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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think I wasn't rude?

156 replies

cherrycrumblecustard · 07/01/2017 10:30

DD is 2 and this morning threw a tantrum outside the supermarket and was refusing to go in her car seat. I was juggling shopping and keys and phone and trying to manage it all. It's fine, it happens, and I had it under control after a fashion, if you see what I mean.

An elderly woman stopped and STARED (which I hate anyway, it's so rude) but I just ignored her, thinking she'd go. She didn't. I then had this exchange where she tutted and sucked her teeth, then said, "are you all right?" I said cheerily 'yes, thanks, are you?' Which was my way of trying to get her to see all was OK. Or normal at least!

She then said to me, all of which I ignored.
"You can't get her in. You can't get her in. I'd smack her legs if she was mine. You can't get her in!" She kept doing these little titters as well which were really annoying. So in the end I just said "look, to be honest, you're not helping, can you give me a bit of space?"

DH came wandering along at that point (he'd been getting money out) and said I was rude to her! I wasn't, surely?!

OP posts:
amammabear · 07/01/2017 11:02

The staring and telling you what she'd do is just rude, but repeating herself and laughing convinced me that there is a dementia element.

Toffeewhirl · 07/01/2017 11:03

Oh, and YANBU op. The woman who stared at you and commented was rude and helpful Angry.

Bluntness100 · 07/01/2017 11:04

Don't go to Italy, I took my daughter when she was about five and every single woman over the age of fifty told me what to do with my daughter, even though she was perfectly well behaved, I wasn't canvassing opinion, we were perfectly happy and minding our own business. Put her on uour knee, here feed her this, put her bag there, here give her this drink, does your "baby"want this.... None of them provided advice to my husband. At one point on a train journey I had a whole bunch of them in the compartment at it.😂

Sara107 · 07/01/2017 11:11

You weren't rude! What is it with horrible old ladies and smacking? My mil once told me I should smack my then 3 yr olds legs til I left marks.... She hasn't commented on discipline since....

Freyanna · 07/01/2017 11:21

Yanbu! Totally unhelpful, interfering person.

ShinyMoonFace · 07/01/2017 11:24

No, you were not rude. regardless if the woman had something going on with her, I think you were quite fair to ask for space.

Not like me when DS (autistic) had a mega meltdown in the Co-op aged about 3. A woman hissed at me 'Can't you control your child?' At which point I had a mega meltdown right in her face.

That was an October. It was the following summer before I dared to take my son to the shops again.

mummyof2pr · 07/01/2017 11:26

You were by no means rude at all!!! If anything she was. What kind of person stands there and watches someone else like that and then makes comments on their parenting or compares to what they would do?

AwaywiththePixies27 · 07/01/2017 11:26

^She then said to me, all of which I ignored.
"You can't get her in. You can't get her in. I'd smack her legs if she was mine. You can't get her in!" She kept doing these little titters as well which were really annoying. So in the end I just said "look, to be honest, you're not helping, can you give me a bit of space?"^

God no! You were NOT rude in the slightest! You were very polite and I plan on using your exact wording next time DS kicks off! (SNs) and someone tries to unhelpfully interfere Grin

BertrandRussell · 07/01/2017 11:28

Why is her age relevant?

ShinyMoonFace · 07/01/2017 11:28

Although, on the other hand, once I was travelling on a train with DS when he had another one of his epic meltdowns. I got off the train (quite some way from our stop ... I mean, a good 30 minutes from our stop!) and sat on the platform and cried. A man who had been in our carriage and had also gotten off came over and I thought he was going to say something horrid. He just patted me on the shoulder and said;' When they get like this, there is nothing you can do' And walked off. i cried even louder because of his kindness and have never forgotten it. :)

Aeroflotgirl · 07/01/2017 11:28

She was rude, and interferring! Its rude to stare! You were restrained, I would have told her to mind her own.

BertrandRussell · 07/01/2017 11:29

Of the age of all the other "over 50s" on the thread?

But no, you weren't rude. Ageist. But not rude.

Original poster
cherrycrumblecustard · 07/01/2017 11:30

The laughing wasn't proper laughing. I've explained it badly but you know those non laughs people do? Sort of 'huh' noise.

'You can't get her in ... Huh ... I'd smack her legs ... Huh, you can't get her in, huh.'

If that makes sense?

OP posts:
Original poster
cherrycrumblecustard · 07/01/2017 11:30

Okay, well I don't think I was but whatever really :)

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 07/01/2017 11:33

I don't think anyone's saying you were rude, are they?

Original poster
cherrycrumblecustard · 07/01/2017 11:34

No, I was answering you saying I was ageist.

"You weren't rude. Ageist, but not rude."
"Okay, well I don't think I was ageist but whatever, really" :)

OP posts:
Crispbutty · 07/01/2017 11:34

How old are we talking? 70-80? Because at the grand old age of 46 I appear to be almost in the old bracket if over 50 is considered old .. Runs away crying Confused

Original poster
cherrycrumblecustard · 07/01/2017 11:35

I wouldn't have thought so. White hair, perm, shopping trolley. Was it you, crisp? WAS IT? Grin

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 07/01/2017 11:35

How is it not agist to specify "elderly" when talking about someone being interfering or annoying?

Why did you even mention her age?

Original poster
cherrycrumblecustard · 07/01/2017 11:36

Her sex wasn't technically relevant either, so was I being sexist?

OP posts:
rollonthesummer · 07/01/2017 11:37

You were very restrained, by the sounds of it!

Your DH probably would probably have felt differently had it been him in your situation.

ilovesooty · 07/01/2017 11:39

I don't think the OP was rude but it seems at least possible that dementia was a factor here.
However whether or not the OP was ageist this type of thread unfortunately brings casual ageism out.

UnbornMortificado · 07/01/2017 11:44

I hate this but not all people are like this.

DH had to physically carry toddler DD out Asda a few weeks ago. She wanted to sit in the trolley and walk at the same time Hmm

The lovely women in the checkout line was lovely and told me she'd been there and it does get better. Made me feel loads better. It was b.a Asda if it was a mnetter reading this thank you.

You were very restrained.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 07/01/2017 11:44

No you weren't rude. She was being rude for sticking her oar in. Where it was not needed or wanted. Now it woukd have been different had she offered her assistance as appose to standing there passing comments.

cx5221 · 07/01/2017 11:45

You were not being unreasonable, although sometimes it's easier just to kind of agree and laugh along even when you have no intention of following the advice, it just sometimes helps to hurry the tantrum observers along a bit quicker.

I remember taking my little girl to b&q on a Wednesday once (pension discount day for those not in the know) with my dad.
My dd decided to throw a tantrum in the the bathroom/wallpaper bit because one of the over head ceiling fans wasn't working and I couldn't fix it. She just lay on the floor screaming like an angry starfish in the middle of the aisle we were literally circled by old people like we were a human freak show.
Two words.....field day (for them not me)!
They were all staring watching telling me she needed a smacked bottom, a clip round the ear etc etc nothing like 30 oap hecklers to heighten the stress in a tantrum situation the more I tried to ignore them the worse they were in the end I agreed and they all moved along their advice being received was all they wanted apparently!
It took me years until I was brave enough to tackle b&q Wednesdays with my dad again.
These days I just leave her on the floor as long as I can see her and she's not in the way until she can face the world again broken fans an all
If any hecklers tell me sometime now I just agree with them and they move on.

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