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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To tell my husband that if he doesn't start showing interest, I want a divorce?

237 replies

FrustratedFedUp · 07/01/2017 09:57

Husband never into sex. I have to instigate it every time. He denies this and says he does instigate but when he does, it's after I've been moaning at him about it so it's still not exactly him doing it off his own back, it's him doing it out of duty.

On a night he won't come to bed until he's tired enough to sleep. I go about 11, suggest that he comes with me on occasion and he makes excuses and comes much later. By then, we're both too tired.

On the rare occasion that we get a lie in together he stays asleep until well into the morning. If I try and wake him he says he's still waking up an hour or so later. In the end I get bored and get up.

This morning - feeling so frustrated I put his hand on my boob. He touched me for a bit but kept stopping. I tried to keep him going but he wasn't even looking at me, still laid with his head in the pillow, eyes closed, no interest at all.

In the end I asked him what the problem was. Why is he never into it? Why does he never show any interest in me? Why is it such hard work??? He said I was shit stirring and mood swinging and said he was into it until I spoilt it by moaning but he clearly wasn't!!! He kept stopping, wasn't even looking at me, never tried to instigate anything else - it was ducking obvious he wasn't into it and that's why I got him to stop because it just started to feel awkward.

He stormed downstairs in the end and I've told him that if he doesn't start showing an interest I'll leave.

I feel so rejected. I'm only 35, not overweight or anything different to what I was when he met me (when we had a sex life!!). He's 10 years older than me. I feel like I'm missing out. I'm laid here on a Saturday morning feeling alone, rejected and frustrated. He makes no effort at all.

The other day I found myself so frustrated I started searching for porn. I feel like shit. Never had to beg for intimacy before. AIBU to tell him that if he doesn't make the effort I want a divorce? I don't want to live like this. I'll end up having an affair and that's not me.

OP posts:
Bananabread123 · 07/01/2017 15:17

I don't believe the 'just get out' is reasonable... I certainly don't believe that people should stick in miserable, failed marriage, but if you marry someone, you should at least try to resolve issues between you. The issue here i think is the emotional distance between you and lack of real communication and understanding.... If you can't sort out the communication then you'll remain emotionally distant, and your sex lives won't improve... if you've tried your best to improve communication, and you're still nowhere, then it's time to think about calling it a day.

LucklessMonster · 07/01/2017 15:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LucklessMonster · 07/01/2017 15:18

Posted in the wrong thread, sorry!

Arealhumanbeing · 07/01/2017 15:29

Her behaviour is terrible.

She is being rapey.

She is a bullying sex pest.

Seriously?!

Ignore these people OP. Threads like yours tend to bring out the MRA types and their flying monkeys.

I hope you find a way through this. It must be very painful and difficult for you.

kittybiscuits · 07/01/2017 16:20

What Arealhumanbeing said. MRA attitude all over this thread.

SaucyJack · 07/01/2017 16:29

I'm happy to stand up for the rights of anyone of any sexual orientation or gender identity to be able to lay in their own bed without being subjected to unwanted sexual contact, or to not be accused of cock/clit teasing if they decline sex- or are not sending out clear enthusiastic consent.

Yes means yes, not no means no yadda yadda yadda.

ShastaBeast · 07/01/2017 16:31

The problem is at age 35 if the OP wants kids she will be considering this very soon. Having kids within this relationship will mean it's much harder to separate and definitely much harder to find a more suitable relationship in future. No marriage is perfect and I have worked through an awful lot with my own DH. However, a year in and no kids should be still honeymoon period. It sounds like the OP has tried an awful lot already. It sounds more like housemates/friends. I do know one woman who married an older man and found his lack of interest frustrating, I don't know how common that is but 35 is still young and facing a sexless marriage for the rest of your life is pretty depressing for many people. I realise a lot of people aren't bothered about sex, I met one young woman who found it a chore and didn't enjoy it at all, but it's ok to not want to stay within a relationship where sex drives are mismatched. It's not wrong to want a sex life in your marriage - that goes for men and women.

fulberoo · 07/01/2017 16:53

It's not MRA behaviour to suggest that the same attitudes expressed by a man about a woman would be flamed, or to point out a double standard. It's just that a couple of people on this thread are comfortable with that double standard and think it right and proper, as far as I can see.

Arealhumanbeing · 07/01/2017 17:14

It isn't a double standard.

There are many issues which are particular to men. Being sexually attacked in the home by their female partners, on the whole isn't one of them.

NothingIsOK · 07/01/2017 17:32

"He might not be straight".
Kerching! I call MN Bingo full house!

In all the many female op "I don't want sex but my dh pesters me" threads I have never seen it suggested that the op might be secretly gay.... or porn addicted, or having an affair, or obliged to accept the unwanted advances.

This thread thoroughly demonstrates the gender bias of a mainly single sex forum.

Sybys · 07/01/2017 17:33

The OP's post isn't unreasonable and deserves sympathy and advice.

The problem is that threads like this do expose the glaring hypocrisy of this forum; the difference between the responses on the first page of this thread are a world apart from similar threads posted by males is stark. People have noted this and it's caused a pretty big derailment. It would be a good standalone topic for another thread

I have sympathy for both the OP and her partner - I agree with others that there's nothing less sexy than feeling pestered or pressured into sex. I also think that for a lot of people, trying to actually have a blunt conversation about why your sex life is unfulfilling is counter-productive and adds to the sense of 'pressure' and makes sex more of an obligation.

All I can suggest is trying to get some basic intimacy back without pushing for sex, and see what happens. Frankly I'd drop the topic of sex because and just see if anything comes naturally from the intimacy, but accept that this might take time. If things don't improve, or if you're unable to even feel intimate together, then you might ultimately have to call time on the marriage

MyWineTime · 07/01/2017 17:39

ToastDemon It's not all down to the OP, I said in my post that he has to want to improve things, it's not all down to her, but she has to stop her current approach because it is making the situation worse.

Fluffycloudland77 did you seriously think that anyone meant that consent needs to be agreed in writing or it must be assault? No-one suggested or even hinted at that. When you have a sex life that is on the verge of no-existant or very one-sided, then advances like that are unlikely to be welcomed.

It is perfectly reasonable to desire and expect a sexual relationship with your partner.
It is crap feeling rejected and unloved. It is also crap being pestered for sex and arguments happening when you don't want to have sex.
They are both feeling crap and taking it out on each other rather than working together on trying to solve the problem. The OP is going to have to make the first move on non-confrontational communication because she is the one who has reached the end of her tether.

showmeislands · 07/01/2017 17:41

I really feel for you OP. I've been in a similar position myself in the past. I've always wanted to be faithful, but it ended up feeling far less like willing fidelity and more like enforced chastity.

I can totally see why how in situations like this, people do think about affairs, where there is such a mismatch between their sex drive and their partners, especially when the partner refuses to even discuss what is happening or work to improve it.

It strikes me as very selfish for a person to insist on a monogamous relationship if they have no intention of engaging sexually with the other person. It's almost like saying 'your body belongs to me, whether I want it or not.' Either there needs to be some willingness to talk about and work on improving the situation, to hopefully find some kind of happy medium, or if the person that does not want sex at all refuses to do this, surely it is not very reasonable to expect their partner to remain 'faithful'.

BoomBoomsCousin · 07/01/2017 17:43

If my husband put my hand on his chest in bed and I didn't want sex I wouldn't think of that as assault. I'd move it away. It's just a form of communication, an invitation that I can accept or reject. If he did it a lot and I rejected him a lot and refused to talk about it, I'd expect him to stop doing it eventually, but I'd also expect divorce.

Man10 · 07/01/2017 17:53

I'm a man, I'd be far more disgusted by an unwanted kiss than having my my hand placed on someones boob. (Can't imagine ever be bothered by the latter.)

All you women who instigate sex by planting unsolicited kisses on your partners are clearly a bit rapey.

(Not really, just my way of highlighting some of the bat-shitness in this thread.)

MyKidsHaveTakenMySanity · 07/01/2017 18:00

Another one here in a he exact situation. Like, EXACT. I honestly read through wondering if I had posted and forgot about it. It's no help of course but I wanted to say good luck. I'm considering secretly doping my man with Horny Goat Weed Grin
(That's a Joke for those who don't realise)

MsStricty · 07/01/2017 18:01

It sounds like you've devolved from a polarity-based attraction to one that is more like siblings. Or you're becoming his mother. When this happens, there's an intervention needed because sex, unconsciously, becomes a transgression.

user1476194084 · 07/01/2017 18:03

Oh - so it's not just me - my husband went off sex within a year of marriage - always my job to instigate and then very unsatisfactory all round Blush.
I gave up in the end and did file for divorce (there was lots of other problems in the marriage too) - still no sex as I am now single but at least i don't have to sleep next to a snoring hippo!
Hope you sort it out - just do whatever is right for you

WaitrosePigeon · 07/01/2017 18:03

YANBU. It would be a deal breaker for me too.

Brandnewstart · 07/01/2017 18:12

My ex was exactly like your DP. I felt so rejected and upset and asked again and again what the issue was... never found out but he ended up having an affair which hurt incredibly.
I really wish I had left much earlier but we have kids so didn't want to disrupt their lives. I am now with someone who fancies me and we have loads of sex. All I can guess it that for some reason he wanted sex, just not with me.
My advice would be to leave and not try and fix it. I wasted so much time.

Fairenuff · 07/01/2017 18:18

I just think that, unless OP comes back to her thread to say why she actually married this man, knowing that he was disinterested in sex with her, there is little to be gained from the discussion.

There is obviously so much more to this.

goose1964 · 07/01/2017 18:36

Men don't think the same way as women, they don't see the point of cuddles etc . Just sounds like your husband has a low sex drive, you need to sit down and talk to him about how important non sexual physical contact is to you

MsStricty · 07/01/2017 19:53

Agreed, Fairenuff

Sometimes sexual aversion runs both ways, despite outward appearances. Sometimes we choose partners who will reject us, because deep down that's what we have chosen for ourselves.

Sybys · 07/01/2017 19:54

Really goose ? I'd accept that women are, on average, more into cuddling than men, but I'd think the majority of men do enjoy cuddling.

MrsMattBomer · 07/01/2017 20:11
Flowers

YANBU at all.