To think DH is missing so much of the good stuff

[UnbelievablyChocolatey]

Let me start by saying DH is a wonderful man and I love him with all my heart. However, since having DS who is now 10 month old, some of DHs behaviour is really starting to bother me.

One example. Every night we are meant to bath DS together, as DH works all day so it was always meant to be something pleasant for us to do in the evening. But it always ends up being me bathing DS whilst DH is busy tidying up from tea or something like that. Bearing in mind that after bathtime I then give DS his feed and I put him down to bed. So he could always tidy up then.

It's the same on the weekends. If I nip out to do the shopping or something I'll get home and DH will have football on and be tidying up or something along those lines, and DS will be playing. (Our house is already spotless may I add!)

I just feel like he's going to regret missing these early memories. Tidying and all that can wait. Our DS can't. Or am I just being daft?

I found baby DS very boring tbh. I didn't know I had an option to opt out and watch telly instead. But wait, is that option only for the parent with the penis?

Gamer it's not that at all. I wanted him to spend some actual time with DS after coming home from work. And like I said, it's the same at weekends. Everyone seems to be focussing on bathtime and that is just one example. I don't have some silly idea of us all having a lovely family bathtime. It was just always something he could be involved in, as I spend all day with DS, he's BF etc

Maybe he doesn't like bathing him? I don't much like bathtime as water gets splashed everywhere and it's hot and steamy in there. Chasing a toddler round trying to dry him and grappling him into PJs isn't my idea of fun. Maybe your DH would prefer a quieter activity like reading him a story? Or maybe he just needs to do something mindless straight after work, so he can unwind?

I think it's nice he helps as soon as he gets in. But why can't he choose how he helps rather than be told what to do?

I find cleaning/tidying quite relaxing after work. It helps me switch out of 'work mode'.

Right so turn over bath time to him and you have a break. You need a break when spending all day with littlies, anybody does.

My husband and I have five children. He has never bathed any of them, or changed a nappy and neither would I expect him to. He works extremely hard to provide us with a comfortable lifestyle. He does not have to prove his love by 'helping' me to bathe them. That is my role within our family. He provides for us.

Before I had my first child I was a junior solicitor with a legal firm in London. Nevertheless, while pregnant with my first child I decided I wanted to devote my time to my baby and our future children. This was what I wanted and my husband was fully supportive.

He loves us all with all his heart and everything he does is with our happiness and wellbeing in mind. I have never felt the slightest inclination to test his affection or willingness to 'bond' with his children by setting arbitrary rules he must follow to 'prove' his love.

OP's husband sounds fair and reasonable to me. I am sure there are far worse fathers and husbands around.

Maybe full-time motherhood is not for you OP. Many parents work and bring up children at the same time and if this is suits your family it could be the right way forward. If you and your husband are sharing the burden of providing financially it would be reasonable to expect him to pull his weight with the hands-on childcare as well.

Yorkies why couldn't you watch a bit of TV, does having a baby stop you?

Honeybee i totally agree but if your dh worked 20 hours a day in MN world he should spend the other 4 hours cleaning and tidying the house.

Oh please honeybeemum that might work for you but most people wouldn't be happy living like that.

It is very important for both parents to do some childcare for all sorts of reasons. One of which is babies and children massively pick up on these things.

It's wrong on so many levels that your husband has never changed a nappy.

Hand the baby over and let your dh take control. He needs to find his own way with his son. I remember sitting in a darkened room rocking dd to sleep becoming increasingly ragey because I could hear dh playing on his stupid computer game whilst, yet again, I did the bedtime routine. I went and ranted to my mum. My mum pointed out that I'd never let him do it. Not once, incase he did it 'wrong'. I moaned about him putting the 'wrong' clothes on her, feeding her too slowly or quickly, not so singing the song she liked etc. I was massively pfb and dh just did as he was told. I'm not saying you are being like I was, but handing the baby over and letting him figure it out is really important.

Just because there are worst fathers doesn't mean that a woman must be satisfied with the scraps she is thrown.

It's so strange because dh works full time yet he still wants to spend time with the dc doing normal bits and bobs of parenting.

I hate doing things 'together' that are a one person job, there's always something else that could be being done. I find it highly irritating & the concept of two adults in a bathroom bathing one 10 month old baby just winds me up thinking about it. I quite like bathing babies, especially that age, but I don't want to be standing there like a lemon while someone else does it and he probably feels you are hovering over him, that's a horrible feeling, so instead of doing what he'd prefer (bathing the baby) he just potters about.

Your language is a bit odd 'we are supposed to bath the baby together', 'I don't mind if he baths the baby on his own' etc. It's an unusual way of phrasing things.

My husband and I have five children. He has never bathed any of them, or changed a nappy

How very sad.

If it's true.

Sorry if I've missed it but have you actually told your DH how you feel? As I said DP has DS2 every day while I'm at work and is perfectly fine but if I'm at home he does let me take the lead. I just tell him, do something with DS2!

Try to quit the telling/asking dynamic as early on in this as you can (not saying you have this, it just sounds possible and made me remember how easy it is to fall into in the early years) - it can disempower the non primary carer and also encourage them to rest on their laurels. Work out how you share responsibilities, communicate about routine, but try not to control or comment on how he does things with the baby.

It certainly seems you are right dawnmist.

Zarachristmas - if my family was broken and dysfunctional I might read you post and think,

'So that's where we went wrong!',

...but the fact is we are a happy and strong family unit. My oldest child is studying Classics at a top English university and my daughters are bright and well-adjusted.

My own upbringing was a traditional one. My father was the sole breadwinner and my mother did no paid work outside the home after she married my father. My father never bathed me, nor - I understand - did he change a nappy.

I adored both of my parents, but I was particularly close to my father. He believed strongly that a parent should create the best foundations for a child fulfil their full potential and live the life they wanted. I am grateful to him for having succeeded. I cannot imagine in what possible way my life would be better or more satisfying if my father had bathed me or changed a nappy. It is complete nonsense!

Unfortunately my parents died a few years ago. I think of them and have such happy memories and feel such gratitude for the start in life they gave to me...

I think when first babies are EBF, Dads can lack confidence because inevitably the Mother is the Primary carer. Especially the Dad is at work during the day. DH may see you as sumpremely competent and feel like a spare part if you both do bath time.

In our case DH came into his own when I returned to work. We were shift workers, so worked around each other. DH did things very differently to me on his days. He did it his way - which was fine.

Has your DH had much opportunity to be on his own with his DS?

People's expectations of their husbands seem to be depressingly low.
We have a 5mo, my husband gets in from work at 4.30pm and takes ds into the kitchen on the bouncer so he can chat to him while he prepares the dinner, I tidy up the living room etc. He then does his nappy off time, bath and pjs then passes him to me to feed & put down.

I'd be very sad if my husband thought it was too boring etc. He has on occasion popped home at lunchtime to see him.
I agree it doesn't take two to bath a baby so would ask your husband to do it himself but he really should want to spend time with his dc after work surely.

What? You are complaining about your dh pulling his weight and cleaning up? Send him over to my house he would be welcome to clean all he wants!

Honestly it is so irritating when ops come on with a small problem with perfectly normal dh and gets bombarded by the "my husband sits on his arse all day" brigade. You chose to marry and/or have children with these lazy fuckers, it's not the ops fault her husband cleans and yours doesn't. You should've picked better men.

Anyway I don't think you're being unreasonable op. I think sometimes it's hard for anyone to get the most out of a short evening you're heads still buzzing with work stuff, you're tired. You can end up looking at your phone or whatever and not thinking about bonding. Doing alternate baths is good and maybe your dh feeds him his supper or something. I sometimes say to dp "pay attention to the baby!" But that doesn't always go down well.

Honeybeemum everyone's different and if that's what worked for you then who am I to say otherwise?

But I strongly believe that the vast majority of people wouldn't be happy with such a set up.

Besides which how would that work on a practical level? Unless the father is never left alone with his children until they are old enough to care for themselves. Have you never so much as gone out for milk without your children? In which time one of them may fill their nappy. Let alone you going to get your hair cut, have a bath in peace or an evening out.

I also suggest the dh should do the bathing while the op does what dh was doing. Then op can pop in and watch the bathing if she has time.

In my mind OP, your language is the key here as another poster has mentioned. Bathtime is "something he could be involved in" was another phrase I don't think she mentioned. The complaint about the weekends (which sound fine to me, I watched loads of tv while baby played.lol) also makes me wonder if you are 'controlling' the interactions. Not consciously and not in an intentionally negative way.
How are these bathtimes run? Is your DH an observer? Or are you the observer? Having someone observe me would really, really make me uncomfortable. Sitting there just to bask in the glory of the wonders of bathtime would also do my head in. It's a one person job and I suspect your idea of 'bathtime' just isn't the reality.
You must communicate. Ask him WHY he no longer participates in the bathtime routine? Would he be, or could he be honest with you if it is an answer you may not like?
Or just ask him to do the bathtime and you do something else. What you may see as doing bathtime 'together' may feel like hovering or judging or not trusting him to do it. Just let him get on with it.

A few points.

I do think some mums can be a bit 'control freak' when they're the main carer. If we want our husbands to parent we've got to let them do it their way. I've complained to dh about what he's dressed the baby in or some other trivial thing and it's undermining so I've stopped.

Against the grain but doing mundane jobs together can make it less boring. We kept ours in their baby baths as long as possible and some nights we plonk ds in the bath in our room while we watch have a cup of tea (watching him of course), we'll pass eachother bit and pieces and it just makes it less dull.

but he really should want to spend time with his dc after work surely

Who says he doesn't? Most likely what he doesn't want is two people bathing one baby, or, more likely, him being told to pass this,do that, 'ooh look at DS splashing', watch DS blah blah...maybe he just wants to be left in peace to bath his DS but doesn't want to upset the OP by telling her that, or risk being told 'No, we are supposed to do this together' - undertone, 'you aren't competent'.

thethingsweadmitonmn I agree two people doing bath time is mad, ops dh should say to op that he'd rather do it alone if that's the case. My husband asked me if he could sleep on the side of the bed the baby's bednest was on instead of me as 'You get to spend all day with him so I'd like to be next to him at night', that night we swapped sides of the bed.
Op and her dh really need to communicate with each other about this but I think if he really wanted to do it himself then he would say so surely?