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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To tell my husband that if he doesn't start showing interest, I want a divorce?

237 replies

FrustratedFedUp · 07/01/2017 09:57

Husband never into sex. I have to instigate it every time. He denies this and says he does instigate but when he does, it's after I've been moaning at him about it so it's still not exactly him doing it off his own back, it's him doing it out of duty.

On a night he won't come to bed until he's tired enough to sleep. I go about 11, suggest that he comes with me on occasion and he makes excuses and comes much later. By then, we're both too tired.

On the rare occasion that we get a lie in together he stays asleep until well into the morning. If I try and wake him he says he's still waking up an hour or so later. In the end I get bored and get up.

This morning - feeling so frustrated I put his hand on my boob. He touched me for a bit but kept stopping. I tried to keep him going but he wasn't even looking at me, still laid with his head in the pillow, eyes closed, no interest at all.

In the end I asked him what the problem was. Why is he never into it? Why does he never show any interest in me? Why is it such hard work??? He said I was shit stirring and mood swinging and said he was into it until I spoilt it by moaning but he clearly wasn't!!! He kept stopping, wasn't even looking at me, never tried to instigate anything else - it was ducking obvious he wasn't into it and that's why I got him to stop because it just started to feel awkward.

He stormed downstairs in the end and I've told him that if he doesn't start showing an interest I'll leave.

I feel so rejected. I'm only 35, not overweight or anything different to what I was when he met me (when we had a sex life!!). He's 10 years older than me. I feel like I'm missing out. I'm laid here on a Saturday morning feeling alone, rejected and frustrated. He makes no effort at all.

The other day I found myself so frustrated I started searching for porn. I feel like shit. Never had to beg for intimacy before. AIBU to tell him that if he doesn't make the effort I want a divorce? I don't want to live like this. I'll end up having an affair and that's not me.

OP posts:
HerOtherHalf · 07/01/2017 20:39

What on earth are you talking about goose? Maybe you've never had a relationship with a man who enjoys nonsexual intimacy but that doesn't mean none of us do.

Iris65 · 07/01/2017 20:49

I was in a similar marriage for 20 years. I begged, tried all kinds of things and was laughed at and ignored for my efforts. When my XH finally realised that I was serious about leaving he made an effort but it was too late. I felt no sexual attraction to him at all and felt disgusted the last time we had sex, which was the first time in 15 years.
I am now living with a new partner of 3 years with whom I have great sexual chemistry.
I still love my XH and he was (and still is) lovely. I miss a lot of our relationship and do sometimes wonder if I did the right thing. Everyone thought we were the perfect couple and no one knew the horrible way I felt and how lonely I was. The truth is though that I love having a sexual relationship and it turned out to be a deal breaker for my marriage.

Iris65 · 07/01/2017 20:53

In terms of my own XH when we first met the sexual good and frequent. He told me about 2 years before I left that he 'just wasn't interested anymore.' It wasn't anything to do with me, he just lost interest. He's still asexual now AFAIK.

user1481140239 · 07/01/2017 21:11

Wow I can't believe some of the accusatory comments on here towards him. Other woman, porn addict.... just wow.
OP how is he otherwise in the relationship? is he respectful towards you, affectionate on other ways, kind etc? if so he may have loss of libido which is his issue and nothing to do with you, it sounds like he is aware/ ashamed of it and so trying to avoid confrontation about it.
You need to have a calm non confrontational chat about it, so he does not get defensive. Making a big issue of it will make him defensive and not get you anywhere. If he is not willing to try to work on it then yes maybe you need to go your separate way sir it is making you so unhappy.

kaputt · 07/01/2017 21:40

OP, I hear you. I would hear you whether you were male or female. I know there are couples who have found solutions, be that helping the partner who doesn't want sex to feel more valued/secure/confident in the relationship and rediscover their sex drive, or other ways around the issue. Personally I haven't and am in a sexless marriage, but feel sort of OK with that, as depressing as that probably sounds!

Good luck. I get it about the boob thing. It isn't good, but I know what it's like when you get to that point.

DrinkReprehensibly · 07/01/2017 21:42

My ExH and I had different sex drives. I don't think I put pressure on him as far as I know but we did communicate about it and had a few talks about whether there was anything I could do to make him want me. He wouldn't tell me and insisted it was fine.

In the end, I did find out why (although he didn't tell me!) and after a couple of years of trying to engage in his interests, I just couldn't and at ended up divorcing. You think you know someone after 6 years together!

He wasn't a bastard, and I truly hope he has found someone he is compatible with in bed. We weren't and we ended up like good friends living together.

I'm remarried now to someone I'm much more sexually compatible with and am very happy.

Op, unless there's something medical, it's unlikely to change. Like others have said, it's not fair to guilt someone into sex and besides, it's no fun when you feel they're only doing it as a favour to you because they otherwise love you. You have to weigh things up and decide if it's important enough to end things. It was for me, but we didn't have kids which made it easier.

NothingIsOK · 08/01/2017 09:51

OP, the Guardian today has a Mariella Frostrup column on exactly this topic. She mentions www.sexualadviceassociation.co.uk and I had a look.

Very interesting, supportive and hopefully useful to you and your partner. Lots of information in the how's and whys, and also lots of help with how to help. Good luck.

MephistophelesApprentice · 08/01/2017 10:06

This is a really tough one. I'm a man in a relationship with a woman who's sex drive didn't just drop away, but became so radically vanilla (as opposed to wildly kinky) that I sometimes find it hard to recognise the person I feel in love with. Worst of all, a lot of our displays of standard affection and intimacy were based around playful flirtatiousness, so I was shocked after several weeks of no sex when I was told that what I thought was just normal cuddles and banter were me being a pest! Tell the truth, it broke me a little. I've spent so much time suppressing my normal behaviour in order not to be putting pressure on her that I feel like a pale shadow of who I was.

I was lucky - she was willing to communicate after a year and admit that she had changed, and now I'm desperately hoping that a change to her contraception will bring back the woman I love. But I was lucky that she cared enough to communicate and enough about my feelings to call it a mutual problem.

Noone should be pressured into sex. I was sickened when she told me how I was coming across. It is exactly right for the people in this thread high lighting the double standards to do so, and comforting for a man to see that there are those who actually care about pure gender equality. But someone cutting off all the sex in a relationship and not being decent enough to communicate is horribly destructive to your identity and confidence. Mutually satisfying intimacy is crucial in a relationship, whatever form that might take.

BabychamSocialist · 08/01/2017 15:55

I feel sorry for your husband. Whilst you are understandably wanting affection, it's just not on for you to keep forcing him into things he doesn't want to do. You need to talk to him, not force him into having sex with you.

ShastaBeast · 08/01/2017 16:31

Guiding his hand on to her boob is a world away from forcing him into sex. What sensationalist bollocks. If he didn't want to do it I doubt the OP would've forced his hand to remain there. And putting his hand on her boob is quite different to pushing it down into her pants, so it's not the same as a man putting a woman's hand on his dick.

There is always going to be a bit of inequality when it comes to sex, the man can, if he wanted, force a woman into sex physically, a women is highly unlikely to be physically able to force a man. She could guilt trip him into it but she doesn't want that, she wants him to want her, not to be forced in any way. It isn't about sexual satisfaction, it's about connecting and feeling desired. And yes they do need to talk, but it doesn't seem like he wants to. I'd find this unacceptable regardless of the genitalia of the people involved.

ToEarlyForDecorations · 08/01/2017 17:19

Guiding his hand on to her boob is a world away from forcing him into sex. What sensationalist bollocks.

Thank you. I agree exactly with this ^

PenguinsandPebbles · 08/01/2017 21:06

Guiding his hand on to her boob is a world away from forcing him into sex. What sensationalist bollocks.

Did you read the thread?

OP did this a number of times, when she knew he didn't really want to have sex with her

Yes I think she deserves love and affection, but if the person your in a relationship doesn't want sex you don't force the issue

Itscurtainsforyou · 08/01/2017 21:39

OP - I had a similar relationship. We had a great time until we moved in together, then he just had no interest in sex - some of your posts rang many bells for me. Two and a half horribly difficult years later (after I became very depressed) I sat him down and told him I didn't think he loved me anymore. He agreed but didn't know how to end it (practically and financially). I took control of that side of things and we were properly split up within a couple of months.

His lack of affection and refusal to discuss/acknowledge the problem had a real impact on my mental health and self worth. Please don't let the same happen to you.

ShastaBeast · 09/01/2017 07:56

I have read all the thread and haven't seen anything to suggest he was ever forced. I have been raped, don't ever suggest a person in loving relationship choosing to have sex with their partner for their partners benefit is forced. We've probably all had sex when we're not into it as much as our partner but we've wanted to please them. I did yesterday, I enjoyed being wanted but I didn't want it for myself. It wasn't forced and wouldn't be in this situation. My husband has enjoyed doing the same but I could never ever force him into sex unless I'd drugged him and tied him up. Forced sex is rape, are you really accusing the OP of rape?

Isetan · 09/01/2017 09:22

For whatever reason, he clearly doesn't want an intimate relationship with you and I think you should stop trying to initiate sex with someone who clearly doesn't want to. However, you will have to spell out the consequences of him not talking about the lack of intimacy. If he wants to stay married to you, then the time to address the issues is now, before the inevitable happens and you lose physical interest in him and staying married to him.

He's isn't obliged to have sex with you if it's something he doesn't want but you deserve a conversation.

GunnyHighway · 09/01/2017 10:17

Guiding his hand on to her boob is a world away from forcing him into sex. What sensationalist bollocks.

If we just change that to "her hand onto his penis" is that acceptable or world it suddenly become assault?

RockyBird · 09/01/2017 10:27

The "hand coming across" is a local expression here for one partner or another instigating sex. If it isn't wanted it is batted away and that's the end of that in normal relationships. No assault has taken place.

I would think most sex within a relationship starts as per the above. I would think people within relationships who discuss and agree to sex before the event every single time are in a very slim minority.

BabychamSocialist · 09/01/2017 15:51

Sorry but I think her guiding his hand onto her boob is definitely being forced. If it was "I guide her hand onto my penis even though she shows no interest" that would be rightly considered abusive. Why the double standards?

Fairenuff · 09/01/2017 16:54

This is what OP wrote:

'This morning - feeling so frustrated I put his hand on my boob. He touched me for a bit but kept stopping. I tried to keep him going but he wasn't even looking at me, still laid with his head in the pillow, eyes closed, no interest at all.'

Just change the 'boob' to 'penis' and you can see how it can been seen as sexual assault/unwanted sexual attention.

'This morning - feeling so frustrated I put her hand on my penis. She touched me for a bit but kept stopping. I tried to keep her going but she wasn't even looking at me, still laid with her head in the pillow, eyes closed, no interest at all.'

'No interest at all'

It's very, very clear that consent is not being given enthusiastically and willingly.

DownWithThatSort0fThing · 09/01/2017 17:10

I don't like how the posters seem to be trying to make the OP feel like a sex pest

OP it is normal to want sex, and normal to want it with your husband

TBH I think life is too short to stay with someone you are unhappy with - if he can't be arsed and you want it, do you want to spend the rest of your life frustrated and painted as a sex pest or end up having an affair, either way you it doesn't sound like any kind of winning situation for you

Why does sex dry up after people have been together for a while, its the whole package we fall in love with, not just the sex but that IS a part of it, and the ENTIRE package reels you in, you get married and then suddenly sex is off the table. The life you thought you were going to have isn't an option

Don't feel bad OP and there are a lot of shit stirrers on this thread

Fairenuff · 09/01/2017 17:35

He was like this before they got married Down.

user1478860582 · 09/01/2017 17:38

So according to MN, if you want to touch your significant other then you have to get signed consent, witnessed by two others to ensure there is no coercion. It would be helpful if one of the witnesses was a doctor as they can then ascertain whether the consent is enthusiastic enough or not.

The said witnesses then have to watch to ensure consent within the proscribed boundaries remains at an acceptable level.

Fairenuff · 09/01/2017 17:46

No user you just have to check your partner's responses to your touch. That is enough to tell you whether they are a willing participant.

I'm surprised at how many people find that so hard to understand.

amammabear · 09/01/2017 17:48

Maybe it's something you can only understand if you've been in the position of someone trying to make you do it?

Middleoftheroad · 09/01/2017 17:53

Watching with interest as my DH has not had sex with me in a decade because he has no interest. It is so demoralising but it's my choice to stay. YANBU as deprivation of sex has been soul destroying.

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