To think DH is missing so much of the good stuff

[UnbelievablyChocolatey]

Let me start by saying DH is a wonderful man and I love him with all my heart. However, since having DS who is now 10 month old, some of DHs behaviour is really starting to bother me.

One example. Every night we are meant to bath DS together, as DH works all day so it was always meant to be something pleasant for us to do in the evening. But it always ends up being me bathing DS whilst DH is busy tidying up from tea or something like that. Bearing in mind that after bathtime I then give DS his feed and I put him down to bed. So he could always tidy up then.

It's the same on the weekends. If I nip out to do the shopping or something I'll get home and DH will have football on and be tidying up or something along those lines, and DS will be playing. (Our house is already spotless may I add!)

I just feel like he's going to regret missing these early memories. Tidying and all that can wait. Our DS can't. Or am I just being daft?

But you can't leave them with your husband because he can't perform basic care tasks.

So what do you do? Take them all with you? Risk leaving a small child in a dirty nappy for hours at a time? Never cut your hair?

You are deliberately avoiding direct questions.

Someone asked quite genuinely what you would do if you wanted to get a haircut, go to the shops or meet friends.

You said you'd pay for childcare or take them with you. It's not unreasonable to expect that you may not take your children to every hair appointment.

If you'd said you leave them home with their father it might seem strange that he's avoided ever changing a nappy.

Laurie - not a problem. All my hair fell out 20 years ago. I have been bald as a coot as a coot ever since. Very liberating.

ZaraC just called me baldy. I am really offended.

Think a lot of PPs are being a bit po-faced to be honest.

The digs about DS being your first are suggesting that you're being a bit precious. I'm a first timer too and loving every second of it so I'd be really sorry if I felt DH was missing out. However, it really is his choice.

Bath time is very special to us too. We take turns to be in the bath with the baby so it does indeed take two of us.

PPs being churlish - I'm sure OP doesn't NEED her husband to do all this stuff with her, she just thinks he might be missing some of the magic. There's no need to be unkind.

Ok, I see there's no point in engaging Honey as you're just skirting any questions you don't like.

Honeybee, your husband sounds useless. He has really never provided any basic personal care for any of his 5 children? That is really shocking and pathetic of him.

*I had a nanny and housekeeper to help me until I felt able to cope again.

Honey, I think you make some good points that dividing responsibilities doesn't have to be 50:50. Where I was confused was the thought that you could be having a lovely relaxing bath and your husband would get you out or let a child sit with a full nappy until you were free to attend to them.

Having staff explains the situation (sorry to hear about the depression though). But very few people have a sole wage earner produce enough to maintain a staff to help with domestic duties.

So with that in mind it would be a bit inept for any parent to never have changed a nappy. And even with a staff it still seems slightly learned helplessness for me.

I think you've made most of your points well though "ninny in a pinny" was unwise and uncalled for.

Honeybee - what on earth are the refs to hairy baboons, bonfires and people calling you baldy about? Is it your unsubtle way of signalling that everything you've said on this thread is not to be taken entirely at face value?

Laurie - I answered your questions until they got silly.

Honeybee you can replace haircut with dental appointment, smear test, meeting a friend, going shopping, buying bras and pants, heck you might have even needed to spend a while on the toilet.

If you have staff then all well and good.

Still most people don't, the op probably doesn't. In which case most dads need to be reasonably competent bathing and changing their children.

Iamnot - a private joke between ZaraC, Laurie and me. We like to make things up and pretend one of us really said it. Just a bit of fun really.

Rhiwrites - my husband is not inept. He is a highly intelligent and able person. He has never refused to change nappies or bathe his children. He doesn't need to. I do it. I realise some people on this forum are sceptical, but I really am content caring for my children. I do not need or want a break from them. The oldest is eight years older than the second child, so caring for them really hasn't been that difficult apart from when I was suffering from depression.

I am not really bald either. It amused me for a while to say I was while under cross examination by ZaraC and Laurie.

If OP posted

" dh and I are having problems, i work long hours to give me husband and child a nice lifestyle, but dh thinks I should do some of the practical things with my baby, one example is dh wants me to bath the baby every evening but I'm knackered and would rather he did it alone while I did a bit of tidying as its easier and I find the baby boring so I'll usually potter about in the kitchen until he has bathed my baby and put him to bed.
Dh Was pissed of the other day because he wanted to go to Tesco and he finds it difficult to manage, I told him no as I was going for a run instead and that I'll iron my three shirts for him instead, it's my day off and I think my suggestion of helping him with the bit of ironing she hadn't finished for some reason is more than most other working mums do so I don't get why he's annoyed.
Hes always asking me to do things with the baby, change a nappy, put him to bed, get him dressed etc and says I should want ton spend time with my baby, which I will do when he's about three and more interesting to me.

I think that as I work full time and do a few jobs around the house, something a lot of other working mums don't do that I'm a brilliant Mum and he should think himself lucky to have me."

She would be pulled to shit.
Changing a nappy, getting a baby dressed doesn't make a man a brilliant dad, and isn't something a woman should be thankful for, it should be an assumption that they will do these things when they can or are needed to as its a basic element of parenting. If women should be greatful for a man doing a few basics, then men should be telling women what saints they are when they are the ones doing almost all of it for their husbands, often after having been to work themselves.

Working Dad doing a few things around the house and the odd nappy change = fantastic dad, cut him some slack.
Mum working or not doing almost all housework, almost all child rearing = nothing special, no big deal.

ZaraC - I am normal, honestly. I do all the things normal people do and look after my children too.

What do you do if you need the loo while your husband is at work? Do you wait for him to get home? That is a rhetorical question, so you do not need to answer. I am sure you do the same as I do.

Working Dad doing a few things around the house and the odd nappy change = fantastic dad, cut him some slack.
Mum working or not doing almost all housework, almost all child rearing = nothing special, no big deal.

Indeed.

"Hen-pecked ninny in a pinny" is just a bizarre thing to say

It wasn't me.

If I was alone and I went to the toilet, and the baby filled his nappy. He'd have to wait until I was finished.

If I went to the toilet and the baby filled his nappy and his dad was right there, his dad would change him.

You can replace toilet with whatever you like.

The point is that you're saying you never left your children alone with their dad. Or that if you did he waited until you returned to change them.

It's not entirely beyond belief to think that through 5 children for any number of reasons one of them might have been left alone with their father for long enough to need a nappy change.

It's not entirely beyond belief to think that through 5 children for any number of reasons one of them might have been left alone with their father for long enough to need a nappy change.

when this happened my father in law, he called his mother who came over and changed the nappy.

My bil gets called hen pecked by his family mates and coworkers, he works in construction with mostly men, but I've seen women take the piss out of him too. It's always done in a "banter" type way and he just ignores it but sil hates it,nif she challenges it then they just take the piss more and say he needs his wife to speak up for him as well.

We were at a family meal last year and they were talking about an event some of them had been too previously, other bil said bil couldn't go as he had to take the kids to football while his wife was at work, (he'd take them even she was at home) lots of laughing, one of the women started making jokes about him not going to the pub for a pint like the others after work as he had Homework to help with, more laughter. My dd (10 at the time) asked what the joke was, why is a parent helping with homework so funny? Isn't that what parents do? she understood what they were doing and deliberately sounded confused and nobody could explain it to her without sounding like sexist pigs. Sil and bil thought dd was brilliant, the pisstakers with the hen pecked jokes didn't like it though.

On the way home dd said she thinks men laugh at men and tease them about parenting their own children because they feel uncomfortable and maybe judged that they don't pull their weight with their own children, if it's something to be mocked then it makes it easier for them to opt out of it. and that maybe women laugh at them too as a way to deflect and avoid questioning why their own dhs don't want to take part in the practical and basic parenting of their DC.

Yabu

Small babies can be boring - give him time and let him relate in his
Own way

ZaraC - once again you are telling me I said something I did not say. Of course my husband can be left alone with our children. Believe it or not, none of our children have the kind of explosive bowels that constitutes an emergency that cannot wait for me to finish a visit to the loo.

Are there any other intimate details of my life you would like me to explain?

Perhaps you are curious about how I deal with an emergency nappy situation while my husband and I make love? Or maybe you would like to share with other Mumsnetters how you and your husband deal with such a dilemma. Would I be right in thinking you take it in turns?

No honeybee. You volunteered the information on here that your husband has never ever changed a nappy or bathed any of his 5 children.

I'm not the only person who picked up on that seeming a little odd. If only on a practical level.

Stopfuckimgshouting what would happen if op decided that she found the baby rather boring, and needed to relate in her own way? Would the baby just go without being bathed? Would she have the option to just opt out?

Or do only men need saving from these dreadfully mundane tasks?

I don't think anyone is massively interested in your sex life, HoneyBee. But if you're offering to explain how your parenting arrangements work, I am genuinely curious about how you manage appointments out of the house. What about the dentist, just for one?

I had quite a few dentist appointments when I was on mat leave/SAHP, and it was doable because I knew I could leave the baby with DH. How does something like that work if your DH can't change nappies? Do you just... cross your fingers and hope they won't need changing until you're home? Pay for childcare? Get a (female, presumably) friend/relative to look after the children, even though their other parent is available?

53rd - I am sure my husband could change a nappy if he needed to, but - I will say it again - he doesn't need to.

All my children are nappy free now, but it was never a big issue. Honestly it takes seconds and unless they had a bad tummy, wasn't a frequent or serious undertaking.

I can't believe some people make such a song and dance about something so easy. It makes me wonder if some contributors even have children in the real world.

You get on with it, no need to wring your hands, you do what you have to do.

Some of your husbands must have the patience of Job.