About being pissed off with mum about what she said about childcare?

[PyongyangKipperbang]

Firstly....I have not asked her to do any childcare. I am not saying that she should have my kids so I can work, my kids, my choice, my problem. So..

I am looking for a job but it is a right PITA as DH works changing shifts and the only jobs I can find require before or after school childcare that would mean that we would end up with less coming in than before, and me out of the house all day. But all the kids are now at school full time and we need more money, so far so normal for most families.

Mum asked how the job search was going and I explained this to her (not dropping hints, we were just talking) and she said "Well I managed it!" as if to imply that I wasnt trying hard enough. Except that my grandparents babysat every Saturday as she worked a weekend shift, and twice a week during the holidays to cover her midweek shifts too. She brushes that off as no consequence ("They helped out during the holidays sometimes")and says that if I really wanted a job then I would find a way to make it work "But dont ask me, my childcare days are over" Which is fine, I get that, but it really fucking pisses me off with the way she suggests that she just made it work for herself when the fact is that without my grandparents she wouldnt have been able to work.

AIBU to be pissd off at her selective memory and implications that I am somehow not trying as hard as she did despite not having on tap childcare as she did?! She thinks that I am!

I don't see the point in working to pay more in childcare than you are earning. It's the reason I didn't work when my kids were small as we couldn't afford the childcare. My in laws were forever jetting off on holiday so couldn't be relied upon and my own parents, although willing to help were quite elderly plus my dad was terminally ill so We didn't think it fair on them.
Yet when my sister in law wanted to work, the in laws helped her... the holidays stopped and they'd bring the twins to my house to 'play with their cousins' and sit and watch me entertain them while they sat on their arses until it was time to drop the twins off at home when their mummy finished work. Mugged.
I got wise and went out when they had the sister in laws kids. The kids were lovely but I remembered how unhelpful the in laws were when we needed help.
I provided childcare for my daughter when she returned to work when my gs was 8 months old. Didn't take a penny off them, I did it because, unlike your mother op,I don't have a selective memory and remember the frustration of trying to find a job and affordable childcare.

I am worried that I wouldnt be good enough. I think I need training,

No, you just need confidence.

Theres a Sally Salon Services near us that do short beauty courses like Gel Nails which you could then do in school hours. I think it costs around £100 but you get the certificate and then trade discount.

Or, start training/volunteering for something for when your DCs are older and you can get the school hours jobs (eg City and Guilds IT courses)

I should add, you will probably need insurance, and possibly transport too but worth looking into.

i know what you mean about not being able to clean properly - i think the idea of shadowing someone is a good one, I'd do that. I would keep an eye on the warehouse jobs though when they come up as it's easier work than cleaning imo and meritocratic to move up as there is quite a bit of staff turnover.

In terms of being good enough - Professional cleaning is pretty routine. When I worked in a hotel you were basically told in training what to clean, with what and it was just a sequence that you followed time and time again fundamentally.

They don't come round and inspect your house to make sure standards are maintained

I know exactly how you feel. My MIL relied on DH's gran for childcare when DH was small and she also helped with shopping, housework etc right up until MIL retired so that MIL could work and also have time for herself.

DH was a SAHP whilst the DC were very young (I worked long hours) and MIL constantly made comments about why we didn't have a bigger house, better car, expensive holidays etc, surely he should work so we could have these things etc. (IIRC her first comment when we announced my pregnancy with DC2 was not 'Congratulations' but 'Aren't you ever going to work'. Lots of comments about how she and FIL only had manual jobs and bought a nice home etc so we must have more money and just be wasting it. MIL lives fairly close by and likes to visit for one day a week so when DH did look at getting work he asked if MIL might be willing to visit on a regular day each week and collect the DC from school. We got a definite no- she wants to be free to do other things if she chooses. All fine- her choice and she has no obligation to provide us with free childcare even if she received it. But it really irritates me now that I do the school run and she gives anyone who will listen the 'little old granny who only wants to spend time with her grandchildren whilst she can' speech because I won't agree to keep a specific day each week free for her to come for tea (we also want to be free to do other things if we want to- no issue with her visiting if we're around). It's the double standards that are annoying.

It was not my intention to start a boomer bashing thread, it just so happens that my mum is one and I wish I hadnt mentioned it! I only mentioned it in terms of finance as she benefitted hugely in terms of salary and pension and housing etc and as a result really doesnt get how much harder things are for parents now than they were when she was at the same stage.

This is about her selective memory about the amount of free childcare she had and denies getting!

Why are some mothers so spiteful. That response to you OP and some others is just passive aggressive bullsh*t and don't get me started on MILs. I literally have just endured a week of low lovel abuse which culminated in extreme verbal abuse while she sat there not lifting a finger whilst I ran around after her making meals, washing up hoovering and went to work. She wouldn't even offer to make a cup of tea for you. I feel for you OP and others with similar experiences and you are definitely not unreasonable!

YANBU. In my experience this is fairly typical of grandparents. They make judgements about us based on what they used to do, conveniently forgetting stuff!

I should say some grandparents, some of the time about some scenarios! Before I get bashed too.

Sympathise with that. Though my DM never said such things I never had any help at all with grandparents looking after my kids - my DM did an hour once!

Could you consider an au pair? Its a cheaper option - if you have a spare room - and good for pre-school and after school care plus some babysitting thrown in. Friends of mine have used them for 13 years.

Why are some mothers so spiteful. That response to you OP and some others is just passive aggressive bullsht and don't get me started on MILs.*

MIL aren't some homogeneous mass. Nor are DIL perfect angels either. Nor did all baby boomers stay at home.

It is sweeping statements like that which gets people's backs up as it just isn't true. and I'm not even a baby boomer or MIL

Op, I'm totally on your side. Have you thought about working in a school?

Mother was the same. She worked a full time job while i (an only child) was in primary school, I went to great grandparents every day after school and grandparents on a Friday night to stay over. She then went on the sick and never worked again (I'm now 43). She pulled me away from any college or uni thoughts and forced me to get a job, then after I got married and we adopted kids, she refused (through a third party) to help with any childcare. I then found out she'd fiddled the social in the past so I moved away from her and haven't spoken to her in over ten years.

I got a job in a school kitchen. I'm still doing the same work but now have more hours, and I get 13 weeks off a year. And I get to bring up my own children, with no childcare costs.

I started out working as a midday meal supervisor at a local school. These jobs are advertised fairly regularly in the local press. Almost from the beginning I was asked to cover extra hours for staff absences or off site swimming. Now I can work pretty much full time if I want to. Because my contacted hours are only for 2 hours a day I can turn down work and come in slightly later after my kids are in school and leave slightly earlier to collect them.

My own mum had no help from grandparents. Her mother was a unreliable alcoholic and her MIL occasionally helped out at holidays and only when we were older. She was worked at the time as a matron in a special needs residential home and basically left us downstairs with the children. We were basically looked after by the paid staff who naturally were resentful and pissed off to be left with the bosses DGC on top of the children and made sure we knew it!

These jobs are like hensteeth in many places though Candy the last dinner supervisor job at my DCs school had dozens of applicants and it is only 8 hrs a week! Same with an admin job a while back.
What astounds me is the lack of childcare outside 'standard' office hours. Even the hospital nurseries aren't usually open on bank holidays or at weekends, and there are so many jobs that have unstandard hours these days.

I worked from home until the last daughter was at school. I learnt bead stringing and populated printed circuit boards. I had no parent help, when I managed to get a job i accepted during the holidays all my salary went on childcare. I know it's difficult. Your mum sounds like she is being defensive because she doesn't want to look after your children and feels guilty.

OP - our local leisure centre is always recruiting reception / sales staff for shift work. Might be something to look in to as well as hotels. Good luck with sorting things out. My DM indicated early on she and my DF would not look after DD1 on a regular basis and we used a nursery as we needed my salary -although I later regretted feeling forced to go back to work as soon as I did and Wish I could turn the clock back. When DD1 went to school 10mins drive from DM again she declined upfront to help with before and after school as she didn't want to feel tied down and said we should use the breakfast and after school clubs on offer. She said she would pay for one of them ( I forget which) to help us out. They always dropped everything if there was any kind of emergency though. In fact it probably worked better for us this way as there were no "control" issues which can arise if GPS help look after children and we always made it plain we were grateful for the financial help but did not depend on it (it wasn't much but was an appreciated gesture and they never used it against us to make us feel guilty etc) Have you considered Mystery Shopping? There's lots of advice on MSE about this.

OP, have you thought about being an exam invigilator? All secondary schools, and some universities employ them on a casual basis. You work the days that you are available. The work is obviously limited to the exam periods so you wouldn't make a fortune but you could combine it with some of the other jobs suggested here.

For a moment I was beginning to think I was on the housepricecrash site, where boomers are selfish greed incarnate, eternally going on cruises and buying flash cars, bragging about how much their houses are worth and at the same time and berating their kids for spending so much on phones and iPads, it's no wonder they can't afford a house.

I just can't understand parents who don't realise the cost of housing and childcare nowadays. I am all too conscious of how much harder things are in so many ways for dds' generation. Are those parents all thick, or is it just that they don't read papers/watch the news/take any interest? Most parents I know are all too aware of these things.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER it's because some people will never accept things aren't hardest for them. Bizarrely although my in laws are well off I've had the 'things were so tough when the DC were young, you've had it so easy' (things have been fine for us tbh we're 40ish). But I had my first baby at 31 MIL was 23...! Er yes we'll we'd have struggled too and it's not as if contraception was unavailable in 1975. I pointed that out and haven't heard anything on the subject since. 😂

But let's not bash the generations we all have selective memories and will be the same I'm sure.

Your Mum is BU not you. Are there after school sports clubs they could attend once a week? Could you look after a friends kids after school one evening a week and they reciprocate? If there is a shortage of childcare in your area then how would you feel about becoming a childminding yourself? You could earn extra money and be home for your kids at the same time.

Thanks for the tips, seriously considering the cleaning although I do still think I need training! Just after ex and I got married I did some cleaning in an office but I got a list and that was fine, doing it self employed worries me as I think I would miss things and also I am not very good at asserting myself which isnt good for a self employed person!

If I could afford the start up then an after school club locally would make a killing and I would do that. There is no after school club provision here, with 3 primary schools there must be hundreds of parents in the same boat. But the Catch 22 is that I need money to make money by providing childcare and I cant make the money without childcare :o

There is a midway OP because there are also local small cleaning firms who employ cleaners. That way they find you the clients, but obviously you earn less. The main thing is to talk to people about what they want/ expect and keep comma open. The stuff about routine is still true though my cleaner complains like anything if she has to do the house in a different order

Gosh some of these are shockers. To offer some counterbalance my mum is one of the baby boomers who didn't ride the boom and her outlook and behaviour is very different . She was poor, council housed, single parent who worked part time in shit jobs and we lived with grandparents in their council house until I moved out at 18. Mum is really good, she is always there for us and helps with childcare, etc. She sees things are hard for the generations below. Among our friends generally the parents who are 'unhelpful' are those who did ride the boom, the stereotypypical retired at 50, multiple foreign holidays a year, inherited property from grandparents types. They are "too busy" to help or "we did our bit raising you". My friends parents moved away when she became pregnant and her husband left her- so that they couldn't be asked to help!