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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To tell my husband that if he doesn't start showing interest, I want a divorce?

237 replies

FrustratedFedUp · 07/01/2017 09:57

Husband never into sex. I have to instigate it every time. He denies this and says he does instigate but when he does, it's after I've been moaning at him about it so it's still not exactly him doing it off his own back, it's him doing it out of duty.

On a night he won't come to bed until he's tired enough to sleep. I go about 11, suggest that he comes with me on occasion and he makes excuses and comes much later. By then, we're both too tired.

On the rare occasion that we get a lie in together he stays asleep until well into the morning. If I try and wake him he says he's still waking up an hour or so later. In the end I get bored and get up.

This morning - feeling so frustrated I put his hand on my boob. He touched me for a bit but kept stopping. I tried to keep him going but he wasn't even looking at me, still laid with his head in the pillow, eyes closed, no interest at all.

In the end I asked him what the problem was. Why is he never into it? Why does he never show any interest in me? Why is it such hard work??? He said I was shit stirring and mood swinging and said he was into it until I spoilt it by moaning but he clearly wasn't!!! He kept stopping, wasn't even looking at me, never tried to instigate anything else - it was ducking obvious he wasn't into it and that's why I got him to stop because it just started to feel awkward.

He stormed downstairs in the end and I've told him that if he doesn't start showing an interest I'll leave.

I feel so rejected. I'm only 35, not overweight or anything different to what I was when he met me (when we had a sex life!!). He's 10 years older than me. I feel like I'm missing out. I'm laid here on a Saturday morning feeling alone, rejected and frustrated. He makes no effort at all.

The other day I found myself so frustrated I started searching for porn. I feel like shit. Never had to beg for intimacy before. AIBU to tell him that if he doesn't make the effort I want a divorce? I don't want to live like this. I'll end up having an affair and that's not me.

OP posts:
babymouse · 07/01/2017 11:58

You've been married for less than a year. He isn't willing to discuss this with you. He doesn't show you affection in non-sexual situations. It seems like you are not sexuality compatible and that is enough to get a divorce. You are too young to be in a sexless marriage - leave and find the person you are meant to be with.

ToEarlyForDecorations · 07/01/2017 12:02

OP when did he get the upper hand to starve you of affection and sex like this ? Furthermore to the other hand he won't discuss it. Oh yeah, it's all about the man's needs isn't it ? Even when the need is for no sex, guess what, that's what happens too.

When did he get permission to make you feel rejected, unloved, unwanted, unsexy, neutered ?

On the happiest day of your life of course, your wedding day.

Whisky2014 · 07/01/2017 12:02

rent well, if im not wanting to have sex and he is..what can i do? I did tell him after a couple of nights of this that i thought it was rude and i when we went throgj the phase of only me wanting sex i didnt lay beside himnand use my vibrator! He took the hint after that. He did always stop after i said "no" too but i definitely made it clear i wasnt up for it on several occasionas but he would only stop if i actually said the word "no". However, i realise i have portrayed him quite badly here but he is actually a genuinley lovely man. It is very difficult to get through a phase like this i think and is a vicious cycle. I think the op should completely stop all attempt at sex, no mention of it, actually become a bit more distant from her husband and i think he will come back to her.

ImperialBlether · 07/01/2017 12:02

I find some of the posts on absolutely unbelievable. The OP is asking for help and people are implying she's a rapist!

OP, are you happy with him generally? When did he stop initiating sex? I think a lot of women know the humiliation of being rejected sexually and find it turns to stopping wanting to be with that person.

Can you think what your life would be like without him? Out there is someone who'd be loving and affectionate - I think those days have gone with this man.

MikeUniformMike · 07/01/2017 12:12

OP, would your husband agree to marriage counselling?
If the rest of your relationship is OK then it could help.

RentANDBills · 07/01/2017 12:15

Whisky2014 ok, I was half expecting you to come back and be all "well, he is a man with needs!" - completely unacceptable for him to say, but you obviously know him best - and if its out of character?

FrustratedFedUp · 07/01/2017 12:16

Thanks Blether. Can't believe people think I'm a sex abuser.

He stopped instigating very early on in our relationship to be honest but I found that if I instigated, he would get into it so got by like that. After a while he started rejecting my advances a lot which was fine, but did start to knock my confidence. I backed right off thinking if I stop showing interest, he'll come back but he never did. Out of frustration I started instigating again but he was rejecting it more and more. Past few months have been awful because I got sick of rejection so backed right off again. Sex life almost completely dried up so out of desperation this morning I tried to instigate. He went along with it when I could tell he didn't really want to. It was awful and I just told him to stop. Then he turned it back onto me saying he was happy to continue but I stopped it. He clearly couldn't be arsed!! I don't want to be an inconvenience machine that needs servicing every now and again. As if I don't feel shit enough already.

I have invisioned life without him yes. Sounds awful but I don't imagine it to be that bad, even though I love him. I sometimes imagine us splitting and me feeling free to find someone who actually WANTS me.

OP posts:
MyWineTime · 07/01/2017 12:20

You will never improve your sex life with ultimatums and nagging. Sex isn't even the main problem in your relationship so by focussing on it, you're making it worse.

It is a big concern that you have only been married a year - that doesn't bode well.

The only way to work on this is to remove the issue of sex completely and work on the lack of connection in your relationship. Ban sex. No nagging, no hinting, no pestering - NO SEXUAL CONTACT at all.
Then work on increasing affection and communication. This will make the affection safe as he will know there is a guarantee that it will not lead to anything else so he can relax and enjoy it.
Build very slowly from there but it will only work if he actually wants to improve things.

Your approach to this seems far too direct and confrontational - that is why he is being defensive. You need a far more indirect and gentle approach.

If that doesn't work, he's not interested in you and you are better off leaving.

TheWitTank · 07/01/2017 12:22

OP, don't blame yourself. It could be as simple an issue as just not being a "sexual" person (my male friend who is asexual puts it this way). A low sex drive does not mean he finds you unattractive. Some people just are not that into sex -same way as some would enjoy it every day.
I agree that if you are incompatible and you feel this bad/low it may be best to call it a day -for both of your sakes. Counselling may be a good idea if he will agree.

Miserylovescompany2 · 07/01/2017 12:22

KayTee87

Thank you for adding a very informative video. I guess, OP's husband doesn't want TEA! So force feeding him it isn't a good idea :(

We all have the right to say no. No-one should be forcing their NEED on an other. Talk about the problem in an adult way.

ToEarlyForDecorations · 07/01/2017 12:24

He stopped instigating very early on in our relationship

Bingo

He did just enough to reel you in and get married then when he couldn't cope with heterosexual sex anymore your sex life ended at his instigation.

Don't be held prisoner like this.

ToEarlyForDecorations · 07/01/2017 12:26

Oh, and guess what, it's your fault for being a normal functioning adult female.

However, I was forgetting once again that it's only men who have NEEDS. Seems that you better believe that when their need is not to have sex, that happens too.

ToastDemon · 07/01/2017 12:26

MyWineTime why should OP do all the work to make the relationship healthy again? There are two people in the marriage.
OP I think it's a perfectly valid choice to call it a day if he won't have sex and won't discuss it. I can't really see what else you are meant to do.
To be honest his behaviour sounds like a headfuck.

Fluffycloudland77 · 07/01/2017 12:30

Well I'd better tell Dh to stop touching me unless I've given him full written consent otherwise he's a sex pest.

Some of you are completely mad. It must take ages to have sex if you include signing a consent form each time.

Op, a friend of mine had a fiancé like this and did cheat in the end because it was horrible to feel so unwanted & unloved. It's fine not to have sex if neither of you want to. If not it's a bit shit all round.

You don't sound very happy though.

Whisky2014 · 07/01/2017 12:30

Rent, yes, it's not like hom really and i was a bit shocked at how he was going about it. I did remind him that his phase lasted about a year and i didnt pester him the way he was doing to me. I think for a while he just had a wank more often whenever i took the dog for a walk..fine by me! I started wanting more sex only when he backed off.
When he became uninterested for that year we had gone from sex daily to absolute 0. I couldnt understand it at all and did pester him a hut thinking he would come around but no. It came back as strong just as quickly as it did when it disappeared.
I think the key is communication though. If either of us go through a "dry" phase we still tell each other we love them and fancy them. Just a bit if reassurance, you know?

KarmaNoMore · 07/01/2017 12:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fairenuff · 07/01/2017 12:31

OP why did you marry him bearing in mind that he has been like this throughout your whole relationship?

You committed to a lifetime of this and I'm just wondering why.

SurgerplumSprinklePants · 07/01/2017 12:35

OP my ex was like this. I divorced him. Lack of sex/intimacy is actually one of the acceptable ground for divorce under unreasonalble behaviour. He made me feel unsexy and unwanted, my self esteem totally went out of the window. He would never talk about it.

I do not think you are an abuser of any kind. I regularly grab my DH hand and place it where i want it. 9 times out of 10 i get what i want. I have a high sex drive and without the itimacy and loving side to my relationship i would be very unhappy, luckily i found what i needed with my second husband.

Maybe you need to speak to a relationship counsellor to figure out what your next steps are going to be. Can you see yourself like this in a years time, 5 years time? Surly you will only grow to resent him more. You're young enough to find a person who wants and adores you and cant get enough!

Flowers
showmetheminstrels · 07/01/2017 12:36

This thread is mental. Just mental.

OP you're both normal decent people I'm sure, and it sounds like you love each other and do enjoy each other's company- you're just not on the same page with this.

When the dust has settled, ask to sit down and talk about it calmly. Explain how hard you're finding the lack of intimacy and ask if he would normally see sexual intimacy as part of marriage. If he says no you've got a problem, but if he says says, ask him to commit with you to finding ways to solve things.

Go with suggestions. You may include things like going to see a therapist together, getting his testosterone levels checked, agreeing to a weekly date night, or massages, or whatever. There may be other things going on in life at the moment killing his libido. If I am tired mine shoots out the window. At the time I couldn't care less but I know my husband does so to be kind to him I need to work on getting some better quality sleep so that it comes back. That's the reality of marriage over the course of a lifetime; sometimes one party has more of a part to play than others etc. If he loves you he should be willing to play his reasonable part to make your marriage work.

KarmaNoMore · 07/01/2017 12:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

toldmywraath · 07/01/2017 12:47

OP did your DH have several hetero relationships before meeting you? I hate to cast aspersions, but I wonder if he is not being straight with you (literally?) Flowers

Fairenuff · 07/01/2017 12:48

I know that Karma but at the point of marrying someone, you generally are committing to them and I was wondering why OP did that when she already had this sexual imbalance in the relationship.

formerbabe · 07/01/2017 12:54

Honestly, there's no way I'd stay in a completely sexless marriage. It sounds miserable and soul destroying.

I also think if you're sexually incompatible, then surely no amount of talking or counselling can change that?

NewPapaGuinea · 07/01/2017 12:57

Has he always been like this or is it fairly recent? Diet, exercise, stress amongst other factors can affect hormones and sex drive. His unwillingness to talk may be because he knows there's a problem and is embarassed to talk about it. Putting the pressure on will make him clam up even more. If he thinks that by showing you intimacy will result in expectations for sex he'll back right off.

Perhaps offer a back and head massage and make it clear you aren't expecting anything from it, just to help him relax and unwind. It'll may make him appreciate your touch again and you can slowly progress to more intimacy.

Jux · 07/01/2017 12:58

I think your relationship is over, at least your living-together-relationship. Perhaps you will be better together if you live as sharers?

At the moment you ARE becoming a sex pest, and you need to stop that.