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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get DDs christened and not tell dad?

204 replies

purpleframe · 04/01/2017 22:33

We've been split since DD twins were babies. They're now 7. They see their dad twice a year and he lives hundreds of miles away. He is staunchly atheist and would never agree to a christening.
I've had a baby with my partner (been together for years) and we'd like to get all the kids christened together. DDs do a lot of religious education at school and would be keen.
Basically if I ask for exH permission, he'd definately say no. But frankly- he puts so little effort in (contact maybe once a month on skype between visits) that I'm inclined to do it anyway, even though I know it would be against his wishes. I know I'm probably BU (and ironically that this doesn't feel like a very 'Christian' thing to do!) But I'd really like to do it.

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 06/01/2017 20:17

Dutch good point, I see what you mean.

sashh "If those discussions surrounded what is best for the child and why they want to do or not do something then separation should not change it because it should still be inIf those discussions surrounded what is best for the child and why they want to do or not do something then separation should not change it because it should still be in the best interests of the child.

The problem with the argument '... in the best interests of the child.' Is that most 'religious' parents will think that their faith is in their child's best interests and I think (would imagine) most non-religious or atheist parents would not.

Plus one changes one views at times. I know women who married someone who was non-Christian when they felt their faith was not very important to them but 'came back to it later' and I know one woman whose husband professed faith before marriage and now seems to have gone off it. If the couple are still together they have a good incentive to find a good way forward, and if they are co-parenting but not 'together' there is still an incentive to find a good way forward.

In the OP's situation there is little desire to find a suitable way forward. Personally I would say dedication, or blessing or whatever the church agrees to do that is not baptism might be a good way forward as it allow the children to choose what they want when they can understand better. And if the ex knows or understands anything about religion he would understand it is not exactly the same.

Despite the fact my dd was dedicated almost 12 years ago, I do sometimes wonder if we made the right choice! There is something very special, to me, about infant baptism; but with my logical hat on I know God loves my kids as much as any so in once sense, to me as a Christian, it doesn't really matter either way.

SandyY2K · 06/01/2017 23:51

The fact that he had no interest in their choice of school, he didn't insist it wasn't a faith school. .... well he's just not bothered. You don't move hundreds of miles away after being unfaithful and get to have a say IMO.

It would be nice to know what you decide if possible.

TrillKitten · 07/01/2017 02:02

In your OP you say outright it's against his wishes, you're probably being unreasonable, it's not very Christian and yet you want to do it..

None of these are good reasons for your child to have this ceremony. Please consider letting this be a choice for your DDs (and seriously consider that they are separate humans who may make different choices on this matter!) OR help us understand why this is not all about you and actually something they want.. because right now this feels like you vs Ex and they're getting stuck in the middle :/

debbs77 · 07/01/2017 10:14

How about a naming ceremony instead? Non religious yet still celebrates your children. And you could announce legal guardians (rather than God parents)

PurpleDaisies · 07/01/2017 10:16

Legal guardians aren't equivalent to godparents. Godparents don't have any legal responsibilities any more.

Italiangreyhound · 07/01/2017 11:45

TrillKitten what makes you think having a child baptized, when it is not something the absent patent wants, is not very Christian? I'm not talking about the potential lying, I'm talking aboiy the actual baptism.

Debbs a naming ceremony is fine but they are 8, so have had their names a long time. It send the OP and des want a Christian ceremony.

Italiangreyhound · 07/01/2017 11:47

Sorry that should say It seems the OP and dds want a Christian ceremony.

TrillKitten · 07/01/2017 20:03

Italiangreyhound I think you misread my post - the "not very christian" is part of the list of things I am saying OP says in her own post. It does refer to the lying and I am echoing her, not adding thoughts of my own. Maybe take a re-read ?

Italiangreyhound · 08/01/2017 00:04

Ah sorry Trill I thought that was your opinion and not the OP's. And I guess she was referring to the lying, which I was not including in the equation.

Apologies. Thanks

Italiangreyhound · 08/01/2017 09:34

Hi OP* I hope all is well. I wonder if you have made a decision?

Can I share something someone told me a while back. She was a youth leader and said children decided at quite an early age, 9 or 10, whether they would go to church when older. Although they could not decide at 9 or 10 to stop going, that was the age they decided if they would stop going when older.

At the time we were going to a small, not very lively church with very few children. We decide to move church to one with more kids. We’ve now attended our church for about two and a half years. It is full of kids and children’s groups and very lively. We do not attend church if we travel away from home (maybe half a dozen times a year) but normally, if we are at home, we go on a Sunday.

It is one hour and it very close. I have no idea if our kids will continue to go once older, I fear not, but I feel we have given them the best possible opportunity to understand what our faith means and what it means to go to church regular.

I don’t believe this alone will make them Christians but it will help them to decide if this is what they want to do on their Sunday mornings. And maybe, more importantly, it will impact them spiritually.

Having your kids baptized won’t, in my humble option, make a massive difference. But committing to one hour (possibly with another 15 minutes each way travelling) per Sunday may make a different. Your dh can stay home with baby or all of you go together. The latter is best. The family will develop together and also develop new friends etc as you become a closer part of the church community.

Got to go now… you know where! Wink

BabychamSocialist · 08/01/2017 15:57

Sorry. He's their father and he gets a say in this.

Also I don't like any child being forced into religion, quite frankly. It should be personal choice.

Soubriquet · 08/01/2017 16:23

I don't get all this fuss about christening

I was christened as a baby, but me and my parents are not at all religious.

It's just the done thing around here to christen your child

My children aren't christened but it wouldn't matter to me if they was. It's just a bit of water and a certificate. That's it

I always tick other for my religious status and say non-religious

SoupDragon · 09/01/2017 07:41

It's just a bit of water and a certificate.

I feel the same. However, there are people who strongly object to it (which I find just as "odd" and people who believe strongly in it)

NewNNfor2017 · 09/01/2017 08:38

It's just the done thing around here to christen your child

I thought you had to attend church regularly for the period leading up to the Christening?

If some churches are using Christening/babtism as a money-spinner sold to all comers, then isn't that disrespectful of those parishioners who hold true faith?

Italiangreyhound · 09/01/2017 09:03

NewNNfor2017 How much money do you think there is on baptizing babies!

I am delighted when people choose to have a child baptized. Their choice.

IWantATardis · 09/01/2017 09:14

Depends on the church, NewNN.

The one my DC were baptised in didn't require church attendance beforehand (although we did go to church anyway). They didn't charge any fees either. There was a collection in church as part of the christening service, but no one was obliged to put money in if they didn't want to.

The vicar said to me something along the lines of that they were happy to do any christenings regardless of whether the family were churchgoers, and they hoped that families who didn't normally do church would be encouraged to return if they had a good experience of a welcoming christening service.

monkeymamma · 09/01/2017 09:44

I cannot believe how many people are telling you that YANBU. Good grief. It would be harder to find a better way to utterly disrespect your children's father and everything he believes in.
If he was muslim or hindu would people be giving the same response??!! Why are atheists not awarded any awareness or respect for their beliefs?

Soubriquet · 09/01/2017 09:48

No my sister had my niece christened. She doesn't attend church. Christening cost them nothing.

There was a box for donations at the back. Which you could donate or not. Your choice

She then paid to have a party afterwards

CatWithKittens · 09/01/2017 15:09

There is no fee for a Baptism in the Church of England: www.churchofengland.org/media/2430061/fees_table_2016_short_summary.pdf

Starlight2345 · 09/01/2017 15:18

Sorry no time to RTT.. off on school run...

My DS was 7 when christened .. his choice..

He asked to be..I am LP no contact with Ex... I spoke vicar who said is he likely to turn up. I said No...My DS was asked directly by her if he wanted to be christened and why at that age..They do consent.

The comments of PR .My Ex has pr and has a say in where my ds goes to school. I do not ask him .I have no idea at all. I would consider someone who sees his children for a few hours a couple of hours a week to have no real idea what is right for their child...

NewNNfor2017 · 09/01/2017 16:39

No, I realise there isn't a fee, but do non-church going parents really have their DCs christened and not make a significant donation to the church?

I take back my post about churches using it as a money spinner - it sounds like non- religious parents taking advantage of the church's goodwill.

PurpleDaisies · 09/01/2017 16:41

No, I realise there isn't a fee, but do non-church going parents really have their DCs christened and not make a significant donation to the church?

Yes, they really don't make big donations to the church. Why would they?

Soubriquet · 09/01/2017 16:42

A lot don't make any donation no.

It's just a ceremony to them

The thing they really want is the after party

PurpleDaisies · 09/01/2017 16:43

The thing they really want is the after party

Or the certificate for school applications...

Soubriquet · 09/01/2017 16:46

Possible...but presents and money helps