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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have sex in my own house when we have guests?

350 replies

SeriousCreativeBlock · 03/01/2017 01:11

My friend and her 4 year old ds turned up at my house for New Years with the intention of staying six days (this is a whole other issue, she knows I have a deadline coming up next week and I am stressed). Her visit, and the last just before Christmas, has been a constant series of put downs ranging from remarking on my father's "failing business", questioning my parenting, naming my dd a sociopath and a "mini Donald Trump" (she's FOUR!) and gaslighting me regarding my mental illness.

This evening, at half 12 at night, dp and I had sex. We were very quiet, although the bed creaks slightly. Afterwards, I went into the kitchen where she launched into a tirade about how I could have waited until her son was asleep.

AIBU to think that a small child should really be asleep at 12:30, and that I should be able to have sex in my own house without being made to feel guilty? I feel like I'm being shamed for having an active sex life.

OP posts:
MargoChanning · 03/01/2017 08:58

Get rid. She sounds vile and is clearly no friend. Tell her 'given your rudeness and your threats to me, you need to leave by X o'clock. I will not be treated like this in my own home'. Do not apologise and do not back down.

Bluntness100 · 03/01/2017 09:00

Lots of different issues at play here.

Firstly, you invited her, why did you not tell her how long was an acceptable visit, why agree to the six days? You should simply have said that due to work pressures you couldn't host for that long.
Secondly, she's being mean to you in your own home. Why? What's causing the change in her behaviour?
Thirdly, why can't you just tell her when something is not ok?
Fourthly the sex thing, if she was in the kitchen and could clearly hear you, you can't have been that quiet. How did you not know they were still up?

Sorry, I think faults in both sides, you should either be clear on how long she can stay and what is acceptable behaviour, or not whinge about behind her back it if you've not got the balls to deal with it up front, and she should be behaving with more respect.

Either way, I think you've both learned a lesson not to do this again,

Trunkisareshite · 03/01/2017 09:03

You need to get some balls OP. If only for your child who you say is being picked on by this arse hole in her own home!

Just say 'right DH and I have decided it's home time for you, you get on with packing your stuff and I'll keep the kids out your way'. Don't enter into a conversation, there is no point this woman clearly has a warped view on everything so you won't get anywhere. If she tries to stay longer just say 'no can do, DH and I have decided we need our home back'.

Good luck!

MrsderPunkt · 03/01/2017 09:07

Just tell her that you intend to have sex with your husband again tonight, so it's probably a good idea that she leaves right now - heck, she might even be witness to you kissing or something!

Giddyaunt18 · 03/01/2017 09:09

YANBU , she is. I think you need to not be home next time the bel rings iyswim.

Flowerydems · 03/01/2017 09:12

What a psycho, kick her out

Kind of clear why no one else would want her isn't it?

llangennith · 03/01/2017 09:12

Remember the phrase, "Sorry no, that doesn't work for us" the next time she invites herself to yours.

Sammyislost · 03/01/2017 09:12

HMM not sure about this. Firstly, she sounds horrible. Why is she in your home? Never again! Wean her out of your life. You'll be better for it. Of course you can do what you like in your own house, although, I understand why she may not want her child to hear someone having sex, despite how quiet you may have been, her mind will be working overtime wondering how she will explain the creaky bed to a young child, it obviously upset her. But still, more going on there behind the scenes has contributed towards this.

A couple of months ago, my new neighbours decided to have loud sex on the sofa in the room behind us while I was watching Bake Off with my 6 year old...it was HORRIBLE...it sounded like a wounded pigeon was stuck in the wall...It honestly felt like someone was playing the audio from a porn film though the walls, my son noticed the noise straight away, and i felt absolutely horrible and sick inside and felt like I needed to protect him! I had to turn the TV up so loudly until we couldn't hear any more. So perhaps she felt how I did?

CocktailQueen · 03/01/2017 09:12

Dear God! Get your dh to tell her to leave. She sounds intolerable.

Giddyaunt18 · 03/01/2017 09:13

Snapchat your brother? Is she 14?

yummycake123 · 03/01/2017 09:13

Of course YANBU! She sounds horrible. You need to grow some balls OP and tell her to go...

CoraPirbright · 03/01/2017 09:13

Can we just stop berating the OP about being a doormat etc? It is entirely possible that, having just suffered a miscarriage, she is feeling pretty fragile and really not up to confronting this monstrous "friend".

OP I think you should get your dp to get rid of her. Or for added impact, perhaps your brother should arrive and assist also!! And tell this ghastly woman precisely why. Has she always been like this? If so, why is she a friend?

tooclosetocall · 03/01/2017 09:16

SeriousCreativeBlock, bloody hell, to be treated like this at all is bonkers let alone being verbally attacked by a guest in your own home.

I feel like I'm being shamed for having an active sex life
She's shaming you for everything you do (and your DF and your DD as well).

This person is no friend of yours. I would be showing her the door and as she leaves tell her she is not welcome to visit or stay ever again. You are nothing but a convenience and a punching bag for her. Why allow her further access to your life?
In situations such as this where action is necessary, I put my DC in the picture; that very quickly gives me the perspective I need.
What advice would you give your DD if she called you up to say this was happening to her? Would you be telling her to ride it out? Put a stop to this right now.

SuperPug · 03/01/2017 09:16

Please don't put up with her- she's bullying your child as well. I've know people like that and they don't change.
I would tell her that such an extended stay isn't appropriate at the moment and she needs to leave by lunchtime/ evening etc.
If you think it's appropriate - I would be inclined to tell your mutual friends about this as she certainly doesn't have a problem with threats and sounds dangerous re: sending photos.

PotatoesPastaAndBread · 03/01/2017 09:19

OP can I ask why you've posted? If you want lots of people to say omg that's terrible then you'll get it, because it is.

But the only way you're going to actually feel better is to deal with this person. Do you want her out of your business? Out of your house? Out of your life? Then do it. Sympathy on mumsnet might make you feel less dreadful for a small moment but it's not thing to solve the problem in the long term.

You can do it, and you owe it to yourself to take control. But if you don't respect yourself enough to set such boundaries, she will continue to take advantage.

Giddyaunt18 · 03/01/2017 09:21

I agree that you should tell a few of your mutual friends that you can trust. You son't know what she will say to them, twist facts about you and your family. I would make it clear what has happened.

BlueSpottyTiger · 03/01/2017 09:25

She sounds like a right cow! It's your house, Your rules. Tell her to do one or ask your husband to. Sorry for your loss Flowers x

BarryTheKestrel · 03/01/2017 09:27

She'd have been out on her ass long before now if she'd been staying with me. She is a vile person who is infecting your life OP. Get her out and make sure she stays out for good. You don't need 'friends' like her.

GlitteryFluff · 03/01/2017 09:27

Tell her the visit is over and she needs to leave. She doesn't sound like much of a friend.

Groovee · 03/01/2017 09:32

I'd have to phone said brother in front of her and say " soandso says she's going to Snapchat you because I had sex with my husband"

She needs to be told she is crossing the line and it's time she went home.

TheTantrumCometh · 03/01/2017 09:32

Why are you letting this woman treat your four year old like shit in her own home? Tell her to fuck off

Birdandsparrow · 03/01/2017 09:38

You really really don't have to put with this shit. You need to tell her to leave. Get your DP to if you can't face it, and then don't be "friends" with her any more, because she isn't a friend to you.

Naicehamshop · 03/01/2017 09:40

Is this thread for real? Confused

No one should let themselves be treated like that in their own home.

pipsqueak25 · 03/01/2017 09:43

i'd be interested in what op has to say re; the advice given.
personally i'm wondering about dp, what is he having to say about the matter, does he think her behaviour is ok ? more to the point why hasn't he thrown her out unless there is more to this than you've told us.
you say she has form for this sort of behaviour, why do you even let her over the threshold of the door way ?

Bauble16 · 03/01/2017 09:48

Wow. She's a nut job. How on earth can she think it's acceptable to behave like that. This thread reminds me of the other recent thread regarding someone's mother doing similar. She's jealous of you clearly, but in a very unstable way indeed. I'd be telling her to fuckoff as your poor DC will feel bullied if not for yourself.