Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH is missing so much of the good stuff

437 replies

UnbelievablyChocolatey · 07/01/2017 18:55

Let me start by saying DH is a wonderful man and I love him with all my heart. However, since having DS who is now 10 month old, some of DHs behaviour is really starting to bother me.

One example. Every night we are meant to bath DS together, as DH works all day so it was always meant to be something pleasant for us to do in the evening. But it always ends up being me bathing DS whilst DH is busy tidying up from tea or something like that. Bearing in mind that after bathtime I then give DS his feed and I put him down to bed. So he could always tidy up then.

It's the same on the weekends. If I nip out to do the shopping or something I'll get home and DH will have football on and be tidying up or something along those lines, and DS will be playing. (Our house is already spotless may I add!)

I just feel like he's going to regret missing these early memories. Tidying and all that can wait. Our DS can't. Or am I just being daft?

OP posts:
Zarachristmas · 09/01/2017 10:17

Mindtrope it's not a story book life. Fathers who are home can bath their babies and put them to bed to catch that bit of time with the child. It's a reality for many.

If they can't be home they can't do it, but there will be other times such as weekends and holidays.

Saying it's boring or any other excuses don't cut it.

If a family is happy with their set up that's fine, but it's also fine for op and others to want the fathers more involved. It certainly doesn't make the father 'hen pecked'.

corythatwas · 09/01/2017 10:19

So, Madinche, what do you think those mothers should have done who didn't feel this emotional/psychological suitability to change nappies? Just left their babies to be sore?

And what happens if mum is ill? I had pleurisy when dc were little. I'm sure it was upsetting for them in some ways, but at least it didn't make much of a change to their routine, because their dad knew as much as I did about their general care.

Zarachristmas · 09/01/2017 10:20

Mindtrope if you and your husband have reached an understanding that suits your lifestyle and families needs them of course, no one should tell you you're wrong.

Surely though you can understand other people not being happy with that set up?

If there is no good reason the father can be involved.

corythatwas · 09/01/2017 10:22

Mindtrope, I understand that yours is a special situation because of your dh's SN. But it's not really something to generalise from- it could equally well be the mother who had SN or who had never lived in a family. In which case, presumably you think all caring tasks should be done by the father?

RumbleMum · 09/01/2017 10:24

*rumble- but that's a story book life.

If you have a partner who works away or is never home before 8pm I don't see how they can do an equal share in the evenings.*

No, of course not. My own DH only gets home for bathtime about once a week these days during the week. If we're lucky he might make storytime one other night. This week he's away with work so not here at all. But my point is that whenever he is home it's a joint responsibility to care for the children and get the boring practicalities done. It's not just my job 24/7.

RumbleMum · 09/01/2017 10:24

Quote fail, sorry ...

Mindtrope · 09/01/2017 10:33

cory I am not generalising.

I am responding to criticism that I am anti feminist, living in the 50s, that my OH is an inept parent, that I should "divorce " him.

People are free to run their own family dynamics as they see fit. I'm not sure why I seem to be the butt of hostility because I run mine the way I do.

Madinche1sea · 09/01/2017 10:34

Cory - I don't disagree with you actually. In my case I grew up in a huge extended family in rural Spain and was looking after little cousins and babies as long as I can remember really. I also trained as a child psych pre DC. DH, in the other hand, was in boarding school from the age of 7 and rarely saw his parents after that. So we have sort of compensated for each other, I suppose, but you can only do your best. I'm lucky I never got PN depression and he's lucky he never had a breakdown or something.

Original poster
UnbelievablyChocolatey · 09/01/2017 10:55

I'm far from controlling user

Did I at any point say I insisted on it or that it was my idea?!

OP posts:
poghogger · 09/01/2017 10:56

People are free to run their own family dynamics as they see fit. I'm not sure why I seem to be the butt of hostility because I run mine the way I do

This discussion arose because people responded to the OP claiming she should just be grateful that her dh was cleaning the kitchen.

You are happy with your set up, that's fine, but many women wouldn't be and they would not be wrong to expect their partners to do more. Posters like Honeybee who seem to think any form of early child rearing is for women only- these views are damaging and should be challenged.

But you are happy and that's fine, the OP is not, and that's fine too and suggestions OP have made to remedy things are helpful, those suggesting she should "suck it up" are not imo.

user1480946351 · 09/01/2017 10:57

You said he is meant to do this and meant to do that, but he doesn't want to. And you want him to anyway, because you think he needs particular memories.
That is controlling.

Get him to do the bath and you go do something else. Like unclench.

Original poster
UnbelievablyChocolatey · 09/01/2017 11:03

Yes MEANT to do it as it was his idea when DS was born so he could spend some time with us both doing something together. As he is at work all day so misses doing other things. I put the baby to bed as he is BF. So bathtime was one job he could be included in. I don't give a flying monkeys who baths DS

OP posts:
Zarachristmas · 09/01/2017 11:17

I'd love to see the reverse of this.

Man: I'm at home with our baby all day while my wife works, she originally said we'd bath the baby so she could spend some time with him, instead she avoids it and tidied up even though the place is pretty spotless. At the weekend I wanted to go food shopping but wife wouldn't look after the baby while I went instead opting to go for a run.
*
Replies:* Wow, your wife tidies? you should so be grateful.
She probably finds the baby boring, she'll probably prefer him when he's older.
Suck it up man you're being pfb.
I've had 5 children and my wife never changed a single nappy, I didn't expect her too, it's my job.
Stop hen pecking your wife, she's not a ninny in a pinny.
Stop controlling your wife and unclench, she just doesn't want to bath the baby.

Yeah right.

user1480946351 · 09/01/2017 11:32

Yes MEANT to do it as it was his idea when DS was born so he could spend some time with us both doing something together

That was 10 months ago, OP. Almost a year of the reality of a small baby. Move on, stop clinging to nice ideas you had before.

He does need to be involved and do some of the drudge. But he doesn't have to suit your idea of precious moments and perfect memories.

poghogger · 09/01/2017 11:40

User have you read any of the Op's updates?

53rdAndBird · 09/01/2017 11:42

Her DP spending time with his own child without her having to poke and prompt him to do so is a 'nice idea' the OP needs to 'move on' from? Seriously?

She's said several times now that it's not just about the bath, that she was using that as one example. She's given others since.

timeisnotaline · 09/01/2017 11:46

mindtrope I did not at all say you should divorce your husband. You sound very happy with your arrangements. I said can you not see that for many of us this would be unacceptable? If my husband took the role yours has on parenting our marriage would be over, and I know I'm not the only one here who thinks this.

user1480946351 · 09/01/2017 11:52

Yes, hence my post Hmm

Sharing the baby care, yes. One parent ordering the other to make precious memories, no.
Focus on what matters. Not sure how clearer that point could be?

Mindtrope · 09/01/2017 11:56

timeisnotaline that's good for you.

This situation is great for me, it gives me huge freedoms in life.

BusterGonad · 09/01/2017 11:58

Crikey, this thread is raging on and on!!!!

RumbleMum · 09/01/2017 12:00

Where has the OP said she's ordered her DH to do anything? She said:

I just feel like he's going to regret missing these early memories.

OP has made it clear she hasn't asked him to do anything - the joint bathtime was his idea, and she's quite happy for him to do it alone, but is saddened her DH doesn't choose to spend time with their growing DS when they haven't seen each other all day. Doesn't seem terribly controlling to me!

RumbleMum · 09/01/2017 12:00

That was in reply to user btw.

Original poster
UnbelievablyChocolatey · 09/01/2017 12:23

I haven't ordered anything user

I simply feel that having a young baby is something to be cherished and enjoy while you can. DS is much more 'fun' now than when he was newborn, so for me now is the time to focus on enjoying our child

Isn't that what people have children for?

OP posts:
OhhBetty · 09/01/2017 12:59

I'm a single working parent so used to doing it all on my own. When ds is at his dad's I can't see who does what etc so don't worry about it. Much easier Wink

user1480946351 · 09/01/2017 13:35

I simply feel that having a young baby is something to be cherished and enjoy while you can. DS is much more 'fun' now than when he was newborn, so for me now is the time to focus on enjoying our child

And your feelings are perfectly valid for YOU. What you are trying to do is make him feel the same as you. Maybe he's not enjoying it much? His feelings are valid too.
Like I said, sharing the care is one thing. Sharing the feelings is fine if it happens, but you are trying to control his.

(I'm sure you'll deny it yet again but each reply just confirms it)

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread