AIBU to think I wasn't rude?

[cherrycrumblecustard]

DD is 2 and this morning threw a tantrum outside the supermarket and was refusing to go in her car seat. I was juggling shopping and keys and phone and trying to manage it all. It's fine, it happens, and I had it under control after a fashion, if you see what I mean.

An elderly woman stopped and STARED (which I hate anyway, it's so rude) but I just ignored her, thinking she'd go. She didn't. I then had this exchange where she tutted and sucked her teeth, then said, "are you all right?" I said cheerily 'yes, thanks, are you?' Which was my way of trying to get her to see all was OK. Or normal at least!

She then said to me, all of which I ignored.
"You can't get her in. You can't get her in. I'd smack her legs if she was mine. You can't get her in!" She kept doing these little titters as well which were really annoying. So in the end I just said "look, to be honest, you're not helping, can you give me a bit of space?"

DH came wandering along at that point (he'd been getting money out) and said I was rude to her! I wasn't, surely?!

younger people usually know not to stare or get involved"

Not the case I'm afraid in my world. The most judgmental I can remember is a young mum and her teenage daughter stood gawping at us whilst fhe mum was loudly declaring to me and the whole of Tesco: "Good God! Shut the child up!".

Thanks for the wise advice, funnily enough it's not as if I'd been trying to calm him down is it? that hadn't occurred to me!... 😂

There have been threads where pp have questioned reference to youth in descriptions in fact. Several posters have said they dislike the 'teenager generalisations' as well.

I don't think using elderly as a descriptor in your OP is what makes you sounds ageist. Its this bit.

I don't know what it is with some old women, and sorry but it always is old women, who make completely inappropriate comments.

She was rude to you yes, but she will have been rude when she was younger too.

I've had more rude comments from other parents in the same age group as me, things like insisting "you want to be giving her a feed" when I knew dd was crying for something else, I can imagine these will be doing the same as they get older.

To reply back in that situation 'yes, thanks, are you?' is imo dismissive and equally rude.

Re: ageism - I don't think anyone would say "Why is it relevant that they were a teenager?" or object to someone talking about "stroppy teens". I do think someone's generation is relevant in a situation like this. For example, slapping a kid's legs was probably pretty normal advice for a mother dealing with a tantrum in the 1950s.

And, as others have said, dementia is more likely to explain odd behaviour in a 90-year-old than it is in a 30-year-old.

Anyway. This thread isn't about that, it's about whether the OP was rude. And no, you weren't rude - regardless of any reason for the woman's behaviour, it's fine to someone to give you some space when you're dealing with a clearly personal situation.

"I don't know what it is with some old women, and sorry but it always is old women, who make completely inappropriate comments."

This really really has not been my experience! Plenty of inappropriate comments from all sectors of society. Lots of appropriate conversations as well.

To reply back in that situation 'yes, thanks, are you?' is imo dismissive and equally rude.

Really??? What on earth else are you supposed to say?

Re: ageism - I don't think anyone would say "Why is it relevant that they were a teenager?" or object to someone talking about "stroppy teens".

Yes I think I have said similar on mn (serial namechanger)! I don't like the "stroppy, untidy, overdramatising, lazy, entitled teenager" type comments, either in rl or on mn.

Omg no. I would totally have lost it and told her to feck off.

I think you were very restrained! Honestly can't say I would be so restrained in the same situation.

The elderly comment was just descriptive from what I can see, in the same way woman was.

"The elderly comment was just descriptive from what I can see, in the same way woman was."

So why not "black"?

And for what it's worth, I deplore generalizations about teenagers too.

Yes Bertrand. Or to put it another way - why not tall, short, medium height, wearing a blue dress, brown eyes, thick eyebrows? Because those characteristics or descriptors would be considered totally irrelevant. "Elderly" though is presumably considered to be building up a relevant part of the picture. Taking us back to the question - why is it relevant?

Ciutadella spot on I think.

Why oh why do people need to nitpick over wording, completely dereailing the thread!

I have had similar Op, my DD1 who was about 2 at the time laid down on the floor in front of the trolleys in a shop while I was struggling with bags and purse and pram and I was trying to get her up while this old woman, yes she WAS old, stood there saying 'in my day we'd have just smacked her until she did what she was told'. My reply was probably not as restrained as yours!!

I have always offered either help or a concilitary comment to mums/dads in your position. I think we've all had one of those days and offering to hold bags or keys or open a door can make the world of difference to someone who is on the verge of losing their shit because they have a rigid toddler refusing to be buckled in!

I'd have said feck off out of it! YADNBU

Morning folks! Just popping by to appeal for a bit of peace and love here. We agree that rudeness and interfering behaviour knows no age boundaries at either end of the spectrum, and so, while it might not break our talk guidelines overtly, it's probably better to steer clear of describing such people in terms of their age if it isn't relevant. It would be great to get the thread back on track if possible and return to discussing the original question of whether the OP is unreasonable to think she was not being rude herself or not.

No OP you weren't rude at all, you were very restrained. I am amazed by the nitpickers here. Ageist and sexist my arse. Those making such comments are just petty, pedantic and really irritating. They seek out things to be offended by. You did well OP.

Iona does mn have a view on the use of phrases such as interfering old bat, and generalisations that it is always old people who do this?

"Why oh why do people need to nitpick over wording, completely dereailing the thread!"

Well, because everyone, to a woman, has said that the OP wasn't rude and the woman concerned was being incredibly irritating! How many more times does she need it confirmed?

Bizarre that anyone reported, by the way!

"Those making such comments are just petty, pedantic and really irritating. They seek out things to be offended by"

Substitute "black"

How does it sound then?

Curious that if age isn't relevant why is her gender?

A human stopped and stared.

Is that better?

Compared to some on here, the human who repeatedly said 'she won't go in!' about my DD (or should that be gender neutral too?) is starting to look like a saint!