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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not help out another parent?

370 replies

arethereanyleftatall · 04/01/2017 18:38

More of a wwyd.

Dds best friends mum has just texted to ask if we could pick her dd up every week and drop her home from an activity they're both about to start doing. We technically could, we're going anyway and it would only add about 5 mins extra to do the drop off on way home. But....over the years this will we well over 100 favours we have done for them. I haven't particularly been counting but there's been a term of getting her from school and having her for tea, a term of picking up and dropping at another activity etc. I have had to ask them for a favour a handful of times over the years and every time it's 'we'd love to help but can't because of x'. It will be my dh picking up, and I know he'll just do it no problem, but it's really beginnng to piss me off. Wwyd?

OP posts:
Daydream007 · 05/01/2017 20:39

I'd say no.

Estilou · 05/01/2017 21:03

I guess it depends if there is a reason they can't pick up or take turns. Friends have helped me out before because they are stay at home Mums or work fewer hours. I am always super grateful though and if I can possibly return a favour I will. I have actually turned down an offer for somebody to pick up my Dd once a week from school cos I felt bad that I couldn't reciprocate. She is going to child minder instead. However the Mum seemed happy to help. So I guess the circumstances of why they have asked this weekly favour need to be considered.

gembush · 05/01/2017 22:35

If it's easy for you, do it. But defo suggest alternate weeks if it helps relieve your annoyance or a OK can you pick my kid up from this other thing...

swlondonmumof2 · 05/01/2017 22:41

Definitely offer/suggest alternating. I have been the muggins who says 'sure I'll do x, y, z' too often and it's annoying. It's also nice to have a break from doing the activity drop off/pick up every other week.

Aeroflotgirl · 05/01/2017 22:48

Don't think freeloading mother is happy alternating tbh and has not replied to op. Like op has said in one of her posts,she gets people to do things for her, but never does anything for anybody. I hate those people, even if I could do it easily, I would not as it woukd grate on me. Op has already done 100 favours for her, with nine in return. No thank you!

Aeroflotgirl · 05/01/2017 22:49

None not nine, doh!

Alorsmum · 05/01/2017 23:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JackLottiesMum · 05/01/2017 23:18

I'm lucky to have lots of lovely mum friends who are happy to share lifts etc. It's all swings and round abouts and I don't mind doing more for some who need more help as everyone wins in the end.
But I do have one friend who never reciprocates but just randomly asks me to do things which are very inconvenient for me. Once she did the same as your friend OP and she asked me to drop her son home each week after a club. I just told her I often go to shops or doctors after that club so couldn't commit to that responsibility.

ohfourfoxache · 05/01/2017 23:30

As others have said, she will text on the day.

Cheeky cow Shock

Agree with Aero (I know that isn't exactly unusual!) - don't answer your phone when she does

BoomBoomsCousin · 05/01/2017 23:42

OP if you think she is likely to text on the day, get in there first with a text the day before asking if she found a solution and is there any chance she could collect your DD this week?

If you're not that brave, keep YellowDraw's "To be honest, it feels our relationship is a bit one sided with the direction of help/favours at the moment so I'm gong to say no to this as I don't want to end up feeling like I'm being taken advantage of" response at your finger tips.

waxermundo · 05/01/2017 23:54

If not a problem for you why are you making it one then seeking justification on here? What a mean-spirited bunch. You have no idea what the reasons are why she might need your help more. Tables might be turned one day. Just do it as an act of generosity. Might make you feel good about yourself. I always say-ask- if I can I will, if I can't I won't. Times I do more than my "fair share" ( but man, who is counting or even cares), but has paid dividends back when I have been stuck, and if not, I have helped someone. I think you need to ask yourself why you are so worried that you might be doing more?

KC225 · 06/01/2017 00:00

Waxer. I think you need to read the full thread.

JaimeLannister · 06/01/2017 00:22

I would happily help out anyone who needs it but would draw the line helping someone who wouldn't even say thank you.

Basic manners.

CloneClubSestra · 06/01/2017 01:05

Really awkward. I admit, I don't enjoy committing to taking other children to and from activities but that's because it's a helpful space for conversation and if there are always others in the car then the spontaneity is lost. However, I always do it - it also means only one car used so a small environmental help. I agree with pp that it's not the kid's fault their parents are useless. Ours are teens now and we are known for filling the car with kids to or from whatever event.

Angelasw · 06/01/2017 02:00

Just in from work and can't go through all replies.

If it's easy to do it, do it. However, is there a reason? Does she have another child? Sometimes there are reasons you'd never think of. As a mother to a child with severe disabilities, I could rarely reciprocate pick ups or drop offs. Ds2 thankfully was a quiet home bird and happy to veg out after a day at school. Reality was if he was taken home by another parent to play it meant waiting until my dh was home for me to leave the house. Or other child's parent brought him home. Fact is, only one parent did that - only one to see the issue!
We did many lots of his pals to us - problem was us getting out.

I didask one parent to have ds2 when I had awkward appt with ds1. Refused over ridiculous reason. I'd never refuse a reasonable offer.
Thankfully I had best bestest neighbours who helped me lots and often. I couldn't reciprocate at the time but when one got old and Ill it was then my turn to return the care.

Long story short, you need to know all that's going on.

Kr1stina · 06/01/2017 06:54

People who ŵant to be fair will always reciprocate in some one way.

One of DS friends is often at our house to play. His mum rarely has play dates at her house - they are in a very small flat and I suspect she worries about the noise upsetting the neighbours or maybe it just stresses her out .

But she often gives lifts and last week she took them MacDonalds. In the summer she takes The kids out to the park.

She also gives fantastic and very thoughtful birthday presents , they are always just what DS wanted.

So it all balances out and I don't think anyone feels exploited.

Shakey15000 · 06/01/2017 07:04

Cheeky mare. When will you see her again? I'd also ignore texts on the day.

Aeroflotgirl · 06/01/2017 07:24

waxr what the hell are you op, mean spirited! Op has done this woman 100 or so favours without even a thank you! It seems like this woman wants op only for what she can do for her! Their dds are meant to be best friends, but she gas never been invited to this girls house for a play date, despite others in the class going. Sorry if you want to be a doormat go ahead, does not mean op should. There comes a time when you just say enough! If she confronts you yellow reply is great.

CookieLady · 06/01/2017 07:28

The user's silence speaks volumes.

rollonthesummer · 06/01/2017 07:28

If she's rude and never says thank you, that would be enough reason for me to say no.

To the posters saying she should do it-do you normally go out of your way to help people who never say thank you?

Aeroflotgirl · 06/01/2017 07:55

I would only do favours for people who appreciate, not for entitled users such as this. This is not a one off, but a weekly thing, every time, it would grate me having to pick up and drop this girl, better not to feel like that, and say 'no sorry'. She knows why! She only booked, as she would assume op would collect and drop off her girl, this is a big commitment. What if op does not feel like doing it, or the girl is off sick, or does not want to go!

I wonder what she would say, if op said ok, it will be £5 per week please for petrol money etc. Bet she would heard hide nor hair from her.

BertrandRussell · 06/01/2017 08:01

"What if op does not feel like doing it, or the girl is off sick, or does not want to go!"

You text and say "Sorry, can't do the X run tonight"

The child is the OP's dd's friend. She has arses for parents. That's not her fault.

nakedscientist · 06/01/2017 08:17

If this mum is working then presumably she struggles with timings (if you look at things in the nicest possible way). Why don't you say "Yes, I can pick her up and give her tea, but expect YOU to pick her up from my house" Surely she's not being dropped off at an empty house? OP dropping her back home does seem a bridge too far, its a favour not a service!

Aeroflotgirl · 06/01/2017 08:23

Bertrand sorry that's not op responsibility, op has been more than kind to this mother and done numerous favours. So what she does not want to do anymore for little appreciation. It's op right to say no, enough is enough. Mother can find another activity that fits in with her. If you want to be a doormat for others go right ahead.

Aeroflotgirl · 06/01/2017 08:24

Give an inch they take a mile, be assertive!