:20

I had an accidental 3rd. 5yrs on and we are still together, only the OP knows how her dh will react.

OP tell him sooner rather than later. Give him time to process it and then talk about where you go from here. What's done is done. 12 pages calling the OP all the names under the sun isn't going to change anything.

Congratulations as well.

Rixera · 09/01/2017 19:21

Do people really put that much faith into fertile windows? I got pregnant despite not menstruating at a BMI in the 15s

BantyCustards · 09/01/2017 19:22

YANBU unless you engineered the situation then YABVVU

LoupGarou · 09/01/2017 19:22

An ex friend of mine wanted another child and her husband didn't. She got her husband pretty drunk, then let him drift off for a nap and woke him up with sex, by the time he fully woke up and realised what was going on he was then ejaculating (he had issues with premature ejaculation - knowing this is yet another reason we are no longer friends) and she physically stopped him from pulling out. It resulted in a pregnancy.
It is possible to get a man to ejaculate without his consent (or with dubious consent), I realise the example above it different to the OPs situation though.

HorridHenryrule · 09/01/2017 19:22

For future reference you could get a ovulation kit that should tell you when. I have never used one myself so cant give you any advice. Best thing would be to ask the pharmacist.

DixieNormas · 09/01/2017 19:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Trifleorbust · 09/01/2017 19:23

Even if the OP did set out to get pregnant, why the hell did her OH not exercise his right to not reproduce? Why is the OP taking so much criticism for failing to avoid a pregnancy she actively desires, when her OH is being excused for failing to avoid a pregnancy he doesn't want? I think that is he more irresponsible choice Confused

Marynary · 09/01/2017 19:23

Have you considered how your children will feel if he leaves you over this? They could really resent the new baby.

Seriously. If my father left my mother because she got pregnant and he didn't want the baby despite not using any contraception I would think he was a total knob.

DailyFaily · 09/01/2017 19:23

I can buy the idea that your DH got carried away and went ahead with intercourse without contraception (that's stupid but happens all the time). I can't get my head around the fact that he, who so adamantly doesn't want another child, has not since mentioned the events of Christmas Eve or asked you about taking the MAP or even queried the possibility of a pregnancy - he's either completely clueless or had reason to think there was no chance of pregnancy (or was he drunk and doesn't remember that you had sex?) because otherwise he'd be asking if you'd done a pregnancy test by now surely?

Baylisiana · 09/01/2017 19:23

I think in your position OP I would have raised the issue immediately and said, should I assume from your silence that you are happy to take our chances and you don't want me to get MAP? The onus is as much on him as you to discuss it, so you weren't deceitful not to, just a bit unwise perhaps as it would have been better to have things clear between you. I am not saying you should have taken it against your wishes, as the decision to have unprotected sex had been taken. Just that then you could have had everything out in the open.

What do you think is going on in his head? He knows he had unprotected sex, he knows you did not go rushing out for MAP. Is he assuming that you have some secret way of making sure you don't get pregnant, or is he aware of being in a wait and see situation?

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 09/01/2017 19:24

The op didn't need to get the map, she doesnt have a problem having another child so why should she mind the risk?

Exactly. Plus her admitting she wasn't bothered about checking her fertile window makes me think this was either consciously or unconsciously engineered.