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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To tell my husband that if he doesn't start showing interest, I want a divorce?

237 replies

FrustratedFedUp · 07/01/2017 09:57

Husband never into sex. I have to instigate it every time. He denies this and says he does instigate but when he does, it's after I've been moaning at him about it so it's still not exactly him doing it off his own back, it's him doing it out of duty.

On a night he won't come to bed until he's tired enough to sleep. I go about 11, suggest that he comes with me on occasion and he makes excuses and comes much later. By then, we're both too tired.

On the rare occasion that we get a lie in together he stays asleep until well into the morning. If I try and wake him he says he's still waking up an hour or so later. In the end I get bored and get up.

This morning - feeling so frustrated I put his hand on my boob. He touched me for a bit but kept stopping. I tried to keep him going but he wasn't even looking at me, still laid with his head in the pillow, eyes closed, no interest at all.

In the end I asked him what the problem was. Why is he never into it? Why does he never show any interest in me? Why is it such hard work??? He said I was shit stirring and mood swinging and said he was into it until I spoilt it by moaning but he clearly wasn't!!! He kept stopping, wasn't even looking at me, never tried to instigate anything else - it was ducking obvious he wasn't into it and that's why I got him to stop because it just started to feel awkward.

He stormed downstairs in the end and I've told him that if he doesn't start showing an interest I'll leave.

I feel so rejected. I'm only 35, not overweight or anything different to what I was when he met me (when we had a sex life!!). He's 10 years older than me. I feel like I'm missing out. I'm laid here on a Saturday morning feeling alone, rejected and frustrated. He makes no effort at all.

The other day I found myself so frustrated I started searching for porn. I feel like shit. Never had to beg for intimacy before. AIBU to tell him that if he doesn't make the effort I want a divorce? I don't want to live like this. I'll end up having an affair and that's not me.

OP posts:
HecateAntaia · 07/01/2017 11:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LucklessMonster · 07/01/2017 11:24

kittybiscuits You're blinding yourself somehow if you can't see that the OP is nagging and pestering.

How can one derail a thread by talking about the thread topic?

KayTee87 · 07/01/2017 11:24

Also your username should be tooearlyfordecorations hth

ToEarlyForDecorations · 07/01/2017 11:26

Are you baiting me or the OP, MilkTwoSugarsThanks

HecateAntaia · 07/01/2017 11:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ToEarlyForDecorations · 07/01/2017 11:26

KayTee87 that's kind of not the point of this thread, love

RentANDBills · 07/01/2017 11:27

Let me understand this. The OP is thirsty but being told to wait 3- 6 months for a drink and to stop begging her provider asking. The OP is hungry but being told to wait 3 - 6 for something to eat and to pretend she isn't hungry in the meantime. (By the well fed and satisfied course.)The OP is tired but being told to wait 3 - 6 months to sleep. The OP is cold but is told she has to wait for 3 - 6 months for warm clothes or a warm house ?

If you go for 3 months without a drink you will die.
If you go for 3 months without food, you will die.
If you go for 3 months without sleep, you will die.

If you abstain from sex for 3 months - you WILL NOT DIE.

What a fucking awful comparison to make.
Her partner is very likely struggling with something, thus has withdrawn in the relationship.

pipsqueak25 · 07/01/2017 11:27

what part of 'putting hand on boob' isn't pestering ? some people are more feminist than they give themselves credit for on here Grin i can do this because i'm a woman, you do it and i scream assault.
op , tbh i think this thread is getting abit Hmm, might be time for you to think over what has been said and offered, please have the talk and may be leave the thread or delete it.

kittybiscuits · 07/01/2017 11:28

Please don't allow yourself to stay in this shitty and dishonest situation OP. It will run for years if you let it. With my ex it was porn use and just general passive-aggressive behaviour. If I was interested in sex he didn't want it, when I took sex off the menu he said I had no right to deny him sex. Have you thought about moving out? Not necessarily ending the relationship. Though if it's this crap already maybe you should cut your losses.

WorraLiberty · 07/01/2017 11:28

You are not a sex pest and I do not see you nagging or pressurising.

Jesus Christ. You don't see someone grabbing their partner's hand and placing it on an intimate part of their body, knowing they don't want sex, as being a pest or pressurising??

And by the OP's admission, more than once?

I despair.

fulberoo · 07/01/2017 11:28

kitty, can you really not see how if the OP was a man and his wife wasn't wanting to have sex with him, the reaction on this thread would be entirely different?

Woman's sex drive diminishes and she doesn't want sex with her husband: poor thing, it's his fault, he's probably not doing the dishes enough, he can just suck it up, no sex won't kill him, you're not just a hole, he's probably let himself go.

Man's sex drive diminishes and he doesn't want sex with his wife: what a bastard, it's his fault, he's probably knocking off some floozy or addicted to violent porn, you don't have to accept this unacceptable withdrawal of your marital rights, no sex will kill your relationship, LTB, he's probably let himself go.

PurpleMinionMummy · 07/01/2017 11:28

In that case op yanbu. I would tell him if he's not willing to talk then you're off. You need to mean it though if you'll threaten it.

JaceLancs · 07/01/2017 11:29

Every sympathy OP I am in a sexless relationship, due to other persons MH issues, the first year nearly killed me as it so badly affected my self esteem and own moods
For me acceptance became the key - we still love each other and can still hug kiss etc, but he has no interest in taking it further
It's not ideal but I can't imagine leaving him or loving anyone else as much
I wouldn't rule out a discrete affair either but as I get older thankfully my own libido is declining

Scooby20 · 07/01/2017 11:29

I don't like being a sex pest.

Then stop it.

Your discussions are based around who is to blame. Thats not a great starting point.

You put his hand on your boob. Maybe he felt like he had to do something. But just wanted to sleep. I would be pissed off if dh stopped me having a sleep in too.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 07/01/2017 11:29

when I bring it up he says "well I don't know what you want to see". For fucks sake why don't I just book the bloody thing myself and arrange it all myself. Hardly the same thing. This is what I mean, no effort at all. It isn't just about sex!

Well yes, generally it's the person who wants to do it to make the effort. That's not rocket science.

ToEarlyForDecorations · 07/01/2017 11:30

He even lies and says he instigates sex all the time but he doesn't, ever!! How can we work anything out if he won't even be honest about it?

He's making sex a taboo subject. Don't let it all be on his own terms i.e. no sex, discussion about sex.

Ask him if he masturbates.

pipsqueak25 · 07/01/2017 11:31

you've only been married a short time, no dc i guess, let it go and done with, you will probably both be happier as a result. it's sad that it's not worked out but there it is.

KayTee87 · 07/01/2017 11:31

I know it's not, love, but thought as you were being obtuse I would be too.

ToastDemon · 07/01/2017 11:31

I think it's a great pity that the OP has posted for help over the very real and soul destroying issue of firstly having a lack of sex and intimacy, and secondly a husband who won't communicate about it, and instead of helping, many posters are taking gleeful delight in doing the whole "what if the OP was male" thing and winding each other up to the point where she is now being accused of being a sexual predator.

Not helpful, and not very nice either.

ToEarlyForDecorations · 07/01/2017 11:32

Any chance you could stop the goading MilkTwoSugarsThanks ?

RentANDBills · 07/01/2017 11:33

FrustratedFedUp

I think the sex thing is blurring the issue, it certainly is for me (I'm getting insensed reading some of the replies, DP has actually told me to come off the website).

The sex thing is a red herring - you have a communication problem in your relationship and an affection problem. It doesn't sound like you are enjoying spending time with him, nor he with you.
Do you like him and do you think he likes you?

Straight up, stop pestering him for sex. That's unpleasant for both of you.

Keeping trying to open up the lines of communication, see if there is a concrete problem you can resolve together and if you keep being rejected by him (not sexually, just rejected as a partner) then yes, you need to seriously consider leaving.

I'm sorry for getting derailed somewhat by the male/female comparison - thats been by other poster's reactions, rather than your position and the original issue you have raised.

FrustratedFedUp · 07/01/2017 11:35

TBH I wouldn't class him putting my hand on his dick as assault. Even if I didn't want sex, I'd see it as him trying to instigate sex. Nothing more. If I moved it away and he moved it back again then yeah, he'd be stepping into dodgy territory.

So ok, I stop putting his hand anywhere and I stop touching him unless he touches me first - I can guarantee that will be the end of whatever sex life we have.

Also, isn't it a bit 1950s to wait until your man instigates before touching him?! How do other women instigate sex if I'm doing it wrong?

Not to drip feed and not even sure if it's relevant but he also has no interest in oral - giving or receiving. (And no I don't crawl under the covers and start sucking him off as he sleeps!)

OP posts:
ToEarlyForDecorations · 07/01/2017 11:36

*I think it's a great pity that the OP has posted for help over the very real and soul destroying issue of firstly having a lack of sex and intimacy, and secondly a husband who won't communicate about it, and instead of helping, many posters are taking gleeful delight in doing the whole "what if the OP was male" thing and winding each other up to the point where she is now being accused of being a sexual predator.

Not helpful, and not very nice either.*

This Exactly this

'What if the OP was male' SO FUCKING WHAT. THE OP IS NOT MALE. She is female and is asking for advice/pleading for help.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 07/01/2017 11:37

ToEarlyForDecorations

I think you're the one doing the goading.

Having been in the OP's husband's position I have a hell of a lot of sympathy for him.

OP needs to understand how wrong her actions are - then she can work on fixing things, even if walking away from the marriage is the answer.

ToEarlyForDecorations · 07/01/2017 11:41

MilkTwoSugarsThanks

Ah, now I get it. Waving the flag for harried harassed men everywhere.

Thank you.

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