To think DH is missing so much of the good stuff

[UnbelievablyChocolatey]

Let me start by saying DH is a wonderful man and I love him with all my heart. However, since having DS who is now 10 month old, some of DHs behaviour is really starting to bother me.

One example. Every night we are meant to bath DS together, as DH works all day so it was always meant to be something pleasant for us to do in the evening. But it always ends up being me bathing DS whilst DH is busy tidying up from tea or something like that. Bearing in mind that after bathtime I then give DS his feed and I put him down to bed. So he could always tidy up then.

It's the same on the weekends. If I nip out to do the shopping or something I'll get home and DH will have football on and be tidying up or something along those lines, and DS will be playing. (Our house is already spotless may I add!)

I just feel like he's going to regret missing these early memories. Tidying and all that can wait. Our DS can't. Or am I just being daft?

You've got a good man there and there's plenty of time for him and your DS to do stuff.

Your son and your husband are going to build their own relationship that will be different to that of your son and you so it seems quite appropriate for your DH to do things differently to you.

I agree with the people saying let DH bath DS on his own. I know with my own DCs I was quite controlling about how things were done in the early days and would keep correcting my DH if he did things completely wrong differently to me which undermined his confidence. Luckily (although it didn't seem that way at the time) we ran into financial difficulties and I had to start working weekends so DH was in sole charge then and I couldn't interfere. He didn't always do things my way, my carefully planned meals were ignored in favour of trips to a local cafe or a picnic at the park with more E numbers than they had had in the previous week, some of the hairstyles he created for them were bizarre, they often looked like they had been dressed by a clown but they were always cleanish and safe and it really enhanced their relationship not having me bobbing about trying to make everything perfect.

You and DH sound like you are both doing your best so I am sure this will come right with some give and take.

Do men really imagine that women live in this magical glittery world where everything little thing they do is saturated with fulfilment and interest and satisfaction.

Or is it more that it doesn't matter if a woman is bored?

My DH gets home for bathtime, but we have 9 month old twins, so it's definitely a 2 person job! However, he "leads" bedtime, I just help out, then BF the girls to sleep.
Whilst I'm feeding, DH goes downstairs and does a bit of tidying/puts the oven on etc until I'm finished.

If he didn't do bathtime/bedtime he'd see them for less than an hour a day!
Plus I definitely need a break/to be in the background for a bit after being on my own all day with them!!

Your DH sounds great - working all day then rushing in to clean nd make the tea? Not really getting your problem! If it bothers you then why not ask him to bathe DS whilst you do tea? Does it really have to be together?

We never did bath together, one always did bath the other tidied up, made dinner etc. Usually DH did bath though.

He is just not bothered op. If it's important to you that he does it then make sure you are doing something else or go out so that it falls to him to do it. You cant make him want to though.

Unfortunately what you may think is important may not be deemed important for another person. As long as you don't miss the moments you feel are important then what really is the problem, assuming from your previous posts that he is pulling his weight and plays and interacts with his child regularly.

Let's just try these for size:

Your wife might find the baby really boring: why don't you wait a few years and see if she finds her own way?

You have a really good woman there, rushing home from work and making tea- I don't see what you're complaining of, just because she doesn't do things with your child.

Each parent has their own unique strength and interest and your wife's might not include physical care of the child.

You have a wife who cleans?

She might simply not feel confident with the baby. (yeah, because every woman who ever gave birth had a complete certificate in baby care and years of experience by the time her labour pangs started)

My DC are two and four, and DH is still like this. He moans that when he gets home from work they are whiny and grumpy, which to be fair they are, so does everything he can to avoid interacting with them. He's out in the morning before they're up. He then moans that they are always moody, always whining etc. They're not, he just isn't here for the good bits. I recently had tonsillitis and he had no choice but to take over for a few days. He apologised for his attitude afterwards and told me that they are actually very good company, but he couldn't see it before and that he was a bit nervous of looking after them on his own, but felt much better for doing so. Maybe your DH needs to spend some time alone with your DS to really bond with him and appreciate him for the amazing little person that he is.

I am bemused by this thread and some of the comments, the whole idea that the baby has to be more interesting for him to become involved, really?

Op should be grateful because her husband cleans a cup and puts a few toys away, really????

Bollocks to that, he should do bath time from now on, you do what you choose to do op.

PP are misunderstanding the OP.

There is no suggestion that the household is not run equally - he is doing chores (tidying up) while she does chores (bathing baby).

OP is annoyed he doesn't want to Bath the baby WITH THE OP (not instead of). She does by her own admission find It interesting. She expects her husband to find it interesting and express that through bathing his son.

I think the husband can express his interest in his son however he likes - not just in OPs terms.

, it's very boring spending all day with DS sometimes!
Yes no doubt, but that's life, would you rather he be out of work under your feet all day.He will have gripes too, He might be doing a hard job. Give him a break, you've got a good un. Many men wouldn't dream of doing what yours does after a day at work. My dh would just slump in front of the TV all night, but i didn't really object, he was knackered. I was too, but the difference was i could have a little snooze in the afternoon with baby.

Fair enough, manandbeast, if the dh was happy to do an equal amount of chores that involve the child, rather than just cherry pick the chores which entail less responsibility/interaction.

Yeah, to be honest, I can't remember much really good stuff that happened until our kids were about 2. After a while you stop counting "First XXXX" because there's sooo many. First words and first steps are all that's important, really. They don't develop much of a personality until they're at least 2, in my experience.

Wait, your biggest issue is that he tidies?!?
You think you know...
Ok he's an asshole, definitely ltb.

Could I have him

My grandfather was able to deal with his own children without needing half the sympathy expended by MNers on this OP's dh. He was born in the 1880s.

My FIL also seemed able to cope. He was born in 1909.

And fwiw this forum is full of working mothers. Where are the posts telling the world that they must be knackered after a day at work and can't possibly be expected to interact with their own children??? Or don't working women do...like, real work?

Weird thread. Personally I would expect the WOTH parent to want to spend some time, any time, with their DC, baby or not.

but he doesn't need to tidy, at all, the house is tidy. He's avoiding spending time with the baby.

Can't believe all these comments 'what if he finds it boring?' , 'let him find his way' , 'you're lucky he cleans'. There is lots that is boring about parenting, especially once you can't watch Netflix and breastfeed for hours, deal with it and bath him. YABU for expecting to bath bub together though! I'd make your dh spend more one on one time with bub. It's how they get to know their child.

Come to think if it, I am a working woman. So that presumably means I have the right to slump all evening in front of the television and still be feted as a good 'un. I rather like the sound of this .

In the meantime, the cleaning, cooking and interacting with the offspring will be done by...oh sod it, dh has a job, too!

I think I see the way forward. Dh and I slump in front of the television, while...oh no, dd also has a job.

This one's never going to work, is it?

Hang on, no one said he made tea haha! I make tea when I come down from feeding and putting DS to bed.

I don't mind at all if he baths DS on his own. It doesn't have to be together. It just bothered me how I'd been left to do it myself when it used to be both of us.

I don't have a problem with him tidying. I have a problem with him finding that more stimulating than spending half an hour playing with DS in the bath after being at work all day

Exactly dame that's what it feels like

I think people aren't reading.

Bathing an only baby is not a 2 man job. It doesn't need 2 people to do it every night.

I'll say again, 2 people are not needed to bath one kid. hes not doing anything that appalling. It's bugger all to do with workload. It sounds as if he would be happy to do bath time so the OP can have a break. The OP has romanticised it a bit as something pleasant to do together each night.

I work part time, DP works full time. DP has DS2, 16 months while I'm at work, I have him while DP is at work. When we're both at home one of us is normally cooking, cleaning or doing household jobs while the other entertains DS2. We spend more time together if we go somewhere. We were the same with DS1, 13. We did do more together as he got older but he was do demanding as a baby I was happy to so some cleaning and send DP off to do the bath.