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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to have a 3rd baby against DH's wishes

999 replies

Babysuprise · 09/01/2017 17:02

DH and I have two lovely children - while I have always wanted more, DH only really wanted one so two was a compromise.

We have had quite heated discussions about having a third and he has always been clear he doesn't want another one.

However, I have just found out I am pregnant. I'm pretty pleased about it as I had resigned myself to just having two, but I know DH will be devastated. I haven't told him yet. AIBU to have this baby anyway?

OP posts:
LoupGarou · 09/01/2017 18:59

Others have said it better than me but I cannot understand anyone having such little regard for something so important to their spouse that they couldn't even bother to get the MAP. You would risk taking a wrecking ball to your existing children's lives and your marriage just so that you can get your own way? Risk a horrible atmosphere for your third child? How is a third child worth potentially sacrificing all that for?

Your DH should have taken responsibility for contraception also, but he should be able to trust his wife too. A marriage without trust is extremely bleak.

ricepolo · 09/01/2017 18:59

If your husband is very clear that he doesn't want a baby, preventing pregnancy is not only his responsibility but also yours: that's what respecting the wishes and views of someone you love looks like, even though you might disagree with them. It's obviously his own responsibility too, but when my DH was dead against another I made sure that we always had condoms ready since I loved him more than I wanted another baby.

stitchglitched · 09/01/2017 18:59

You haven't been deceitful OP. Foolish to risk pregnancy with a reluctant partner IMO, but no more so than your husband.

Some people will always argue for a man to have the right to consequence free sex. His right to orgasm without having to worry about trivial things like contraception (after all it was xmas, he may have had a couple of drinks, give him a break Hmm ) is the most important thing here. Even when he willingly ejaculates, unprotected, he has apparently been tricked by an evil woman. Poor thing.

EZA15 · 09/01/2017 18:59

When are you planning on telling him?

LoupGarou · 09/01/2017 19:00

Sorry meant how is a theoretical third child worth sacrificing for.

WookieWoo · 09/01/2017 19:01

Crikey, some seriously virtuous people out there.

OP, I had a 'scare' over Christmas. We have 2 dc. I wanted a 3rd for a long time but don't now. Dh definitely doesn't want any more. BUT he has compelling failed to do anything about a vasectomy..he wants one. I remind him frequently. And yet he still hasn't sorted it. We have used the withdrawal method for 5 years! Both of us bright, sensible adults. But not perfect and aware of the constant risk we are taking.

During the 'scare' I was about 5 days late. Did tests. Negative. No baby. I have no idea when I'm fertile and my period surprises me every month!

We were both assuming responsibility. And despite all that, he's STILL not arranged a vasectomy or used condoms since.

If you are using withdrawal, the odd condom and then ejaculating inside you both know the risk and can't be surprised when you get pregnant. People saying they hope he doesn't leave the OP are out of their minds...he bloody knew what he was doing!

Hope it all goes well. And congratulations.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 09/01/2017 19:01

Some people will always argue for a man to have the right to consequence free sex.

Some people will always blame the man.

RacoonBandit · 09/01/2017 19:01

Raccoon we had unprotected sex so obviously pregnancy is a risk?

I'm not sure what he was thinking, we haven't really talked about it since. I'm really not sure what his reaction will be.

Oh please don't get me wrong he is an idiot also and I have no sympathy for him. It's just your posts read like you actually knew it was your fertile time which does not sit well tbh.

You have both fucked up but as it turns out it is what you wanted and he is too stupid to take control of his fertility so yay you.

MarcelineTheVampire · 09/01/2017 19:03

Stitch EXACTLY!! I am aghast at how vehemently posters are against OP- I honestly don't give that she has done anything wrong but somehow is still the evil woman.

Gileswithachainsaw · 09/01/2017 19:03

Of course she's been a bit deceitful.
As pp said there has to he some truly able to be given.

And as a third child had not been greed on she had just as much responsibility to stop it happening as he did.

He's an idiot fir not caring and being careful

She's deceitful for taking full advantage of that and not stopping it either.

Both are far to immature to have kids tbh

Lweji · 09/01/2017 19:03

OP if he complains about it, do tell him clearly that men who don't want children use condoms or have the snip.
His responsibility.

stitchglitched · 09/01/2017 19:04

'Some people will always blame the man.'

I will blame the person of either sex who doesn't want another child, uses no contraception and then complains when pregnancy occurs or says they were tricked.

PurpleDaisies · 09/01/2017 19:05

she does not have a responsibility to advise him on where she is in her cycle
If that's the method they've chosen to use as contraception, she should know when her fertile time is. If she were on the pill she'd have a responsibility to take it correctly or advise the husband they weren't protected.

The op's attitude towards taking the MAP is very telling.

Original poster
Babysuprise · 09/01/2017 19:06

Thankyou Wookie.

OP posts:
Marynary · 09/01/2017 19:06

I can't believe some of the responses on this thread. The DH didn't want another child and yet he didn't have a vascectomy, use condoms, find out where to get te MAP on Christmas day or bother in any way to protect against pregnancy and yet some people think he has been wronged because OP didn't spend her Christmas day sourcing the MAP and then potentially vomiting all day after taking it.

icanteven · 09/01/2017 19:06

I don't know. We don't want more children (well no - I would love 2 more, actually, and so would DH, but we can't do the baby thing again).

I had the Mirena for 5 years after DD2 and decided to have it out and "go it alone" instead, with a vague idea of condoms + returning to charting (which had been successful for us in the past), but when faced with sex WITHOUT bulletproof contraception, I was super jumpy about it. I'd leap three feet into the air if DH came near me without a condom on. In the end, I decided that sex was more fun and spontaneous without the anxiety of an unintended pregnancy, so I got my Mirena back in and everything's great, esp. the 100% absence of periods.

My point is that I actively and strongly do NOT want another baby and I took staying unpregnant extremely seriously.

If the OP's husband was 100% serious about not wanting any more children, having unprotected sex with his wife and then not having a panicked conversation afterwards about getting the MAP right away is just NUTS.

OP wants another baby anyway, so she's cool with it, but while I think it's only human for her DH to be a bit gloomy about it at first, it WBVVVVU to be angry at the OP over this.

LubiLooLoo · 09/01/2017 19:07

If your husband leaves you because you have accidentally gotten pregnant, he's a twat.

I can't believe so many women would think that him turning his back on you and your family because of a unplanned baby is alright! It is your joint responsibility to look after your reproductive health, and you have both made the mistake (or happy accident).

I would suggest keeping the dialogue open, don't dismiss termination, but don't be forced into something you don't want. Talk about both of your feelings about this and balance your emotional books. He might be shocked or even a little angry. That's ok. But it's as much his responsibility as yours!

I hope it has a happy ending for you either way.

BiscuitBiscuit

DearMrDilkington · 09/01/2017 19:07

Your both extremely irresponsible. Please don't teach your dc your idea of "safe sex" when they're old enough, leave that to adults who understand how the reproductive systems work.

MarcelineTheVampire · 09/01/2017 19:07

Purple surely it is HIS responsibility to know this too?! He could have asked and they could have figured this out together before having sex.

Newbrummie · 09/01/2017 19:07

Ouch, tricky one but three kids as a single mum would be damn hard work.

stitchglitched · 09/01/2017 19:08

Spot on Marynary. OP is supposed to take her husband's wish for no more kids more seriously than he apparently takes it himself.

GizmoFrisby · 09/01/2017 19:08

Did you get pregnant on purpose? If so YABU. I think this may be the the case

Crowdblundering · 09/01/2017 19:09

This has turned into a bit of a witch hunt - the OP will be taking responsibility for the error not us lot here! She's the one who is going to have to deal with her OHs reaction (who IMO is just as responsible).

Not sure why people are being quite so vitriolic.

I had an accidental third baby - it happens to lots of people

PurpleDaisies · 09/01/2017 19:09

Purple surely it is HIS responsibility to know this too?! He could have asked and they could have figured this out together before having sex.

Well yes, but the op clearly realised there was a risk and actively decided not take the MAP.

user1483804139 · 09/01/2017 19:10

Well, whatever the outcome, as long as you're happy to potentially have a strain put upon your relationship with this news when you knew your husband didn't want anymore children then that's that. Personally I couldn't bring another child into the world knowing I wouldn't have my husband's support. I mean, really, you should be talking to him, not us about this. I hope it all ends happily for you and that you find some sort of contraception in future. Good luck.