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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To tell my husband that if he doesn't start showing interest, I want a divorce?

237 replies

FrustratedFedUp · 07/01/2017 09:57

Husband never into sex. I have to instigate it every time. He denies this and says he does instigate but when he does, it's after I've been moaning at him about it so it's still not exactly him doing it off his own back, it's him doing it out of duty.

On a night he won't come to bed until he's tired enough to sleep. I go about 11, suggest that he comes with me on occasion and he makes excuses and comes much later. By then, we're both too tired.

On the rare occasion that we get a lie in together he stays asleep until well into the morning. If I try and wake him he says he's still waking up an hour or so later. In the end I get bored and get up.

This morning - feeling so frustrated I put his hand on my boob. He touched me for a bit but kept stopping. I tried to keep him going but he wasn't even looking at me, still laid with his head in the pillow, eyes closed, no interest at all.

In the end I asked him what the problem was. Why is he never into it? Why does he never show any interest in me? Why is it such hard work??? He said I was shit stirring and mood swinging and said he was into it until I spoilt it by moaning but he clearly wasn't!!! He kept stopping, wasn't even looking at me, never tried to instigate anything else - it was ducking obvious he wasn't into it and that's why I got him to stop because it just started to feel awkward.

He stormed downstairs in the end and I've told him that if he doesn't start showing an interest I'll leave.

I feel so rejected. I'm only 35, not overweight or anything different to what I was when he met me (when we had a sex life!!). He's 10 years older than me. I feel like I'm missing out. I'm laid here on a Saturday morning feeling alone, rejected and frustrated. He makes no effort at all.

The other day I found myself so frustrated I started searching for porn. I feel like shit. Never had to beg for intimacy before. AIBU to tell him that if he doesn't make the effort I want a divorce? I don't want to live like this. I'll end up having an affair and that's not me.

OP posts:
Pinkponiesrock · 07/01/2017 10:49

I can't believe how different the responses are when a woman posts about this compared to a man!!!!
If a man posts then it's date nights, taking more of a share of the house work/childcare, weekends away to reconnect but if a woman says they're not happy with their sex life then man should just put out?!!
If he'd taken your hand and put it down his pants and grabbed you while your doing the dishes then their would be outcry at not respecting you, entitlement, abuse, LTB.
Anyway I think you do need to find some way to discuss it and get to the root of the issue, be it through counselling or another mean.
You have the same age gap as my DH and I so I don't think that's a factor. Admittedly we don't do it as frequently as we did pre children but it's by no means disappeared.

LucklessMonster · 07/01/2017 10:51

By the way, I would feel humiliated and violated when he pushed his erection into my back in the mornings.

If he had placed my hand on his penis?? Jesus christ. Don't do the boob thing again, please.

Pinkponiesrock · 07/01/2017 10:51

Thankfully x posted with some!

hollmes · 07/01/2017 10:52

Maybe stop nagging him for a set period, maybe 3 or 6 months?

Instead of nagging or threatening divorce, start doing things that would attract a new man, to see if it attracts him. Be more independent, take up a hobby, perhaps one in the evenings to take your mind off the sex. If you can afford it buy some new clothes that you feel really attractive in, dress up a bit even when you usually wouldn't etc.

I did this and eventually my DH started wanting sex again. Nagging him had stressed him out and turning him off, he was avoiding it at all costs. So I played a sort of game in my head, like the initial months of dating when you fret over exactly what to wear and how to do your hair and so on. It may have just kept me occupied while trying not to.

HeWoreAGirlsCardigan · 07/01/2017 10:55

In your shoes I would consider this relationship at an end OP. I had this with my ex.(your post could have been mine) We were not married. We separated amicably. I was starting to dislike what I had become. He was bringing out the worst in me and I could see that.

SummerHouse · 07/01/2017 10:55

nothing and nap good points well made.

KayTee87 · 07/01/2017 10:57

If you were a man people would be telling you you were out of order. It is not ok to pressure someone into having sex with you and go in a mood when they don't consent.
If my husband woke me up for sex and put my hand on his dick after I declined and continued to pester me I'd be furious.

Things you can do are ask if he would like to go for counselling to get to the route of the problem or you can leave.

Things you can't do are pressure someone into having sex with you and go in a mood when they don't want to.

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 07/01/2017 10:58

I have been in the opposite situation, where I have been the one without a sex drive because of my anxiety medication. DH has been sad and hurt when he instigates sex and I'm not interested, so I sometimes have gone along with it just to please him and it is shit. I have spoken to him outside the bedroom and told him my meds have killed my sex drive, and he understands that because he had a period of ED caused by tablets he was on a few years ago. But in our case, communication has been the thing that has helped. I do sometimes feel like having sex, but just not very often.

Doesn't mean I don't love and fancy DH, just that I don't want to be intimate and would happily just cuddle, but I worry that it would lead to him getting excited and wanting to go further. Whilst I know he would only take it further if he could see I was interested, I think it's unfair to put him in that position.

I hold out for the hope that it's a temporary blip and I will regain my libido.

formerbabe · 07/01/2017 10:58

It's not unreasonable to not want sex...No one should have sex unless they want to.

I do however think it is unreasonable not to address the issue if your partner does want sex.

pipsqueak25 · 07/01/2017 10:59

for goodness sake don't have an affair, it'll make things worse, along with the 'pestering' and 'nagging' for sex. it seems there is a back story on his side, it might be ow, might be porn, but yo don't have to live like it.
think about making plans to separate and use you energy in that direction

TheWitTank · 07/01/2017 11:01

Agree with PP, the hypocrisy on this thread is unbelievable. Can you imagine if it was a man posting and he said he kept putting his wife hand on his penis? There would be uproar and rape/assault accusations, op being called an abuser etc. As for the 'he must be watching porn' Hmm. Yes, because that is why ALL men don't want sex. FGS.
Op, you need to stop nagging and pushing him for sex. It is upping the stress level and nothing kills the mood more. Talk to him properly and explain how you feel and how important this is to you. I hope you can get it sorted.

Scooby20 · 07/01/2017 11:02

Fwiw me dh nearly split earlier this year because he did exactly the things the op did.

Nobody is forced into being a sex pest. And i found dh being like that a complete turn off. And discussing it is fine, when its based around 'its your fault' its not going anywhere and not going to be productive.

Luckily my dh got his head out of his arse and realised his behaviour was pretty shit and is quite upset at himself.

Giving me space has actually helped alot.

ToEarlyForDecorations · 07/01/2017 11:03

He said I was shit stirring and mood swinging

Interesting. So there IS something the matter. It's just that he won't or can't tell you. I can see, 'look, just don't make a fuss' in between the lines there.

He's probably happy with the way things are i.e. all the custom and practice of how your household goes along.

He doesn't fancy having sex with you (for whatever reason). He can do without the aggravation of the hurt feelings and row if he does, 'man up' and tell you, because he's to cowardly.

He would/will probably push all the blame on to you anyway i.e. phrases like, 'you're to demanding' or 'you want it all the time' or 'I always feel you are judging me and I'm never good enough'. All bullshit of course.

If he tells you, he already knows it will be the end of the relationship. He's putting that of for how long ? Ten years ? Twenty years ?

He's 45 and middle aged. If he's content not having sex (with you, I'm sorry to say) why should sex and affection be withheld from you as well ? All on his say so ?

Some men who have affairs, the implication is they are not getting it at home. No, more like they don't want it at home.

Blokes who keep getting the cold shoulder from their partner don't hang round long, you'll notice.

Also, don't give him the moral high ground by you having an affair. He will enjoy doing his, 'hurt puppy' routine.

If it's ED he may be to ashamed to go to his GP but no affection or foreplay either. Something is, ahem, up and he sure as shit ain't gonna tell you and break up his cosy little set up at home with you.

Your needs ? So what ? He's cool not having sex with you, end of story.

WorraLiberty · 07/01/2017 11:03

Another one who can't believe the breathtaking hypocrisy here.

And 'forced into being a sex pest'?

Really? Hmm

Scooby20 · 07/01/2017 11:03

I do however think it is unreasonable not to address the issue if your partner does want sex

But the issue, imo, the discussion is all about who is to blame. Thats not going to be helpful air encourage someone to engage.

RentANDBills · 07/01/2017 11:05

Like other PP, I'm horrified by the posters who seem to think that the OP's DH is in the wrong here, seemingly just because he is the male one.

OP, you need to figure out WHY your DH is behaving like this, as it is clearly not normal for him.

And if you're not interested in putting in the effort to understand his side (regardless of how immature you feel he is responding) then yes, you should leave - because that would clearly be better for both of you.

LucklessMonster · 07/01/2017 11:06

He would/will probably push all the blame on to you anyway i.e. phrases like, 'you're to demanding' or 'you want it all the time' or 'I always feel you are judging me and I'm never good enough'. All bullshit of course.

WTF? Are you for real?

PenguinsandPebbles · 07/01/2017 11:08

Nothing less attractive than a person nagging for sex.

You don't respect your husband if your nagging him until he feels he has to have sex with you, to basically keep you quiet (if you were a man you would be told this was rape) grabbing his hand and putting it on your body when he clearly does not want to have sex with you, is disgusting behaviour.

There might be all sorts of reasons he doesn't want sex, and they might not be that different to why sometimes women don't want sex with their husbands.

Yes it sucks being the one with the higher sex drive, when the other doesn't want to partake but you have to work with him on it, and if he doesn't want to work on it at all then you have to make a decision as to whether you can live in a sexless marriage or you will get a divorce

amammabear · 07/01/2017 11:08

My first thought was that he may have some mental health issues here.

I'm afraid my second though was that if a man did the same thing as you, it would probably be classed as abusive.

Whatever you do, don't keep trying to force him, that can never help the situation. Perhaps you could try counseling together?

lilybetsy · 07/01/2017 11:08

I had this; 14 months no sex, no cuddles, no intimacy. tried to discuss many many times. Got nowhere. He would NOT talk or discuss, just shouted at me. It was about the third reason on my 'reasons to leave' list, but the lack of any physical affection whatsoever made me utterly miserable and really affected my self esteem. I could have been ok with a cuddle, or if he would have discussed it. But nope. decision made by him that the rest of our lives would be sexless ... no thanks

Ohdearducks · 07/01/2017 11:09

Forced into being a sex pest? Take a moment to read that back and switch the genders Bitter.

The hypocrisy of mumsnet in full glory.

Woman doesn't want sex - he needs to let you be, give you space and stop bullying you. It's assault if he tries to make you carry on.
Man doesn't want sex - he must be a porn addict, get him seen by a medic and switch off the Internet, and how dare he force you to be a sex pest.

This a thousand times.
Your behaviour towards him is appalling OP, he doesn't want sex because of the bullying and pressure you're putting him under, he's not a piece of meat or sex toy made for you to play with.
Your sex drives are clearly incompatible and you've lost respect for him which is clear by the way you're treating him now.
It might be best to find someone more compatible, after you've ended this first obviously.

RentANDBills · 07/01/2017 11:10

ToEarlyForDecorations
man up
don't give him the moral high ground by you having an affair

Did you mean for your post to be so horrendously sexist and completely lack empathy?

FrustratedFedUp · 07/01/2017 11:10

I don't like being a sex pest. I have also been on the other side of it with an ex where I had no sex drive. He would go on about it constantly, every time we went to bed he'd try it on, he'd decide on a set time for it and say I'd agreed to it and it was a promise and then he'd go on about it all day. One occasion we'd took the kids to the park and he'd gone on about our "sex appointment" slll day. At one point the kids ran off and he said "don't forget about tonight, you promised!" And I lost my shit and screamed at him that the more he went on about it, the less likely he was to get it.

What worries me here is that in this situation I didn't want sex because I didn't love him or fancy him anymore.

I like the suggestion of playing a game of acting like you're trying to pull someone else. I might try that but I know full well if I don't instigate for a few months we won't have sex for a few months. I find myself thinking about a casual fling more and more. I know I wouldn't, but it worries me that I think about it because I never used to.

It's his refusal to talk about it that is the main problem and also the mixed messages. This morning he didn't refuse. I moved his hand onto my boob and he started to touch it. He could have moved it away again (he has in the past). But he didn't ... he started to touch, then stopped. I moved slightly and he started again. Then stopped again. By the end of it I'm laid there thinking do you want it or not???? Jesus just stop fucking around and either take it further or stop.

To turn the tables, imagine if a bloke came on saying his wife touches his dick, plays with it for a bit, then stops ... then starts again but isn't looking at him or instigating anything else ... then stops again ....

How frustrating and confusing. If it was a bloke in this scenario the wife would be accused of leading him on, playing games or generally just being a cow.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 07/01/2017 11:12

To the posters assuming he's going to bed late because he's watching porn.

Has it not occurred to you that he might be going to bed late because he's worried that if he goes with the OP, he's going to be groped and pressured into having sex with her?

user1478860582 · 07/01/2017 11:13

I'm a man in my mid 40's.

10 years ago I used to think about sex an awful lot. I'd have sex an awful lot. It's just the way we were.

In the last couple of years, that's changed. I can go days without even thinking about it. I imagine my testosterone has dropped.

However, my wife is still the same (and still the most wonderful woman). She wouldn't nag me or pester me as that would just put me on the defensive and I just wouldn't want to. She does however do things that start to get my attention. A hint of a favourite perfume. A subtle flirt with another guy. A kiss behind my ear as I cook. As she undressed for bed I'll notice that's she's been wearing some very sexy underwear.

I know I'll get shot down for this, but hey 18 years in and it works for us. I love her more today than I ever have done.