To think DH is missing so much of the good stuff

[UnbelievablyChocolatey]

Let me start by saying DH is a wonderful man and I love him with all my heart. However, since having DS who is now 10 month old, some of DHs behaviour is really starting to bother me.

One example. Every night we are meant to bath DS together, as DH works all day so it was always meant to be something pleasant for us to do in the evening. But it always ends up being me bathing DS whilst DH is busy tidying up from tea or something like that. Bearing in mind that after bathtime I then give DS his feed and I put him down to bed. So he could always tidy up then.

It's the same on the weekends. If I nip out to do the shopping or something I'll get home and DH will have football on and be tidying up or something along those lines, and DS will be playing. (Our house is already spotless may I add!)

I just feel like he's going to regret missing these early memories. Tidying and all that can wait. Our DS can't. Or am I just being daft?

repetitive

Some of you are just rude with your name-calling

Ok the OP has agreed that bathing the baby together isn't essential.

So OP I think you need to stop over romanticising the bath and view it as another task that needs to be done, and do you want him to do it or do YOU want to do it? If you want him to do it you can't force him to enjoy it. I know what you mean to a certain extent cos when I was on mat leave I would get a bit miffed at my dh going on his phone while bathing our dd instead of interacting with her but, meh, sometimes I do that now too! When you're tired it's not always easy to be massively fun all the time.

I wouldn't really press the issue as it'll make it into a bigger deal than it needs to be and he'll find other ways of enjoying your DS for sure.

There are some strange posts on this thread!

You have to change nappies to not only form a proper bond with your children, but for them to have any respect for you? A parent is guilty of neglect by tidying the kitchen instead of bathing a baby?

Don't get me wrong, I do understand that what OP wants is for her DH to be more hands on with their child. I understand that. Give it a year and I bet he will be. I think when you are a SAHP the bond can become very intense. I noticed this with my daughter: she was like an extension of me for ages. Everywhere I was, she was. I almost missed her if she was in a different room to me in the house! But just because that bond is different, with their other parent, doesn't make it any less stronger - honestly. It's similar to how it changes as they get older, your bond with your 10 month old will look different to how it does with your 10 yo but it's still the same, if that makes sense.

You can't look at a marriage with two people contributing equally - and I've seen nothing to suggest otherwise but do please correct me if I'm wrong OP - and start being critical of the types of contribution because otherwise you're straying down a rocky path. You could just as easily claim OP is neglecting her child by not working, because without her DH they wouldn't be able to pay a mortgage or buy food or clothes, but we don't accuse her of neglect because that is not the case and someone IS paying the mortgage and grocery bills. It's just that someone isn't her.

Ultimately, many children thrive under whatever settings for the simple reason that it is two jobs: caring and providing. Some single parents work their arses off to do both - and manage it, and are very very good at it. Some people share both. Some people have one person doing the lions share of the providing and the other doing the caring, it doesn't matter. If the children are loved and have their basic needs met, they really don't give a shit (deliberate pun) WHO changes their nappy. My daughter goes to nursery three days a week where I pay someone to do that for me.

It is fine to say 'yes OP, I think your husband should be doing more with his son.' But accusing him of neglect and claiming that when the son is older he will have no respect for his father, is so utterly ludicrous as to verge onto barmy.

Agree with cory too

Just because a man might not find a 10 month old fascinating, doesn't mean they get to opt out of caring for them

My DH knows his teenage sons now, because he knew them then. And they trust and respect him because they knew him then. And I am not a beaten-down knackered woman because we share child-rearing

BTW

OP said the bathtime was one example.

Oh as for the pp's dh who has never changed a nappy..my god, did he never look after them on his own before they were 3?? Never??

My OH never changed a nappy either. He never had the kids on his own before they were 2.

Cherry has hit the nail on the head for me, or put the cherry on the cake! I couldn't resist a crap joke there!

"
It seems to go Work + Penis + Wife = Too Tired"
So true :o

Exactly cherry.

I just can't get my head round the idea that changing nappies= mum's job, if he never had them on his own then have you never been busy doing something while your dh watched them? Had a nice long bath for instance? What did he do if they did a shit? Call you in? "Darling dd has done a shit!". Jesus it would drive me crackers.

My dh spent the first 2 weeks of Dd's life doing most of the nappies, I fed her with my boobs and he changed her! Teamwork!

phhogger- all families are different.

My OH had one day off when my kids were born- that was the day of the actual birth.

He works away a lot and long hours. even when at home rarely back before 8pm, so kids were in bed when he got back.
Also I was breastfeeding and didn't express, so as babies couldn't be left with him for long periods.
As a SAHM my babies preferred my company.
As they grew they formed a very close bond with their father, but it developed when they were 3 or 4 years old.

Never changing a nappy as a dad is such old school rubbish. But apparently some women won't allow a husband to do it. It's weird. I heard of a friend of a friend who wouldn't allow the dad to take their toddler out on his own! My brothers girlfriend won't allow him to drive their son in the car for a 2 hour journey! Wtf!!!

It seems to go Work + Penis + Wife = Too Tired" So true

Agreed it's ridiculous.

In this case though the OP's DH comes back from work tired. He eats dinner gratefully that the OP has cooked. Then as he sees it there are two practical tasks before he can veg in front of the telly - putting DS to bed (which op has taken lead on and he's largely an observer), and tidying up downstairs. So he tidies downstairs so he and the op can veg earlier. Seems perfectly sensible on a unemotional, tired after work level. So just swap that one task, simples.

Just one thing though in relation to penis-owner bashing. There are quite a lot of women who are quite control freaky and critical of DH's approach to looking after DC. Y'know them not brushing hair properly before school, forgetting stuff etc. I'm not saying the OP does this, but some women do.

I have an "old school" OH!!

It was always easier and quicker for me to put kids down to bed.

I prefer doing that to tidying the kitchen and taking out the rubbish.

OP I don't think this needs a big long conversation. Just say 'Let's do alternate bath nights from now on and the other one can get dinner started.' If it then seems that he's trying to duck out of 'his' bath nights and make excuses about why he can't do it that particular night then you might have to have a conversation about why that is but I don't think there's any need to make a big deal of it now.

Basic but then plenty of husbands could say "it seems to go baby + vagina + husband = too busy".

Be honest, plenty of women work full time but PLENTY either don't work at all or work part time. This is why I'm saying its a rocky road to go down because once you start throwing poisoned arrows accusing one party of not doing their bit you start to get them back.

Much, much better, rather than insist everything is exactly equal, is to concede in a partnership people bring different things to the table.

If you're happy with that mind then it's no ones business but if you're not then it's a bit shitty really.

Basic, really sorry. I didn't read your post properly

It seems that 'woman + toddler + cat + Sunday = inability to read!

You do bath, DH does story, you do feed tuck in.

cherry you speak wise words.

OH and I put in equal effort, we both do different things, some may view our way of working as "old school" but it works for us.

Between us we have a lovely home, cared for and loved children and the bills paid.
He has never used the washing machine and I have had the luxury of being a SAHM.

Works for us.

Seems perfectly sensible on a unemotional, tired after work level. So just swap that one task, simples.

But the OP's said that it's not just this one task - she used it as an example of the bigger picture. It sounds like they've fallen into a dynamic where parenting is her job by default and he'll only take the baby out for walk/do baths/play with etc when she suggests it. It's worth them having a serious conversation about that before the baby gets any older, because it's not a great pattern for any of them.

And I say this as someone who also gets tired after work. Who doesn't?

And leave DS with DH more, don't just 'nip out' - sounds like dH isn't too sure what he is supposed to do with a 10 month old as he hasn't had time on his own to find out.

cherry there is a ridiculous assumption by many that men who work bless them are 'tired' when they come home. Working isn't necessarily more tiring than anything else. Of course there are other weird assumptions. That women with children will have difficulty coping with working ft being one, where that would never be levelled at men....!

If someone is happy to be a 1950s-style housewife who does everything and DH is happy with that and to work and have his slippers brought to him there is no issue, but that isn't what this thread is about.