Shut up and think of the money?

[LosAngeles444]

Dilemma here. MIL has recently come into a large sum of money. We usually get on although she can be controlling and likes to be the centre of attention. I overlook these traits and don't let them get to me.

We recently had a disagreement and to keep the peace I decided to accept responsibility so we could all move on. I thought she was rude and out of line but didn't say anything. As soon as I made up with her, she mentioned the large sum of money she has and I really get the feeling she is using this as a way to make us beholden unto her. She has offered to pay for things for our new house but I am definitely feeling that she is using this as a power trip so that we keep her happy and to use this is an element of control.

I don't want to get into MIL bashing but I am getting a little nervous at the prospect of being obliged to anyone for financial reasons. DH and I have good jobs but we have a mortgage and a new house so any contribution is helpful...I just have a feeling that MIL is using this as a power trip....should I just shut up, step back, keep MIL happy and think of the money. I'm afraid she will start to take over...I'm a very honest and authentic person and the thought of not being myself and sucking up to her just for the money makes me feel manipulative. Any thoughts?

Like big buttons says a gift is a gift . However it is different if she is not actually giving it but just mentioning it so that she try s to get you to dance to her tune .
If she doesn't give it you behave as you wd normally - likewise if she dies give it behave as you wd normally .
It's a gift - is be determined to remain who I was . If that means she gives it still / changes her mind - so be it .

Well OP, you've made your decision, no need to be a martyr about it because you're not, you're a grown woman and you could stand up to this 'pressure' by you and your husband developing a backbone each and some integrity, standing firm and saying, "Thanks but not thanks MIL, we'll do it bit by bit".

If you're willing to accept money under these well known circumstances then you will get what you both absolutely deserve - to be treated with utter contempt and disdain because your MIL is toying with you and you've invited it through greed.

You've been warned but you'll do what you want. Don't moan about it though, when your MIL runs your life for you because you've opened that door.

Authentic people you are most definitely NOT. I don't feel sorry for your MIL either, she's as bad as both of you.

IRL there are so many people that have been helped financially by parents and PIL. I know several friends that have been given money for deposits, renovations and school fees. In fact the bank of Mum and Dad have been propping up the housing market for years. Many older people choose to downsize in order to gift cash to their DCs so they can reduce their IHT liability. In some cases it makes good sense to do this but only if it is done with proper advice and the right intentions.

My MIL is pretty well off and often talks about how she wants to help out. We have a good relationship so if she was to do this I would only be happy about it if it was done through her financial adviser and for all the right financial reasons. If the OPs DH is going to inherit the money anyhow there could be good reason for her to gift some of it to you now but I would stress that she should seek proper advice and only if there are no strings.

But that scenario is nothing like OP's, FarAwayHills, not even close.

It would be very interesting to see, attached to each different opinion, who has been through this and dealt with the consequences, and who has not.

These threads are always 99% full of people saying that no self respecting adult would accept the money, yet in real life I know of nobody who has ever turned down money from a relative, just doesn't happen.

Not the same situation for me and it's a long story, my dad basically took my db and I off his insurance policies and added his step son and my half sibling. I was 10 and my db 8 when he took us off.

Db and I knew nothing about this until two years after he died, I had my suspicions as step bro went from bailiffs at his door the week of his funeral to planning a multi thousand pound wedding two weeks after the funeral. I don't care that I didn't get any money, I really don't, I'd cut contact with step family long before I found out about it, but it hurt, it really did, it was another example of my Dads shitty attitude, he always slagged my mum off, he always said she wasn't for to look after us (she was fucking brilliant and he never helped financially or otherwise) yet he was happy to take steps to make sure that we wouldn't also be looked after, if something were to happen to him, ifbhebrealky thiught my mum was an unfit wrecklessly mum he'd have made sure he left us looked after too.

Getting no money isn't what hurt, it was the way they went about it and the way they revealed it, I cut contact for other reasons and then when my db stopped running up their arse stepmum said dad didn't love us and left them all this money as proof, that she had to force him to visit us on the few occasions he did, that my mam is a slag etc etc.

Dads siblings were just as shocked and I think they told her she was out of order and maybe pressured her to put things right. I dunno but a cheque arrived from her, life changing money for me, I ripped it up (felt good doing it too) and never looked back, my db also ripped his up, I've managed all my life without fuck all from my Dad and no way was I giving stepmum any kind of influence over my life. She'd be all over Facebook taking any credit for anything good that happened to me.

I didn't ask dh what he thought before ripping it up, but he's seen the damage my Dads attitudes and (lack of) parenting have done to me and wouldn't want me having to feel thankful or greatful to any of them. No material objects are worth having any reminder of them in my life.

Different to the OP situation I know, but just wanted to share that yes, sometimes people do turn down large amounts of money when they giver will likely use it as a means of guilt tripping, control etc

Fil is totally different and often helps us out, sometimes gifts, sometimes loans, there's no strings attached, we've had falling outs (he's a stubborn moody git) while owing him money and he's never once thrown it in our face or used it as a way to make us see him more,nor dance to his tune. He'd be the first to offer help, even if in a huff with us.

I don't know why no-one has suggested the obvious solution...take the money but don't act any differently than you would had you not taken it

She's not saying "if you give you x amount you will do y", is she? No, she's simply giving you money. So take it, and if she then thinks this entitles her to anything she'll soon find that you don't agree, and it has changed nothing.

Easy.

Ah well, hope you enjoy spending her money. I'd buy some knee pads if I were you, you'll need them.

user1480946351
I don't know why no-one has suggested the obvious solution...take the money but don't act any differently than you would had you not taken it
She's not saying "if you give you x amount you will do y", is she? No, she's simply giving you money. So take it, and if she then thinks this entitles her to anything she'll soon find that you don't agree, and it has changed nothing.

And the OP's DH who is already consumed with FOG (Fear, Obligation and Guilt) re his DM, will suddenly see the light and support the OP when she doesn't respond with appropriate gratitude and appreciation to her MiL? Yeah, right.

Puzzled you're completely right, I think I can do what you've suggested, it's dh who struggles. He goes from challenging her which eventually ends up in massive rows to just doing anything for a quiet life and letting stuff go.
We've had a massive argument ourselves about me not wanting to take the money and him wanting to (to keep the peace) and in the end I thought fine, they're his parents. They're the only thing we really argue about (not often thankfully).

I dont think I can, I know I can 😄

I understand, Ponyo, having had an ex who was just as reluctant to cross his darling mama. The problem with men who'll placate whoever shouts loudest is that your own voice can get a bit hoarse if you try to compete, and sometimes it gets to the point where you just don't want to try any more

FWIW I also had a parent - I can't call him a father - who tried all his life to manipulate others with money. His meanness was legendary and he never knew a generous impulse, but it didn't stop the endless little "teasers" and it certainly didn't stop the fury he felt at my total refusal to kowtow to him in any way. The irony is that, as an only child, I inherited the lot anyway ... but only because he hated everyone else even more than he hated me (Oh and it's not even as if he'd have left it all to the dogs/cats home as he hated them too!! )

My dad's mum was like this, now I really think about it. She, apparently, was always promising mum and dad large injections of cash - which they really needed - which never materialised. She died when I was 10, and dad was her only child.

She'd disinherited him.

Total bitch. 500 quid for my elder brother's education; everything else, including her 5 bed luxury flat overlooking St Ives harbour, went to a woman she'd fallen out with and hadn't spoken to for 15 years.

(That wasn't even the worst of it, believe me.)

You are overthinking it. It is your dh's call.

Your MIL has not overtly placed any strings on her gifts. You are assuming she wants to as a form of taking over. She has done nothing of the sort so far.

Why not cross that bridge when you get there. In the meantime, if your dh thinks it is good to accept, then take it. Don't look for strings until strings come looking for you. Then you and dh can either stop accepting or just ignore and carry on.

Just be good humoured and assume good intentions on her part. It is better for family relationships to give your MIL the benefit of the doubt.

Oh I see, you're only accepting the money to keep your H happy, yeah right. Don't buy into a dysfunction and expect a different outcome to what has already been well established. Is this 'keeping H happy' ethos going to prevail when your MIL invariably starts telling you how you should spend her money?

As others have said, you've been warned.

I would leave it up to DH as it is his Mum.

well op, at least you have mumsnet to complain on every time his family do something you dont like, which will probably be most of your married life

you reap what you sow

My mother was like this when we lost my dad. She offered to pay for my husband and l to have a holiday but "all l ask is that you take me out on your days off."
l was working shifts with the police, l used to spend my days off washing, ironing, food shopping, seeing friends and catching up on sleep.
We didn't get on that well to start with, and the thought of being beholden in that way - well, it wasn't happening. My husband took the rap by saying "l wouldn't like to do that, MIL, K has stuff to do on her days off and sometimes she has to go into work for meetings, etc, so thank you but we can't accept it."
l was glad, to be honest. lt would have been used as a stick to beat me with.

I think it's ok to except gifts from ur mil! If that's what they r! Maybe your reading to much into stuff! Any way what can she really do

Well really this is not your decision alone but also your DH, esp as this decision is likely to have some consequences for him re his relationship to his mum.

My grand dad did that to me. I refused to engage or take the money. He then went to my dad saying that if I wasn't doing xxx he would write me of the inheritance (we are talking abut big money here too). My dad refused to talk to him after that.
Money isn't everything. It can make things easier bit it wont make you happy.

So the first step would be to see how to handle the situation in a way that can keep everyone happy. and it coud well be not taking the money but not 'standing your ground' either.

Don't do it!!!

My MIL was constantly insisting on spending money on our home and had to be completely in charge of what, when and who did the work.

It caused countless blazing rows between me and H but I always rolled over to keep the peace and to make it trickier the house was only in H's name so she felt she was entitled to do as she pleased.

H and I separated last year at my instigation and she has just presented us with a bill for several thousand pounds to reimburse her for what she spent, on her own absolute insistence, with no mention of us paying her back.

I have told STBXH that he can do as he pleases but as far as I'm concerned she can jog the fuck on.

There's a limit to how much she can give without incurring tax liabilities.
I think the most that can be gifted in a year tax free is £3,000. She can also pay off your mortgage if she wants to without any immediate tax implications. However, if she dies within 7 years then the amount paid will be grossed up with her estate and if its greater than the inheritance tax threshold of £325,000 you'll be asked for tax. May be better for her to buy you things for the house!

Or politely refuse offer and pay your own way if you think she's going to hold this over you. I feel rather sorry for her, it sounds like the only bit power she's got in her life.

It seems like that is exactly what she is doing and the only way to regain control is to put the money out of your mind. If she offers you money or to pay for anything, politely decline. It she buys something for your house as a gift without asking you first, she can't hold it against you but I have a feeling she won't do this as it won't give her the sense of power she seems to want.
Money destroys people and wrecks relationships within families. The only way to keep things on an even keel is to take it completely out of the equation.

Sounds like she's always going to be a pain. Take the money, get the house sorted and get along as best you can.

MrsSchadenfreude Ooh I would have liked to have been a fly on the wall that day.

We've turned down money for our wedding, & a loan to get work done on the house. If I'd accepted either I would have lost control and I don't think I'd like that feeling.

It depends if every time she mentions it you can smile & think "whatever, banked the cash already". Or will it really grate on you and cause arguments with your Dh?.

At the end of the day she can't live forever so you'll be free of her either way eventually.

Thanks puzzled. It is tricky isn't it, right now things are quiet but mil will visit soon so I'm sure it will be brought up then. It's interesting that I've noticed in recent years how dh gets really stressed and snappy a day or 2 before she visits, it's only in recent years I've put the 2 things together ☹️

Some of the stories on here, including yours and Jux's are just... wow 😳