To ask how not to be frumpy

[Moomoomango]

I feel like total mum frump. I'm overweight (working on it) I rarely put on make up and I generally feel like a frump. I'm only 29, two children 5&1. Please tell me how mums at soft play look so put together and gorgeous- whilst I am just straggling along delighted we've made it out the house? What simple routines / things should I do / buy to look less frumpy?!

Can't wait for flared jeans to be back!!

I'd question anyone who said they couldn't care how unattractive they looked and were happy to be as unattractive as possible. I'd say that's more given up attitude rather than anything else and I'd struggle to believ it makes them happy.

I have never been bothered about what I look like. I get it's important to some people and I respect that but to say that is bloody insulting. I dress appropriately for work and I'm clean. I don't wear make up, I bite my nails and certainly couldn't be arsed to follow the 'rules' on here (seriously - don't wear things that are out of style? Who actually cares?)

How I look doesn't make me happy or unhappy - it's not something that I generally think about. Please don't assume that everyone cares how you look or how anyone else looks.

As for a pp saying you should make an effort for your partner - I think the 1950s want their attitude back

Wear what makes you feel good.

Livia, I think that's got some positives that you genuinely don't care about your appearance, most people though do care about we we ourselves look but also understand others do judge us based on how we present ourselves. For the reason is it tells us something about the person in many instances. As people we know this and our appearance can often be a statement about our personalities or who we are.

Few people are confident enough to not care if the outside world thinks we look shit. That's why clothes, hair, and make up are such huge industries.

Not caring must be very liberating, but I do care about my appearance as do many others.

Please don't assume that everyone cares how you look or how anyone else looks.

It's amazing how this statement just would not compute for some people.

They've been socialised to the point where that would not even be an option.

Fair enough - I wouldn't know whether I looked good or not dressed or groomed a certain way.
I would judge slightly over the pyjamas in public but other than that I cba to concern myself over how someone dresses.

I hate the assumption that someone who doesn't try to look 'attractive' (and surely that's a subjective thing anyway) has somehow given up on themselves

Yy to the socialisation!

Yes good point LIVIA

I don't like being overweight for health reasons but if I really think about it, one of the nicest women I know, who I would always seek out to sit next to, is overweight, wears no make up and jeans and fleeces. She's lovely!

OP - wear what you feel comfortable in!

I think for most people that are struggling to find their mojo, frumpy can be avoided. Some of the following may help:
Look on Pinterest, Google etc for outfits, styles that you like.

Ignore any mention of mutton and wear what you like.

Decent hairdresser, diet, a bit of exercise, some grooming.

Clothes that fit and are your new style (maybe a touch of rock chick, hipster, classic, preppy etc basically anything but frumpy). Get rid of clothes the moment they become tatty, dated etc.

The right size underwear.

Footwear can be a minefield of frump- no Cornish pasties, crocs etc. This also applies to summer clothing- choose carefully.

Treat yourself to a really lovely jacket or coat.

Take a stylish friend shopping and be fussy, never buy something because "it will do".

Save walking gear, fleeces, anoraks for outdoor activities like hiking/dog walking.

Make-up that suits you, lots of make-up tutorial videos on YouTube.

Plus confidence, attitude and a mirror.

Why wouldn't you make an effort for your partner? Nothing to do with the 1950s, more common sense. A partner (male/female/whatever) is not a flatmate. No one is suggesting wearing curlers all day and whipping off an apron as the dh comes home in the evening, but washing hair and occasionally losing the fleece is not too much of a stretch.

I do concede that you can look perfectly clean and tidyish and still look frumpy, which is subjective. Some people do sneer but who cares about them? I'm sure I'm fairly frumpy at times, but all I can do is swerve the major no-nos.

I do think the worst frumpy mistake that people make is Hair Dos. The OP is only 29. Hair dos look awful on 99% of women. Scruffy hair in a ponytail (not Streatham face lift) looks so much better than a terrible Mum Do which I see on so many women.

Livia, you just need to look at this thread, the many style and beauty or weight loss threads on here, the huge industries that are hair, make up and clothes to know the very vast majority of the population do care and those that don't are in a tiny minority,

There is no right or wrong, it's fine to care and take a pride in Ines appearance, to feel good when you look good, it's also fine to not give a shit.

My statement on giving up on oneself was made because the truth is genuinely I've never met a man or woman who really truly doesn't ever care. Who doesn't ever have that thought about what will I wear to this event, about thinking I need to brush my hair as it's a mess, or those are nice trousers they will look good on me, or gosh she looks nice or that person is attractive,

You say uou genuinely don't care, and I believe you, I'm saying it's unusual. Even in tribes people put mud or paint on their faces, they stretch their ear lobes, or do their hair in an ornate fashion, it's simply most humans wish to present an attractive exterior. It's not socialisation, it's human nature.

Only read half the thread but my thoughts thus far:

I remember that 'ten years younger' programme very well, and there were often skinny women on it. In fleeces. I have a pal who is a gym instructor, in her fifties she has the body of a professional dancers, I could weep with envy. But she dresses so utterly frumpily you would never guess she was totally kicking it.

I'm at the jeans /natural look end of the grooming spectrum and I look pretty good most days. I wear much the same stuff from year to year, and buy better and better quality.

Jeans are a staple, I wear 'slim' leg, which I find much more flattering than skinny on me. Boyfriend style is great in summer too.

Ankle length boots (mine have a wedge). T-shirts, shirts, crew neck jumpers or polo necks if cold.

I have short hair in a 'britpop' style, and my face cannot tolerate any base at all so I use fake tan and a lick of cream blusher. It's the blusher that makes me look alive.

I don't own any crap coats. Only really good ones, including a casual parka for everyday winter use.

I see women round here looking great in a variety of styles, from high glamour to sporty. Please don't shoot me but the one look I'm not keen on is knee length skirts, wool tights and flat boots. It's popular but I think it makes women look older and less stylish than they actually are. No doubt they might have words to say about my jeans and shirts too!

I felt like this a few months ago as with two pre schoolers I was just trying to get through the day and felt happy that I d managed to get dressed and brush my hair in the morning let alone anything else. Often I would look in the mirror in the car going somewhere and realise that's the first time I d looked in the mirror. I am ashamed to say but I probably had slightly greasy hair pulled back into a ponytail and no make up everyday. My skin wasn't brilliant but I didn't have time to sort myself out or the inclination to prioritise my image during that time.

It was only when I saw a photo of myself taken at the local toddler group that I decided I must sort myself out. I looked awful and where I live there are lots of stylish yummy mummies.

I did a few simple things and feel much better and I hope look better too. I do get compliments now and dh has noticed. I feel I did let myself go for a year or so. I got my hair cut, layered and highlighted as it was really long and limp before and now spend 5 mins in the morning straightening it around my face. It s amazing how much something small like that can lift you.

I decided to invest in some decent clothes as my pre baby #2 clothes were now ill fitting and looked abit old. I went for stylish but long lasting and practical as there's no point wearing anything too expensive or nice for the kids to ruin it. I got nice fitting tops, Jeans and a coat and spent bit more than usual cheap and cheerful. Then I got some leather smart look and trendy trainers as high heels are practical for me at the moment.

It's difficult when you're trying to loose weight though as you don't want to spend money on clothes only to not be able to fit into them a few months later. That's one reason I waited to buy anything too much.

chicken

They are back. Or well... it's easy to find them again when shopping! And I'll wear them because they really suit my body type. I don't care if they aren't back yet 'officially' ;)

Ps where do people buy their stylish but well fitted dresses and skirts from? I ve been looking for day dresses I can wear with boots and coloured tights but can't find anything I like. I like ones which are plain or have a nice pattern and are fitted but skim over all my lumps and bumps with a v neck.

I haven't read the whole thread, but what I agree with most from what I have read is to wear what makes you happy, and what you feel comfortable with. Sometimes though we can lose track. The OP obviously does care about how she looks, and is not happy at the moment, so should definitely do something about it.

OP - have you considered having a session with a personal shopper - Debenhams provide a good service. They would help you dress for your shape and style, and help you refresh your wardrobe. When I have been, there was no pressure to buy.

Also, re losing weight, this can be a bit chicken and egg - you feel down about how you look, and end up comfort eating, and the cycle continues. If you do something for you, to boost your confidence, the effects will be felt in other areas.

Good luck, OP!

Hi OP - I feel your pain, having cycled in and out of frumpiness a few times over the years. Lots of good advice from PP already, particularly about finding a style that works for you and sticking with it. As you are only 29, one of the easiest ways to avoid looking frumpy is to dress your age - a stylish mum in her twenties will look different from a stylish mum in her forties. Three simple things that have always worked for me:

1. One bold piece of jewellery. I am personally a fan of bold dangly earrings (they suit me really well), but I have seen "statement" necklaces or rings work as well. The key is wearing one item only. It also works best if the item is either obviously good quality (e.g. real diamonds or gold etc) or obviously cheap and cheerful "costume" jewellery (bold shapes or colours). Cheap imitations of quality jewellery don't work quite so well.

1. Well-applied liquid eyeliner and mascara (on the top only). This is the only makeup I ever wear, and I immediately look younger and more stylish.

1. A high pony tail. Agree that, at your age, a more elaborate / structured "mum" cut will look more rather than less frumpy. A high pony is easy and instantly looks younger / more stylish. I have also seen young mums with a high pony and heavy fringe, which looks great (sadly my hair texture does not allow for fringes).

And as other PP have said, if being overweight makes you feel frumpy, then focus on losing the weight. Of course women of all shapes and sizes can (and do) look stylish. But confidence is key - and if your current size is affecting your confidence, then change it. Should you try to change your attitude instead, so that you feel confident no matter how much you weigh? Perhaps - but changing your mindset is probably harder than just losing the weight (it is okay to take the easy option).

moomoomango
lots of positive advice in majority of posts...ignore the negative 'I can't be bothered' ones. You want to make changes so good for you
So what do think? What will you take away from all the suggestions?
Don't forget...you do not need to do it all at once...you're a busy mum.
Would love to hear how you're getting on a few months down the line.

Can I just make the point that there are no gold stars for a) caring what you look like, b) not caring what you look like. As for being frumpy, it's more about whether you feel it than whether you actually look it. And if you do feel that way, the chances are it's getting you down, and buying something nice to wear/putting on a bit of make up will make you feel happier. So enough with the moral judgements, please. Taking an interest in clothes/make up is no different from taking an interest in what kind of car you drive (I don't particularly care about cars but I certainly wouldn't judge anyone who did). I do think mothers ought to be encouraged to spend a bit of time on themselves, one way or another, and clothes/make up can be a way of reclaiming your identity when every other shred of it seems to have been consumed by your kids.

Yummymummycleo, in winter I swear by sweater dresses. If they're neither clingy nor baggy but just skim your figure, that's the most flattering look. Summer's much more difficult for me as I don't like putting my chubby knees on display (opaque tights a must for winter).

I'm surprised at all the recommendations for trainers here. They're not very flattering unless you have slender ankles, so I always feel terrible in them. When my second DC was born I stopped wearing shoes with laces because I simply didn't have time for tying and untying them. I've lived in chunky boots in winter and wedges or plimsolls in summer ever since.

Lots of good advice here I think! As much as people aren't happy with others suggesting you get up a bit earlier and put some makeup on/do your hair etc I agree. It's not the wearing of makeup necessarily, it's just that if I do my makeup and sort my hair I FEEL 100x better and therefore have more confidence and don't feel like a mess.

Also it sounds gross but I've sorted my hair so I only wash it every 3 days. My hair is very thick and dry shampoo is my best friend but it never looks greasy (trust me, I check with DH and I've told him to be brutal if it ever looks slightly greasy). So that means I have a bit more time most mornings as it doesn't always need washing.

I really agree with what others said about finding a style you like and replicating it in various colours. I am 5'3 and I don't like my stomach so petite skinny jeans and a longline top are my go-to. I either wear them with some really nice adidas trainers (a fashion-y pair as opposed to sporty as I am not sporty in the slightest) or some loafers. Otherwise little jersey dresses with a jacket, tights and chunky boots always make me look slimmer I feel.

Makeup wise I learnt so much from youtube! I know not everyone has time to watch youtube videos but my eyeshadow/mascara would never ever stay on and I watched some tutorials and now I've discovered a decent primer and learnt how to set my concealer with powder, everything lasts all day!

Like others have said, it's about making yourself feel more confident and happy. If that means spending 10 mins on a morning putting some makeup on and picking a nice outfit then put 10 mins aside for that.

I live in dresses, black tights and ankle boots. Dresses are from hush, and j crew mainly. I spend about minimum £100 a dress (which when you think about it is like spending £50 on top and £50 on bottoms). It's comfortable with children but looks stylish and smart. A woman actually said to me at soft play a fortnight ago "goodness you look too nicely dressed for soft play!", but he reality was it was my most comfy dress of all.

Nothing wrong with a raincoat! Admittedly mine is Isse Jacobson, but point is, a good fit and colour, you're sorted.

Good hair cut and make up. Good nails.

As for those saying that making an effort for your partner is a throwback to the fifties. I have a question. At the beginning of you relationship, did you make an effort? If you can honestly answer that question, I suspect it will be a yes. So in that case, your current position is more to do with you no longer being bothered to make an effort for your partner as time has passed, rather than any right-on view about the fifties.

I feel sad that you and so many other people on here say that weight equals frumpy! I can't believe it actually! I know lots of very glamours larger ladies and I really don't think anyone on here has the right to tell you you weight makes you look better or worse.

As a new mum myself, I try and do one thing to make me feel better about my looks. I know for my friend it's doing her lipstick everyday she leaves the house, another it's having a manicure once a week, for me it's a Superdrug face mask and some mascara.

Put your bling ear-rings in, put up your hair, have a hour of you time once a week and I'll believe you'll feel more human! I'm a big believer of 'it's not how you look, it's how you feel.' And of you feel great you'll loose the frump naturally!

Mother hood is hard! But you're obviously doing great!