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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Shut up and think of the money?

159 replies

LosAngeles444 · 03/01/2017 11:24

Dilemma here. MIL has recently come into a large sum of money. We usually get on although she can be controlling and likes to be the centre of attention. I overlook these traits and don't let them get to me.

We recently had a disagreement and to keep the peace I decided to accept responsibility so we could all move on. I thought she was rude and out of line but didn't say anything. As soon as I made up with her, she mentioned the large sum of money she has and I really get the feeling she is using this as a way to make us beholden unto her. She has offered to pay for things for our new house but I am definitely feeling that she is using this as a power trip so that we keep her happy and to use this is an element of control.

I don't want to get into MIL bashing but I am getting a little nervous at the prospect of being obliged to anyone for financial reasons. DH and I have good jobs but we have a mortgage and a new house so any contribution is helpful...I just have a feeling that MIL is using this as a power trip....should I just shut up, step back, keep MIL happy and think of the money. I'm afraid she will start to take over...I'm a very honest and authentic person and the thought of not being myself and sucking up to her just for the money makes me feel manipulative. Any thoughts?

OP posts:
Pettywoman · 03/01/2017 13:06

Don't take it. You know deep down it would be a mistake or you wouldn't have started this thread. I once turned down 10k for a house move as it was looking like money lent/given would mean years of judgement. Not worth it.

Bluntness100 · 03/01/2017 13:08

Despite my moral posturing, we are talking about thousands of pounds here...sums of money that really would make a difference not just a few new things,

daisychain01 · 03/01/2017 13:09

Feel free to self justify and find reasons to take her money.

Then sit back and watch as she uses the money to control you.

Your decision if you want peace of mind or are happy to forfeit for the sake of a new kitchen fit-out

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 03/01/2017 13:12

Lanaor, that's disgraceful. What sort of person would do that? Confused

I imagine there are quite a few, reading this thread, quite happy to have their hands out, thinking that they're entitled to money from family and grubbing about wherever it is. Urgh.

WallToWallDrugs · 03/01/2017 13:20

I think you're the one at fault here OP. Your MIL hasn't actually tried using the money as a "power trip" has she? All she's done is offer it to you. Maybe she's trying to show there's no hard feelings after your disagreement, in which you are unlikely to be wholly blameless yourself, despite what you say. There's always two sides etc. You come across very much as though you just don't like or trust her, yet you're seriously considering taking her money. Morally wrong on your part.

April229 · 03/01/2017 13:20

Hear what you are saying -'it's life changing money, but having to accommodate her and what she what's in a life changing situation as well....

bigbuttons · 03/01/2017 13:34

I would take the money but not be beholden. A gift is a gift. The worst she can do is try and take the stuff back again if you upset her.

ollieplimsoles · 03/01/2017 13:38

Do NOT accept this money.

Say thanks but no thanks, alarm bells everywhere

RubyWinterstorm · 03/01/2017 13:42

Leave it to DH

It is between him and her. The less you get involved, the better.

Jux · 03/01/2017 13:44

Do you mean serious renovations, knocking down walls type costs, where she could conceivably walk in and say "aren't you lucky I could pay for all that", or more the new white goods type costs where she could say "without me you'd be having to wash your dishes yourself"? Garden clearance ("isn't my garden looking lovely")?

The white goods one, I'd probably take it and thank her, but not the others.

Jux · 03/01/2017 13:47

Actually, I've just remembered that I didn't have a dishwasher for years (when I really needed one) for the simple reason that dh pretended he was buying it and I found out that actually mil was. So I didn't have one until we moved into our present house and the previous owner left hers behind.

Isetan · 03/01/2017 13:56

It's not rocket science, if you want cash without the strings, then this isn't the woman to get it from.

The price you pay for anything using your MIL's money will always be a lot higher than if you had paid for it yourself.

CondensedMilkSarnies · 03/01/2017 14:02

If she is one of those types , I reckon you'll be damned if you do and damned if you don't . She'll take offence if you don't take it and use it against you if you do.

JaniceBattersby · 03/01/2017 14:03

I bet the money will never materialise. If she was going to give it to you, she would've already.

PIL have tried this tactic on us in the past. They're multi-millionaires. They have tried to manipulate us into doing what they want many times with the vague promise of inheritance but it got too much and five years ago we just withdrew from them and DH left the family business which went down like a lead balloon. Poor BIL is still there, wasting his life trying to make them happy when he's never going to while we're free and living the life we wan Tom without their constant interference and judgement.

I don't regret it for a second.

MudCity · 03/01/2017 14:06

You are potentially storing up problems if you accept the money.

You did what she wanted by taking responsibility for something that wasn't your fault. Your reward is an 'offer' of money. Offers can be taken away as soon as made. She will keep you dangling. It's not worth it.

RebelandaStunner · 03/01/2017 14:08

If it was a gift you would have it in the bank by now. Only controlling people announce "I'm going to give you xyz..." other people just give it.

FatalKittehCharms · 03/01/2017 14:23

I'm a very honest and authentic person

I don't think a very honest and authentic person would see a dilemma here, OP.

I've refused help from parents for my house, but that's because I want to be able to know DH and I did it ourselves, and also my parents don't have that much money.

There's no harm in accepting gifts from parents or ILs but I think being nice to MIL for the sake of money is definitely not honest and authentic behaviour.

AngelicFruitcakexx · 03/01/2017 14:25

She sounds like a cowbag... but is she going to stop being one if you don't take it? I very much doubt it. In fact, if she starts waving it under your nose, it's going to cause animosity.
There are ways of doing it... think carefully, and make your suggestions seem like her ideas...

JinnanTonik · 03/01/2017 14:30

Depends on how much money you think your soul is worth OP?

Because you will sell your right to have a say in anything in your life FOREVER!

Because you will get the trembly bottom lip and the 'all I've done for you' speech!

YIKES! I'd rather put in some overtime and save up/get a loan that sign that devils charter! Confused

JinnanTonik · 03/01/2017 14:33

NB. Monster in law threatened me with being removed from her will I told her to shove it, I won't be blackmailed....we don't speak now...Christmas at ours was great!!! Silver lining and all that!

Original poster
LosAngeles444 · 03/01/2017 14:38

Accepting the money and keeping MIL happy will keep DH happy who is close to his mum. Standing my ground and telling MIL honestly how I feel will go down badly. I've married into a family where appearances are everything and keeping everyone happy is the done thing and it's how DH survives with his parents. I knew this when I got married so not surprising.

OP posts:
MrsSchadenfreude · 03/01/2017 14:47

What Lanaor said. My mother did this - kept saying she was going to pay off our mortgage for us, then coming up with some reason why she couldn't, "but would see if her financial adviser could get round this." It went on for years. I didn't bite, or make any comment. Finally the day came when she said "I'm looking into seeing if I can pay off your mortgage for you" and I was able to say "Don't bother, we saved up and paid it off ourselves." The look on her face was priceless.

ExitPursuedBySantaSpartacus · 03/01/2017 14:49

My Dad had a childless Aunt who was the last of his relatives to survive. She kept hordes of cash in a brown envelope and would randomly give it to him, then a few months later fall out with him and demand her money back. Fortunately Dad was wise to this and kept the money in the envelope in the cupboard under the stairs so that he could return it. This went on for years.

DJBaggySmalls · 03/01/2017 14:49

You've already decided to take it so why post? She has you hooked. If you think she's bad now, wait til after months of hints and demands, inevitable excuses...
If she wanted to give you money you;d already have it.

Bluntness100 · 03/01/2017 14:53

You've already decided to take it so why post?

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