Shut up and think of the money?

[LosAngeles444]

Dilemma here. MIL has recently come into a large sum of money. We usually get on although she can be controlling and likes to be the centre of attention. I overlook these traits and don't let them get to me.

We recently had a disagreement and to keep the peace I decided to accept responsibility so we could all move on. I thought she was rude and out of line but didn't say anything. As soon as I made up with her, she mentioned the large sum of money she has and I really get the feeling she is using this as a way to make us beholden unto her. She has offered to pay for things for our new house but I am definitely feeling that she is using this as a power trip so that we keep her happy and to use this is an element of control.

I don't want to get into MIL bashing but I am getting a little nervous at the prospect of being obliged to anyone for financial reasons. DH and I have good jobs but we have a mortgage and a new house so any contribution is helpful...I just have a feeling that MIL is using this as a power trip....should I just shut up, step back, keep MIL happy and think of the money. I'm afraid she will start to take over...I'm a very honest and authentic person and the thought of not being myself and sucking up to her just for the money makes me feel manipulative. Any thoughts?

I was In a very similar situation and after much deliberation hubby and u decided to accept the money. Surprisingly , she only used it once against us and hasn't since then. My hubby set her straight soon afterwards! She has managed though to find other things to create her usual dramas so essentially we would have been in the same position but minus our lovely kitchen ! Lol!

It's entirely up to you but thought is share my ending to the story ! Bottom line is, she's an attention seeking person and even if we had declined the help, she would have found some other subject to burst into flames! she's now using her will against us so it's always one thing or the other. Every little helps in life and no you're not selling your soul to the devil , it's only our mil for goodness sake !

My MIL is quite the monster and the one time she helped us pay for something (our honeymoon) she mentioned it all the time, having it over our heads.

I'd never accept a sum of money from her to 'help' again. I don't want her help. We are young and married with our own house but I'd never accept help because I don't want it to be fired back against me now or in future.

She dishes out money on her daughter constantly: 2 brand new cars in under 10yrs, £40k deposit on a flat, holidays etc but she is fully dependent on her mother and I don't want that relationship nor does my DH!

So personally I'd behave and live as you want and don't give two hoots about the money.
Yes money is helpful, as you say, but it's not beneficial if it's used against you / to manipulate / to coerce etc etc

Apologies for the grammatical errors but hope I made sense!

😁 at fluffycloud "she can't live forever" 😂

It's interesting that I've noticed in recent years how dh gets really stressed and snappy a day or 2 before she visits, it's only in recent years I've put the 2 things together

Mine was always foul tempered after seeing his mum. He only told me very recently it was because he would spend the whole time trying to fight mine and DD's corner whilst she bitched about us incessantly.

Sadly he used to come back and take it out on us, which didn't help the deterioration of our marriage.

Oh that's not good pandora. I think dh has become more self aware about his relationship with his mum and just how toxic she can be recently, so when I tell him he's being grumpy he'll sort himself out bcos he knows why.
Mil isn't

Sorry, posted too soon. Mil isn't daft enough to bitch about me to his face, she knows he'd call her on it.

Mine was always foul tempered after seeing his mum ... it was because he would spend the whole time trying to fight mine and DD's corner whilst she bitched about us incessantly

Think yourself lucky - my ex used to bitch about me and plan constant deceptions right along with MIL!!

As I learned to my cost, poisonous people don't tend to change; it just becomes a matter of how much, and how often you're prepared to put yourself in the firing line ...

Don't take the money op. My mother used to control me with money. The best day of my life was the one where I got a Saturday job and could buy my own stuff.

I have never been beholden to anyone else since then.

Ugh. My In Laws helped us out a fair bit in the early days of our marriage but the price was never worth it. Personally, I would have told them to get lost about a couple of years in when we found our feet and it became clear there was a price to be paid. The issue was the relationship DH has with his parents. It's complicated to say the least. Last year I had an argument with my FIL. I'd been helping them out for months with something and it had become clear that they were just taking the mickey at this point but I kept going for my DH's sake. Long story short, I wasn't quick enough for them one week, got an ear full and suddenly had an epiphany of, "Why on earth am I letting this man speak to me like this?"! FIL brought up an exact monetary amount of what they had given us over a 20 year period. He had an exact figure and tried to use it as a weapon to treat me how he liked. Told him to shove it.

These days? For DH's sake I'm talking to them again but anything they do for us always, and I mean always, has a price.

Go with your instincts, they are there for a reason

How often has that little wonder been wheeled out?

Yes, of couse our instincts are there to guide us in making possibly complex financial decions, it's an evolutionary trait. Some rabbits and badgers have the same instincts I am told

This is going to be influenced by what your DH thinks too I presume ?
I would be careful - we accepted a small anount of money from my MIL when we were skint and wish we never had . My DH is now saying things like he may want her to move in with us if the need arises as she has been generous in the past !!

I would never expect any price for helping my children! I am giving them all some help and the only "string" is it must come off their mortgage not be used for anything else and in fact to ensure that I am paying it direct to the mortgage companies.

My MIL came into some money that FIL was also morally entitled to but she never gave him a penny (divorced years ago). We weren't offered anything but didn't expect it. She's fallen out with other family members she gave loans to and not been paid back quickly enough and bitches about them at every opportunity. I'm so glad she has no hold over us at all and we owe her nothing. Phew.

How about suggesting it goes into some sort of savings account for the children (assuming you have some)? Might be a way to accept it without feeling quite so in her debt.

As previous posters have said, people who want to give you money, give it. They don't talk about it or dangle it....they simply give it.

I say this as someone who had a relative who continually dangled carrots for several years, offering to help in various ways which would have made a huge difference. They knew that and seemed to enjoy the fact that they were able to control the situation. Offers of help were suggested and almost actioned but were always retracted...each and every time. Sometimes, the offer would be retracted within days, sometimes within weeks or months. Each time I allowed myself to think they meant it and was crushed when they withdrew the offer. Offers were sometimes withdrawn because I had said or done the 'wrong' thing but most often because they got cold feet. After a while, I saw the pattern. I now expect nothing.

There are people out there who give without strings attached but the price is high when they don't. I am glad now that they didn't give me anything because there is now no obligation on my side.

OP I'm going to go against the grain and say I think you should consider taking the money but will a few thousand pounds really be a game-changer/be worth it? I would have to say that only a 5 figure amount would really make a difference. It feels a lot to be beholden to a person just for a few thousand pounds.

While everyone says 'don't take the money' it's actually becoming increasingly common for older parents to give cash now rather than have it be taken away through inheritance tax after their deaths.

My father helped me out for the reason just noted -- and did not expect anything in return. That said I was going through a separation and so was struggling on one income. Some people can be smug about 'being able to be an independent adult able to afford things' but what it really means is that they can afford things as a couple as they have a husband who contributes significantly to the family purse.

I accepted a loan from FIL to allow us to buy house as we needed a bit extra to pay stamp duty which was above our budget. Paid it all back but in the interim I was never allowed to forget it. I wouldn’t do it again, would rather borrow from bank where no emotional baggage is included. As PP says, trust your instincts.

Sorry I haven't read through all the replies so sorry if this is irrelevant!
I borrowed money off my mum when she came into a large inheritance so I could buy the business I was already working in with an agreement to pay it back when I could. She holds it over my head like a sword! If we have an arguements or disagreement she will say things like 'last time I lend you money' or if she is looking at getting home improvements done it will be "I'm getting the cheaper carpet coz I can't afford the more expensive one, you have my money". It really gets on my nerves. I am paying it back as quick as I can but I've considered just selling the business on to give her it all back. It's a successful business and I pay her back monthly. I've doubled the annual turnover but I've also spent a lot of money on new stock and a complete refurb of the premises. It's all done now so hoping to pay back full amount within two years now but I've learnt my lesson and will not ever borrow money off her again!
I would decline the offer if I were you or she might decide it gives her the right to intervene in your life more.

Some people can be smug about 'being able to be an independent adult able to afford things'

While that's true, at least there's not been much of it on here. Rather than saying "look what I've bought for myself!!", most have been at pains to say they'd rather not have something - even if it's really tempting - rather than risk of comeback after someone else has paid

I'm surprised at the massive majority saying "don't go there" though ... obviously this kind of thing creates even more problems than I'd thought

My MIL spent about £1,000 on our house last year plus always rounds cheques up when paying us e.g. the Christmas gifts we bought on her behalf cost £210 but she rounded it up to £250. There is no rancour and no games are played. Our only concern is ensuring we don't get more than SIL and it's fair (which it is - MIL is very scrupulous about this).
If you can take the money on similar terms to us, then do so and enjoy sharing the outcome with your MIL. If you and your DH are uncomfortable or think that one of his siblings may not be equally treated then avoid.

Just be prepared to be her personal slave till she dies...and that includes her moving in with you when she becomes unable to look after herself (potentially wiping her arse when she can't manage) as "I helped you both when you really needed the money".

No, unless it's given freely with no strings attached, tell you DH that you'd prefer not to take the money. Ultimately it's HIS decision though as it's his Mum but means YOU won't be the one doing the wiping!

And yes, DH has accepted money from his parents in the past but there was no strings attached and we were very grateful (and didn't ask for the money). His Dad died recently and we have helped his mum organise the funeral and other finances but that's out of love and respect rather than because we felt we "owed" her that.

you already think there will be strings attached so unless you want to be at her beck and call 24/7, leave it to your DH (then remind him if she does come a calling that it was HIS decision so he can deal with it).

I would hate being beholden to anybody who I though would use the help as a tool to beat me with.

This would be for anything - money loaned, or emotional support.

My sister would always remind me of the times I'd needed her when I was having a bad time to make me feel bad when I wasn't doing her bidding. So now, on pain of death would I ever turn to her for emotional or financial support.

Don't do it.

I wouldn't even think about the money you need to get on with her because she is family. Money or no money. Forget about the money and just get on with her best you can. She hasn't offered you anything yet anyway only hinted.