About being pissed off with mum about what she said about childcare?

[PyongyangKipperbang]

Firstly....I have not asked her to do any childcare. I am not saying that she should have my kids so I can work, my kids, my choice, my problem. So..

I am looking for a job but it is a right PITA as DH works changing shifts and the only jobs I can find require before or after school childcare that would mean that we would end up with less coming in than before, and me out of the house all day. But all the kids are now at school full time and we need more money, so far so normal for most families.

Mum asked how the job search was going and I explained this to her (not dropping hints, we were just talking) and she said "Well I managed it!" as if to imply that I wasnt trying hard enough. Except that my grandparents babysat every Saturday as she worked a weekend shift, and twice a week during the holidays to cover her midweek shifts too. She brushes that off as no consequence ("They helped out during the holidays sometimes")and says that if I really wanted a job then I would find a way to make it work "But dont ask me, my childcare days are over" Which is fine, I get that, but it really fucking pisses me off with the way she suggests that she just made it work for herself when the fact is that without my grandparents she wouldnt have been able to work.

AIBU to be pissd off at her selective memory and implications that I am somehow not trying as hard as she did despite not having on tap childcare as she did?! She thinks that I am!

Also, he can earn much more than me so his job is the priority rather than me taking on FT and him finding something else. If we did that when we would be in the same situation financially as we are now.

I love being told how easy i have it, and that I'm not trying hard enough, it's so helpful isn't it? It really puts a motivational spring in my step. I'm sure you feel the same Op :) No woman in my entire family has ever worked FT when they've had children, across all my sisters, SILs, GPs, aunties etc, but DH & I are lazy for being a bit worn out and finding it a bit of a struggle sometimes. Pair of moaners, that's what we are!

I don't know why they want to put their grown up children down, but it seems quite common. She probably loves u to bits really, and tells her friends how proud she is of you, but for some reason some parents feel a need to cut you down to size.
I'd just change the subject next time she asks, and if she pushes, say that you understand her views and don't find them helpful, but don't want to be arguing about it.

I've done night shifts in a supermarket on a casual basis 8pm to 6am, the hourly rate was significantly higher than day work. Would that be any use?

Chipped If I could work midnight til 8 am, then that would be perfect. Still looking!

Agencies have been useless, keep trying to get me into contracts that are the exact hours I cant do and then getting stroppy when I say I cant!

what about warehouses? they often have night-shifts.

My ILs have also selectively forgotten that their parents helped them enormously, paid off their mortgage allowing FIL to start his own business and MIL never had to work. They cannot understand why DH doesn't do the same, why he doesn't get a new car or why we don't go on more holidays - just no concept of what we earn and how much it costs to live these days.

I went back to work despite it costing us money for me to do so, because it looked like it would pay off hugely in years to come. It has done, too - I now have a job that fits around school hours. I wouldn't have been eligible for it if I hadn't taken that early hit. We were lucky enough to have family support so I could take a job despite it being uneconomical, but unfortunately thousands don't have that option.

i admit, in my 50s, i do the ' back in the day' but only regards music, or how crap life was without the internet or mobile phones!

• rose tinted glasses, they sell them on the high street. People have selective memories I'm afraid and the only people i know who worked full time with little kids had parents at their beck and call all the time ( i didn't) so i feel your pain. I hope to never do this ' life was great years ago' thing. I pull myself up from saying it. good luck finding childcare, i hope you can sort something out.

OP, my dsis works in a warehouse that distributes white goods.
She works nights and earns a huge wage, although she did only get xmas day off this year and in boxing day as a busy day.
If you are prepared to train for fork lift truck driver you get even more.
Her salary is about 35k for driving truck and stacking machines, pallets, and signing off pallets when loaded.

I don't understand how you can say you need to work for the money, but be worse off after working.

Sometimes people need to be temporary financially worse off (if they have the luxury of being able to get by) so that they can keep a career going and be better off in the long run.

yy gilly I have been round many warehouses over the years and it's amazing how many women are working there now because of the flexi hours and reasonable pay for the work. Plus the 'once you're done, you're done' clock on and off nature of it can be useful when you have DC.

DB and I used to go to Aunt's on Sunday evening in our pyjamas and get picked up Thursday teatime. That was the pattern from age 0-11.

Our parents swear blind that this happened maybe a few times a year. Except we both found our reading diaries (whilst helping Aunt to move!) and its very clear that she was the one helping with homework etc! Plus our actual memories, of course.

The need to provide generously subsidised daycare in the UK like in Norway and Sweden.

Would solve a lot of problems.

My mother had actually forgotten that my grandmother looked after us while she worked. She was holding forth about these modern mothers relying on grandparents for childcare at the time!

She was genuinely staggered when I reminded her.

Hotels are a good place to look for night shifts. At ours we always have two night staff on at least (one manager and a member of staff or two). Fair bit of administration and security tasks along with a little cleaning takes place overnight.

Ours work 11pm-7.30am.

LOL at Tanith. My mother's memory was also very selective when it came to the help she had received and the things she did and didn't do to support her DC.

Just a thought op but have you considered working for your local hospital on the bank? You pick your own shifts etc!! Worked for me while I was in limbo with hours I could work. Some shifts I did finished at 3 which gave me enough time to do school run, just had to put dc in breakfast club which was a lot cheaper than after school club!

Funnily enough the agencies are all about warehouse work, and its where DH is as an H&S supervisor, which is why I am limited. They have all just knocked off their night shifts as they are all big high street names who are winding down after Xmas. They were taking on 200 a week in October and November, but in January they are all laid off and looking for work again.

June onwards, there are jobs to just walk into, January onwards and there is nothing n the warehouses, which is why we were so pleased when he got a perm job there.

Hadnt thought of looking ito hotels. I used to work in hospitality but over nights had never occurred to me, I tend to look at pretty much anything but narrowing the search does help. thanks for the tip :)

Have the same issue
Firstly when our landlord went bust we were going to move locally to where we were and loved but parents persuaded us to move to their village as it would be much easier and they could mind the kids for us.

Only when we moved they changed their minds from day one.

So now I'm in a single Mum in a village with crap public transport and little help and no childcare and being told they had it tougher despite having two sets of available Grandparents.

user - whilst I am guessing your DC are too young to let themselves in, most do from the start of High school, so 11-12, not 15!

Good luck with finding childcare for a 15yo, and good luck persuading said 15yo to go in childcare. We had a good out of school/hols club, but that stopped at 12/13!

Keremy thats terrible :( Can you move out of the village again?

I have heard of parents/in laws doing this quite a few times on MN, they want you close enough for convenient visits and remove the bribe of childcare as soon as the key is in the lock.

Ebeneezer so basically you lived with your aunt and had weekend access with your parents from just after birth for 11 years?! Not saying you shouldnt be here or anything but I cant help wondering why they had kids!

Also, that must have been weird for you when you stopped living with her, how did you cope with that?

Mother with a selective memory here too!

Like you, I've never expected childcare from her. I strongly feel that her retirement is hers to do what she wishes with it and she can choose how she wants her relationship with my DC to be. She has chosen to never see them unless I bring them to hers, she won't come to visit me in my home, only meets me for lunch on a week day occasionally near my work, as its convenient to a favourite shop of hers. So it's not really a close relationship he has with his DGM, but it is down to me that she has any relationship at all with him. She moans that he's closer to his other Grandma.

And now she's moaning that I never ask her to babysit - err, too right I don't. I asked her twice in 4.5 years when we were badly stuck and she refused. She had no other plans, just didn't want to. So forgive me if I've taken her at her word that she does not want to do it.

Then she gives out to me because I never seem to go out with DP and it's important to make time for ourselves as a couple.

You just cannot win. I just nod and smile, nod and smile now.