Not cut out to be a mother

[sailorcherries]

Posting here for traffic, at my wits end.

My DS is 6 and has never slept through the night. Not once. He is also the worst self soother in the world.

During the day he is happy to sit upstairs/downstairs on his own while I potter about but at night time WWIII breaks out regularly.

Despite trying everything (sit in his room and gradually move out the door; sit in my room and return him reassuringly; sit in my room and return him without speaking etc) he will refuse to sleep. He cries, gets out of bed, refuses to talk, scratches himself and makes himself sick. I have tried for months and nothing works. He is upset, I get frustrated and upset - I don't smack etc but let him know his behaviour is not acceptable and tell him that there is consequences the next day (tv time/games cancelled, grounded etc).
In the end I end up sitting near his door and he then falls asleep; after 2 hours of screaming and tantrums. If I sit near his door to begin with he will be quiet but won't settle for at least an hour.

Regardless of when he goes to bed he will wake 3-4 times for no apparent reason, come and find me, and then wake me to take him to bed.

I finally went to the dr and his suggestion was that DS didn't need as much sleep (as nothing suffers through lack of it) and to put him to bed later. This has not addressed the issues at bed time whatsoever.

What is wrong with me? Am I that shit a parent that I can't get the basics right? Will I fuck it up with the next? Is there something wrong with my DS? What the bloody hell do I do? Bed time brings me to tears every single night.

I think you need to be firmer and read him a story and leave the room. Keep putting him back to bed. Quietly and kindly. It's hard. You need to take control back. He goes to school without you etc. Don't undermine your OH. Let him help you. You can't go on like this when you have the baby.

You've got my full sympathy. My oldest child had sleep problems til she turned 12 years old. We let her sleep in our bed a couple of nights per week from the age of 6 onwards so that we could all get some sleep, as we were walking zombies by then. We found that talking books at bedtime, on a low volume with all the lights out worked intermittently. She would only get the talking book if she was in bed by 8pm (it meant I didn't have to sit with her for hours). I also found that giving her a back massage with really soft relaxing music helped too. I can only really suggest you let your child sleep in bed with you every once in a while so that you can recoup some sleep. Good Luck. PS There is a book available called 'What to do when you dread your bed' which you are meant to read through with the child to combat sleep issues, but I haven't read it. Check amazon and you should be able to browse a few pages of it. It gets really good reviews, and is a book aimed at children just like yours.

If he's not tired in the day I don't see the issue with him getting the sleep he needs rather than whatever he is supposed to have at his age. Just let him in get bed with you and sleep when he's tired. It sounds like your making life unnecessarily hard for both of you and I'm not sure why. Is it because he should be sleeping in his own bed and should be having X number of hours a night at his age? Because every child is different. I bet if he has the security of knowing he can stay with you he will phase it out when he is ready (or when sleepovers start).
I've got a child with asd and as a result know a lot of kids with asd/adhd and if parents could solve their problems by bringing their child into their bed at night they would do it in a heartbeat.

A word to the wise re speaking books.

Dd would get so wrapped up in them that she would be up all hours listening to them. She NEVER fell asleep listening to them, just got more and more excited wanting to know the end.

We have up on them in the end.

I would ask for an assessment for ASD. There are enough warning bells ringing.

God that's a nightmare. Sending you support xx

I used to get upset when I went to my dads as a kid. My Stepmum bought me some books on tapes and I used to listen to them until I fell asleep. I remember that really fondly now xx

I would sleep on the floor next to him till he sleeps because he sounds scared and anxious. Or put a mattress next to your bed for him to sleep on. Until he outgrows it and gains confidence and feels more secure then he may need to be close to you. Sometimes you do what you do to create peace and get sleep. There's nothing worse than stress and lack of sleep. I don't believe there is a right way to do these things (be a parent). Just find something that works.

Oh there's an app that tells stories story time and storynory or something. We have used this and it just helps with the sleep process. Theyvjust need a distraction from the fear and anxiety. We have used a few things over the years to help with the sleeping issues that come and go. At 10 years old still we are having issues again. It's okay though. We just find something that works and it's okay. (And my kids are all different so please don't think one way or one kid is the right way).

This isn't about me being 'firmer' at bed time ... for months I would take him to bed, kiss him good night and then leave. I'd take him back every time he left, I'd change the bed when he made himself sick, I'd wipe his tears away and I'd keep going. If months of that did nothing, why would I put him through any more stress? How could I be firmer?

In the end I have been sitting near/in view of his bed, but once again it gets to the point where I am sitting on the floor for over an hour while he fights sleep because he needs to see me/talk to me/know I am there.

Again, it's not a matter of him having a set bed time (that went out the window a long time ago ... the routine remains the same, not the timings) it is how he acts when left alone, which is much worse at night.

Again, co-sleeping is not possible. Neither is having a mattress or bed in our room or vice versa. Trust me, I tried to co-sleep for over 4 years until OH and I moved in together. He still woke up constantly, he still took over an hour to settle, he'd wake up the minute I left the bed and follow me to the toilet. I have facebook posts coming up from 4/5 years ago where, as a small infant, he was still refusing to sleep alone or sleep at all (i.e. getting up at 2am for the day ...)

He is a very active child and spends his days doing something - taekwondo, gymnastics, running about in house and outside, on a trampoline for hours, on his bike etc. His diet isn't terrible either, not excessive snacking and lots of water (he doesn't really get anything else to drink).

I'm going to look at weighted blankets.

A sleep therapist or trainer is not something we can afford just now, it's just out of the question with a house move/buying everything for a baby/Christmas etc. If I had the money sitting I would do it in a heart beat, but that is on the list in case nothing else works.

We have 3 of the Relax Kids cds from Amazon, they are designed to help kids fall asleep.
Worth a try. Good luck.

Melatonin.

You have not done anything wrong, you are doing amazing.

Get melatonin.

Op. I think you are doing brilliantly and your idea of working in the hall is probably the best thing for the moment.

Could you keep to doing this but add in something auditory for him, either white noise app, or soothing audio stories or maybe record soothing thoughts for him and play on a loop (Mummy is still here. Mummy loves you so much, snuggle down in your comfy cozy bed, can you feel your soft cuddly teddy, everything is fine, just let your eyes close and snuggle down etc etc) Play quietly near him so he can hear but doesn't drive you mad. Maybe Google some breathing techniques for being calm and getting to sleep and record instructions for these and practice them with him before bed.

Don't try and withdraw your presence from the hall for the moment, just introduce something for him to listen to with the aim that this helps him to get to sleep faster ( he doesn't need to know this is the aim)

I'm definitely going to try white noise or relaxation type CD's. Anything stimulating at all just forces him to stay awake to see the conclusion.

I would also get the ' What to do when you dread your bed' book and see if this has ideas that would help. It will be a work book to do with ds, but read it yourself first. It may be that you can work through it all with him or just use or adapt part of it.

Yy to the relaxing CDs, white noise. Add it in to what you are already doing. As he gets used to it he will hopefully drop off more quickly and you can spend less time in the hall. Then you can think about your next step.

Oh sailorcherries, they do lycra bedsheets that he can sleep inside? Might help having the slight pressure, like a hug almost. I hope you find something that works. I hate co sleeping, all that happens is i get poked in the eye, hair pulled etc. And then when they do sleep, youre terrified to even breathe too loudly incase they wake again. If it was just not sleeping, then i doubt it would be an issue for you. Its everything else that goes with it, the sick, the self harming, etc. Good luck with it all x

It strikes me that a lot of the things you are doing and a lot of the words you use are connected with sleep routines for a much, much younger child...self-soothing, sitting on a chair whilst he falls asleep, white noise... this sounds like much more of a power/control situation, a child who needs to move on from the stage where he is the centre of the world (I am not meaning any of this unkindly). What do you do in other situations when a boundary needs to be reinforced? What rewards and sanctions do you use?

Can i add something in? If her child is on the spectrum, then he may well physically be 6, but he could have a cognitive age of a year or two younger. Nothing to do with academic brightness, just how his brain is wired up. I know my son is 7, but he is cognitively 1/12, to 2 years younger than that. This does not sound like control if hes been like it since birth basically.

He doesn't really push boundaries in any other ways, no more than an average 6 year old - i.e. perhaps talking back, being a bit cheeky etc. When that happens we either don't do something we had planned (park, cinema etc) or he loses privileges (tv, tablet) or he cannot go out and play.

Similarly, if his behaviour is good he perhaps gets a little longer on the tv, a movie night, day out etc (depending on the situation/length of good behaviour).

Yes the words are connected to that of a younger child, but I'd be completely unreasonable to try to get my 6 year old to act like a 6 year old when he cannot do things that younger children do. He can't run before he can walk. If he can't self-soothe, if I do need to be near his bed, if he does need white noise it is because, for whatever reason, he has not passed that stage developmentally.

I agree re the melatonin. I am on a forum for ASD/ADD kids and quite a few are on it and apparently it can be transforming.

I only ask because I have come across similar before, and it was behavioural rather than developmental. Does he detach from you easily enough to go to school etc.? If so then he can 'self soothe' . Did the situation get any worse or better when you met your OH?

I'd advise going back to your GP and asking for a referral to a Community Paediatrician. If your GP tries to fob you off, go via a Health Visitor. A Community Paediatrician is able to support you with anything developmental, behavioural, ASD spectrum issues/assessments and sleep issues (including prescribing melatonin if necessary). It may be none of these, but better to get some support now before baby arrives. Good luck

Pretty sure OP did not describe other behaviours consistent with ASD did she? Although definitely meds might be worth a try to break this cycle .

By the way I have one child with ASD who does not sleep, but does stay in their room doing stuff until whenever they fall asleep without issues.