Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To tell my husband that if he doesn't start showing interest, I want a divorce?

237 replies

FrustratedFedUp · 07/01/2017 09:57

Husband never into sex. I have to instigate it every time. He denies this and says he does instigate but when he does, it's after I've been moaning at him about it so it's still not exactly him doing it off his own back, it's him doing it out of duty.

On a night he won't come to bed until he's tired enough to sleep. I go about 11, suggest that he comes with me on occasion and he makes excuses and comes much later. By then, we're both too tired.

On the rare occasion that we get a lie in together he stays asleep until well into the morning. If I try and wake him he says he's still waking up an hour or so later. In the end I get bored and get up.

This morning - feeling so frustrated I put his hand on my boob. He touched me for a bit but kept stopping. I tried to keep him going but he wasn't even looking at me, still laid with his head in the pillow, eyes closed, no interest at all.

In the end I asked him what the problem was. Why is he never into it? Why does he never show any interest in me? Why is it such hard work??? He said I was shit stirring and mood swinging and said he was into it until I spoilt it by moaning but he clearly wasn't!!! He kept stopping, wasn't even looking at me, never tried to instigate anything else - it was ducking obvious he wasn't into it and that's why I got him to stop because it just started to feel awkward.

He stormed downstairs in the end and I've told him that if he doesn't start showing an interest I'll leave.

I feel so rejected. I'm only 35, not overweight or anything different to what I was when he met me (when we had a sex life!!). He's 10 years older than me. I feel like I'm missing out. I'm laid here on a Saturday morning feeling alone, rejected and frustrated. He makes no effort at all.

The other day I found myself so frustrated I started searching for porn. I feel like shit. Never had to beg for intimacy before. AIBU to tell him that if he doesn't make the effort I want a divorce? I don't want to live like this. I'll end up having an affair and that's not me.

OP posts:
MarmiteDoesYouGood · 07/01/2017 11:42

He probably isn't into you that way any more. After a while it's possible to love somebody but not be IN LOVE with them in a romantic, sexual attraction kind of way. It happened to me in all of my pre-marriage relationships.

ToEarlyForDecorations · 07/01/2017 11:43

However it is STILL not about me or you for that matter.

Sorry about all the humiliating bullshit posts you've had to read about people criticising you for DARING you to have a sex drive or wanting affection from you husband. WOMAN KNOW YOUR PLACE.

Back to the 1930's for you, ask MilkTwoSugarsPlease to drive you there.

user1478860582 · 07/01/2017 11:43

Ok, OP. You've been married less than a year. I think that puts a different slant on it.

It does sound as though he is holding you at arms length. As to why is what you need to figure out. I can imagine in your situation you're extremely upset and bewildered.

You're not a sex pest. You're not actually being unreasonable. You're upset, worried and possibly feeling a very let down. He may be having similar thoughts.

Unfortunately a shit storm on here isn't helping.

Pick a sensible poster or two that's not pushing there own agenda and PM them?

BakeOffBiscuits · 07/01/2017 11:43

I put his hand on my boob

Fucking hell! You are a sex pest and I'm glad you're now realising that.

reallyanotherone · 07/01/2017 11:43

It can be a vicious cycle.

I have a similar issue, reversed, with dh. At one point i had pretty much totally withdrawn from the relationship- even though he wasn't actively pressuring or nagging, i knew if I showed the slightest encouragement, any physical affection instigated by me, then he'd take a chance. If i gave him a hug he'd hold on too long, try and rub against me, make some sort of comment.

Little things like "jokes" about not getting any made me back off more.

3 months is not long enough, ime. I'd just start to relax and feel better about not being pressured, and start to think we could be physical without the sex expectations. Then the 3 months was up, i'd give him a hug in bed, and it would start up again.

What has worked is him totally backing off. No expectation, no jokes, comments, no time limit. He has waited nearly a year, and i am only just starting to feel safe that it won't lead to an attempt for sex if i hug or kiss him. Also that i can say no at any point without it leading to a huff.

It's taken a very long time to build that trust again, and for him to understand that i need to be physically comfortable.

He also used to do the hand on dick thing. I hated it. Would half heartedly try, then stop, then he'd try to get me to start again, i'd give in, exactly as you describe. What made it worse is I knew i wasn't into it, and i'd basically be there helping him wank while getting nothing out of it, or even being given a chance to get into it.

pipsqueak25 · 07/01/2017 11:45

sorry, but i don't recall the op ever mentioning what things were like before they married, was the sex ok then ? if it was, what do you think has changed ? perhaps dh doesn't want dc and this is an awkward way of telling you. [sticks head over parapet] is it possible dh is actually gay and thought getting married might 'sort things out' [it wouldn't be the first time]. and i'm asking because no one seems to have asked, and the answers might be relevant.

ToEarlyForDecorations · 07/01/2017 11:45

OP needs to understand how wrong her actions are - then she can work on fixing things, even if walking away from the marriage is the answer

Wow, just wow MilkAndTwoSugarsPlease

Scooby20 · 07/01/2017 11:46

I instigate sex by kissing him. And it goes from there.

You don't have to wait for him to start it. But as the situation is as it is. Grabbing his hand and putting on your boob then getting angry, isnt ok.

Its not ok for him to just stone wall you either. That would bother me more.

You need to try and talk without the blame 'you dont do this' 'its your fault'.

If he refuses to engage then, thats the problem there.

fulberoo · 07/01/2017 11:48

TooEarly I'm getting the impression that you genuinely think there are different rules for men and women on this issue. Don't you think women are capable of sexual harassment or something?

WorraLiberty · 07/01/2017 11:49

ToEarly you're taking goady to an entirely new level here.

Really not helpful to the OP at all.

But as long as you score points against Milk hmm? Hmm

FrustratedFedUp · 07/01/2017 11:49

The more I think about it the more I wonder what we actually DO do together.

We both work full time. On an evening DH plays on the computer for an hour or so and then we watch TV. Repeat for the rest of the week. We don't go out unless it's to something he wants to do so I kind of feel like a convenient mate sometimes. That one mate that's guaranteed to come out with you because they have nothing else going on.

Saturdays are spent him watching to / playing on computer or shopping and housework. Again, we don't actually go out for the enjoyment of it. Sundays - I'm at my hobby from 10-12. He watches to/plays on computer/does DIY all day.

What DO we actually do together? We holiday a lot. And then we have an amazing time as we're not short of money and are lucky enough to be able to book a few exciting things through the year.

So my worry is, are we just together because we make good travel companions? What about the rest of the year? I don't know anymore.

OP posts:
ToastDemon · 07/01/2017 11:50

According to this thread my DH and I sexually assault each other frequently. Who knew.

RentANDBills · 07/01/2017 11:51

So ok, I stop putting his hand anywhere and I stop touching him unless he touches me first - I can guarantee that will be the end of whatever sex life we have.

And you know what, that's okay.

If by stopping instigating sex means you don't have any - that means he doesn't want to

And there's a special set of laws around having sexual contact with someone who doesn't want to - for good reason.

Scooby20 · 07/01/2017 11:51

reallyanotherone i could have written that post. It really is about trust. You are further along than we are and i hope we reach that place.

I found it pretty soul destroying.

TheWitTank · 07/01/2017 11:51

No glee here, I assure you. Just general disappointment at the hypocrisy (come on, however you dress it up or down it IS a subject that elicits entirely different responses based on gender) and the assumption that her husband must be having an affair, wanking off to porn or be some kind of sexual deviant rather than having a stress or tiredness or medical issue. I sympathise with the OP. It's the double standards applied I can't stand.
Op, you absolutely need to get this sorted. You need to decide if you want to try and sort this out with a last effort at speaking with him and arranging counselling or for him to seek advice or if you want to move on. Don't have an affair. If you want to leave then leave Flowers

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 07/01/2017 11:51

ToEarlyForDecorations

Waving the flag for harried and harassed men? What part of me being in the abused one in my marriage didn't you understand?

Guavaf1sh · 07/01/2017 11:51

This thread is fascinating as it exposes the hypocrisy of a purely male or female narrative for this. Almost every relationship needs intimacy to flourish and without it withers. There is also pestering for sex, assault and such that can occur in a relationship. When a man posts this kind of message the responses are very one sided then this message highlighted the gut reaction is the opposite reaction. The truth as ever is somewhere in the middle. It is refreshing to see so many recognise that after the laughable initial reaction to the OP

ToEarlyForDecorations · 07/01/2017 11:52

Married men better realise that, 'with my body I thee honour' cuts both ways.

Scooby20 · 07/01/2017 11:52

Well no toast yoir arent. Because you are both into it.

If one person clearly isnt, then its not ok

Whisky2014 · 07/01/2017 11:53

I have been on both sides. When my partner didn't want sex at all (wasnt watching porn either just had no sexual interest at all) and my sex drive was through the roof. Occasionally i tried it on and go no where so stopped trying as i was so humiliated, embarrassed and rejected. I did thknk about leaving. Then a project my bf had beeb working on came to and end and poof! Sex life back on track. Currently, i am going through a phase of beig not so interested any my bf has taken it badly. Although when i stopped trying it on with bim when be was going through his phase he doesnt. He keeps on and on pawing me, pressing his dick into me etc and i tell him no. He says he will just wank beside me then. Fortunately in the last 2 weeks we both seem to be in the same place sexually so all is well, but christ, it can be hard!

RentANDBills · 07/01/2017 11:53

ToastDemon so you and your husband frequently touch each other intimately when the other doesn't want it?
That's not a healthy relationship.

RentANDBills · 07/01/2017 11:54

ToEarlyForDecorations sounds like you're better off in that car to the 1930s by yourself.

RentANDBills · 07/01/2017 11:56

He keeps on and on pawing me, pressing his dick into me etc and i tell him no. He says he will just wank beside me then

WHAT?!! Whisky2014 That's not on! You shouldn't have to put up with that behaviour.

Lariflete · 07/01/2017 11:56

Both DH and I initiate sex but it's usually by kissing or a 'look' rather than physically grabbing each other. That is a massive turn off.

And I'm slightly shocked at some of the responses on here. You both need to be respectful of each other in a relationship and it sounds like neither of you are.

Strongmummy · 07/01/2017 11:57

Is he depressed I wonder? Apart from the sex how's your relationship? I have been there (and it did end in me having an affair as I felt totally excluded from his whole life and was desperate for attention). I told my husband and we had couples counselling. Now back on track.

Swipe left for the next trending thread