To tell my husband that if he doesn't start showing interest, I want a divorce?

[FrustratedFedUp]

Husband never into sex. I have to instigate it every time. He denies this and says he does instigate but when he does, it's after I've been moaning at him about it so it's still not exactly him doing it off his own back, it's him doing it out of duty.

On a night he won't come to bed until he's tired enough to sleep. I go about 11, suggest that he comes with me on occasion and he makes excuses and comes much later. By then, we're both too tired.

On the rare occasion that we get a lie in together he stays asleep until well into the morning. If I try and wake him he says he's still waking up an hour or so later. In the end I get bored and get up.

This morning - feeling so frustrated I put his hand on my boob. He touched me for a bit but kept stopping. I tried to keep him going but he wasn't even looking at me, still laid with his head in the pillow, eyes closed, no interest at all.

In the end I asked him what the problem was. Why is he never into it? Why does he never show any interest in me? Why is it such hard work??? He said I was shit stirring and mood swinging and said he was into it until I spoilt it by moaning but he clearly wasn't!!! He kept stopping, wasn't even looking at me, never tried to instigate anything else - it was ducking obvious he wasn't into it and that's why I got him to stop because it just started to feel awkward.

He stormed downstairs in the end and I've told him that if he doesn't start showing an interest I'll leave.

I feel so rejected. I'm only 35, not overweight or anything different to what I was when he met me (when we had a sex life!!). He's 10 years older than me. I feel like I'm missing out. I'm laid here on a Saturday morning feeling alone, rejected and frustrated. He makes no effort at all.

The other day I found myself so frustrated I started searching for porn. I feel like shit. Never had to beg for intimacy before. AIBU to tell him that if he doesn't make the effort I want a divorce? I don't want to live like this. I'll end up having an affair and that's not me.

OP says he's always been like this:

'He stopped instigating very early on in our relationship to be honest but I found that if I instigated, he would get into it so got by like that. After a while he started rejecting my advances a lot which was fine, but did start to knock my confidence'

He doesn't want to have sex.
You do.
He shouldn't have to have sex with someone he doesn't want to.
He should do some bloody communicating.
You do not have to stay in this relationship and are free to find someone who wants to be intimate with you.

I could not say in a relationship with someone who didn't want to be intimate with me.

Oh, I so wish this man could open up and tell you what is going on in his life and his head! Maybe he is worrying about something that he doesn't want to worry you with? To his mind, he could see this as protecting you while carrying the burden himself. Would you know if he had financial worries? Or a lot of stress at work? Is it possible he is seeing someone else? Whatever it is, I wish he could tell you! Some people just find it impossible to share their feelings. I feel frustrated for you!! He really needs to be honest with you about what's changed. I wish you the best of luck.

I'm really surprised at the smugness and judgemental attitudes of some posters on here. I'm not in OP's position but can quite easily understand how she's feeling about not being wanted or desired. It's part and parcel of a relationship and always has been.

Yes, communication is the key but what do you do when your partner doesn't want to communicate with you? We don't call them 'rapey' for insisting that they DO communicate do we? We can refuse sex but, if we refuse communication as well then the relationship is done, no?

Some of the smuggers on this thread are statistically going to be in OP's position at some point and perhaps they'll understand then.

FrustratedFedUp, I quite like the idea of 'the game' because it might work but, if it doesn't, it will remind you that you are an attractive and desirable woman. There's no point continuing to encourage your husband to have sex with you if he doesn't want to but perhaps it's time to 'pull the drawbridge up' yourself for a bit whilst you consider the importance of your relationship. Without the sex, would it be viable? Is he still a man that you would want to share a life with, if not a bed?

No, don't have an affair, it will cause you more pain than you can imagine as well as any other people involved. It's not the answer.

An open marriage might be, ultimately, if you and your husband agree that you love each other and want to stay together. You don't have to live without sex and nobody has the right to insist that you do.

Have a conversation with your husband when he has time to listen and is awake enough to understand you and engage in the discussion. He does owe you this.

OP, I suggest you and your DH go to Relate for some counselling - it might help him become able to discuss your lack of sex life and what's really driving it.

There is NOTHING unsexier than someone pushing you for sex when you don't want it

This. OP, I was your husband. My ex pestered me continually. I loved him and wanted to have sex with him but for reasons I didn't understand at the time, I just didn't. The pestering made it worse. He had an affair and left. It has taken me years of therapy and self reflection to understand but for me, it was about the person he said he was vs. the person he actually was and the fact that I thought I had married the person he said he was but the reality was .....well, something else. Our relationship fell through the gap. In our case, there was no hope of working it out because of the affair. However, therapy both alone and together might have helped bridge that gap or supported us in going our,separate ways.

If you want to save your marriage you need to be clear about your expectations and timescales for tackling it. If he won't engage, you can still see a counsellor and work out what you need for you. Constant pestering for sex isn't the answer. If you love your DH how about considering what is going on for your husband and working out what it is he might need by way of emotional and practical support so he is back in a place where sex is something he wants rather than avoids?

Op being in a relationship where you feel constantly rejected is shit. Whether you are a man or a woman. I was in this position with my DH. He just wasn't interested and when we did occasionally DTT he just got it over and done with ASAP which made me feel even worse. I had a male friend who was in the same position, who's wife had moved into the spare room. We had both tried talking to our partners about the situation. My friend ended up being diagnosed with depression. His situation was a lot worse with absolutely no affection. We basically confided in each other and an emotional affair turned into a physical one. I felt guilty cos my DH was basically a good man and father. What the affair did for me is give me my self esteem back, I needed the feeling that someone was looking at me wanting to pull my clothes off, to see desire in their eyes rather than rejection. I'd almost forgotten what it is to have great sex rather than a quick grope and getting the deed over as quickly as possible. I think the affair saved my marriage, I wanted to feel like that with my DH. It slow progress but I've basically started not putting up with the occasional roll on roll off grope. Initiating sex at unusual times, telling my DH it's his turn to surprise me next time. The affair has given me the confidence to express my needs. I'm not prepared to live a life where I feel like a sex pest asking DH for sex so hopefully things will continue to improve. My friends wife is still in the spare room (friend suspects she's biding her time until their DS is 16 and will then divorce). Yes anyone has the right to not have sex but sex is extremely important to others and that person can't then be affronted if after all efforts the rejected partner seeks solace in the arms of another or leaves. OP don't let yourself be forced into losing self esteem, your DH constantly rejecting you like this without any communication is horrible (yes I would and have said the same if the roles were reversed) and very selfish of your man. Either get out of the relationship altogether or get your self esteem back to give you the confidence to tackle this in your relationship.

I'm really surprised at the smugness and judgemental attitudes of some posters on here.

Oh well. It's actually quite laughable seeing the excuses being made for the OP just because she's a woman. Face it, if it was a man he wouldn't have any excuses made for him.

Bloody hell this thread really does have it all...he may be gay, he may have mental illness, what if the genders were reversed shock horror!

OP I think you need tosit down and tell him in no uncertain terms you are seriously considering your future together. It will either give him a kick up the bum and make him see how hes really making you feel or give him the excuse he is looking for to get out of your marriage. I have a feeling the latter is more likely but good luck either way

As others have said this issue should not be about gender.

Constant physical rejection whether you are a man or woman is painful to deal with.

OP and her husband of only one year are extremely out of synch and whilst you can't die of lack of sex it can drive you insane because you start to obsess about it. It becomes a huge issue for both parties and can be highly polarising. It's incredibly difficult to talk about the issue constructively, both parties are going to be feeling awkward, embarrassed and defensive.

OP, it sounds like it's become an all or nothing situation for you in relation to full on sex or nothing. Taking the example you gave where you tried to instigate some intimate physical contact. You put yourself in a vulnerable situation as you knew there was a strong chance of rejection and when it happened you felt wounded and withdrew. When you're feeling dejected, it's hard to put aside your feelings of hurt and resume a loving affectionate demeanour so chances are the day is spoilt and you both are entrenched in your default emotions. It becomes a vicious cycle.

OP, as a first step and as someone else also suggested, go see a counsellor by yourself and talk this through with someone directly. This should equip you with the language to start a conversation with your husband constructively which may lead to you having couples therapy to explore how far you are both willing to compromise to make your marriage work.

If you can't reach a mutually acceptable common ground then you should part company as amicably as possible and give yourself a chance to find someone else who might be a better match for you.

Take heart from the fact there are plenty of people who relate to what you're going through and this sadly is not an uncommon situation.

But you have the means and power to do something about it and manage the outcome one way or the other. Life's too short. Good luck with it.

It is the refusal to discuss, to try and compromise that is, IMHO, the real problem... it smacks of "I don't care that you are upset" which is a big problem in relationships no matter which partner is behaving in this way, this is not about sex, it's about consideration and communication...

Nothing wrong with touching or encouraging touching if you're trying to get loving unless the other person isn't interested or isn't in the mood. I think that needs to be the kind of thing you both enjoy, or you need to have read the situation very well. So when your man was reluctant to touch you, you needed to get the message and leave him be. Some guys would love that, he clearly didn't on that occasion.

But no man or woman should be made to feel as desperate as you clearly feel. Your actions weren't right but your husband is being selfish. Him not wanting sex isn't the reason for you to get mad, the problem is his lack of willingness to face up to it. Stringing along your partner because you won't deal with the issue isn't fair and surely isn't a partnership. Sex is an important part of a relationship for many people and many wouldn't commit to a relationship if they knew from the start there'd be none. While there could be many reasons for people to go off sex or not want it, if the situation isn't mutually pleasing then the least people can do for their relationship is communicate and work on the problem.

OP, what your husband is saying is "I'm not interested in having sex with you for reasons only I know and I know it's hurting you but I'm still not prepared to do anything about it." If he's too embarrassed to sort the issue for his wife, he'll never deal with it.

Personally I'd feel far more pressured and coerced into having sex I didn't want if my partner was threatening to leave, than if they were putting my hand on their boob every now and then to try and entice me.

For those saying it's not a need because we won't die if we don't have sex; that is setting a very low bar for what constitutes a need and misunderstands that this kind of dynamic is not just about the sex itself for the rejected partner. We all need to feel loved, wanted, and appreciated by our partners and being constantly rejected can feel utterly soul destroying.

OP you're in a horrible situation. Ultimately your partner has to understand how much this is hurting you, and open up and communicate to the point that you both understand why this dynamic is occurring. If it's really just a case of mismatched libidos, perhaps a compromise can be agreed that works for you both, or maybe your libidos are simply so mismatched that breaking up is the only option. If it's something else entirely, then things may get better naturally if that issue can be fixed.

to OP

You have good holidays together. That's it. It doesn't sound like you are that into each other to me.

Can you see yourself starting over and finding someone you connect with in more ways? Do you see him opening up and communicating with you so you can work through this phase and find some common ground and passion?

It boils down to the the choices: stay and work on it; stay together and don't work on it; leave.

I'm not too sure the whole "if you don't shag me regularly I'm gonna leave" is something that will be received well.

The issue is a lack of intimacy, one he doesn't want to acknowledge and reacts angrily if she mentions it. It's possibly something about himself he doesn't like or is embarrassed about.

Clearly he has a low libido, possibly always has. I'd talk about it in the wider context of the relationship, over a glass of wine together, with the focus not on sex.

Great post cheeseandpineapple

'Clearly he has a low libido' - no reason to think this. Every chance he has not been honest about his sexual preferences, is having sex with someone else, or is addicted to porn and enjoying his own private wankathon.

I think that the OP is getting some unduly harsh responses, and I would still think that if the genders of the parties were reversed. Nobody should be pressured into having sex, but refusing to communicate on the subject if you are in a longterm relationship is not fair or constructive. Most people, male or female, would find it difficult to be on the receiving end of that behaviour.

I think the first bloke who comes along and shows you some affection, flirts with you, shows desire for you - and you will be severely tempted. I would, in your position.
So before that happens, you need a make or break discussion - if he refuses to open up or tell you why he is inflicting celibacy on both of you, then pack your bags and leave. There's much more to life than this joyless sexless marriage you are currently trapped in.

Please take the advice on finding a way for you both to communicate through this problem.
But, by putting his hand in boob etc/ assuming a lie-in = sex you are setting yourself up for a fall. You want him to instigate and you are pressuring him. By you driving any contact you are automatically dismissing as it is not providing the validation you want and driving him into a corner.
I hope you find a way forward.

Just get out OP. This isn't going to get better. If you have kids it will be even worse. I know in my case my DH does suffer with work stress and watches porn too much, although it's not quite so bad and we are both exhausted (he's also mildly autistic). I think a half decent sex life is a reasonable expectation for married life, it does seem to cement us emotionally and get us back in tune. Withdrawing will just end up with affairs/divorce. That goes for men and women, I never understand why men are berrated for asking for similar advice. If someone doesn't want sex anymore they have that right but they also owe it to their partner to explain so there's a choice. False hope and broken promises will just break trust further. Sex is all a big negotiation and open communication is a must. Groping is fine by me, not assault, but other couple have their own boundaries.

We don't call them 'rapey' for insisting that they DO communicate do we?

That hasnt happened. No where has anyone said she is being a sex pest for wanting to talk. Its the behaviour

Have you found out what the real issue is?

I'm actually on your side here but, have been shot down before on this topic. The advice generally seems to be that you need to connect with him again & stop pestering him for sex as you're not entitled to it & seeing him as a sex object & not a human being

It's not just the lack of sex that appears to be the problem, you don't seem to feel that you have a real partner in life

Why don't you sit and down and ask him if he really wants to be in this relationship?