About being pissed off with mum about what she said about childcare?

[PyongyangKipperbang]

Firstly....I have not asked her to do any childcare. I am not saying that she should have my kids so I can work, my kids, my choice, my problem. So..

I am looking for a job but it is a right PITA as DH works changing shifts and the only jobs I can find require before or after school childcare that would mean that we would end up with less coming in than before, and me out of the house all day. But all the kids are now at school full time and we need more money, so far so normal for most families.

Mum asked how the job search was going and I explained this to her (not dropping hints, we were just talking) and she said "Well I managed it!" as if to imply that I wasnt trying hard enough. Except that my grandparents babysat every Saturday as she worked a weekend shift, and twice a week during the holidays to cover her midweek shifts too. She brushes that off as no consequence ("They helped out during the holidays sometimes")and says that if I really wanted a job then I would find a way to make it work "But dont ask me, my childcare days are over" Which is fine, I get that, but it really fucking pisses me off with the way she suggests that she just made it work for herself when the fact is that without my grandparents she wouldnt have been able to work.

AIBU to be pissd off at her selective memory and implications that I am somehow not trying as hard as she did despite not having on tap childcare as she did?! She thinks that I am!

She should not be acting like this. I now have the first grandchild (I work full time and also support my other children at school etc) and I have criticised my daughter now back at work - she took maternity leave. I would be disappointed if she or my son in law gave up work to look after the baby as I think you are protected by careers and earnings particularly women but I would never foist my views on anyone.

Never ridden a boom either... am from the NE, life has been tough at times, no pension except state pension when I'm nearly 70. It is not the case that all older people had it easy. I took 2 weeks annual leave to have the first baby in only and went back full time,. 50% of each of our salaries after tax went on childcare, no help from parents. However despite all that I am very glad I kept working. Now better things are financially now stems from that so do try to get any job you can.

OP re. the cleaning, if you think you want to give it a go you could make your own list? there are lots of lists etc on-line (look at the housekeeping section on MN for ideas) but some of it is perhaps prioritising what the customers want done- e.g. do they want an all-over surface clean, hoover and cushions plumped up, or do they want the bathrooms scrubbed down thoroughly? If you can tailor it to what they want then you will be onto a winner. (It seems to be one of the common complaints from people I know who have cleaners)

I'm a baby boomer and I am aware just how much easier things were back in our youth. We had university grants, no loans to repay, and house prices were lower in relation to pay, so it was easier to live on one salary. When I did work part-time then childcare costs were lower relatively too.(But childminders weren't DBS checked and had less (practically no) hoops to jump through.) All of which is why I was happy to care (free) for my grandson 3 days a week for my son and his wife. I would say that I got back a lot more than it cost me, I have a very close relationship with my grandson, he is delightful, and it was FUN.

I should have added I still help out after school one day a week, but he now goes to an after school club 2 days and loves it. They don't charge the earth, and I know they also do before school. Seems to me that is the best option if it's available, when there is no help from family.

Op have you considered domestic cleaning employed or self employed.?

Self employed it takes a few months to pick up to anything half decent but the pay is good even if you offer it cheap and you can set your hour's.

If you have ever worked as a cleaner the same h&'s cleaning techniques are the same more or less.

My dm has never baby's at in 6 yrs but then I've never expected her too as she was never actively involved.
I had a lot of help from ex-Mil when it came to setting up my business. I didn't drive and was working/travelling all hours during summer holidays and school time.
Luckily I passed my test and got a car after 6 month and it all slotted into place.

Summer holidays there is really cheap holiday club so I alternate that and GPS.

Re cleaning, rather than shadowing someone I think you'd be better looking for a cleaning job with a small firm. They will train you and they often offer school only hours as this suits their customers perfectly. If you want to strike out on your own later to earn more you can, but cross that bridge later. As long as you work for them for a while, in good faith, do a good job and don't steal their clients it's fine.

If there is any after school care at all then do your sums very carefully. We pay £6 for 2 x breakfast club and £8 an hour for after school club, for 2 children (so £3 and £4 per child). It is galling paying out more than you earn for an hour or two but it comes nowhere near cancelling out your earnings over the whole day. Similarly some hol clubs are quite reasonable and with your DH working shifts and you both having annual leave, you probably won't need to use as much of it as you expect. I work 3 days pw which helps loads, as I've covered 2/5 of the 13 weeks before we even start taking leave, but I think wraparound and holiday childcare both look much more of a hurdle if you've never used them than they actually are in reality. A lot of the holiday activities don't advertise heavily because they don't need to, so finding out about them can be tricky. But most of the children's activities - dance, gym, football, drama - run holiday activities as well as sports centres, nurseries, outward bound centres. Your children don't have to attend the class to do the holiday course, they all take anyone. I am prepared to throw money at holiday camps because my children only go about a couple of weeks a year, max. Those weeks are expensive but taken over the whole year it's not much and I want it to be really positive for them. OTOH if we had to send them more, there are places for less than £20 per day per child. Honestly, holiday and wraparound childcare was my biggest worry as my kids started school and I didn't see how it would ever work but like everyone else we muddle through, and it's surprising what options turned up on the grapevine.

Yes - it is a pain that she has such a selective memory and it must piss you off good and proper. She is not entitled to voice her opinion on what you are trying to organise unless she is offering child care, in which case her opinion might be relevant.

She is the one missing out. I look after a GD one day a week and a GS another day. We had him yesterday and it was such a joy - he makes himself at home and potters around chatting to us and making us smile. It lifts our hearts in the face of several health problems and we count ourselves privileged to be closely involved in their lives and able to share the fun.

It is a shame that your mum cannot grasp that it is very hard indeed now for young families to keep afloat financially and the cost of child care is a huge factor in the decisions about whether to go back to work. I know that my DD could hardly afford to be at work if we were not providing some of the child care - and we are happy to do it. It is for such a short period relative to their childhoods. I think it helps to keep us feeling young, being involved with them.

It isn't fair to blame baby boomers, blame your parents not a whole generation. I do lots of childcare for my grandchildren just like my mother did for me and her mother did for her.

Your mother is being selfish and thoughtless but that is her.

I know it can look like we had it easy now but back then it wasn't that easy, income tax was 33% if I remember rightly, interest rate on our mortgage was 16% at one stage. The houses might have been cheaper but because of interest rates they were no more affordable for most of us. Food was alot more expensive relative to income as were clothes.

I don't think any generation has it easy when kids are young. At one time I was making dolls outfits for a local shop, 12.5p per outfit, as I could do it in the evenings when children were asleep and then working one day a week on husband's day off so I didn't have childcare costs. When my mother retired and was able to do before and after school childcare it was such a relief, no wrap around childcare in those days.

I don't blame you being mad at your mother, I believe in paying it forward.

YANBU at all. I count my blessings every day that I have a flexible hours job so I can pretty much choose when I work, I work around when DS is at preschool or at his dad's. I just wouldn't be able to afford childcare otherwise and I only went back to work last September after two years on benefits.

My DM always worked but her sister my DAunt worked school hours so I went to hers after school. So she never had to worry. It just isn't an option for some people who have no family to help out and the phrase "well I managed" does my head in. Everyone's situation is different!

Just a thought, the other thing I did as mum got older and couldn't help much was I joined forces with 2 other mums, we all worked part-time I worked Mon-Friday but could get kids to school, one worked a few hours in middle of the day plus Saturday and I can't even remember what the other one did but it meant I took six kids to school, one mum picked either 4 or 6 up depending on the day and then dropped mine at my mums. I took her kids to school and to swimming lessons with mine on a Saturday morning. One summer we each took 6 kids away on a caravan holiday, the kids loved it got home on a Friday night sorted out stuff for the next fortnight and off they went again on the Saturday. The holiday wasn't exactly relaxing but no hassle for the other 4 weeks was brilliant.

Just thought of 2 friends who teamed up, one worked fulltime the other one looked after both sets of kids. They split the working mums money 50/50.

People do get inventive but I know it depends on having friends who you can share with.

I feel sorry for your mother really. My grandson said to me that he has two homes, mine and his parents, and with a big grin said isn't he lucky because he has two bedrooms of his own. Your mum is missing out but more fool her.

(Of course in my post above I meeant I had NOT criticised my daughter! (not that I had)
" and I have [not]criticised my daughter now back at work - she took maternity leave. "

granny you seem to be forgetting that university was free, there was tax relief on mortgage payments, far more social housing, students could claim income support and a huge number of people had final salary pensions and didn't have to save for retirement.

Take all that away and add crippling house prices, student loans and job insecurity and things are much much harder for today's young families.

And I say that as someone who has bought a house, can afford a nanny and is financially secure. Anyone born after 1980 is really up against it.

For the most part this thread has been about people's own experience. Not many have generalised it to "all baby boomers". Let's keep it that way. The year you're born is one thing you have absolutely no control over, and sweeping generalisations are rarely accurate or helpful.

Grannytomine that is an epic summer holiday solution!

Most of MN is about people's own experience...

OP you have my full sympathy. My mum (with whom I have a great relationship now) got all "I have a life" and " don't call me granny in public" when I had my first DD. I was really floored. In the end we paid her to look after DD1. This caused many eyebrow raises from MIL ( who lived too far away to help at all) but it worked for us.

My mum and dad lived with my gran when we were little and so had 24/7 babysitting. But mum simply did not see or want to see that she had it easy. It really made me angry at the time.

I have five DCs and she has looked after the rest of them when we needed. DS2 is 7 and she will still pick him up from school etc. She had recently retired for DD1 ( now 21) and I think she was having a late life crisis! Maybe your mum is the same. Good luck with the job hunt.

Chippednailvarnishing, most of us didn't go to university in the 1960s. We did get tax relief on mortgages but think about your mortgage going to 16% and tell me if tax relief would make up for it. I didn't know anyone who managed to get social housing, great if you did.

Final salary pensions are great now but they didn't help feed my kids in the 70s, if I could have opted out of my pension I would have but it was allowed. I remember selling my engagement ring to buy something one of my kids needed. Yes it was a breeze back then.

The point is with hindsight you can look at my life and say well it was great because you ended up here but when we bought our first house in 1973 and the mortgage rate increased 3 times between our mortgage offer and completion it wasn't so easy.

Two of my kids were born after 1980, they have made different choices to me by the time I was 21 I had two kids and a mortgage they had been to uni and were travelling the world. It is hard to compare but I doubt you'd think life was great if you found yourself in the 1950s.

EineKleine, the kids loved it although they got very familiar with the M5 with one fortnight in Devon and one in Cornwall, the other fortnight was Pembroke if I remember rightly. They all loved it and we were lucky as it was a hot dry summer. Slightly exhausting for the parents but then as I said the 4 weeks with no worries about childcare was worth it.

Happy days.

but isn't this selective memory a well known psycholgical thingy:-

www.quora.com/Whats-the-difference-between-selective-memory-and-having-a-bad-memory

EG if we didn't forget the pain of childbirth we would all only have one child and the population would die out!

I am sure you will do the same when you older op, so just nod and ignore.

"Dont ask me, my childcare days are over." How. Very. Rude.
I hope your reply was
"God no...your the last person on the planet I'd ask"
Playing devils advocate, all children ( myself included) the progen y of Grandparents were potty trained by three months,weaned on solids at six weeks, life was never difficult and the sun always shone in the summer and the Krays loved their mother....
It's true that those retirees do truely not understand the modern day cost of living. It is as irritating as hell, but sadly theres no telling them.... Even when you do tell them.
I feel for you I really do. Gin is the answer!

Well I'm a granddparent and mine weren't weaned at six months, one was still breastfeeding at 3 years.

I say again it isn't babyboomers, it isn't grandparents it is some people. There are always rude people, selfish people and some of them are young and some are old.

I think it is harder for OP because she knows her grandmother helped her mother, its easier I think if you are in a family where this isn't the norm. In my family it is normal for grandparents to help. I had to work, couldn't pay the mortgage if I didn't and we didn't have luxuries I worked so we could live and my mother made it alot easier. I try to pay that on and its a shame the OPs mother doesn't but ultimately she is also losing.

Ughhh my mum also has conveniently selective amnesia when it comes to how much my GPs did for her.... she does zero with my kids, and does all of that "well I never got help!" Bollocks. I spent every school holiday at GPs, constant trips, clothes, hobbies paid for + equipment, plus very often plain old financial help for my mum. My mum looks at me like I've lost my mind if I dare to bring it up, but cannot truly deny it when faced with the facts! So frustrating. YANBU

My children were not weaned at 6 months either (I expressed breast milk at work as was working back full time when they were 2 - 3 weeks old - it was not easy in the old days remember; I enever even was entitled to 6 weeks off at 90% pay). The inter generational comparisons never get us anywhere really. Some people of any age are not kind and others are. It has always been so.

When I went to university (one of the only in my school to go because I worked my socks of) only 15% went so the fact there were no student fees (but by the way at considerable sacrifice my parents had to pay my rent etc as I did not get what some lucky p eople got - " a full grant") but85% of people did not get to go. By the time we first bought a house the tax relief on the mortgage was so very very tiny it was a joke as London house prices had risen so much so the 12% mortgage interest was pretty hefty and no help with childcare - our childcare cost 50% of each of our full time net salaries for the first year or two until we got promotions. So one of us was wiorking without pay as an investment for the future.

YANBU. Sadly a lot of people of that generation don't really understand how many breaks they got that we don't get these days.