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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Shut up and think of the money?

159 replies

LosAngeles444 · 03/01/2017 11:24

Dilemma here. MIL has recently come into a large sum of money. We usually get on although she can be controlling and likes to be the centre of attention. I overlook these traits and don't let them get to me.

We recently had a disagreement and to keep the peace I decided to accept responsibility so we could all move on. I thought she was rude and out of line but didn't say anything. As soon as I made up with her, she mentioned the large sum of money she has and I really get the feeling she is using this as a way to make us beholden unto her. She has offered to pay for things for our new house but I am definitely feeling that she is using this as a power trip so that we keep her happy and to use this is an element of control.

I don't want to get into MIL bashing but I am getting a little nervous at the prospect of being obliged to anyone for financial reasons. DH and I have good jobs but we have a mortgage and a new house so any contribution is helpful...I just have a feeling that MIL is using this as a power trip....should I just shut up, step back, keep MIL happy and think of the money. I'm afraid she will start to take over...I'm a very honest and authentic person and the thought of not being myself and sucking up to her just for the money makes me feel manipulative. Any thoughts?

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 03/01/2017 12:05

BastardGoDarkly OP said: "She has offered to pay for things for our new house but I am definitely feeling that she is using this as a power trip so that we keep her happy and to use this is an element of control"

BarbaraofSeville · 03/01/2017 12:05

Not accepting the money isn't going to stop her being controlling and wanting to be the centre of attention, if that's the way she is, though is it?

If you don't take the money won't she still use that as a stick to beat you with? 'If you took the money I tried to give you, you could afford a better car, nicer curtains, a holiday etc'.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 03/01/2017 12:07

BarbaraofSeville, easy to get out of that one: "Those things are nice to have, MIL, but they're not essential. We are happy and live within our means, that's important to us. More tea?"

blitheringbuzzards1234 · 03/01/2017 12:08

Something I believe is never do/accept anything purely for money - it's not worth the aggravation and makes you resentful and miserable. Like prostituting yourself - don't do it.

Of course remain on good terms but don't let yourself be manipulated.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 03/01/2017 12:10

Tbh I think both views are bad.

MIL shouldn't hold the money over you.

You shouldn't do something so you can get your hands on the money.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 03/01/2017 12:17

Beautifully put, Piglet Smile

PopcornBits · 03/01/2017 12:21

I think you should really be leaving this up to your DH for consideration and I would just say for you to say nothing and not be involved with his decision making, after all its his mother.
You then cant be held for making that decision with him if anything happens.

galaxygirl45 · 03/01/2017 12:22

If she's difficult already, go without. Nothing is worse than money coming laden with expectation on how it will be spent. It will only take a difference of opinion ie I don't like that wallpaper I'm paying for, and you'll have a war on your hands. If she wanted you to have the money she'd quietly transfer it into your bank account and say no more. Instead she's already playing games.

AngryofTunbridgeWells · 03/01/2017 12:31

Are you wanting us to say you should accept any offers of cash so you can then talk yourselves into it? I mean that kindly by the way, I can see how tempting it would be regardless of the potential aggro after.

Kleinzeit · 03/01/2017 12:33

Does she have other children besides your DH? If so then refuse anything she spends on you that she hasn’t also spent on her other children. No monkey business.

Magicpaintbrush · 03/01/2017 12:34

Don't do it, she will throw it back in your face and you will regret it. Better to get by on your own incomes and not have her rubbing your noses in any of her 'donations' later on. It's not nice to feel obligated forever more to somebody.

Olympiathequeen · 03/01/2017 12:36

I would be pleasant to her and if she wants to co ntribute to your house costs then let her, but I would put money aside to repay her if she starts to try to control your family. So don't let her pay for things you wouldn't be getting anyway.

DJBaggySmalls · 03/01/2017 12:36

Dont do it.

AndShesGone · 03/01/2017 12:38

"you can't put a price on integrity"

I think my price is about 10 grand. Grin

FeralBeryl · 03/01/2017 12:39

Another one wondering what DH's opinion is?
What was his stance on your fall out with her?
To be honest, if as you have already demonstrated by gritting your teeth last time, if you're going to have the kind of 'put up and shut up' relationship with her regardless, I'd take the money.
If you feel like in the future you will be able to make a change, stick to your gun etc, don't take it.

Gottagetmoving · 03/01/2017 12:39

I would rather manage without accepting the money at all.
You know she will use it against you so why even consider it?
You never had it - you can do without it.

Giddyaunt18 · 03/01/2017 12:47

As she is your MIL, I would leave this to your DH. It is his inheritance early if you like.

lasttimeround · 03/01/2017 12:50

I think taking the money makes you less beholden as it improves your financial situation independence. But only in form of a lump sum no strings.

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 03/01/2017 12:50

I would be very careful about this Op. I've seen this in my own family - my parents were helping my brother and SIL financially for ages and to be honest even though they genuinely believed they were just "helping" they seemed over time to feel very free to express opinions and make decisions about things that just weren't their place.

It was a bit more complicated than your situation to be fair as DB and SIL were very entitled but it got messy and there was a lot of resentment in the end.

Look, presumably you didn't know your MiL would offer money when buying the house so didn't factor it into your plans. You're not in any worse position if you decide not to accept her offer.

Saying all that, I think there is a difference between MIL giving a one off sum to do with as you wish and dangling the money to see how high she can make you jump. You and DH know her and only you can decide what her motivations may be.

Sara107 · 03/01/2017 12:53

I have a tricky relationship with my mil, and would feel V uncomfortable about accepting money from her because I don't trust it to come without strings attached / hidden agendas. She's done that before, and in a very hurtful way ( to dh). I think you should think long and hard and discuss with your dh how he feels. It might depend on how the money comes - would she be handing over a chunk of her inheritance to be used entirely as you wish or would it be a case where you decide on a job ( eg new carpets, or new windows) nd then go and ask for the money - much more potential for stress that way! Ultimately I would say it is your Dhs decision - it should be sorted out between him and his mum.

C8H10N4O2 · 03/01/2017 12:54

Don't take it - if she is dangling it around now it will be a million times worse if she every actually gives you anything and you will be reminded of it at every opportunity.

Unless you are desperate don't touch her money with a barge pole and behave as you would if it didn't exist.

Sparkesx · 03/01/2017 12:58

I'd rather cut off my nose to spite my face. I'd rather not having any home improvements/things paid for than to ever have someone say 'you wouldn't have that if it wasn't for me' or have some sort of power trip over me.

Don't accept the money.

LanaorAna1 · 03/01/2017 13:00

Ignoring the MN opinion, which is the opposite to the majority view IRL, Take everything You Can Get. BUT....disempower her. How?

If MIL is the manipulative type (she is) there will be a lot, a lot of dangling. Hints, offers, quiet words in the ear, secret smiles to people she wants to impress....you'll see 0.

Get ready to deal with that. She can't twist your tail if you don't offer it. So...

Don't share financial details of your life with her - which will be hard, as she'll be prying constantly. Act as if the money doesn't exist. Tell her in oh-so casual asides about parents who do help their children - most people, again in contrast to MN fringe view. Prioritise her according to her value as a MIL who chooses not to help her DC and DGC. Refuse invitations etc if nec on the grounds you can't afford it.

She'll either get bored and hand over a cheque, or, more likely, hang onto most of it. Either way you haven't suffered that much - except you have, because you've got a mean cow as a MIL. So act on that however you want to.

Lottieloves · 03/01/2017 13:01

This happened to me, not with mil but my mum. She came into some money gave it to me and DH, but it came with so many demands and expectations that I ended up giving it back. By then I had spent it on a big new kitchen so we didn't have it to give back, but we raided every small pot of money to give it her back. We felt so much better afterwards knowing that no one could pass judgement on me and my DH and what we chose to spend our money on. Unless you are really desperate I wouldn't take it, even if it's a nice thought.

icy121 · 03/01/2017 13:02

No. if she wants to give it, she can set up/top is a junior isa for your kids if you have them.

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