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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not help out another parent?

370 replies

arethereanyleftatall · 04/01/2017 18:38

More of a wwyd.

Dds best friends mum has just texted to ask if we could pick her dd up every week and drop her home from an activity they're both about to start doing. We technically could, we're going anyway and it would only add about 5 mins extra to do the drop off on way home. But....over the years this will we well over 100 favours we have done for them. I haven't particularly been counting but there's been a term of getting her from school and having her for tea, a term of picking up and dropping at another activity etc. I have had to ask them for a favour a handful of times over the years and every time it's 'we'd love to help but can't because of x'. It will be my dh picking up, and I know he'll just do it no problem, but it's really beginnng to piss me off. Wwyd?

OP posts:
LiveLifeWithPassion · 05/01/2017 12:08

In a similar situation, my friend does the drop offs and I do the pick ups. When one of us can't do it, the other does both.
That's how it should work. A bit of give and take, thinking how we can help each other.

Your good nature is being taken advantage of. Do what most people are saying and tell her you can't do it. You don't need to give a reason.

Jaxhog · 05/01/2017 12:11

Suggest you share the pick-ups 50/50. Then if she doesn't do her share, just tell her you can't continue.

Of just say no, if she's really that flaky.

Potnoodlewilld0 · 05/01/2017 12:13

Do some parents actually book their kids on courses knowing full well they can't take them and expect other parents to .. Well parent them? Some activities require an adult to stay at the venue the whole time. How entitled is that!

Only1scoop · 05/01/2017 12:13

Op she's clearly put her dd In an activity that she cannot logistically manage herself. You are clearly EXPECTED to carry out that role.

She put her dd in this club knowing this....this parent is clearly one of lifes takers. Avoid. Do not become her unpaid helper.

Only1scoop · 05/01/2017 12:14

Potnoodle crossed post
My first thoughts exactly

BertrandRussell · 05/01/2017 12:14

"t does put you out. That doesn't necessarily mean saying no, you have to weigh up everything of course, but it's just not true to say "it doesn't put you out".

The OP has already said it doen't put her out.
And in any of the circumstances you list you just send a text saying "sorry, can't do X run tonight" i don't think even mumsnetters would consider sending a 6 word text a massive imposition!

Potnoodlewilld0 · 05/01/2017 12:16

Also what if your dd is ill and can't go - it means her child will miss out. How is that fair?

TBH I'd say no to the whole thing - a one off yes but to commit to making sure some some one else's kid gets to do the course is too much.

Is it a pre paid activity? Would she expect a refund if your child wasn't go - making her child not able to go or would she still expect you to take her?

FetchezLaVache · 05/01/2017 12:21

It's beginning to piss you off because you've realised that this woman is taking advantage of your good nature.

I'd text "I don't want to commit to dropping your DD off every week because we won't necessarily be going straight home every time, so it would suit me better to alternate. But if you're saying you can't do any pick-ups at all due to the clash, how were you planning to get your DD home when you signed her up?"

Only1scoop · 05/01/2017 12:22

She's an entitled taker of others good nature.
Don't start it in the first place on this activity.

ALittleMop · 05/01/2017 12:27

That's never the way it works Pot Noodle, though is it? The asker in this case is clearly a bit of a pisstaker but taking someone else's kid with you when you are going somewhere is not the same as guaranteeing to provide a free transport service, if you are not going yourself for whatever reason. No-one in their right mind expects that.

OP I am dying to know what she says. YANBU to not want to do it, but I probably would, for the kid and for my DD to be able to go with her friend. You may find her daughter simply turns up with someone else. I'd be looking a trying to find a little lift share circle - we do this for DS1's scouts and it works well - there's always someone who slacks off a bit - in this case it's the people with 2 cars and just one kid, who both want to do their own activities that night (whereas the rest of us with 3 - 5 kids and foster kids have all given up on our own hobbies) but they are nice people, grateful and we take the piss but don't mind so much.

minipie · 05/01/2017 12:27

The OP has already said it doesn't put her out.

Yes but it seemed like she was just thinking of the average week, not all the times things might be a bit different.

When things are different OP could just send a text yes but I can see the other mum guilt tripping the OP for letting her/her DD down...

minipie · 05/01/2017 12:29

Yes I like this:

if you're saying you can't do any pick-ups at all due to the clash, how were you planning to get your DD home when you signed her up?

Would like to see her explain that one.

Backt0Black · 05/01/2017 12:31

Nah shes a pisstaker, youre not insured to provide adhoc semi-regular childcare I assume? Yes its a silly question but is she the sort that will scream the street down if something went wrong while she was utilising your free childcare services? Probably.

dowhatnow · 05/01/2017 12:32

I'd text "I don't want to commit to dropping your DD off every week because we won't necessarily be going straight home every time, so it would suit me better to alternate. But if you're saying you can't do any pick-ups at all due to the clash, how were you planning to get your DD home when you signed her up?"

I like that. You could send it as a follow up to the other text given she hasn't responded.

Potnoodlewilld0 · 05/01/2017 12:32

Alittlemop how do you know that wouldn't be expected? If you sign up and pay for an activity your expected to go every week unless it's a casual drop in.

Depends what it is.

anannoyinglylongusername · 05/01/2017 12:39

I don't think you would be unreasonable to say no, and clearly this woman is taking the piss but I'm with Bertrand if it doesn't put you out just do it.

I was the kid of a parent like this (although of course didn't realise it at 8!) so I was always at friends houses or getting a lift with friends parents - it was never reciprocated. But if those parents hadn't put themselves out for me then my childhood would have been quite rubbish.

Try to see it as doing something for your dd and her friend not for her friends mum

QueenofallIsee · 05/01/2017 12:39

I agree that you shouldn't leave any ambiguity OP, she sounds like the type that will ignore the 50/50 request and then smartly revisit this being you to do the pick ups etc.

Ideally we would all help each other for friendships sake but there is nothing more annoying that being made to feel like someone's hired help - that is what you are to this woman, she is not your friend and is looking for support in domestic arrangements only. OK, once in a while but unacceptable all the time.

Rednailsandnaeknickers · 05/01/2017 13:15

If you do end up sending something similar to yellos excellent text, then I would make a point of listing the favours you've done so she can't wiggle out of it. Last line: your favours to us: Nil.
I'm fed up of piss takers (I don't allow it but a friend of mine was badly used by somebody she thought was a "friend" and I'm still mad on her behalf so am living this vicariously!)

Quintessing · 05/01/2017 13:16

if you're saying you can't do any pick-ups at all due to the clash, how were you planning to get your DD home when you signed her up?

may just prompt her into coming up with a few suggestions....

WeAllHaveWings · 05/01/2017 13:33

dh has a very one sided help out relationship with a single dad parent of a boy at our footie club. He is unemployed so cannot afford a car to take his ds to footie.

we don't mind going out of our way to pick him up because we know he is grateful as he tells us this, he always makes sure its ok and lets us know not to feel obliged, he tells us if we don't have room for him if we even take his ds he will miss the game and he appreciates the favour. If we cant take him he is always 100% okay and makes a big point of saying taking public transport instead is absolutely no problem for them as it is normal for them.

He bought dh and ds very small token gifts at xmas as a thank you for the lifts which was lovely. if we needed help we know , he would go out of his way to help in anyway he can, but we don't take him up on it as we know he has a hard time of it raising two boys (one with SN) with an absent mother.

So one sided relationships can work, but this woman is taking the piss.

Magzmarsh · 05/01/2017 13:37

It's entirely different if your help is appreciated and not taken for granted but I don't think it is in this case and it certainly wasn't in mine.

BertrandRussell · 05/01/2017 13:38

But the kid gets to the club. Not it's fault it's parents are arses.

PovertyJetset · 05/01/2017 13:41

Has she still not responded?

Reply with- haven't heard back about sharing lifts and we can't commit so assuming your dd won't be doing the activity anymor. See you soon x

Magzmarsh · 05/01/2017 13:43

It's not the op's fault the parents are arses either. Maybe if everyone stopped facilitating their behaviour they'd have step up and parent their dc properly and not expect others to do it for them.

mikeyssister · 05/01/2017 13:45

Definitely don't ask how they were planning on getting their DD to the activity when they signed her up because it's none of your business and it's irrelevant anyway.

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