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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To tell my husband that if he doesn't start showing interest, I want a divorce?

237 replies

FrustratedFedUp · 07/01/2017 09:57

Husband never into sex. I have to instigate it every time. He denies this and says he does instigate but when he does, it's after I've been moaning at him about it so it's still not exactly him doing it off his own back, it's him doing it out of duty.

On a night he won't come to bed until he's tired enough to sleep. I go about 11, suggest that he comes with me on occasion and he makes excuses and comes much later. By then, we're both too tired.

On the rare occasion that we get a lie in together he stays asleep until well into the morning. If I try and wake him he says he's still waking up an hour or so later. In the end I get bored and get up.

This morning - feeling so frustrated I put his hand on my boob. He touched me for a bit but kept stopping. I tried to keep him going but he wasn't even looking at me, still laid with his head in the pillow, eyes closed, no interest at all.

In the end I asked him what the problem was. Why is he never into it? Why does he never show any interest in me? Why is it such hard work??? He said I was shit stirring and mood swinging and said he was into it until I spoilt it by moaning but he clearly wasn't!!! He kept stopping, wasn't even looking at me, never tried to instigate anything else - it was ducking obvious he wasn't into it and that's why I got him to stop because it just started to feel awkward.

He stormed downstairs in the end and I've told him that if he doesn't start showing an interest I'll leave.

I feel so rejected. I'm only 35, not overweight or anything different to what I was when he met me (when we had a sex life!!). He's 10 years older than me. I feel like I'm missing out. I'm laid here on a Saturday morning feeling alone, rejected and frustrated. He makes no effort at all.

The other day I found myself so frustrated I started searching for porn. I feel like shit. Never had to beg for intimacy before. AIBU to tell him that if he doesn't make the effort I want a divorce? I don't want to live like this. I'll end up having an affair and that's not me.

OP posts:
KayTee87 · 07/01/2017 11:14

Ok op do the same still stands, either ask if he would like to try counselling or leave the relationship. It is never ok to pressure someone into sex.

KayTee87 · 07/01/2017 11:14

So*

SaucyJack · 07/01/2017 11:15

You're sounding a bit rapey now TBH.

Does he need to be fighting you off with a stick before you'll take it as a "No"?

pipsqueak25 · 07/01/2017 11:15

i don't think anyone is entirely to blame here, she wants affection and attention [forget sex for a moment] and he doesn't. why doesn't he ? op said there wasn't an ed problem, but there is a pressure problem from op that in itself is a passion killer and yes, some pp on here would be up in arms if roles were reversed.
i think you need to have the talk outside the bedroom and ask if anything is troubling him, [don't mention sex], say you will listen and hear him out you'd like him to speak frankly about things and see what he says. if then he blanks you you need to offer your feelings about things in general [don't mention sex it'll shut the conversation down dead] and that you want things to be better between you in all respects.
would counselling help ? do you want your marriage to work, if not then be honest about it and tell him rather than being furtive and having an affair, that might impound on you big time and you might regret it.

PenguinsandPebbles · 07/01/2017 11:15

In your turning tables example OP you miss this bit out where the man initially takes his wife's hand and put it on his penis. He did not willing put his hand on your body.

And no I doubt anyone would say the wife was leading him on, I think they would say she had every right to make the decision to stop regardless of the reason.

KayTee87 · 07/01/2017 11:16

Also there's instigating and there's pressuring, it sounds like you're doing the latter.

HecateAntaia · 07/01/2017 11:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pipsqueak25 · 07/01/2017 11:17

saucey get your hard hat on !

Fallonjamie · 07/01/2017 11:18

You're probably just not very attractive. I don't mean that, I'm sure you are but that's one of the things a man posting with this same issue was told a few weeks ago. Along with him being a harasser, pervy and treating his wife like a convenient hole and not a person.

I'll give you the same advice I gave him. If your partner is unwilling to discuss the issue or seek help, that is a major problem which may lead to the end of your relationship. The not wanting sex isn't the problem, that's a personal prerogative; it's the refusal to do anything about it or discuss it that is unfair and the major problem.

LucklessMonster · 07/01/2017 11:18

I moved his hand onto my boob and he started to touch it. He could have moved it away again (he has in the past)

You've done this multiple times??

You really have to stop blaming your husband for 'leading you on'. Your behaviour is terrible.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 07/01/2017 11:18

This morning he didn't refuse. I moved his hand onto my boob and he started to touch it. He could have moved it away again (he has in the past). But he didn't ... he started to touch, then stopped. I moved slightly and he started again. Then stopped again. By the end of it I'm laid there thinking do you want it or not???? Jesus just stop fucking around and either take it further or stop.

He didn't want it. He tried to force himself to because you forced the issue by putting his hand on your breast. He tried to do it for a quiet life. You are a bullying sex pest.

PurpleMinionMummy · 07/01/2017 11:18

Agree about the hypocrisy.

Is it the lack of sex op or the general lack of interest in your relationship? You need to deal with the second before you'll get anywhere near the first as you're obviously complete disconnected atm. Very difficult if he won't talk but perhaps take sex off the table completely and explain you want to be closer in general, not just in bed.

kittybiscuits · 07/01/2017 11:19

Omg and once again the thread descends into fantasy land.

OP his ostrich position is not acceptable. You are not a sex pest and I do not see you nagging or pressurising. It is not acceptable to withdraw sex in a loving relationship and fend off any attempt to try and discuss this by trying to start an argument to deflect attention. Irrespective of the gender of either party, it is not OK. It's totally demoralising to be in your shoes and it's no way to live.

WheresLarry · 07/01/2017 11:19

Well OP a person has the right to say stop at any time. You may call it 'leading on' but a person could start something with the intention of having full sex, they may then decide they are too tired or aren't actually in the mood for any more, you know what- that's fine, it's their choice.

I agree with the others, if this was a man posting he would get ripped to shreds. People certainly wouldn't be suggesting his wife was getting it elsewhere or watching porn!

ToEarlyForDecorations · 07/01/2017 11:20

WTF? Are you for real?

Yes LucklessMonster I am. However, it's not about me.

Anyway.

Let me understand this. The OP is thirsty but being told to wait 3- 6 months for a drink and to stop begging her provider asking. The OP is hungry but being told to wait 3 - 6 for something to eat and to pretend she isn't hungry in the meantime. (By the well fed and satisfied course.)The OP is tired but being told to wait 3 - 6 months to sleep. The OP is cold but is told she has to wait for 3 - 6 months for warm clothes or a warm house ?

Perfectly reasonable by MN standards of course.

pipsqueak25 · 07/01/2017 11:21

user thanks for the male perspective, it might well be hormones in op dh case, whatever happens they need to talk.

LucklessMonster · 07/01/2017 11:21

You are not a sex pest and I do not see you nagging or pressurising.

As you said, the ostrich position isn't helpful.

kittybiscuits · 07/01/2017 11:21

Caring partners discuss their needs and consider the needs of their other half.

KayTee87 · 07/01/2017 11:21

^ this should help with the consent issue if you're finding it confusing op.

ToEarlyForDecorations · 07/01/2017 11:22

Omg and once again the thread descends into fantasy land.

OP his ostrich position is not acceptable. You are not a sex pest and I do not see you nagging or pressurising. It is not acceptable to withdraw sex in a loving relationship and fend off any attempt to try and discuss this by trying to start an argument to deflect attention. Irrespective of the gender of either party, it is not OK. It's totally demoralising to be in your shoes and it's no way to live.

This^ to the power of ten

KayTee87 · 07/01/2017 11:23

toearlyfordecorations

Water, food and sleep are basics needed for your body to survive, sex is not.

FrankensteinsSister · 07/01/2017 11:23

I'm in the same position, OP, and I know how heartbreaking it is.
I'm more than 1 year in to our sex drought, but there's never a good time to discuss with him (he's also stonewalling me when I try to discuss it).

Yanbu, I have considered leaving too. I just want to be wanted, you know?
Sorry I don't have any advice.

Someone a while ago on a similar thread put it really well.
You can either stay, realising that most likely the attraction has gone and this is how it will be, initiate an affair to get your needs met, or leave for a more sexually fulfilling relationship.

Of course, counselling is an option, if you feel like these issues are fixable (after a year, I feel mine are not).

kittybiscuits · 07/01/2017 11:23

I'm not in the ostrich position Luckless. Are you trying to derail the thread?

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 07/01/2017 11:23

ToEarlyForDecorations

You can't equate basic human needs to stay alive with sex!!! You absolute plank!!! WTF???

FrustratedFedUp · 07/01/2017 11:24

Ok fair enough, I'm hearing you.

I just don't know what to do. We've been married less than a year and I just can't go on like this. I've tried talking to him and he insists there isn't a problem. He even lies and says he instigates sex all the time but he doesn't, ever!! How can we work anything out if he won't even be honest about it?

Also I've tried laying off. I did that for 3 months once and just showed no interest in it whatsoever. Unfortunately neither did he.

I've tried the subtle kiss behind the ear when he's cooking, he just says I'm in the way. I've tried asking him to do things with me like date nights etc and he makes excuses. He's been taking me to the cinema for months - when I bring it up he says "well I don't know what you want to see". For fucks sake why don't I just book the bloody thing myself and arrange it all myself. Hardly the same thing. This is what I mean, no effort at all. It isn't just about sex!
I've tried saying let's go out on an afternoon together, he makes excuses. Believe me I have tried everything.

OP posts: