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AIBU?

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Original poster

To get DDs christened and not tell dad?

204 replies

purpleframe · 04/01/2017 22:33

We've been split since DD twins were babies. They're now 7. They see their dad twice a year and he lives hundreds of miles away. He is staunchly atheist and would never agree to a christening.
I've had a baby with my partner (been together for years) and we'd like to get all the kids christened together. DDs do a lot of religious education at school and would be keen.
Basically if I ask for exH permission, he'd definately say no. But frankly- he puts so little effort in (contact maybe once a month on skype between visits) that I'm inclined to do it anyway, even though I know it would be against his wishes. I know I'm probably BU (and ironically that this doesn't feel like a very 'Christian' thing to do!) But I'd really like to do it.

OP posts:
NewNNfor2017 · 04/01/2017 23:08

Will he care? Surely if he's an atheist it's only a bit of water and doesn't mean anything anyway

I'm an atheist, and I'd be hacked off if my exH selected people to make public promises to take responsibility for my DDs religious education (I'm assuming a CofE christening).

allowlsthinkalot · 04/01/2017 23:13

Which of the ten commandments exactly would the OP be breaking Paul?

And the OP has already said her twins would be keen. Baptism is a promise by the parents to raise a child in a faith. Confirmation, which is the person's own decision to follow that faith, happens later.

allowlsthinkalot · 04/01/2017 23:14

You don't actually need his permission, legally or according to the church. YANBU at all.

PurpleDaisies · 04/01/2017 23:16

Baptism is a promise by the parents to raise a child in a faith.

The op hasn't actually said that raising her children in the faith is important to her. It doesn't sound like they're going up church at the moment.

TheCraicDealer · 04/01/2017 23:16

I would be annoyed at my kids being stood up and having them make commitments (or other people make them on their behalf- not sure what they do at 8) they don't really understand. It could be Catholicism, it could be Scientology, it could even be bloody brownies- if I think it's been done "because it would be nice" without any deeper consideration then i would not be cool with that.

Baptism is a sacrament (in CoI anyway- harking back to my confirmation classes here) and it's a bit of a joke to people who take that seriously to treat it as a "nice day out" imho. If you're of the view that "it doesn't really matter' it's just a bit of water", you probably shouldn't be doing it full stop with any of the children.

PyongyangKipperbang · 04/01/2017 23:17

I dont think that a man who sees his kids twice a year has any right to steam in and start laying down the law to the parent who actually takes care of their physical, emotional and spiritual well being. If the children agree then I think they should do it.

However, that is based on the OP being a church attender with her kids and having a true belief. If not then none of them should be baptised.

TrillKitten · 04/01/2017 23:19

YABU. And selfish. And hypocritical.

I would take a very close look at why you're so keen on doing this when you know it's wrong (if you really thought it was completely reasonable there'd be no need to post here for this one)

PyongyangKipperbang · 04/01/2017 23:21

Good luck with the moral high ground when you receive legal papers.

To what end? They cant be un-baptised, and a parent who sees them twice a year will neither want nor get full residency. At most I would imagine a few pissed off emails or phone calls. I would be very surprised if he would pay the £££ it would cost to go to court simply for the OP to get a bollocking and warning to not do it again.

jamdonut · 04/01/2017 23:22

I never had my 3 children christened because I firmly believe a child should be allowed to choose their religion, if any, for themselves when they are old enough to understand what they are doing.
If they wanted to be baptized , or whatever, that's their choice, not one I've imposed on them. I feel quite strongly about this.
I was christened as a baby, but I don't do religion.
My mum, grandparents and MIL were all very miffed that I chose not to get them christened!

NewNNfor2017 · 04/01/2017 23:24

You don't actually need his permission, legally or according to the church. YANBU at all.

That's splitting hairs because if he has PR, then irrespective of the nature of his relationship with his DCs, he has an equal legal responsibility for their discipline, education, name, medical care and religion.

That means that the OP is obligated to consult him, and if she chooses not to, or does so and they do not agree, the courts can be approached to resolve the issue.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 04/01/2017 23:25

I would be very surprised if he would pay the £££ it would cost to go to court simply for the OP to get a bollocking and warning to not do it again.

Then you could very well be suprised.

It does happen.

NewNNfor2017 · 04/01/2017 23:29

I would be very surprised if he would pay the £££ it would cost to go to court simply for the OP to get a bollocking and warning to not do it again.

You're assuming that he won't find out in advance. Given that the DCs can are in contact with him and old enough to communicate, there is a risk, that even in instructed by their mother not to, they will let the cat out of the bag if they talk to him.
And in that instance, a court fee of a couple of £hundred, would be enough for an emergency application to the court for a specific issue/prohibited steps order. Which would require the OP to delay the christening until a full hearing resolved the issue.

I'm risk averse - so it's not something I'd be prepared to chance.

PyongyangKipperbang · 04/01/2017 23:30

I know it does, but the OP hasnt indicated that he is one of those exes that is pretty camped out at his solicitors.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 04/01/2017 23:30

all the ninth. Thou shalt not bear false witness.

If you want your children indoctrinated into religion then you should at least have the courtesy to follow the religious teachings of said church. Lying to their father just isn't on.

Pluto30 · 04/01/2017 23:31

They cant be un-baptised

Exactly why the decision should be left to the child, and it shouldn't be imposed upon them before they understand what it means.

BertrandRussell · 04/01/2017 23:33

A lot of schools require infant baptism so it may not work.

NewNNfor2017 · 04/01/2017 23:33

As an aside, it pisses me off when women are encouraged to disregard Family Law because it's toothless and there won't be any consequence; it plays right into the hands of MRA who believe that the courts are bias towards mothers.

And don't get me started on the moral issues associated with coaching 7 year old DCs not to mention to their father a specific and significant event that is happening in their lives.

Greatblue0wl · 04/01/2017 23:35

Did he move hundreds of miles away, or you? Is this your religion or one you have adopted with your new partner? If you were already part of the church when you were together then it may not be a surprise to him.

elvis86 · 04/01/2017 23:36

I think posters have made quite a few assumptions about the father from the OP. He lives 100s of miles away, but the OP hasn't specified whether this is because he moved away / because she moved away / because they both moved away from where they lived as a couple. If the OP had, for example, moved their kids to the other end of the country to be with a new man, then it may cast dad's involvement in their lives in a slightly different light.

I think this is a complex one. Whether the OP is BU depends initially on her reasons for wanting to get the children christened. Do you practice Christianity? Do you attend church regularly?

If not, christening children because it's "the done thing" is a load of bollocks - if it's for that reason YWBU to do it. Moreso where it's against their father's wishes, but that would depend on the true nature of his relationship with the children.

If you are practicing Christians and the children are keen, and if dad genuinely and voluntarily has little to do with their upbringing, I think it would be reasonable for you to have them christened.

I do agree that at 7 the children should have a say. You've only cited RE lessons when it comes to their opinion on this? If this is the extent of their interest in Christianity then it's fairly flimsy. They will also likely learn about Islam and Judaism in RE lessons - are you going to have similar ceremonies in each faith?Hmm

Difficult one to call without further info.

Megatherium · 04/01/2017 23:37

To stand any chance of getting away with this you would have to tell your children to lie to their father. That is the very reverse of what you would be promising for them in baptism. Don't do it.

elQuintoConyo · 04/01/2017 23:40

Fuck no. Don't be ridiculous.

PyongyangKipperbang · 04/01/2017 23:40

Exactly why the decision should be left to the child, and it shouldn't be imposed upon them before they understand what it means.

Thats what confirmation is for.

CoE tradition states that a baby is baptised as soon as possible after birth, this is when the parent/s promise/s to bring the child up in the faith. When the child is old enough they confirm that with their own promises.

crashdoll · 04/01/2017 23:40

I'm torn. One one hand, I realise why it would be wrong if he has PR but equally, if he's an atheist, he won't feel like it has any meaning so why would he care?

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/01/2017 23:41

DDs do a lot of religious education at school and would be keen. Well that's sort of circular because presumably you put them in a school that indoctrinated them so that's not exactly a free choice.

I'd say wait until later.

BertrandRussell · 04/01/2017 23:41

It'll be about secondary school. You mark my words.

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