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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think DH is missing so much of the good stuff

437 replies

UnbelievablyChocolatey · 07/01/2017 18:55

Let me start by saying DH is a wonderful man and I love him with all my heart. However, since having DS who is now 10 month old, some of DHs behaviour is really starting to bother me.

One example. Every night we are meant to bath DS together, as DH works all day so it was always meant to be something pleasant for us to do in the evening. But it always ends up being me bathing DS whilst DH is busy tidying up from tea or something like that. Bearing in mind that after bathtime I then give DS his feed and I put him down to bed. So he could always tidy up then.

It's the same on the weekends. If I nip out to do the shopping or something I'll get home and DH will have football on and be tidying up or something along those lines, and DS will be playing. (Our house is already spotless may I add!)

I just feel like he's going to regret missing these early memories. Tidying and all that can wait. Our DS can't. Or am I just being daft?

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 07/01/2017 22:03

Dh should deal with it and bath him to be clear!

Original poster
UnbelievablyChocolatey · 07/01/2017 22:08

Midlife I'm not complaining about him cleaning, I'm complaining about him seeming to prefer doing that over spending time with DS. And I'm not complaining as such. I'm asking if I'm BU to feel a bit bothered that he doesn't seem to be appreciated our young DS as much as I am.

I completely understand what a lot of people have said, he may be intimidated with me being the primary care giver etc so I will definitely bear that in mind, and let him try to bond with DS in his own way.

It was in fact DHs idea originally to do bathtime together, one because it was quicker in the early days and two because he couldn't do the rest of the bedtime routine. For all those wondering how two people bathed him, I would sponge water over DS and DH would play with his toys/keep him occupied

Thankyou for everyone who have offered helpful suggestions. I didn't want to bring up a conversation with DH if I was being completely ridiculous, which is why I started the thread Smile

OP posts:
outabout · 07/01/2017 22:23

Hi
Chill, you started out bathtimes together, great. Now separate, OK, but in future DH will probably take over stuff you may not be as interested in, Trains, cars, football???
Alternate bath nights, good.

poghogger · 07/01/2017 22:27

God this thread has been a depressing read, some of you really need to have better standards when it comes to the people you choose to raise children with.

poghogger · 07/01/2017 22:27

Are we really a shocked that men clean in 2017? Really??

SummerHouse · 07/01/2017 23:00

Could you do the bath and then hand him over add some hot water and get in it. That's what I did. Best part of my day. DP had a little song I would listen to whilst lazing in the bath.... Ahh those were the days.

Pallisers · 07/01/2017 23:16

Honeybee my father in law could also state hand on heart that he never bathed any of his children or changed a nappy. He had 6 children. His wife stayed home. Very upper middle class life. This was back in the 60s/70s.

All their children did very well - educationally etc. But not one of them had any deep respect for their father. They loved him but it wasn't the kind of love that includes admiration. They loved him because he was their father and he loved them. Not one of them wanted to be like him with their own children.

My own father worked and my mother stayed home. When he came home he was hands on. he played on the floor with us, brought us out to the park on Saturdays, gave mum tea in bed and had breakfast with us before school, talked to us, sometimes walked to school with us on the way to work - and yes he bathed and changed our nappies too. When we were older we all adored my dad.

Interestingly as a grandfather my FIL (whom I loved dearly by the way) was the same - hands off with babies. he felt that somehow magically he would forge relationships with his older grandchildren "when they were interesting". He died before any of them reached that age and they have nearly no memories of him. My dad died not long after and my children have lovely memories and photos of playing on the floor with him, coming into bed for stories. Mostly though they just loved him because he made himself available to them so they could know him. he did that because he loved them.

I find babies and children quite boring to be honest. Which is why I don't generally spend time with any except those I love. The ones I love - my own children, my nieces and nephews, I am prepared to put in the hours of tedium and the shit stuff like changing nappies because it is in hours like that that the intimacy of love is created.

I think OP's husband just needs a bit of an adjustment - nothing major maybe - but I agree with her opening post. he is missing the best bits.

HoneyBeeMum1 · 08/01/2017 02:47

I do not understand why you have to bathe a child or change their nappies to form a proper bond. It is total nonsense.

I bathed and changed my babies' nappies because it needed to be done. To suggest the acts had any deeper meaning than that is sentimental clap trap.

We bond as a family by sitting together at meals, playing games, reading books, discussing the news, visiting interesting places, going for long walks, etc.

Making a three-act opera out of boring bodily functions and ablutions is ridiculous. Surely you complete these - albeit important tasks - efficiently and with the minimum of fuss so you can get on with the real fun and family bonding stuff.

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/01/2017 03:25

Do you never go out for an evening? Or get sick? Or need the dentist? Because in all that time surely one child out of five needed a nappy change.

SeasickCrocodile · 08/01/2017 03:46

I can hardly get past the DH who tidies....willingly. Anyway, my experience is that everyone bonds in a different way and that for some men that's later when they start to become a bit more verbal etc. I really wouldn't push it. You'll just end up making him feel bad.

CakesRUs · 08/01/2017 03:54

It might be that the two of you bathing him together isn't necessary. Maybe if he bathed and you tidied? If he wants to that is, he might just prefer it this way and that's ok.

onemorerose · 08/01/2017 04:47

I find it shocking that daddies worth and quality is quantified by the bath time routine. Is that the only input into his children's lives?

BusterGonad · 08/01/2017 05:35

When my son was young my husband worked I was a stay at home mum, I looked after our son and did bath time etc....sometimes my husband would help and sometimes not, sometimes they bathed together. I understood that after a day at work my husband was tired etc and he choose wether to help or not. Now my son is older my husband often takes him out all day, they go of early at the weekend and I don't see them all day. What I mean is all because your husband doesn't appear that interested it doesn't mean he isn't. I think babies are very boring and if I worked all day to afford my family a good life then I think I'd skip the bedtime routine too if I was too tired etc. I know not everyone holds this view but I personally didn't mind my husband being less involved on a work night as he certainly made up for it at the weekends and now he and our son are best of friends.

SamanthaBrique · 08/01/2017 05:47

Bit sad that OP is being told she should be grateful or feel lucky that she has a husband who tidies up. It's 2017 FFS, a man who pulls his weight around the house should be considered the norm and not something women should fall over themselves to feel gratitude for.

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/01/2017 06:26

I get so confused about all these men who are tired from work and can't do anything in the house.

I, and everyone I know, worked before children. And dishes got washed, laundry got done and toilets were scrubbed.

It seems to go Work + Penis + Wife = Too Tired and also a bit fucking useless.

Women and single men can work and do stuff at home but magically married men with children can't. It's amazing.

poghogger · 08/01/2017 06:36

I can hardly get past the DH who tidies....willingly

Agh this is driving me nuts Grin

Justme3 · 08/01/2017 06:36

I haven't RTFT but i don't get your problem to be honest. I would be very grateful he wants to help around the house and doesn't expect you to do everything . Also why should he wait until your son is being put to bed to tidy? Perhaps he wants to get a shower and sit down after a day at work and get the tidying out the way first. I'm hazarding guesses here but i think it's nice that he wants to tidy away dinner so its done for when your son is in bed.
Anyway he won't be watching football and tidying at the weekends soon when your son is walking and causing mayhem in the house so that won't last long.
Honestly unless he thinks he is missing out, in which case as people have said you could offer her does the bath not you (it doesn't take two people at ten months !!!!!!!!!!) you're over thinking this and having strange expectations on your OH. He can bond how he chooses ! If he is happy with his bond and you're happy with your bond let him be , and don't complain you have a partner who wants to help in the house, for goodness sakes !!!

Justme3 · 08/01/2017 06:42

Sorry I've worded that wrongly. I don't mean you should be grateful that he tidies as men should do that - women and men should both tidy around the house and clean etc. But what i mean is you should maybe be grateful if this is all you have to moan about him - that he's tidying up?!!!!! How many threads do you read where men aren't pulling their weight around the house, as they should? I'm sorry but moaning that he is putting dishes away sounds seems a bit crazy. You seem like you have a lovely, equal partnership and i think you're maybe making issues where there aren't.

AprilShowers16 · 08/01/2017 06:46

Do you think perhaps he feels a bit under confident with baby especially something like bath time.

I would just make bath time something he does and you can pop your head in for a bit or do story time together afterwards. I don't think there is anything wrong with wanted to do things all three of you, especially as it's your first - surely that's one of the special things are number 1!

I find it hard sometimes because I'm so in tune with DS and what he needs and DH isnt simply because he's not with him as much as I am. But I feel like I constantly have to tell DH what to do - he's very hands on and willing but I think he just doesn't always realise what needs doing or what to do. For example I'll hand him DS while I'm making dinner and DS will be happy as Larry by himself sat on the floor so DH will leave him like that, but then I find it annoying when we come to eat because then DS will be fussy but I know if DH had spent that time playing with him he would have been happy by himself while we ate - but on the whole I think things like that are just because I understand DSs patterns of behaviour more. I think it's good to encourage one on one time so they get to know each other

BusterGonad · 08/01/2017 06:49

Just to clarify I didn't even mention about the housework, I'm solely talking about baby stuff. I don't think comparing 2 full time workers and 1 full time worker and a stay at home parent is the same thing at all. Totally different.

Atomium · 08/01/2017 06:53

Making making bathtime a family event is a bit strange. Why don't you just ask him to do half the bathtimes while you tidy up?

There's a lot of angst on this thread about what DHs should do, but you say he's a wonderful man so you are overthinking this.

Give it 6 months and they will be off to the playpark and other fun stuff. 10 month olds are rather dull, he's really not missing all the good stuff. My DH is as hand on as it gets with our DDs but they became much closer to him after a year when they stopped being so reliant on me for feeding and they could go off on adventures together.

BusterGonad · 08/01/2017 06:56

I agree atom my son loves going on adventures with his dad, and me, or I get the day to myself. When my son was a baby my husband would pack a bottle of feed in one pocket, a nappy and a pack of wet wipes in the other and off they'd go. In fact he made it look easy, I'd take the kitchen sick with me! 😂

Uiscebeatha85 · 08/01/2017 07:06

I wish my DP tidied more!

Mindtrope · 08/01/2017 07:08

Every night we are meant to bath DS together,

PFB

NotYoda · 08/01/2017 07:19

My husband didn't find either of our babies boring. He was fascinated by them and loved being with them. After a full day at home with them, it got a bit repeteitive for me, but no, he wanted to bond with them

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