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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not help out another parent?

370 replies

arethereanyleftatall · 04/01/2017 18:38

More of a wwyd.

Dds best friends mum has just texted to ask if we could pick her dd up every week and drop her home from an activity they're both about to start doing. We technically could, we're going anyway and it would only add about 5 mins extra to do the drop off on way home. But....over the years this will we well over 100 favours we have done for them. I haven't particularly been counting but there's been a term of getting her from school and having her for tea, a term of picking up and dropping at another activity etc. I have had to ask them for a favour a handful of times over the years and every time it's 'we'd love to help but can't because of x'. It will be my dh picking up, and I know he'll just do it no problem, but it's really beginnng to piss me off. Wwyd?

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 05/01/2017 13:47

"t's not the op's fault the parents are arses either. Maybe if everyone stopped facilitating their behaviour they'd have step up and parent their dc properly and not expect others to do it for them."

Yeah, well. If I can do something for somebody that doesn't cost me anything I'll do it. Particularly if it's a child. But I try very hard not to be an arse myself.

FetchezLaVache · 05/01/2017 13:48

It is the OP's business, though, if she was Plan A all along, which I think it's clear she was.

Megatherium · 05/01/2017 13:48

But the kid gets to the club. Not it's fault it's parents are arses.

If OP agrees to this, it is inevitable that at some point it will impact on her kids - e.g. when they can't make plans to do something immediately afterwards because the other kid has to be taken home, they're ill and can't go but OP has all the hassle of letting the other mother know and/or as to flog out anyway to get the other kid, they can't go off with another kid after the activity, etc etc. It isn't OP's fault that the other parent has committed her daughter to this activity without making arrangements for getting her there. And in the final analysis the other parent can sort it out, even it means paying a childminder and/or a taxi.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 05/01/2017 13:55

. Its okay every now and then, say in an emergency, but. Not every week. That's abusing a friendship. Just use her line. You'd love to help, but........... She doesn't run round after you like a blue arsed fly.
You scratch my back. I'll scratch yours and all that

BertrandRussell · 05/01/2017 13:58

If you can't do it any week you just say you can't do it. But if most weeks you're just going there and back I can't see the problem.

ALittleMop · 05/01/2017 14:00

I bet you a fiver that the OP gets no reply and the kid turns up at the club having scrounged a lift off some other person.

People like this have no shame. People with childcare or work to juggle I can understand and for a mate - ie a parent who was a friend of mine - I would just do it. But this isn't a one of those scenarios!

AcrossthePond55 · 05/01/2017 14:04

If she hasn't replied it could also be that she thinks that if she 'waits you out' that you'll transport her DD.

I'd give it today (if you can) then text tomorrow "Since I haven't heard from you regarding ride-sharing, I'm assuming you've made other arrangements. DD is looking forward to seeing your DD at " or something similar.

WankersHacksandThieves · 05/01/2017 14:10

There might be loads of kids who would enjoy going to this club that their parents have had to say no to as they are unable to facilitate a pick up. Why should this particular child be the one that gets to go just because her mother is a cheeky cow?

Maybe it would be fairer for OP to offer her lift services wider to accommodate other children and pick the most deserving for a lift?

nat73 · 05/01/2017 14:12

If you are cheesed off now you certainly will be after 6 months. As others have said suggest you share, if that is not possible say you cant do it.

Megatherium · 05/01/2017 14:18

If you can't do it any week you just say you can't do it. But if most weeks you're just going there and back I can't see the problem.

As pointed out upthread, it's not just going there and back. It's the extra journey to the friend's house, which over the year will mount up in terms of both time and petrol. It's never going to be just 5 minutes extra either, by the time whoever is collecting has had to wait for two children to be ready rather than one, the friend can't find her coat or is busy chatting to someone else, etc. To say nothing of the inevitable last minute requests to have the friend for tea afterwards, and the hassle when OP can't collect and friend's mother starts putting pressure on her to do it anyway. Sure, OP can say no, but it's still wholly unnecessary aggravation.

SoEverybodyDance · 05/01/2017 14:25

Aside from whether or not you feel like being generous and putting up with the one sidedness or not (and I think I'd want to share it with the other mum, if at all), I don't think it's a great example to your daughter to be best friends with a girl from a family who invests so little in her friendships.

I do not like all my children's friends equally but I certainly try to invest time in them and their friendships and do activities with their families because it demonstrates to my child (and theirs) how to value relationships. If her mother can't be bothered to treat people well or be reciprocal in her relationships, what messages will she be passing on to her daughter, and honestly what messages are you passing on to your daughter by doing things for and encouraging a friendship with someone who can't even return a play date?

Magzmarsh · 05/01/2017 14:32

Well said so everybody. I wish I'd clocked on sooner rather than me and dd being treated like mugs for over ten years.

TaggieRR · 05/01/2017 14:33

Hope she agrees to share OP!

WankersHacksandThieves · 05/01/2017 14:35

honestly what messages are you passing on to your daughter by doing things for and encouraging a friendship with someone who can't even return a play date?

My DSs eyes were opened a few times by the same family, on one occasion he wasn't allowed in to play because it was the dog's birthday. On another, he was invited over to this friend with another friend who was coming over to ours. They were invited over to see a new puppy. When other friend had to cancel, DS got blanked when he asked what time he should come over to see puppy. This was supposed to be his best friend. there were other things that DS is unaware of. I carried on facilitating this friendship for a few years but strangely now DS is a teenager he has nothing to do with them anymore.

mya83 · 05/01/2017 15:33

.

JerryFerry · 05/01/2017 16:08

Bertrand but she doesn't want to do it. She's done favours for the family for years and she doesn't want to do it anymore. So she would be going out of her way, maybe not physically but well out of her comfort zone. That does not make her an arse. If anyone is being an arse it's the other child's parents.

Kr1stina · 05/01/2017 16:26

I don't mind doing more than my share of favours as long as there is a good reason. So if it's a single parent, the parents work shifts, have health problems, have lots of other children etc I don't mind at all.

I do mind being exploited because someone is lazy.

Oh and yes, before anyone asks, I do indeed get to be the judge of what is a good reason Wink

SpermThroughASashWindow · 05/01/2017 16:27

Any reply, OP?

Funpixie · 05/01/2017 17:29

All I can say is my child is MY responsibility and I work stupid hours in the City and am a sole parent of a 4yo. I pay a minted mate who is a stay at home mum when I need help! Your friends parents seem to be taking the proverbial!

sunshinemode · 05/01/2017 17:36

If it doesn't bother you and the children enjoy it do it if not don't. I pick up another child every day from school and my son enjoys the company. That parent is very rarely able to help me out due to work but other parents do so it all works out in the end.

bonbonours · 05/01/2017 17:39

I do lots of picking up other people's kids and dropping them places BUT there is always some sort of reciprocation even if it's uneven. Nobody's counting but we all know we can ask each other for favours now and then. If it's always one way then that's not on. Is there a reason it's tricky for them or is she just lazy? Eg dd's friend has a baby sister and a single mum so I always do the 7pm pick up as it's understandable her not wanting to take baby out then whereas my dh will be home so I can leave the kids with him.

Original poster
arethereanyleftatall · 05/01/2017 17:47

No reply yet.

I think, as someone suggested upthread, I won't hear from her. I think she's probably trying to find someone else to do it, and if she doesn't, I expect I'll get a text on the day asking us to do pick up.
I'm not going to text again, as I don't think it's in my interest to chase it up.
A few have asked the logistics - her house is only 5 mins from house, so it will add only that to our journey. But the drop off and pick up take about 45 mins each, to include the travel there and back each time, and ushering the girls in and out.
So it makes absolute sense to take turns. And in her mind it makes absolute sense for us to do it!
I'll update if anything else happens.

OP posts:
impossible · 05/01/2017 17:51

Why dont you share the journey? Just respond to her text saying - could we take turns?

We had no car for some years and our ds was given lots of lifts to football events by friends' parents. We tried to repay in other ways but did worry about whether these other parents minded (they gave no indication if they did mind). We now have a car and do the bulk of driving for our ds and his friends, happy to make up for all the lifts we've received.

Having been on both sides of this situation I think you should be clear if you're feeling resentful. Do ask the other mum if you could share the journeys rather than build up resentment. You may find that there is no way she can do the journeys which might make you feel better and she may realise you are doing her a lot of favours. It's likely your ds's friend's mum would be horrified if she thought you felt she was taking advantage of you.

impossible · 05/01/2017 17:52

Just seen your updates - sorry for my delayed response.

Original poster
arethereanyleftatall · 05/01/2017 17:52

She and her dh do both work full time and have only one car (compared to dh and I - him ft, me part time and two cars) so that is why in the past I've been happy to help out with lifts and childcare. But there are other things she could have done to reciprocate, e.g. babysat of an evening (I have a few times for her, she didn't respond when I asked for us), or had dd for play date (never), or said thank you occasionally (never).

OP posts:
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