Shut up and think of the money?

[LosAngeles444]

Dilemma here. MIL has recently come into a large sum of money. We usually get on although she can be controlling and likes to be the centre of attention. I overlook these traits and don't let them get to me.

We recently had a disagreement and to keep the peace I decided to accept responsibility so we could all move on. I thought she was rude and out of line but didn't say anything. As soon as I made up with her, she mentioned the large sum of money she has and I really get the feeling she is using this as a way to make us beholden unto her. She has offered to pay for things for our new house but I am definitely feeling that she is using this as a power trip so that we keep her happy and to use this is an element of control.

I don't want to get into MIL bashing but I am getting a little nervous at the prospect of being obliged to anyone for financial reasons. DH and I have good jobs but we have a mortgage and a new house so any contribution is helpful...I just have a feeling that MIL is using this as a power trip....should I just shut up, step back, keep MIL happy and think of the money. I'm afraid she will start to take over...I'm a very honest and authentic person and the thought of not being myself and sucking up to her just for the money makes me feel manipulative. Any thoughts?

There's something off to me accepting money off someone you don't even like

Don't accept any money, think of your pride.

I know of someone who does the same as your MIL, not with money but with favours. Don't let her have one over you, if you know it will cause you problems later on then those thousands of pounds are not worth it

LosAngeles444, I adore my MIL, but what we did when we were short and she was flush was this: we arranged a loan with her. I did it at a rate above what savings accounts were paying, but below what we would have had to pay for a loan. Over a three-year term, I think, went out automatically every month. At the end of it, she was thrilled. She got more from us than she would've from any bank, and we got our building work done. She keeps gently hinting that she could lend us more money . If your MIL is controlling, it would be better to do it this way if you really need to do the renovations, etc. Levels the playing field and makes it a win-win solution.

I would accept the help but don't change at all how you treat her - be exactly the same, as you would if it were your own mother Gifting you some money or paying things - it shouldn't change the relationship - don't let it, if your cross with her, be cross as you always would have / and don't forget, the cash is not really for you, it's for her son.

I don't think you should take the money if there are conditions attached - it is very likely to come back to bite you in future, as I think you know.

Do you have dcs? If so perhaps you could suggest she puts something away for their future. That way you are are not personally beholden - she is simply being a grandmother.

I was in the same position as you a month ago. I asked my husband not to accept the money because my mil had been behaving exceptionally badly recently. He ignored me and took the money. I've not thanked pil because I didn't want the money. If they ever were to mention it I would say "yes that was very thoughtful of you to give dh the money" -- I'd say this because I want to separate myself from the money and therefore not condone her behaviour.
We accepted money from them 6 years ago -- a lot more but I had a great relationship with mil (pre kids). However due tonight deteriorated relationship I regret taking the money now.

Screw pride, take the money. And once it's in your bank account dpens it on exactly what you had told her you were going to spend it on. If she tries to manipulate you using the money, just don't let her and thank her kindly each time she mentions it because it is a kind and useful gift.

Don't know what happened to my post!