AIBU to think I wasn't rude?

[cherrycrumblecustard]

DD is 2 and this morning threw a tantrum outside the supermarket and was refusing to go in her car seat. I was juggling shopping and keys and phone and trying to manage it all. It's fine, it happens, and I had it under control after a fashion, if you see what I mean.

An elderly woman stopped and STARED (which I hate anyway, it's so rude) but I just ignored her, thinking she'd go. She didn't. I then had this exchange where she tutted and sucked her teeth, then said, "are you all right?" I said cheerily 'yes, thanks, are you?' Which was my way of trying to get her to see all was OK. Or normal at least!

She then said to me, all of which I ignored.
"You can't get her in. You can't get her in. I'd smack her legs if she was mine. You can't get her in!" She kept doing these little titters as well which were really annoying. So in the end I just said "look, to be honest, you're not helping, can you give me a bit of space?"

DH came wandering along at that point (he'd been getting money out) and said I was rude to her! I wasn't, surely?!

My response would probably have been along the lines of "well I don't hit everyone who gets on my nerves, for which you should be grateful by the way. So I'm not about to start battering my toddler on your say so. Now fuck off."

MotherofA
If he'd have called me 'hey yummy mummy' I think I'd have completely lost it and swung for him with the big bag!! How bloody patronising.

Urgh I hate the gawping, it's like they either have no social awareness or they think if they engage with you then you and them can have a good old rant together about misbehaving kids. You were very polite and restrained!

It's not being agist to say it is old people who tend to do it, not ALL old people do it but it's always older people who do it to me (70s+) It's just a different generation isn't it, where people interacted more with strangers... younger people usually know not to stare or get involved.

Well. I can see it's not very nice.

But I do find it difficult because I have to admit that this sort of interfering, while it isn't unheard of in others, does tend to be older women. Don't get me wrong, the majority are lovely and obviously just like babies and at first I used to love them coming over for a chat and coo over the baby. Obviously as DD has got older and she is 3 in April so she does tantrum, run off, shout, hit, mess about, and every time I've had interfering comments it's been from older women. And from reading MN it seems others feel the same.

That's not saying every old woman interferes. But a bit like some shops won't let more than two/three teenagers in at a time, isn't that ageist? Or the (often funny) threads on here about elderly parents and fussiness. I know it's not all of them. But I remember a poem where they mention something like this, can't remember, it was something about men who had once been tall and strapping and they carry on wearing the same clothes and look comical as they're so big on them.

I suppose just as there are things that are particular to people from a certain area some things can become particular to people of a certain age, it's not ageist (I don't think) to say this, especially when they are as annoying as that woman was!

"30 OAP hecklers"

" younger people usually know not to stare or get involved"

Yeah, sure, course they do. No manners at all, old people.

Mumsnet lately: If you describe someone from a different generation than yours as older, you're ageist. If you don't, you get pounced on for drip feeding and changing your story because it's relevant if the woman was older and it's a different generation, you know. And right after, someome else will jump in about stereotyping an entire generation. Someone needs to do a life of Brian parody sketch of this place.

Bertrand You're being very over sensitive on this thread, no-one is saying ALL old people do this.

You weren't rude, ageist or sexist, OP.

She wasn't helping and she was standing there making you feel worse. I think you were remarkably polite under the circumstances.

Had she been helpful or kind and you came on here and said how you appreciated the moral support, no one would have called you ageist for it. People are just looking to pick. Annoying.

Ageism is so rife on Mumsnet people don't even notice. Substitute "black" or "disabled" in all the comments on this thread and see whether you think I''m being oversenstitve.

I don't think tha tyou were rude.

Did your husband have a particular trick to getting your daughter in the car, or was it just good luck that she'd decided to get in by then?

You know when you're struggling with a stiff door for ages and someone else just comes along and it opens for them ...

You were not rude, I think you dealt with it well. Uninvited input in those situations is always stressful and why people (of any age, gender or whatever) ever think getting involved in someone else's parenting challenges is a good idea is beyond me. I have had a few things like this happen and my patience has been tested every time. I am a really patient person so it then upsets me as if they'd just not get involved it would have been over and dealt with. Well done for not losing your cool and to pp the yummy mummy salesperson I think that was actually fine, please don't feel bad.

agree with Bertrand, why is it in the least bit relevant that she was elderly? Genuine question.

And the reference to an 'old bat' by another pp? And the generalisations that it is always old people/women? Ime most generations are capable of being irritating or alternatively lovely, so why the need to stereotype in this way?

Yes, but Bert I think you're missing the point there a bit.

In my op and other peoples there were various other things that might not have been relevant. Was it relevant DH was getting cash out? Was it relevant we had been shopping ? I didn't, but I might well have put 'we were at sainsburys / Aldi / Tesco' which would have been similarly irrelevant.

You're not showing prejudice, you're building a picture.

Now very generally, it's considered rude to draw attention to race or disabilities unless it's relevant so you're right, I absolutely wouldn't have said 'a Chinese woman' or whatever. But I would have said 'a teenage girl, a young woman, a woman about my age' because it sort of builds up a picture that helps the reader understand and picture what happened.

That's all about eighty percent of the "ageism" on Mumsnet is tbh. Someone saying someone was elderly.

Ageism is so rife on Mumsnet people don't even notice. Substitute "black" or "disabled" in all the comments on this thread and see whether you think I''m being oversenstitve.

Because black would be irrelevant. The ladies age was relevant. It IS normally older ladies who think you want their advice. And also, I personally would have more patience if it were an older person. A younger person would be much more likely to get a rude response from me.

Op you were very restrained and not at all rude.

So if you were just painting the picture, why not say "black"?

And why is it OK for others to pile in with the "horrid old woman" "old bat" "young people know not to stare" type comments?

I'd love to know how "nosy and interfering old bat" can be construed as not ageist.

I've explained why Bert, because commenting on race (unless directly relevant, e.g. Trying to describe someone) is considered rude.

And I don't think I've said its ok but I'm not getting its ageist. Ageist would be 'ALL old women do that.' I think we can say some things are more common amongst certain groups without being 'ist' but as I said in my earlier message, to me it's a 'whatever, really' :)

Even it were true that it is normally old ladies who think you want advice Cranberries (which is not my experience but anyway), why does it follow that it is relevant to a post asking if op is rude?

If you said, a group of teens/students were sitting laughing, nobody would ask why you'd thought to specify age.

Elderly etc is not the same as old bat/old biddy/old bag/old cow etc though.

I do think there might be a generational change in terms of giving advice to mothers actually. None of the people who randomly told me in the street that my baby was too cold or needed feeding or a dummy was of my generation. Maybe we don't feel we should give advice to people unless they're younger than us, I don't know. Or maybe we're all more hesitant and reserved now.

Because to me it's just 'nosy and interfering bat' she wasn't being called that because she was old but because she was nosy and interfering, and I REALLY didn't appreciate it!

Well yes, seek exactly. "A group of young men were being really noisy, wibu when I asked them to please keep it down' wouldn't have people shouting 'oh my god you're so ageist!'

And she wasn't giving advice either.

She told me to smack my two year olds legs!