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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About being pissed off with mum about what she said about childcare?

158 replies

PyongyangKipperbang · 05/01/2017 14:09

Firstly....I have not asked her to do any childcare. I am not saying that she should have my kids so I can work, my kids, my choice, my problem. So..

I am looking for a job but it is a right PITA as DH works changing shifts and the only jobs I can find require before or after school childcare that would mean that we would end up with less coming in than before, and me out of the house all day. But all the kids are now at school full time and we need more money, so far so normal for most families.

Mum asked how the job search was going and I explained this to her (not dropping hints, we were just talking) and she said "Well I managed it!" as if to imply that I wasnt trying hard enough. Except that my grandparents babysat every Saturday as she worked a weekend shift, and twice a week during the holidays to cover her midweek shifts too. She brushes that off as no consequence ("They helped out during the holidays sometimes")and says that if I really wanted a job then I would find a way to make it work "But dont ask me, my childcare days are over" Which is fine, I get that, but it really fucking pisses me off with the way she suggests that she just made it work for herself when the fact is that without my grandparents she wouldnt have been able to work.

AIBU to be pissd off at her selective memory and implications that I am somehow not trying as hard as she did despite not having on tap childcare as she did?! She thinks that I am!

OP posts:
ToastieRoastie · 05/01/2017 19:18

Noni that's crazy. If you can afford a nanny, get one. Your DC will spend more quality time with you if you're not repaying your DM in hours.

Nquartz · 05/01/2017 19:18

Would you consider retraining in hairdressing/beauty therapy? Our hairdresser is self employed & mobile so she fits appointments in round her DCs/DH's shifts. My beautician is a mum & works evenings & Saturdays again to fit round DC/DH.
Another lucky one here, my DM & PILs always offer to help in school holidays/inset days. Holiday club fees would be extortionate otherwise.

Nonibaloni · 05/01/2017 19:49

The nanny would mean I wasn't making any money, just cover costs but I am tempted because hopefully a few years down the line Id be earning more.

It's things like moving boxes and furniture (she can leave things alone) and going food shopping etc. I hate it and dp hates it because it's basically like having 2 jobs.

I never knew childcare would be so hard to find. I can't understand why Starbucks or Tesco isn't cashing in and opening massive hyper childcare centres.

QueenArseClangers · 05/01/2017 19:52

What would happen if you said 'sorry mum, I can nip to yours for an hour on Saturday to take you to Asda but I need time to do stuff for my family and see my child at weekend'?

EineKleine · 05/01/2017 20:17

Noni that sounds insane.

If you told her you were at breaking point, it's unsustainable, you need to either resign or pay her in cash instead of time, what would she do?

StarUtopia · 05/01/2017 20:21

It's their generation.

I get the 'how come you haven't saved up enough to buy a house yet?' ' we managed and scrimped and saved etc etc'

Yes. Your first house was 2 times Dad's salary. The cheapest property we can buy round here is 7 times our combined salary.

But of course. That's not relevant!

Bobochic · 05/01/2017 20:25

Get a nanny, Noni, even if you are barely breaking even - at least you will have free weekends!

ToastieRoastie · 05/01/2017 20:29

Noni how old are your DC? If one is at school or nursery, you could look at a nanny share (so nanny doesn't have lots of children all the time)

Liara · 05/01/2017 20:29

PIL did this 'we've done our childcare days, we managed without help, how dare you expect anything of us' - except dh actually spent as much time with his gps as he did with his parents, who often left him with the gps for weeks at a time, and in the next breath they would tell us that their second was refluxy too 'sometimes gp had to walk her up and down in the living room all night long'.

But somehow this doesn't count as 'help'. Hmm

Ilovecaindingle · 05/01/2017 20:35

Something on a self employed basis?
I am a cleaner and do posh people's houses when my kids are at school. Works perfect during school time - arrange some play dates on a rota with a few parents in the school hols so you can still work. Ob have other kids around on your days off but it can work!!

MrsHathaway · 05/01/2017 20:38

I can't understand why Starbucks or Tesco isn't cashing in and opening massive hyper childcare centres.

Because there's no money in it, but rather huge tranches of legislation and guidelines.

RogueStar01 · 05/01/2017 20:39

noni I'm pretty shocked - on the whole I think parents that say they won't help at all are nicer than ones that expect a pound of flesh back in your 'free' time. Nanny share, babysitter, anything to free yourself you must be knackered all the time. Your career will go better if you aren't exhausted I expect

Original poster
PyongyangKipperbang · 06/01/2017 01:06

I take it all back in the face of the appalling shite that Noni is getting.

I agree with a pp that sometimes you have to work for almost nothing to keep a lucrative career going for when the kids are older and this sounds like that sort of situation. I have never had a lucrative career really, so not an issue for me. Get the nanny, it just aint worth this craziness.

I have thought of cleaning on a self employed basis but I am worried that I wouldnt be good enough. I think I need training, in all seriousness. I struggle to get it right in my own home, never mind someone elses. Do you think a local cleaner would train me in exchange for some free hours cleaning from me? Being serious now!

OP posts:
nursy1 · 06/01/2017 02:22

Feel I need to apologise for my baby boomer generation after reading the posts on here. There seem to be some shockers. True we had it fairly easy, jobs were easy enough to get hold of. Houses were just about affordable even on one wage. However some of my contemporaries seem to go around with their eyes closed to how very different things are now.
I will hopefully be a grandmother later this year. My DD is about to move an hour and a half away ( not best timing but her OH has had a job offer with relocation he would be crazy to refuse) she could not afford to give up work so we are going to buy a caravan. They have a small 2 bed house. So this way we can do the childcare 2 or 3 days a week but each have our own space.
When my own were small I did cleaning and child minding. I am a nurse but shifts were just impossible.

Italiangreyhound · 06/01/2017 02:57

PyongyangKipperbang you are not being unreasonable.

Just don't talk to her about it. If she asks about the job search just brush it off, say all is in hand or something equally vague.

TheThingsWeAdmitOnMN · 06/01/2017 03:10

Kipper. YANBU. She is being a MASSIVE hypocrite and a bit nasty to boot. My Mum also has 'warp vision' regarding all kinds of things. She will insist that I'm wrong & she's right despite concrete evidence. It's draining.

If you are serious about cleaning, then do it. I don't know anywhere that doesn't have a lack of good cleaners. I used to own & run a domestic cleaning company, so I'd be happy to help you with some advice if you decide to go that way. The actual cleaning, some people are more naturals than others, but the ones who make the best cleaners are those that are actually happy to clean & don't just see it as a fairly horrible way to make money but do it for the flexibility. You need to get some satisfaction from seeing it looking good.

NoncommittalToSparkleMotion · 06/01/2017 03:39

Yanbu.

My mum isn't a baby boomer, she's younger, but completely out of touch with the way things are for families (jobs, money, houses, childcare etc etc) these days. And God forbid you complain, because if it was done in the past, it can be done now Hmm

She had 4 grandparents (her parents and in-laws) as free babysitting 4 days a week. She somehow forgets this though, as she "did it on her own."

My gran came over on weekends so she could have a nap! Envy

She's always hinting that she'll take care of DD if I pay her and house her. My sanity isn't worth it.

Good luck with your search. And hope your mum gets her memory back.

user1477282676 · 06/01/2017 03:49

My Mum always says "We didn't have child benefit or tax credits...I worked and so did your Dad!"

Yes...that's true...but it's because I was left alone daily from 7,00am and got myself to school from aged 8! I came home to an empty house too.

I couldn't and wouldn't do that!

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 06/01/2017 04:12

Baby boomers with selective memories boil my piss.

Oh another baby boomer bashing thread with a bit of 'it's their generation' thrown in.

Nothing like sweeping generalisations is there Hmm

Freyanna · 06/01/2017 04:13

My friend did ironing from home, it was very popular.

RhodaBorrocks · 06/01/2017 04:20

My DM is also rather selective in her memory. She likes to compare our situations a lot, only I am a single parent, she had a DH. I worked from when DS was not quite 2, she returned to work when I was 5. I went full time when DS was 4, she went full time when I was 19 (youngest DSis was then 11). She never needed before or after school care for when we were in primary education. She did have wraparound for when my DSis was at state nursery. No private nurseries were ever used.

For a while she had an evening job. We were dropped with DGP and DF would collect us when he got home. Apart from my DSis childminder the childcare costs were zero. But DGP died and it all ended. DM'S parents had already passed (I was a 'late' baby, both my parents were late babies so you can imagine my GPs were all already dead or in their 70s when I was born), so they had no other help. This is where their "we managed" attitude comes from.

When DS was little I was paying more than what I earned in childcare (thank God for tax credits) just to try and get a career.
He now only needs wraparound care but it's still pricey. XP used to have him after school some afternoons, but he's completely walked out now. To her credit, DM has taken over these afternoons so I don't have to shell out more. But it can be hit and miss. The arrangement often changes to suit her whims (ie. She will claim she was never meant to give him dinner, when that was part of the agreement, or I'll still be forced to get care when DParents go on their 4th holiday of the year).

DM is another who says her days of child rearing are over. It's actually DF that does the babysitting for me now and a teenage neighbour will do it for cash as well.

There's no after school care when DS goes to secondary in 18 months. He has ASD so I can't have him at home alone for 3 hours. The only option will be for him to walk to DParents house and stay there for a bit!

But I do get frustrated by the comparison - yes, your house was always tidy and you cooked from scratch every night because you worked PT. I'm out of the house from 8-6, there just isn't time for a daily clean plus home cooked nutritious meal!!! You might have "managed" for your time, but I'm "managing" in the modern era and they are not the same thing any more!

HermioneWoozle · 06/01/2017 04:52

A reply of "Well, obviously I'm morally defective or otherwise inferior to you in some way, but I'll have to struggle on in my own way..." usually penetrates the armour of smugness and elicits a response of "I wasn't saying that..."

ilovesooty · 06/01/2017 08:05

What "Piglet said.
Unpleasant thread.

ElfingHeck · 06/01/2017 08:10

Sounds like my friend's mum who keeps telling them they're not doing well enough by their DC because they can't afford to send them to private school. My friend finally snapped and said 'well, if you remember, it was my grandparents who paid my school fees, so maybe it's you not doing well enough then.'

Basicbrown · 06/01/2017 08:50

I was going to suggest a mixture of stuff - babysitting when you can, casual stuff on FB, cleaning/ ironing/ dog walking. In terms of cleaning you said you'd worked in hospitality before - what about chambermaiding? When I did this in my youth many of the ladies worked school hours (9.30-2ish) and as they had students who worked at weekends some of them had school holidays off as they always had cover.