About being pissed off with mum about what she said about childcare?

[PyongyangKipperbang]

Firstly....I have not asked her to do any childcare. I am not saying that she should have my kids so I can work, my kids, my choice, my problem. So..

I am looking for a job but it is a right PITA as DH works changing shifts and the only jobs I can find require before or after school childcare that would mean that we would end up with less coming in than before, and me out of the house all day. But all the kids are now at school full time and we need more money, so far so normal for most families.

Mum asked how the job search was going and I explained this to her (not dropping hints, we were just talking) and she said "Well I managed it!" as if to imply that I wasnt trying hard enough. Except that my grandparents babysat every Saturday as she worked a weekend shift, and twice a week during the holidays to cover her midweek shifts too. She brushes that off as no consequence ("They helped out during the holidays sometimes")and says that if I really wanted a job then I would find a way to make it work "But dont ask me, my childcare days are over" Which is fine, I get that, but it really fucking pisses me off with the way she suggests that she just made it work for herself when the fact is that without my grandparents she wouldnt have been able to work.

AIBU to be pissd off at her selective memory and implications that I am somehow not trying as hard as she did despite not having on tap childcare as she did?! She thinks that I am!

Years ago my mum wanted to come to toddlers group with me whilst visiting.

I introduced her and went to help set up, and came back to find her lecturing a poor frazzled new joiner with 3 kids under 4 on how she (my mum) had managed to bake and do crafts alone with her three children, so it was perfectly possible and no need for children to miss out just because there are 3 of them.

My mum has much, much bigger age gaps and she had a full time nanny. In fact my mum never baked or did crafts with us - she instructed the nanny to bake with us. Therefore we were baked with and did crafts and she covered those bases - gold star to her. However she was absolutely lying her socks off to claim that she had managed those activities personally.

She did the same type of thing to me for years til I started calling her out every time - seeing her do it to somebody else actually helped motivate me to do it. I know most people indulge this and bite their lip but I was finding I couldn't stand to phone her any more - she'd tell me I sounded down every time I called and I realised it was because I didn't want to talk to her, I'd be fine until I started psyching myself up to make the duty phone call.

She is convinced she never lies and is honest to a fault, and it seems to be because she re-writes history in her head or simply says things without processing what she is saying, so she honestly doesn't realise she is lying.

Why she does it I have no idea though! She is incredibly competitive - her competitive parenting began when told the standard baby announcement trivia - time of birth and weight etc. of my largish pfb, to which her instant and only response was to point out that her biggest baby was 1 oz heavier!

Keremy that's awful.

My mother also used to talk about (a) how very hard she had to work when my sister and I were little (b) how little help her MIL gave her with childcare.

My mother was a SAHM living in a house in the centre of Sevenoaks paid for by her parents, with a car paid for by her parents, two DC at private school and a cleaner. Her MIL had an ill, elderly DH and two DC still living at home!

YANBU to be irritated but I think all parents get to an age where their memory of how things were is pretty selective.

My mum is lovely, but she will vehemently deny things about my childhood or get the details totally wrong and then argue with me when I point out that's not how it was. Usually it's quite trivial things but sometimes quite significant and often her memories paint her as a model parent ... in fairness, she was a brilliant mum overall but obviously all mums make mistakes or have a bad day, and you'd think this was never the case for her from the way she 'remembers' certain things.

I had a friend that used to have to pay her mum to my her dd. I'm sorry but wanting paying to mind your GC. I find that detached.

So glad my parents who are baby boomers, are not like this. They had no help at all from family, and so know how tough it can be.

Good luck to my DC hoping for childcare when they have kids. As it stands with rising pension ages and my measly pension I will be working full time till I drop.

I think years ago there was a more informal support network of childcare. I can remember my mum helping out various friends and neighbours by watching their kids, you didn' t need to formally be a childminder. Nowadays it's harder . Have you checked whether you can get help for childcare costs through child tax credits or consider working weekends/ nights yourself around your dh's shifts so he can look after them when you work. perhaps something flexible like agency/bank care work?

I really don't understand why some GPs are so unwilling to help with childcare ( providing they are healthy). I help my DD as much as I can and am happy to do so as a) I get to spend precious time with my DGS and b) childcare is so expensive and I want my DD to have sufficent income not to struggle. My DM was if the " you've made your bed , lie on it " mentality when my DC were young so childcare was a bit of a nightmare at times and I depended heavily on friends. It amazes me when my fellow baby boomers say things like they " have done with childcare"- bit selfish in my view .

Pyongyang yep just the weekends and holidays we lived with parents. To be fair to them they both worked shifts but where the childcare was coming from seemed to be something they didn't really think about.

We still saw Aunt lots after 11- pretty much everyday - we just didn't sleep there any more. It didn't seem weird to us at the time because it was wrapped in with starting high school.

Yanbu. How unhelpful of her. Some of the baby boomer generation get right on my nerves as they don't realise how very blessed they were.

My parents are too far away to be of any help with childcare so they wouldn't be asked, but my Mum is very fond of saying "oh we are far too old to be able to help you"...She's been saying this for years (is now 70) . Usually I just ignore it as it's not like I m going to ask, but the last time she started on I just replied "well its a good job Grandma didn't think that". She soon shut up.

I live with my Gran from the age of about 4/5 until I was 12. My GP's were just about to retire when they took on two young DC's

So glad my parents who are baby boomers, are not like this. They had no help at all from family, and so know how tough it can be.

Same here. My parents are absolute God sends. And my mum actually tells me frequently that I don't have to be super mum and to ask for help.

YANBU.

Could you get an evening job? I had an evening cleaning job for a year which I hated, but it worked better with childcare.

I feel for you, its hard to find something.

How about being a midday supervisor/dinner lady?

When DS was born FIL told DH not to expect them to babysit as they had "done their child rearing". They live a couple of hours away so I have no idea how them babysitting with any regularity would work.
Fast forward on five years and they have probably seen the DCs twice a year since and shown very little interest. My parents move closer to be nearer DH and l, suddenly Mil in a fit if jealousy (oblivious to the fact my parents are in very poor health and can't look after the DCs) wants us to sack our nanny so she can look after the DCs for us.

Too little too late.

My mother does this too. I remind her that from the age of about 11, I WAS her childcare provider in the school holidays (was at boarding school the rest of the time). She used to moan about how much she had to do, but she went to work and left us a list of all the cleaning and cooking that had to be done, and when she came home all she did was put her feet up and moan some more! Once she wanted to go on a course for Guides and she insisted that my recently widowed grandmother travel from Wales to Germany to look after my younger sisters for a week. because that was her right, apparently.
So yes, it annoys me when she gets all drama-queeny about being asked to look after my 4 year old for one whole hour because I was in too much pain (ended up in hospital with a morphine drip) and then I couldn't go to bed because she wouldn't STFU about missing her afternoon nap so I ended up babysitting the bloody pair of them. In 14 years this is literally the only childcare she has done for me.
Sorry, my mother and childcare is a bit of a sore point. Should I have grandchildren I hope I will be allowed to babysit at every opportunity because I don't think that grandchildren are a burden and I'd want to see them anyway, regardless of what their mother is doing.

Chipped If I could work midnight til 8 am, then that would be perfect.
Care homes are always wanting staff, particularly on nights.

...or set up as a chiildminder

Not all parents have selective memories. Mum was always very supportive of me as a working mother, acknowledging that both parents working full time is almost a necessity these days. Mum was a SAHM when we were very little, worked at our church flexible 'school hours' when we started school and didn't return to full time employment until I (the youngest) was around 16 so she never really needed full time childcare. When she worked at the church, her mum watched us if we were off ill.

When I had DS1 my mum was still working. But when she retired she made it clear that although she was available for 'babysitting' or caring for DS1 when he was ill or otherwise couldn't go to daycare during my workweek, she was NOT interested in a 'second career' providing full time care. This was fine with me as childcare 'way back then' was very affordable and Mum certainly did 'step up' when she was needed. And she NEVER criticized childcare arrangements.

...or set up as a chiildminder

Ah, that old chestnut, as if anyone can just become a registered child minder on a whim, just like that

YANBU op. My baby boomer grandmother is similar in terms of how her kids were raised. They were all riding bikes with no stabilisers by age 2 and never had Tantrums in public, never did X or Y because they wouldn't have dared. Very selective memory. I just nod, agree and then change the subject. Fortunately she is more understanding of how difficult it can be for the current generation to get on their feet, so it could be worse.

@angeldelightedme I presume that was said jokingly

I couldn't work if my mum didn't provide childcare , we are 80th (!) on the after school club waiting list and childminders are like hens teeth. I don't pay her but ever hour she looks after dc I 'repay' with an hour of my time. I hate this system because obviously this means 2 10 hour days at the weekend or getting home after 8 in the evening.

I looked at a nanny (out of sheer desperation) and got a very tearful lecture about how sad it wasn't for children to be raised by paid strangers, eh, ok, I had a childminder from 7.30 to 7.30 from age 3 to 12. Frequently didn't see mum after she said bye in the morning til the next morning.

And if she tells me one more time how childcare is all free these days I'll scream.

Yanbu. I have been fortunate enough to get the holy grail of jobs and work 9-2.30 in a high school. My youngest is currently in nursery ft and so I don't bring home an awful lot after childcare fees, but it helps. I also work evenings at the weekend in a bar which is pretty flexible. When I got the school job my mum asked why I didn't get a full time job! I explained that the cost of having to put 2 in childcare over all of the school holidays would eat up any extra that I could earn, she told me that she managed when me and my sister were little, conveniently forgetting that she had subsidised childcare due to my dad being in the forces

Noni

" I don't pay her but ever hour she looks after dc I 'repay' with an hour of my time. I hate this system because obviously this means 2 10 hour days at the weekend or getting home after 8 in the evening."

What does your mother want you to do in this 'repayment time'?

Noni so you work all week and then work at the weekends for your mum to pay her back for the childcare?

Get the nanny, seriously! Dont give in to emotional blackmail, it just isnt worth it.