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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Shut up and think of the money?

159 replies

LosAngeles444 · 03/01/2017 11:24

Dilemma here. MIL has recently come into a large sum of money. We usually get on although she can be controlling and likes to be the centre of attention. I overlook these traits and don't let them get to me.

We recently had a disagreement and to keep the peace I decided to accept responsibility so we could all move on. I thought she was rude and out of line but didn't say anything. As soon as I made up with her, she mentioned the large sum of money she has and I really get the feeling she is using this as a way to make us beholden unto her. She has offered to pay for things for our new house but I am definitely feeling that she is using this as a power trip so that we keep her happy and to use this is an element of control.

I don't want to get into MIL bashing but I am getting a little nervous at the prospect of being obliged to anyone for financial reasons. DH and I have good jobs but we have a mortgage and a new house so any contribution is helpful...I just have a feeling that MIL is using this as a power trip....should I just shut up, step back, keep MIL happy and think of the money. I'm afraid she will start to take over...I'm a very honest and authentic person and the thought of not being myself and sucking up to her just for the money makes me feel manipulative. Any thoughts?

OP posts:
AddictedtoLovely · 03/01/2017 14:53

Its not worth it. Having said that once shes given it she can't take it back?Wink

Ilovecaindingle · 03/01/2017 14:57

Effectively selling your soul to the devil will have serious backlash..

FatalKittehCharms · 03/01/2017 14:59

Most people have jobs, mortgage/rent etc. It's up to you to ensure your mortgage payments are manageable when you buy a house. 'Any contribution is helpful' makes it sound like you're not managing your re-payments and would welcome help in the same way that people ask for contribution to a honeymoon fund.

Accepting the money and keeping MIL happy will keep DH happy who is close to his mum. Standing my ground and telling MIL honestly how I feel will go down well

So now it's about keeping DH happy?

JinnanTonik · 03/01/2017 15:04

Oh well OP you've obviously decided to take the money so in a years time we expect see you starting a new threat bitching about MiLs interference

But as long as DH and MiL are happy!!

teaping · 03/01/2017 15:04

Losangeles I have a very similar situation with a very wealthy MIL and partner is her only child. They have always spoilt him and constantly thrown money at him but then constantly use it against him to have control / power by saying things like 'we have always done so much for you, you should do this for us' etc etc.

She did give us money towards our house when we needed a bit extra to secure the one we wanted, which I was so so so reluctant to accept but desperation set in. Of course I thanked her profusely but I stuck to my guns and we have since been very firm that it is our house and that she has no right to interfere with decisions etc.

We have had the same problem recently where she wanted to pay for our wedding, but on the condition that she made all the decisions and decided the guest list, inviting all of her friends. We very politely declined as we wanted to do it our ourselves and make our own decisions but it has caused HUGE arguments and a real family issue which has now gone on several months. Of course, it's all my fault! She's even said that she 'wanted to pay so that she can show her friends and my family that it's all down to her'. No chance!

It's never an easy decision but think carefully. I will always feel a little bit uneasy that my MIL contributed to our house, and whilst that's worth it because we now won't need to move again for a very long time, there's no way I could allow her any more input into anything else.

RaptorInaPorkPieHat · 03/01/2017 15:05

As soon as I made up with her, she mentioned the large sum of money she has

She's dangling the carrot.
Chances are, she'll just keep dangling it enough to keep you sweet.

My MIL dangles the carrot every now and then, luckily DH is wise enough not to pay attention to it.

Life is too short to spend it in someone else's pocket.

FinallyHere · 03/01/2017 15:10

It would be very interesting to see, attached to each different opinion, who has been through this and dealt with the consequences, and who has not.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/01/2017 15:11

LA444,

re your comment:-
" We usually get on although she can be controlling and likes to be the centre of attention. I overlook these traits and don't let them get to me".

You do realise that controlling behaviour is infact abusive behaviour linked to wanting absolute power and control.

How often do you see her anyway; I would further look into reducing all contact with her.

You do not get on with her at all really, its all on her terms only and is nice only when she is getting what she wants.

Your mistake here also has been to overlook this from her in the first place. Bad behaviour from her should not be at all rewarded and she has basically viewed your appeasement as weakness here to further exploit.
Stop with the not saying anything; start reasserting your own self here before she further walks all over you and your H as her son.

Never take any money from people like his mother as it will be simply used by her to further obligate you. Money is also often used by such people as a control mechanism and used as a stick to beat you with.

I would also suggest you read "Toxic Inlaws" written by Susan Forward to further understand the dynamics being played out here.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/01/2017 15:15

"Accepting the money and keeping MIL happy will keep DH happy who is close to his mum. Standing my ground and telling MIL honestly how I feel will go down badly. I've married into a family where appearances are everything and keeping everyone happy is the done thing and it's how DH survives with his parents. I knew this when I got married so not surprising".

Oh dear, you have been well and truly snookered then particularly if you have decided against better judgment to take her blood money.

I would argue that your DH is infact enmeshed unhealthily to his mother and she exerts a lot of power and control over him. Their relationship is certainly not a healthy one at all.

Of course standing up to his toxic mother will go down badly because no-one has ever challenged her on her behaviours. Everyone still continues to tiptoe around the woman. Your own boundaries re her have been way too low to date and she has taken full advantage of your own niceness. Also you likely come from an emotionally healthy family yourself so have never had to deal with someone like his mother before now.

You have really married into a narcissistic family structure and that is really bad news.

WeAllHaveWings · 03/01/2017 15:35

It's tough as I don't want her money but then it really would make a difference to our lives. aaagh!

It is not tough, as an independent adult I would not accept money from my parents or in-laws unless it was very kindly left to me in a will. It's their money not mine. We proudly finance our own lifestyle, live within our means and make our own decisions.

Around 15 years ago MIL (why is it always MIL's? Wink), recently divorced, cash rich but terrible with money, offered us several tens of thousands to almost clear our mortgage or allow us to buy bigger. She said we would get it as an inheritance one day anyway so might as well have it now. I told dh we weren't taking it We politely turned her down as it was her money and she would never know if she would need it.

Glad we did, as predicated, she is seriously struggling financially after splurging the money and making bad decisions. We would have felt duty-bound to refund the money which we could ill afford now. It has been hinted at her moving in with us but I can say with no feeling of obligation its not happening while pointing her in the right direction to get the support she needs elsewhere.

You sound as if you are contemplating whether to sell yourself for the sake of a few quid. Your own independence and pride is priceless. I wouldn't think twice about my answer.

titzup · 03/01/2017 15:40

You could always brazen it out: accept the money, and not be beholden regardless? If she starts trying it on lording it over you, just put your foot down, she can't have the money back once it's freely given. It doesn't come naturally, but I would be prepared to do that if I thought it would help my kids. There'll be fireworks but it's maybe worth it for their sake?

Whatthefoxgoingon · 03/01/2017 15:40

No self respecting adult takes money with strings attached. You've had a slew of posters telling you not to take it. How cheap is your integrity really??

Agerbilatemycardigan · 03/01/2017 15:40

Don't do it. You'll end up paying for it with more than money, believe me I know.

titzup · 03/01/2017 15:45

I feel your pain btw, I live in almost the exact same circumstance. We took/take the money because I felt it was between mother and son, really. But if there's any lording, I have a point beyond which I will not go and yes, I really will burn things to the ground if I have to because she will NOT rule every part of me. I come across as a giant bitch no doubt, but tough. At east I'm not weirdly abusive and passive aggressive and so on.

BlueFolly · 03/01/2017 15:56

These threads are always 99% full of people saying that no self respecting adult would accept the money, yet in real life I know of nobody who has ever turned down money from a relative, just doesn't happen.

GabsAlot · 03/01/2017 15:59

i wouldnt want her rubbing it in every five minutes but if youve learned how to cope with her then youve answered your own question

RortyCrankle · 03/01/2017 16:04

Surely it would be preferable to retain your independence and self respect. If you accept anything from your MiL she will undoubtedly extract her pound of flesh, your DH is in thrall of his mother and will not support you and you will pay that money back tenfold, not in cash but by eating humble pie to her for god know's how long, probably until she dies. Personally there's no amount of money large enough that I would ever accept being beholden to someone like that.

Unless you are homeless or starving - DON'T DO IT.

WeAllHaveWings · 03/01/2017 16:07

These threads are always 99% full of people saying that no self respecting adult would accept the money, yet in real life I know of nobody who has ever turned down money from a relative, just doesn't happen.

I haven't told anyone in RL that it was offered and rejected. Why would I? No-ones business but ours.

Maybe the type of people who accept the money strings and all like to talk/complain about it more.

PonyoLovesHam · 03/01/2017 16:18

Hi OP, I'm in a very similar situation- including marrying into a family where mil is never challenged and tries to control everything/everyone.

Interesting replies, it's easy to say don't take the money but it would cause huge arguments for us if we didn't too. What are you meant to say - "we don't want to take it because you'll hold it over us and use it to control us"?!
We can't just say no thanks bcos mil continually asks why, then brings it up again a few months later like we've never discussed it before. Then we're meant to act all grateful again that they have this sum of money for us - this has been going on for nearly 2 years now.

Good luck op.

LaContessaDiPlump · 03/01/2017 16:28

My mother used this method - 'I've paid for it so you have to be lovely to me'. Even as a teenager I resented it and went without. When I got a job, it gave me a nasty thrill of satisfaction to not let her pay for coffee/food. She HATED not paying. It took her power away. It was wonderful Grin

So don't take the money op, unless you want her to have all the power.

dowhatnow · 03/01/2017 16:30

Just make non commitral noises every time she mentions it.
"Ok thanks,mil."
"That would be appreciated"
"That would be lovely if you want to"
Have no expectations that it will materialise. Don't chase it up. Dont be drawn into conversations about what you would do with it.
"We'd have to think carefully how it would be spent"
Basically be vague and non commitral. If you get it you've made no promises and have made it clear that it comes with no strings attached if she decides to give it to you, as you are not bothered either way.

dowhatnow · 03/01/2017 16:31

Committal

WilburIsSomePig · 03/01/2017 16:34

God no. Don't take a penny. Seriously, it would be a HUGE mistake.

Save up and wait a bit longer for the things you want, you'll feel a million times better about it.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 03/01/2017 16:47

it's easy to say don't take the money but it would cause huge arguments for us if we didn't too. What are you meant to say - "we don't want to take it because you'll hold it over us and use it to control us"?!

Not at all; just try "lovely of you, but we like to stand on our own two feet - we're funny like that" then smile and change the subject. Any further questions about "but whhyyyy ...?" can be answered with "it works best for us"

Rinse and repeat - trust me, it works if you really mean it Smile

ginorwine · 03/01/2017 16:47

If it's life changing I'd think about it !
Can you take the money and not be beholden to her ? I.e. She's given it , you have received it ???? End of .
We were given 35k by a relative I'm not keen on - I will always be nit keen on them but see them out of politeness and duty . The money has not changed the relationship in any way as its money and I will not be beholden due to it or change anything . If you can do that and it is manageable for you , it may be an option ?